| my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/19/2009 9:36:51 AM | | i need some help here. my 13 yr. old son has been really acting up lately. when i asked him why he said he is sad because he does not have a dad who will take him hunting or fishing or do the things guys do together. i feel terrible. his real dad has not been in the picture for years and i do not know what to do. he is really depressed and i wish i could get some answers as what to do about this situation so if you have any suggestions i would gladly appreciate it. i cannot kill a living being so please do not suggest i do this because i just cannot. | |
|
| my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/19/2009 9:54:38 AM | I raised 2 boys who's father's were not in the picture. My oldest son's father left the picture and was never heard from again when my son was 3 months old. My youngest son's father died when he was 9 yrs old.
Do you have any brothers, male cousins, uncles or family friends that can do "guy" things with him? What about your son's friends? Have you asked if your son can participate in guy activities with them? | |
|
| my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/19/2009 9:55:23 AM | Get him involved in the Big Brothers of America Program. In addition to that = contact local churches, and ymca's and find out about camp for youth. They often have week long or two week long overnight camping for children on summer break that you can get him to affordably. Many of those children also going will only have one parent .. and usually an absentee father. He will have other kids living normal and happy in his same situation.
In addition to that - get him some counselling if its available - so he can work on his self esteem and instead of worrying about lacking that male bond --- he can make a stronger bond with the people he does have in his life.
Last but not least, you are a single parent and no doubt really stretched thin on resources (meaning time energy etc) because there is only one person raising this fine young man. You are going to have to find all the extra energy you can and take him to lots of those things yourself when and where you can - even if they arent your cup of tea.
Oh .. dont just take a man into your life for the sake of the boy - because you might not make a great decision if that is what is motivating you and the boy can end up with TWO absentee fathers. What a blow that would be.
I wish you well, truly, its hard out there in these times for these youngens, gotta try to keep them on the right track. I remember they had a saying my Grandmother used to say "it takes a village to raise a child" and they said that apparently back in the 50's .... when everything was apple pie and Big Bop ... I wonder what the heck they think it takes to raise a child now ... when the streets are plagued with drugs, guns, sex, and violence .... yet ... they expect us to raise these children alone and raise them to perfection.
You can do it hun --- just hang in there - keep talking to him - try to find something he can belong to thats healthy, functional, ..... and pray alot.
 | |
|
| my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/19/2009 10:01:55 AM | | You could sign him up for Big Brother/Big Sister. I'm not sure where you live, but surely there is a comparative program in your area. It's summer time. Sign him up for some church summer camps or camps in general. They do lots of summer activities. If you cannot afford these things, there are usually scholarships offered. Keep him busy. Get him involved in sports, if he's interested. Again, there are scholarships if you can't afford it. Church youth groups offer a variety of activities throughout the year. Recruit male family members or friends to take your son to do the outdoor activities he desires. | |
|
| my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/19/2009 11:04:48 AM | He has learned from his "lonely mama" that his life is incomplete without a man. There are tons of father figures available to him --- scout leaders, coaches, teachers, big brothers, neighbors, uncles, etc. --- but mothers raising kids have to open those doors and teach their kids how to make the most of their situation rather than feeling lonely and depressed and guilty and wishing it could be different (or worse desperately seeking someone to fill that hole).
i cannot kill a living being so please do not suggest i do this because i just cannot.
Do you really think it's about hunting? | |
|
| my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/19/2009 11:32:44 AM | | i am happy being single. i thought about big brothers but where i live do not offer the program and no, i am not going to get involved with a man just for my son to have a dad. i do not have any male members of my family that lives near me because i thought about that too. but i have thought about the ymca there is one close to me but i work during the day and i live in the country 8 miles from town so my son cannot walk there. i appreciate the suggestions. | |
|
| my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/19/2009 11:57:11 AM | What if you took a visit to the Y during a saturday if they are open. They might have specific programs that your son is interested in .. .such as basketball on tuesdays, or rock climbing every friday (totally just an example) and you could maybe find another parent in that group who would be willing to car pool him for shared fuel fees.
Is there a baseball team, or boy scouts (he might think thats kinda lame but I dont know him lol), or a mentoring program attached to any school near you?
There are also people who give lessons on virtually everything - fishing lessons too, and boating lessons - he is old enough where they might consider giving him fishing lessons while you are at work once a week or something.
Have to be creative - hard to know since I dont live where you live - but there has to be something .... how about a part time job at a gym, lots of guys there doin guy stuff, or the baseball stadium, or volunteer at the local pet store every other afternoon. Gotta get him busy doing something he can get lost in - he will forget what he beleives he is lacking.
