| Jesus, why can't someone write a testimonial about me like yours?
Posted: 7/19/2009 11:41:12 AM | A fellow fish e’d me recently and posed the question: Jesus, why can’t someone write a testimonial about me like yours? I told her everyone should have at least one… and that I’d whip her up something… this is what I came up with…
I have to go back some years. I first laid eyes on her sitting at the bar in Nick’s Place, Casa Blanca… the Moroccan coast Africa. I walked in around noon and grabbed a stool just down the bar from her, but she never looked my way or at me for the hour and half I listened to her talk to the barkeep. She was nursing a whiskey neat… I ordered the same. I could easily hear her speak… it was midday and the place was empty. The bartender was listening to her reason for being there… it was a break… she needed time away from her studies to think in simple terms… and to consider whether or not having a Ph double d in Ergonomics and Art History was worth all the neurons that were being sacrificed to that endeavor. For months, years her psyche had been drowning in the abstract constructs of thesis: her only real significant other thus far in life… that “one safe place”… that “true companion”… that sanctuary and safe haven for unreal thoughts… ideas absent underpinnings. I was there just healing from the fractured fallout that resulted from yet another failure to launch in relationship. As the neat took affect her monologue, which had been moored to the dogmas of disciplined discourse and discovery, moved away from the intellectual and veered sharply into soulful soundings... teasing at the depths. That’s when the man behind the bar stopped his multitasking and really began to listen… as did I.
Let me wade into a thumbnail sketch of her abbreviated, rapid fire staccato utterances. It was like listening to a symphonic overture that gradually built in intensity towards allegro. It was a kaleidoscope of cascading gray scale commentary. She started with: she believed that the novels of Susan Sontag are self indulgent, over rated crap… that great art should be like great sex, it should move one towards climax of thought and emotion… that when she sweats it smells like cologne… that she believes in long, slow, wet, deep soft kisses that last three days… she said that whenever she goes for a swim, dolphins appear… that she thinks it’s fine if you have nothing to say, unless you say it… that a man once tried to walk a mile in her shoes, after, he needed six months of electro shock therapy treatments… that the police often question her, just because they find her interesting… that when it’s raining, it’s because she’s sad… that she believes Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone… that she believed that there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing astro turf and the designated hitter… that she once taught a dog to bark in Spanish, this made her laugh, her laugh sounded eerie and slightly dark… then she commented on how her hair alone had experienced more than most women’s entire bodies… she blurted out that she believed in the cocck, the pusssy, high fiber, good scotch, the power contained in the gentle touch of a man, the soul, the sweet spot, soft core pornography, and that Christmas presents should be opened on Christmas day, not Christmas eve… that aliens ask “her” to probe them… that whatever side of the tracks she’s on, it’s the right side... that soulful paradox was her favorite snack food. And with that statement she suddenly stopped talking, looked up at the bartender and said: Men never listen… they only know how to stare… I can’t think in here, the blues have got a hold of me, I believe I’m getting dizzy, goodday to you both! She still hadn’t looked at me. She then slipped off her stool, walked a straight line to the front door, flung it open and quickly became consumed in a blaze of mid afternoon sunlight. The slamming close of that door snapped us from our stare. He picked up her half consumed whiskey neat and wiped the counter… I slammed home what was left of mine and ordered another. Then the barkeep and I suddenly stopped what what we were doing and spoke in complete unison: “Lordy!” I quickly obtained pad and pencil and began to write down what I could recall of her dialogue. I’m sorry to say that I only got the gist of it… just snippets, sound bites. There was much more. What I had heard did, however, lead me to believe that I may have just not met the most interesting woman in the whole world!
grizzlee | |
|
| |
| Jesus, why can't someone write a testimonial about me like yours?
Posted: 7/20/2009 8:29:31 AM | I recently came across a seemingly attractive and dynamic lady whose profile, photos, and narrative gave me no reason to disbelieve her "credentials." However, included in her profile was a testimonial from a guy who seemed overly effusive in praising this lady (great dancer, high integrity, etc.) In addition, the guy stressed that he is "very selective" about people he dates or chooses to be around. I guess this was supposed to demonstrate how special the testimonee is.... and it was this "very selective" quip that I found suspicious and amusing at the same time. That's because I must have read this same guy's testimonials in the profiles of about 40-50 different women! One of these ladies had included me in her "faves" list, so I thought to mention this observation to her, and she responded to tell me she met the guy briefly at a place she either managed or owned and had very little interaction with him, though she did introduce him to some of her friends at the place (apparently, this was some kind of party). She also opined to me that she thinks the writing of testimonials was some kind of game this guy enjoyed playing, because she clearly didn't know him and, more importantly, he did not know her well enough to endorse her socially.
And that's the point... These testimonials are often times hyperbolic expressions of praise that should be taken with an infinitesimal amount of halite.
As I told the lady, I thought the guy's praise of her, though perhaps and probably accurate, was nonetheless diluted by the number of times he offered testimony on behalf of others. I likened it to that Seinfeld episode where the handsome pediatrician in the Hamptons tells Elaine he thinks she is "breathtaking", and yet later he'd use the same expression to describe a rather unattractive baby.  | |
|
| Jesus, why can't someone write a testimonial about me like yours?
Posted: 7/20/2009 6:26:14 PM | I enjoyed this very much, it was damn near perfect, except for "What I had heard did, however, lead me to believe that I may have just not met the most interesting woman in the whole world!"
I would find another way to phrase the last sentence, it seems different than the balance of the piece, almost like someone else added it.
From here:
It was like listening to a symphonic overture that gradually built ...
To here:
That soulful paradox was her favorite snack food ...
