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| Realistic expectations of finding the One ona dating site
Posted: 7/20/2009 5:36:55 AM | Having seen phrases such as "blokes only want supermodels" or similar variations posted a few times by disgruntled women, maybe it's time for a reality check. I doubt many blokes out there are expecting to meet a super model but I'm guessing like me, what they after is someone they fancy and hey, I doubt it's any different for all the women out there too.
So how many people do you fancy: Try this little exercise the next time you're walking down a busy street. Count a hundred men, (or women depending on what you're after, or both!), and at the same time count how many you actually fancy. You know the ones, you can't help but look twice.
And then do it a few times more to get an average and the result may surprise you - for me on average it's 2 or 3 in a hundred. No, I don't think I'm overly fussy, it's just a fact of life as to who you fancy and who you don't.
So on the site at any one time there's maybe 200 to 300 men, (or vice versa women), who are local and looking. That means for me there's potentially 6 to 9 women I might want to contact. Now, take into account that photo's aren't always the best, (we're not all photogenic), and then take into account other personal preferences that you may have and the number goes down further.
Then of course for a match, the same process has to be applied from the other persons perspective. Not everyone fancies everyone, just because they float your boat doesn't mean you will float theirs. Even if this is the case, when you take into account other preferences such as age, height, smoker or not, want children or not, have children or not, job, intellect, type of relationship each other is after, etc, etc - the potential list is endless, the number of potential Mr or Miss Rights dwindles even more.
Reality - you're probably going to go through many hundreds of profiles before you come across "the one" - the one that meets what you're looking for and of course, vice versa. The more conditions you impose on who you're looking for, the more ellusive that person will be.
And yes, in the journey you're going to get rejected a number of times and send messages that get no reply. But that doesn't mean you're not good enough or "blokes only want super models", it's just the result of pure reality - "the one" is pretty ellusive and takes some finding. So how realistic are your expectations? | |
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| Realistic expectations of finding the One on a dating site
Posted: 7/20/2009 5:44:43 AM | Very Real - me thinks, My three rules are:
1) Don't have massive expectations
2) Have fun and enjoy the experience
3) Keep a hint of optimism
This site is just an extension of what I do away from the virtual world, another social chapter in my life. | |
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| Realistic expectations of finding the One on a dating site
Posted: 7/20/2009 5:45:16 AM | I'd do most women if i'm honest. just try looking for a feature you fancy about them . big tits , nice small pert tits, nice arse, nice smile , tall , dirty looking , miss prim&proper, , small and cute etc etc
so basically ....... if its got a pulse shag it  | |
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| Realistic expectations of finding the One on a dating site
Posted: 7/20/2009 5:53:43 AM | Fancying someone, for me, is a complex process that depends on hundreds of different things, plus that mysterious indefinable chemistry. and it can take time. When I met the Love of My Life, at work, when I was 27, I thought he looked like an out-of-work maths teacher. I was not impressed. Six months later, and for the next 20 years, I would have walked barefoot over broken glass to be with him.
I have now no idea what my perfect ideal man would be like, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be on a dating site. So I'm on here to have fun, to meet a few people, make a friend or too, give life a bit more zest. And that's what I get, so I think my expectations are realistic. | |
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| Realistic expectations of finding the One on a dating site
Posted: 7/20/2009 6:08:11 AM | I have no expectations any more though I did initially.
I think the chances of finding someone who appeals to you, who you appeal to; who can fit into your life and you into theirs and lives within a reasonable distance to make everything possible - it's asking too much. | |
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sjxx
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Joined: 4/9/2009
Msg: 7 | |
| Realistic expectations of finding the One on a dating site
Posted: 7/20/2009 6:12:30 AM | I must be a bit weird. I can only really fancy one man at a time. At the moment there is one and no one else appears attractive to me. As for finding "the one" , I think there is more than "one " for us all and different people fill the criteria at different times. Someone who i thought i could never live without a few years ago is someone i cant stand to be around now.  | |
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| Realistic expectations of finding the One on a dating site
Posted: 7/20/2009 6:37:20 AM | Hope - think we all come to these sites with high hopes.
