| just dont get it
Posted: 7/20/2009 10:08:03 AM | Alright I was going out with this girl for about 2 months and things were going great and I started to feel really strong about her. Thought maybe for the first time in my life things might work out and be fine. One night I spent the night at her house and she told me that she didn't feel good and she was having "women issues" and she went to the hospital and found out that she had a cyst and pre-cancer cells. So we sat down and talked a little bit how she needed time to take care of herself which is fine because her health was the most important thing. She said she didn't want to hurt me so I figured she wanted some space so she can get through it. So every few days I'd send her a text asking how she was doing because I was worried about her. Sometimes she wouldn't reply back but when she did I got the one word answers so I was like alright whatever. I talked to my friend for some advice and she told me I was doing all that I could and I could only be there for her when she wants me to be there. A week or two goes by and she had the surgery to take out the pre- cancer cells and everything and she seemed to be more herself and doing a lot better. So I tried calling her so we could talk and she sends me a text saying the reason that we're not together anymore has nothing to do with you and it's not your fault, I just wanna be friends. I told her first of all I didn't know you broke up with me because It wasn't very clear and I just didn't get why she was ending things with me.
Come to find out she tells me that she still has feelings for her Ex that she went out with for a year but broke up with him because he's like 40 something years old and doesn't want to have kids and that's what she wants. She told me before we started going out that all he would do was lie to her and how much she hated being lied to and all this crap. She asked me before we even started going out what I wanted in a relationship and I told her I was looking for something serious with someone that I can settle down and have a family with.
So I asked her if she was going back to him and she tells me that she doesn't know what she wants, that she needs time for herself. I treated this girl with nothing but respect and everything was great. But it's the same old shit. I just don't get how she can have everything she wants in front of her and still want to go back to the loser ex. It just hurts to really start to fall for someone and have her cut you out of her life for no reason. I keep asking myself what did I do wrong and everyone tells me that I didn't do anything wrong but I can't help feeling that way. idk i just get it. | |
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| just dont get it
Posted: 7/20/2009 10:29:51 AM | It's hard to offer advice on something like this because of her medical problems. It may be that the doctor told her something that changed her thinking. With the threat of cancer and cysts, especially where she had them, it may limit her chances of getting pregnant and/or having a healthy child. She may have ended it with you because, in her mind, she's saving you from the pain of not having the future family you want. Her ex doesn't want to have kids, so if (and it's a big if) the doctor told her something like that, then she doesn't have to worry about kids with her ex.
Medical problems almost always put strain on a relationship. And like I said, it's hard to offer advice because we don't know what she's thinking or what the doctor told her. I'd say just offer to be there for her as a friend, and if she decides she still doesn't want to be with you, try your best to move on. Hope this helps. | |
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| just dont get it
Posted: 7/20/2009 10:49:45 AM | Dude you did nothing wrong - you did everything right. She has what we call down here the deeeep south "snakes in the head." In other words, she's got issues - bad. I know it's hard to accept and at this point - after just being hurt and or still hurting - you're not going to see it, but you're probably better off in the long run.
Your first sign that things weren't right on her end was the fact she didn't want you around when she was struggling with her medical issue. Now, I can't speak for most people but if I were in a situation like that, I would find great comfort in having my SO at my side. Your second red flag (which is after the fact) is that she's still wrapped up, emotionally, with someone that lied to and treated her poorly.
Yes, it's going to hurt. Yes, it sucks. Just remember to not take it out on the next.
Now comes the tough advice that you're probably not going to listen to - knowing how people often are. IF she calls you up and wants you back - you really need to evaluate the situation and be very cautious about letting her back into your life. Is there a chance she'll do this (call you back)? You bet your ass there is. She doesn't have a clue as to what she wants, and if the ex decides he doesn't want her or tosses her to curb - she'll be calling. IF you take her back it'll only be a matter of time before her confusion gets the best of her again and she decides that so-and-so is a better match.
The best advice I can give you is simply: move on, put her behind you, don't allow her back into your life, and do not take your pain out on the next. | |
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| just dont get it
Posted: 7/20/2009 11:19:41 AM | | it doesnt sound like her medical condition had anything to do with the break up. ive been in the same boat. you start seeing a girl,treat her with the utmost respect,then next thing you know,she runs back to an ex or something to that extent.theres no telling why people do what they do.seems like the nice guys finish last these days.keep your head up bud,im sure there are plenty of good women out there for ya | |
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| just dont get it
Posted: 7/20/2009 11:24:55 AM | | I think the pre-cancerous female issues wasn't the reason why she broke up with you. It was because she just isn't sure you are what she wants. | |
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| just dont get it
Posted: 7/20/2009 3:20:13 PM | you didn't do anything wrong. her feelings faded. she wanted to be with another person. she wasn't into you. all that silly stuff.