I was riveted. I liked her, too. | |
|
| Jesus, why can't someone write a testimonial about me like yours?
Posted: 7/20/2009 8:43:38 PM | To SC... Muchas gracias... and, don't do it... leave her alone... you know better...
To jwing... Hey, good hyperbola!!!
To CindLoo2.... I thought the sentences beginning with: It was like listening... and, that soulful paradox... seemed tacked on... :) But thanks.... :) | |
|
| |
| Jesus, why can't someone write a testimonial about me like yours?
Posted: 7/27/2009 8:29:39 AM | Your "work" is too erudite. You are straining for profoundity and missing badly. You don't use enough paragraph breaks. You are like a ham bone actor. Badly overwritten.
You inject too much of your ego into the story and you are a boring, pretentious phony.
I have four decent testimonials at present and have had as many as ten.
Some left the site and some were unsolicited and I had them removed.
You like to sneak around like a little biatch and take cheap shots at other writers.
You like to dish it out. How do you like taking it?
It's okay. You needn't thank me for my feedback. My pleasure. | |
|
| Jesus, why can't someone write a testimonial about me like yours?
Posted: 7/27/2009 3:28:04 PM | | Mr. body without a brain... "Life is tough... it's even tougher if you're stupid". John Wayne said that... I think he must have met you. Why must you be such an angry young man? Is it because no one will play with you? I recommend your next course of therapy include Anger Management... augmented with heavy doses of Thorazine. Now go away and get back to your favorite tv program: The Simpsons.... Homer, your hero.... dooh!!! How many times do you say that in a day? Hundreds... no doubt... Now run along.... :) | |
|
| Jesus, why can't someone write a testimonial about me like yours?
Posted: 7/27/2009 3:54:38 PM | Good!!! I drew blood.
What did I say? You can dish it out but you can't take it.
You are reduced to name calling.
Guess what, hot shot? We are joined at the hip now.
Yeah! I'm gonna dog your posts. I'm rather more clever than you. Mine will sting more. | |
|
| Jesus, why can't someone write a testimonial about me like yours?
Posted: 7/27/2009 4:49:40 PM | Ha! Round two…ding ding! Or is it three…
Is the 5’4” boxer from the Bronx any match for the great and powerful Mr. Grizz?
Can a man with only “some college” and a tough life to be his only education, keep up in a verbal confrontation about decency vs reality against a man with a “bachelor’s degree” in criminal science, a lifetime of studying the mind, and manipulating words to entice or devour depending on what suits his mood? Can this “little man” with the great big heart possibly stand up too and pull the curtain back on this gravely intelligent man hiding behind his profile playing with little gear shifts to scare and insult innocent people in their fight to find their place in this cruel underworld of the highly educated “pond” of pathetically arrogant people who take such pride in their attempts to pound rocks into sand, for their own self indulgence? Oh…there I go with meaningless ramblings…I better get back to my cartoons! Dooh!
Thanks for the entertainment "gentlemen"…LOL.  | |
|
| |
| |
| |
| Jesus, why can't someone write a testimonial about me like yours?
Posted: 7/28/2009 8:57:28 AM | Grizzlee,
There might be a story in here somewhere but if there is, you've obscured badly it with your self conscious verbosity. Good writing doesn't have anything to do with how many words you know or how cleverly you think you're stringing them together. Tell the story as simply as possibly and then if it needs it, give it some flair. Read some Hemingway or Raymond Carver and consider how they slice away every unnecessary word and images. That process can be painful but it's guaranteed to sharpen your writing. Edit. Edit. Edit
Also, your preponderance of words makes for some very confusing and awkward sentences. It isn't just that the grammar is sometimes shaky. You make it difficult for the reader because his/her inner voice trips over the phrases. Nothing wrong with a sentence that people have to think about but why make it tough for the reader in an attempt to impress? An example of this is the last sentence, which is very clumsily written. Instead of being a powerful denouement, it interrupts whatever little flow the piece has and makes for some serious head scratching. In general, while long sentences are great if they hang together--take a look at Marcel Proust; beautiful, artful stuff--if they're just long for their own sake they need to be whittled down. Some of yours could be broken into two or even three sentences.
You're obviously a smart fellow with a genuine yen to write. Just remember that the greatest writers are with few exceptions subservient to the the story they're telling--not the other way around.
Hope this helps and good luck! | |
|
| |
| |
| Jesus, why can't someone write a testimonial about me like yours?
Posted: 7/28/2009 6:33:46 PM | I just sort of skimmed this, but what is the purpose of an unattributed quote from the movie Bull Durham?
Crash Davis: "Well, I believe in the soul, the**** the ****, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. " | |
|
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
| Jesus, why can't someone write a testimonial about me like yours?
Posted: 7/29/2009 4:58:55 AM | Yikes! What happened to just commenting on the original posted subject? Hmm, me thinks there's something personal going on here......ya think?
My good friend Grizzlee doesn't need any defending.... his heart, integrity, and honor, are always intact.
Just passing through....... dropping a penny for your thoughts and giving two cents worth of mine...... well spent I'd say......
Hugs BigG | |
|
| Jesus, why can't someone write a testimonial about me like yours?
Posted: 7/29/2009 9:30:00 AM | Yes! Exactly. What did happen? The first I became aware of your hero was a spurious and pointedly rude post about ME, not my story.
And this guy (grisszels) does this routinely. You know him one way and many others know him another.
You can see I have my supporters also. Listen, I really don't care about his childish and petty meanness.
I'm getting bored with his BS and I am not interested in his self serving stories or style. Which is all flash and no cash. No substance.
I'm actually giving better than I get here. But this game is already old. | |
|
| |
Home
login 