I reckon there's probably about the same chance of meeting 'the One' on a dating site as there is being in a busy pub on a Saturday night where people come and go. Lol, I don't go out every Saturday night with the expectation that I'm going to meet 'the One' tonight, (be nice if it happened though!). | |
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| Realistic expectations of finding the One on a dating site
Posted: 7/20/2009 6:39:08 AM | I don't want to dig at the process behind this site, but the chemistry algorithms that supposedly generates our matches, can be a little off. Of course there are many vairables that can affect this, such as not ticking the right boxes by accident, or we didn't understand the question properly, or even we didn't answer truthfully, either intentionally, or we thought it would hurt our chances. But even then if we did follow it properly, I still think it gets it wrong. I've come across profiles and thought why the hell is she in my matches, there is just zero compatability, and on the occassion where there does appear to be match, similar quirks, interests etc... there sometimes appears to be a total lack of manners from that person, in terms of their response or lack of, and yes before anyone says 'We all get read deleted and no replies' well then yes that is fair enough, but if the chemistry algorithm is working, then where are the matches with the basic courtesy, that I extend, in part to expect that same courtesy back, courtesy and manners, are part of my make-up and chemistry.
But it is also not just a question of responses, when you look at the validity of said matches, I have two children, and yet I get matches pertaining that they want nothing to do with children, or if you have baggage then kindly jog on. Okay so skip those profiles, but they are taking up space of a potential match that is elsewhere.
I feel fortunate today, that I have a date, but even that nearly didn't happen when my messages froze on me a short while back, so even technical issues can plague us and reduce the opportunity of finding a date let alone 'the one'.
In response to your message OP you're nailing the problem on the head, however there are a few things we can all do to improve our odds on here -
Now this advice goes double for everyone, men and women.
I've been on POF a while now, on and off, you know how it is, you decide to give a method another chance, but... in all that time I have never had one direct email to me from someone, save for one time... but that's it... once, only one woman emailed me first, sure I've had replies, but only because I initiated contact first. Now I know it's not just women, even guys are equally lazy at contact, and sure it's a free site, everyone is entitled to do as they please, but you have to wonder, in reference to the OP's statement above, how that lack of wishing to initiate first contact, greatly effects the odds as depicted above.
This is a dating site after all (okay it has other options as well, friends, hang out, activity partners etc...) but if there is a lack of direct contact on both parts, vice versa... then all this becomes is a catalogue of people, and to me that is a horrible reality to feel a part of, as I'm sure you'll agree, unlike with most social networking sites, be it BEBO, Myspace, Facebook, or even every other dating site that charges you an arm and leg with no guarantees despite what they say, the opportunity of meeting someone by those is ridiculously small; this 'FREE' site with hundreds and thousands of people, and new members on an hourly basis, 'should' be a great opportunity for us all to meeet someone, but in real life as well, not just cyberspace.
We're all equally guilty of hurting our chances and somone elses on here, me for example, I like to be spontaneous and random, it's in my nature, so I tend to get disappointed easily if someone who exchanges messages says how about a date in a few weeks time, if I'm honest my interest dies because I feel, like 'Oh gee, thanks for fitting me into your busy schedule', it hurts right, BUT, maybe I should be more patient, she could be worth the wait in the end, but at the same time, one could question how genuinely keen she might have been, even though people have busy lives , 3 weeks hardly screams, I'm keen to meet you, merely just another a diary appointment... It all becomes a matter of opinion.
At the end of the day, our odds can improve if we take a step back, and look and what we do, and how we behave, which suprisingly can be different to how behave in real life, but the basic answer is, our chances would increase if we all help each other, if you have friends on here, when was the last time, you recommended a profile to someone, it's karma at the end of the day, one could turn, could lead to another in your favour. Whether we admit to it or not, our own selfish impulses be it conscious or sub-conscious, is either dierctly or indirectly hurting how this site functions.
Information is also a key, we're all words and photos on page, so be honest with yourself not just with others... if for example you're not ready to date and just want friends, then put friends down as what you are looking for, don't put down dating, then go on dates and say on the date 'I'm not ready for dating' at the end of the day, you could be hurting someone's feelings, or wasting someone's time, so make your intentions clear.
Right I think I've rambled on long enough, but in view of what the OP has said and myself, these are very valid and honest opinions, I've even depicted my flaws, but only in a bid to get us all to step back, think, and take action, some of us might not need to, some of us do, and I'm sure some of us just simply won't be arsed, but that would be a shame. This site is a wonderful opportunity, it gives us the courtesy and decency of not fleecing us for money, so let's extend that back and make this work.
Love actually, is all around  so happy fishing  | |
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| Realistic expectations of finding the One on a dating site
Posted: 7/20/2009 6:49:39 AM | I feel it is just as likely (or, to be more accurate, just as unlikely) as in the real world.
We're here because we haven't had the time/money/inclination to search out soemone. Or we have a restricted social life or whatever. All those problems come with us to the site so why we should expect it to work miracles, I don't know.