If I can be of any help from afar - dont hesitate to mail me.
Dont worry mama - you love him and it shows. It will all work out, just have to keep trying what we can when we can and hope for the best right?
(I didnt mean to imply you would hook up with a man just for your son, I should have worded that better so it would simply show my thoughts of caution - my apologies for any negative or insulting tone)
| |
|
| my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/19/2009 12:03:45 PM | | I live in a very small town and there are still many things that my kids that can get involved in that don't include mom or dad. There's scouts and cubs, sports teams (for both summer and winter) and camps of all sorts. Do you have any male friends that could help out? How about you taking him camping for the weekend and go fishing and canoeing? There are so many things that can be done in replacement to having a father figure in his life if he can't have the real thing. | |
|
| my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/19/2009 1:01:44 PM | OP I think you have to look at two things. He is 13 so bad behavior is somewhat of a given and if he is a smart 13-year-old, he knows he can get away with some of the things he is doing if he has an "issue" and pushes your guilt button for not having a father in his life.
I am not saying that you shouldn't take some of the great advice and find good male role models for him. You have male friends and often the husbands of friends or even the fathers of your sons friends would be happy to help you with this if you ASK them. Does he not have friends where he spends the night and does other things? Talk to those dads about your concerns and possibly if they could help.
My sons have a dad, not always the answer. He doesn't set a good example and they value my male friends and the fathers of their friends who have shown them that you don't have to be the way their dad is. My sons have done plenty of acting out and they know why they are doing it and just attributing it to that is not acceptable and they know that that is not going to fly.
Work on the father thing but he is also old enough for you to sit down and tell him okay, I get it and I am going to help you if I can to fill this hole in your heart but you cannot blame your bad behavior on something like this, you need to behave appropriately and deal with your concerns or issues in a healthy way. Bottom line, by acting out because of his dad, the only one he is really hurting is himself. | |
|
| my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/19/2009 1:35:04 PM | | I have 2 son's and their Dad moved half way accross the country after our divorce so hasn't been in the picture. I think when you are a mother raising son's on your own it's important to do those things that their Dad would do with them if he was around, I play baseball with my kids, football, soccer, fishing etc. it's not the same but I think they don't feel like they are mising out as much if they are able to do those things despite having an active father. Also I know for me, my Dad and my brother really fill the father figure role for them. Do you have any males in your life Brothers, Father, Uncles? someone who can be there for him? | |
|
| my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/19/2009 4:54:40 PM |
Get him involved in the Big Brothers of America Program. In addition to that = contact local churches, and ymca's and find out about camp for youth.
Exactly what I was going to recommend. Best of luck to you. | |
|
| my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/19/2009 5:07:03 PM |
i need some help here. my 13 yr. old son has been really acting up lately. when i asked him why he said he is sad because he does not have a dad who will take him hunting or fishing or do the things guys do together. i feel terrible. his real dad has not been in the picture for years and i do not know what to do. he is really depressed and i wish i could get some answers as what to do about this situation so if you have any suggestions i would gladly appreciate it. i cannot kill a living being so please do not suggest i do this because i just cannot.
I agree with the other posters, try getting him involved with an adult male you trust to do these things with him.
On an unsolicited side note, he might be acting out for other reasons, too. Like maybe he found pictures of his mother in her bra and panties on the internet. | |
|
| my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/19/2009 7:06:20 PM | | Have you looked into the Big Brothers/Big Sisters program? http://www.bbbs.org/site/c.diJKKYPLJvH/b.1539751/k.BDB6/Home.htm | |
|
| my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/19/2009 7:14:39 PM |
Like maybe he found pictures of his mother in her bra and panties on the internet.
Good Call!!
There are plenty of women raising children without a male influence and doing a fine job.
Find your inner man and do the guy stuff with him. Take him fishing, play catch, touch football or soccer with him. He wants to go fishing? Take him! | |
|
| my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/19/2009 7:32:55 PM | 1lonelymama have you considered that your son may be alone too often! now you said live in the country. your son has no way into town. your work during the day! so what does your son do... who does he look to for answers...for warmth... for comfort. have you looked at the possibility of getting him a scooter? i think they can get them at around 13 or 14.