eh, it happens.
i was going out with this guy and things were going fine and suddenly he freaked out and said he wanted to go on a break, even though we were just hanging out. haha i didn't get it either.
i didn't wait for that phone call though. it's simple in life. if you have feelings for someone, no matter what you will find a way to be with them. if you don't, you walk away.
don't feel bad and don't make yourself go crazy. these things happen to everyone | |
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| just dont get it
Posted: 7/20/2009 10:29:29 PM | | thanks cinsav I appreciate your advice and everyone else | |
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| just dont get it
Posted: 7/20/2009 11:55:29 PM | | Like everyone else said, you did nothing wrong. You did all you could you gave her space and time and left her alone which is good while she was dealing with her issues. It happens to a lot of ppl when the one you really like just ends it for no reason, and it baffles you. Better to know now then say 6 months from now. Just know you did all the right things and know that there is a lady for you who will appreciate your class act and will reciprocate it. Don't feel too bad though :) Cheers! | |
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| just dont get it
Posted: 7/21/2009 7:21:37 AM | Maybe the ex is more understanding of her medical problems because he's older-!
It ain't about YOU, dude--it's about her. I think it's very clear why she doesn't want to start a relationship right now...she might have cancer, and any stress (including relationship stress from you) might make the cancer progress more aggressively and kill her. Give her space and try to move on...to someone else, or just fly solo for awhile. | |
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| just dont get it
Posted: 7/21/2009 9:51:49 AM | | there wasn't any stress between us, everything was great and we were having fun and she told everyone that she was excited where it could end up. But I recently found out as soon as the ex found out we were together and started playing the nice guy and telling her how much he missed her and wanted her back. She told me that would be the biggest mistake of her life to go back to him. But I guess he really got back into her head with everything that was going on. She says she wants to be friends but honestly I can't. It's been 3 weeks since we've talk and I asked her nicely to give my stuff back to my roomate because he works with her but still haven't gotten it back. | |
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| just dont get it
Posted: 7/21/2009 11:39:19 AM | | First sorry I think we have all been there, but when a woman says she needs time and wants to be by herself, there is usually a reason why. If we are into a guy, we want to see them all the time. Step back for a while and see if she comes back to you. As the old saying goes if she doesnt, it wasnt meant to be. | |
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| just dont get it
Posted: 7/22/2009 9:02:09 PM | Hey bro,
My advice to you from my experience, Let her do what she has to do. It seems to me that she is not use to being treated with decency and respect. Therefore she is scared and confused and doesn't know how to take it. She is use to being treated like shit from her previous relationships. I know it hurts, but leaving her exactly where she is at will make her realized that she made a big mistake. If she decides that she wants you back, make her work hard to proving herself to you, never ever give in imediately. A woman is not gonna respect you when she has you wrapped around her finger. Actions does speak louder than words. Good luck to you bro!
Mark aka Avante | |
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| just dont get it
Posted: 7/22/2009 9:17:02 PM | Hold on, precancerous cells? A developed cyst? Once you had cancer, you have a higher chance of getting it back. That's what the doctor says. It's precancer, but you're still predisposed to it and you can't do anything about it, it's in your genes and you can't change that. We don't know why kids get leukemia, we don't know why women leave good guys for richer guys that can pay for medical bills. You need to do everything you can to live. Love can't pay medical bills in the future. Look out for #1, yourself. She's doing the same thing. Either die with the one you love because he can't front the $30,000 cancer bill, or live with the one you love because he can pay it off.
My point is invalid if you have more money than the 40 year old, are more financially stable than the 40 year old, and have more job security than the 40 year old. | |
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| just dont get it
Posted: 7/27/2009 9:21:38 PM | | still having a hard time with this... looking for some more input and advice. thanks | |
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| just dont get it
Posted: 7/27/2009 9:53:55 PM | I suggest if you still want to be around her that you consider only friends. In a situation such as cancer most peoples ideals tend to run about in there heads and they don't tend to consider what they are doing to others around them. If she has gone back to her ex then that means that whatever you end up offering her you will always be the fall back guy. Its like when people break up and they screw around with another person right away, that person usually never gets a relationship out of the ordeal.
I know how it feels when the person is right there but for some reason they just don't see what is happening around them and to them. If by chance you two get back together you will always have the fear of "is she going to leave me again?". Some girls like a little bit of niglect and thats what keeps there interest. If you are always giving and paying attention 24/7 it can seem overbarring and hard to handle.
I hope you don't take this this the wrong way, but it seems to me this might be a little bit what shes like or may be thinking. Nice guys aren't always what women want. They might say they do but everyone likes that little bit of adventure. | |
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| just dont get it
Posted: 7/27/2009 10:12:28 PM | It's a tough thing to get over, but remember you can't change how a person feels, only they can change themself.