It'll work, or more likely it won't. At least it's free and we're not chucking money away. | |
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Pud78
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Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 11 | |
| Realistic expectations of finding the One on a dating site
Posted: 7/20/2009 7:03:21 AM | | It may not be that realistic but is more realistic than sitting at home doing nothing, it is another avenue to consider and follow as well as real life. Internet dating should be fun and not taken to seriously and if your one of the lucky ones it can bring happiness. Internet dating has brought me happy times and not the one but has been enjoyable experience. | |
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| Realistic expectations of finding the One on a dating site
Posted: 7/20/2009 7:18:33 AM | The best thing I've read on internet dating sites in a long time....though I dont suppose POF or anyone else will use it for advertising!!
I very seldom meet a man I'm attracted too...it's all in the yes for me and pictures do not sell that twinkle very well. But then a GSOH isnt obvious either until you make the effort to email or phone etc...it takes effort and patience the same as everything else in life. | |
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| Realistic expectations of finding the One on a dating site
Posted: 7/20/2009 7:25:36 AM | The site is an extension of life - it increases the number of people we can contact, and makes that initial approach somewhat easier than walking over to a woman in a pub who you know nothing about (apart from the approximate size of her chest).
Further, the number of people on the site far exceeds the amount of people one could reasonably expect to encounter in the real world, unless you are a steward at The Dome.....
So, if 'the one' is on the site, we have more chance of stumbling into her here than if neither of us were on the site.
I have met two women in my life who I considered to have been 'the one'....the first had nothing to do with the site (neither of us were on it), and the second was at a 'closed' pof meet. I have no idea if the next 'one' is on here, but if she is, then the chances of meeting her are much better than if I left! | |
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| Realistic expectations of finding the One on a dating site
Posted: 7/20/2009 8:35:34 AM | I agree that using internet dating is an extension of real life, but not a replacement for it. I was encouraged to try it by two friends who met on the internet and have now been now married for 3 years with number one child on the way. It worked for them.
I also agree that it's easier for most people to intiate contact with someone by sending a virtual message than say hello face to face in a pub, club or similar - although there's probably a break even point somewhere related to the amount of alcohol consumed. The ability to say hello face to face usually rises whereas the ability to type a coherent message goes down with increasing alcohol consumption. It's also convenient and in the case of PoF, free.
Certainly not saying people shouldn't use internet sites, the question posed, the food for thought, is simply whether when all things are considered, is your expectation of using such sites actually realistic or not? | |
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| Realistic expectations of finding the One on a dating site
Posted: 7/20/2009 9:25:53 AM | Walking down the street and looking at them is no indication of whether you would fancy them or not, interaction with those people would undoubtedly leave you fancying a lot more than 2 or 3 and what if the 2 or 3 out of a hundred didn't fancy you? because going by your odds on the fancyometer of a maximum 3/100..... chances are they won't.
There is no such thing as "the one" there are millions of potential partners out there we could all have a long and happy relationship with if only you'd take the blinkers off.
What this place DESPERATELY needs is a wink facility, you wouldn't walk up to a complete stranger in Sainsburys and start chatting without some eye contact, a mutual wink would be that eye contact...how many times on here have we heard blokes moaning about writing long, well thought out messages only to get read/deleted? if you had a wink thing on here you could save a lot of wasted time. | |
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| Realistic expectations of finding the One on a dating site
Posted: 7/20/2009 10:28:15 AM | shabba
You're right it would probably save some time but would it increase your chances of meeting Mr or Miss Right? There are sites with a wink facility, don't know if the success rate is any greater than on PoF, but I somehow doubt it.
As for walking down the street and looking, well I think that's pretty much the same as looking at photo's on a web page. As much as we all like to say that's it personality, personality, personality that counts - let's be honest, ninety nine percent of the time what's the first thing that gets a persons attention on a dating site - the photo?
Not always the case, there's always exceptions to the rule, but if we are talking generally, that's no doubt by far the main trigger to make someone click on a profile and have a read. I wonder what percentage of people do searches with "images only" set to on? Not saying it's right, but just the way these sites work and no doubt why every dating site tells you that the chances of getting your profile viewed increases by a huge percentage if you have a photo on it.
Hey, do the exercise and see what your average count is, I actually did it with three mates, just having a bit of a laugh at the time really, but we all came up with about the same numbers. | |
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| Realistic expectations of finding the One on a dating site
Posted: 7/20/2009 10:33:04 AM | Hey, do the exercise and see what your average count is, I actually did it with three mates, just having a bit of a laugh at the time really, but we all came up with about the same numbers.
I'm off to sainsburys in a mo, i'll report back.....it's got to be more than 3/100 !