... and yes teens can be a drain on our sanity.. as their need for independence grows... so does their need to socialize.. just when we are looking for peace and tranquility in our lives! | |
|
| my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/19/2009 7:52:30 PM | | hi there , i grew up without a father and had very little contact with any father figures...so i know how your son feels... i always wished that i had someone to teach me stuff like working on cars or camping and any other stuff that fathers and sons do... i am now a single father to 2 little sweethearts that i have every other week for a full week and they love me so much because i give them all the love i wished my father had given me ... your son will grow up into a man even if he doesnt have one in his life right now... there are many things you can get him doing ... i worked on a farm in the summers for a few years and i loved it so maybe if your in the contry you could ask if anyone needs some help.. sports, scouts are also something you could try ...i am sure he will grow up to be a wonderfull man and father no matter what so just keep showing him as much love as you can and let him know that this fatherless boy grew up strong and maybe even a little bit wiser than your average man due to the fact that everything i learned i did it on my own! good luck to both of you | |
|
| my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/19/2009 7:58:49 PM | | OMG!! I can't believe no one mentioned Boy Scouts!! Maybe I missed it. Scoutmasters are great roll models. It also teaches team work. On top of that you get all the guys stuff like camping and canoeing. Not to mention talking about girls with friends around a camp fire :P HAHA Its a start, and its not as in your face as Big Brothers (Not that its not a great org), but its smaller step maybe. Might fill the void he needs. | |
|
| my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/19/2009 8:13:11 PM |
itsmejuli...u must be an ALI g FAN..that may explain the stupidity of your reply and your ignorance...
Am I the only person that is completely baffled by this person's responses? | |
|
| my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/19/2009 8:56:08 PM | My husband died when my son was 2 1/2. There is no family in the picture. I made sure that my son was involved in sports where there are usually male coaches. I made a point of telling the coaches that he didn't have a Dad and they were always terrific about spending extra time with him, pitching with him, helping him out. In his school, I always made sure he had the male teachers and they were great at mentoring. I reached out to all the men in his life and went to them when I needed help. Teachers, coaches, found a big brother. Husbands of my friends. I was never shy about asking for help with him- asking men to speak with him or spend time with him.
I also tried to do boy-type things with him. he knows mom isn' great at football etc but I do it anyway. I play video games with him, see the guy-type movies he likes and makes sure there are always boys hanging around our house. I also made sure I hired teenage boys as babysitters when he was young. They did lots of stuff with him.
So just surround him with men. You can't change reality but you can talk about it and try your best. good luck with it all. | |
|
| my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/20/2009 9:42:31 AM | Your son needs access to peers his own age preferrably in a well supervised situation. Scouts, church groups, sports teams. It takes a huge effort on your part. My Ex lives 1200 miles away and I am constantly running the kids to various activities. But at this point in my life it is about raising healthy, happy kids and preparing them for adulthood.
You choose to live 8 miles from town, they did not. Without something to do they will get into trouble. Kids need structure and strong role models besides good old Mom. | |
|
| my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/20/2009 10:16:36 AM | Well, at least you know your son has a brain and knows exactly how to make YOU feel responsible for his actions. Millions of boys grow up without a father figure in their lives and the ones who use the excuse 'I did it because there was no daddy to tell me different' are the ones who wind up in prison. If he was my kid, I'd have called him on that immediately. Id suggest you spend more time with him and tell him that he isn't going to have a father in his life any time soon so he is just going to have to live with it. And don't let him away with whatever he did to get into trouble.
Oh, and do the kid a favour. 13 year old boys can be cruel to one another, and they do like to check out the internet. I suspect one of his friends has shown him the pic of you in your underwear on the internet for the whole world to see. Show some tact and think about HIS reaction to that photo | |
|
| |
| my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/20/2009 1:00:03 PM | | Judytoo: We don't know what her son did. He said he was depressed which could explain the acting up. I knew that when my son acted in an unusual way, he felt badly about not having a dad like the other kids. So I think we need some more information. It' s not unusual for a boy to express those feelings. | |
|
| my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/20/2009 1:33:46 PM | | I jsut think all boys tend to cling to be around guys or father figures. My son sees his father half the time. When I have friends over . just normal guy friends he is aways wanting there attention. I think they have a hard time being around girls all the time. Even if you are the one who takes him fishing or campin its still not that same as a father. I would join in some sort of big brother program, either thru a club or thru a church even. Im sure if you just do a little resaerch on the computer there has to be something like that. | |
|
| my son is wanting a daddy figure
Posted: 7/23/2009 2:28:25 PM | | where is HIS daddy??? u know...the guy u laid up and concieved UR son with??? We need more FATHERS..... not father FIGURES.... kids want their FATHERS- the man that has the other 23 chromosomes, NOT grandpa, uncle, coach, pastor, Mister or the new boyfriend... this is why SOOOOO many kids today lash out and act up!! | |
|
Home
login 