Chalk it up to "she ain't the one" and move on.
About the friends bit, if she hasn't made any attempt to keep you in the loop, then take the hint and move on. No sense in wasting time on someone who won't give you the time of day.
Honestly, sometimes I don't think we're meant to "get it". Men and women tend to see things just differently enough to keep us all guessing. | |
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| just dont get it
Posted: 7/28/2009 9:38:21 PM |
I figured she wanted some space so she can get through it.
Not a very smart assumption to make. I'm figuring it was at that point she felt abandonned (probably not the type who'll talk about it) and then called the X to lean on him and voila, he was there for her through the thick of it, not by text but in real life and it rekindled her feelings.
And texts to deal with your gf having cancer? Sorry, in my world...not even close to appropriate. | |
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| just dont get it
Posted: 7/28/2009 11:08:31 PM |
Not a very smart assumption to make. I'm figuring it was at that point she felt abandonned (probably not the type who'll talk about it) and then called the X to lean on him and voila, he was there for her through the thick of it, not by text but in real life and it rekindled her feelings.
And texts to deal with your gf having cancer? Sorry, in my world...not even close to appropriate.
She told me she wanted to be left alone and she didn't even want be to be there for her from the beginning of it. I tried calling her but she wouldn't answer or text me back so I was trying to do the right thing by respecting her wish. | |
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| just dont get it
Posted: 7/29/2009 12:28:45 AM | | That's life for ya. Everyone is going to get hurt in their lifetime. All you can do is hope for a better tomorrow. | |
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| just dont get it
Posted: 7/29/2009 7:10:45 AM | I agree with one other post . The medical issues was a lame excuse to seperate from you. If she felt the same about you that you did about her, she would want you to be there for her. Instead she started thinking about her ex. Twisted, but sometimes events can trigger unexpected emotions. Just know that you are a wondeful, caring , supportive guy, she will remember that and regret the way she treated you. Dont let the situations change you, stay wonderful.  | |
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| just dont get it
Posted: 7/29/2009 7:32:47 PM | Dude, you are what women look for in a man, someone that they can trust and depend on in tough times and be sweet just because. You did nothing wrong and don't change the way you are for anybody.
Like cinsav said, she will call back. Although she went through something really deep, you can't feel sorry for her when she does come calling on you. | |
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| just dont get it
Posted: 7/29/2009 9:27:17 PM | "I need time to sort out some things" = I'm breaking up with you
Women are sweet and kind, sometimes so kind that they can't be as direct as men by telling us the full truth. Most really don't want to hurt our feelings, when we would much rather just get the news and move on.
I think the cancer, though scary and unfortunate, was the plausible excuse for her to leave you. It worked but it wasn't the reason.
From the first month to the sixth month are tough times for relationships -- youre excited as heck about this new person and falling for them yet it could fall apart at any moment. You didn't know her yet, and now you do.
Don't wait for her to come back to you. Live your life and as I always say "This too shall pass" | |
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| just dont get it
Posted: 7/30/2009 10:02:52 PM | You respected her wishes, and that was the right thing. You are a smart guy, and obviously know how to treat a woman right--this will all work in your favor sometime down the road, with someone else. As someone here already said, her medical issue scared the bejesus out of her. She is not in a good state of mind to know WHAT she wants and may well be making a mistake, but that does not change the situation for you because you need to move on. She does not connect you with her deepest needs right now--and although this was a tough way for you to find out, it's ok--she just doesn't see you that way, and you cannot make her.
Right now, you need to grieve the loss of something that felt right to YOU. It is very hard; it will make you really sad. You have lost a loved one and the future you imagined together, and there is nothing harder than that. It's easy to devalue her and make it seem as though you didn't really lose much; that's one way to deal with it. Another way is to accept you just weren't right for each other, for reasons you will never know. That's really, really hard to do--to be thankful for what you had and how you grew b/c of that relationship, and then to let it go. Whatever direction you take, I wish you luck. (But: If you blame yourself or feel worthless b/c of her actions, you should talk to some people or a counselor, because those reactions reflect self-esteem issues, not the loss of a loved one, and poor self-esteem will lead you to choose poor partners.) | |
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| just dont get it
Posted: 7/31/2009 6:35:46 AM |
Dude, you are what women look for in a man, someone that they can trust and depend on in tough times and be sweet just because.
...the definition of 'being in the friend zone' | |
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| just dont get it
Posted: 7/31/2009 8:13:32 AM |
...the definition of 'being in the friend zone'
tried to be friends with a ex before and it doesn't work. It's like torturing yourself. | |
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