You're right it would probably save some time but would it increase your chances of meeting Mr or Miss Right? There are sites with a wink facility, don't know if the success rate is any greater than on PoF, but I somehow doubt it.
There's no chemistry on the net..obviously, so all there is to go on is the photo and after a while you do become a little shallow and just skip through most of the profiles looking for someone who stands out, if someone had winked at me i know i would have a serious look and read of her profile. | |
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| Realistic expectations of finding the One on a dating site
Posted: 7/20/2009 10:47:22 AM | Yeh, DD site has winks and if someone winked at me I would have a look - but do you reply or reply positively - still comes down to do you fancy that person and that comes down a lot of the time to the pic - although an interesting written profile may make you look a little harder I bet in ninty nine percent of cases, the pic will rule the day as to whether you respond positively or not.
And if there's not a pic, chances are you'll be dying to see one before going too far - right or wrong, it's just human nature.
As I said in my first post, not talking super model, just someone you're personally attracted too - which if you met in person it may not actually be physical attraction but on the web with little or nothing else to go on????? What's the dominant factor in most peoples decision on how they respond to a message - or a wink?
Not trying to judge the merits of dating sites, hey, I live in hope too, it's just when you start to think about how effective dating sites probably really are, it helps to put that hope in perspective. | |
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| Realistic expectations of finding the One on a dating site
Posted: 7/20/2009 10:49:13 AM | actually my expectations are hopeful but i dont really put much thought into this site or any other for that matter but i do think anything is possible and maybe someone will come around i will like to date or whatever..it's like being positive with no goal in site ! thats my life anyway why should it change here  | |
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mart-b
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Joined: 6/16/2009
Msg: 22 | |
| Realistic expectations of finding the One on a dating site
Posted: 7/20/2009 12:50:18 PM | Have been on and off this site a couple of years now, having come out of a four year relationship that started on another dating site
The reason I have been in and out of relationships since is selfishness/ laziness on my part
The type of woman I’m looking for, I met last year, attractive (to me), funny, intelligent (teacher/speaks five languages) and not afraid to tell me I can be an oaf sometimes
And I finished with her because she lived over an hours drive away
So have been dating those that get in touch who live closer because it suites selfish/lazy me
I have been putting up with serial daters, players, women who have no conversation, even a woman who I can only describe as weird, `cos they lived less than 20/ 30 minutes away
Going thru the motions, not being, how can I put it? True to myself, dishonest to them....
Using each other
And those that got in touch but lived miles away, have been telling them “have tried long distance but sadly it doesn’t work”
Thankfully the teacher from last year kept in touch, sending me outrageously funny jokes by text that she would get from her students
Thankful, because I came to realise I would rather make an effort to spend quality time with someone with whom I had a connection with on many levels, than quantity time with a woman I just had sex with and was not really bothered if I saw again
So a couple of weeks ago, I got a funny text and replied with my more or less these thoughts
And she has graciously let me back in to her life and fingers crossed I’ve found my one
Share so many, tastes, values and natter non stop but she is also someone I know I could share a comfortable silence with
Took off the blinkers and there she was, put in some effort `cos she’s worth it and reminded again about gut instincts
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Joe1uk
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Joined: 6/10/2009
Msg: 24 | |
| Realistic expectations of finding the One on a dating site
Posted: 7/20/2009 4:57:33 PM | I met the one on a wap chat site called wapoc, unfortunately the very sites that get you with 'the one' also have tendency to split you up. Especially if it has a chat site and to a lesser degree forums and meets. There's a reason to keep coming back. My previous was a blind date.In reality we have far more chance if we accept someone we find pleasant looking than only really fancy. People grow on us looks wise. become more attractive.
What looks I find attractive and fancy, types if you like changes almost daily anyway. and although I consistently like brunets and gingers it doesn't stop me fancying the occasional blonde. | |
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| Realistic expectations of finding the One on a dating site
Posted: 7/20/2009 5:24:01 PM |
I must be a bit weird. I can only really fancy one man at a time. At the moment there is one and no one else appears attractive to me.
sjxx Hallajulah ....I was beginning to think I was weird! Im like a dog with a bone when I have my sights set on someone everyone else fades into obscurity, even George Clooney wouldnt get a look in....errr then again humm.
I used to have great expectations but not no more...Im very sceptical about dating sites now and wouldnt recommend them to anyone. I think there are too many people with delusions of grandeur on them heheh. In other words sweet shop syndrome. Oh and the meets Ive been to was full of middle aged women in tartan mini skirts, n young men snorting cocaine. 
But the forums are great fun as long as you refrain from upsetting right said fred. | |
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