| | Whats going through his mind and why can't he make it up?Page 1 of 1 | | Ok, I am going to try and make this long story very short without sparing important details. I have known this guy for a while, but he always had a girlfriend who was a very nice girl. They were together for 4 years. he disappeared for awhile and one day, while facebooking he popped up and we started chatting. him and his gf had broken up a few months before, so we started hanging out. Things went great at first, we hung out with our mutual friends, he took me on a date. he always called me and wanted to hang out. then we passed the more than friends line and started becoming more. We acted like a couple. I knew he wasn't ready for a relationship because he reminded me very frequently that he wanted to take things slow. I was very ok with that. All this time him and his ex were trying the "lets be friends" thing, and be honest we all know how that goes. So i always stayed on my toes. him stayed at my apt with me pretty much everynight and always told me how much he liked me and how he loved he could bring me around his friends and how well i fit in. He would tell me how he talked to him mom about me and how it felt like we were together just without the title. Whenever we would go out drinking together he would always end up telling me he loved me. While he was sober he once told me he was falling in love with me. I was happy and quickly falling for him... then his grandfather passed away in a car accident. Everything changed. He wanted me and his ex to be there for him and I tried to be understanding. She would call him all the time while I was with him. His attitude changed completely towards me. He went into the "I dont have feelings, i dont care about life" kind of moods and it was just getting tiring. I tried hard to be understanding but it was just getting hard, esp with him telling me we would never officially be a couple. I didnt know what the point was so i told him i was unhappy and that i couldnt do it anymore. That week we tried to be friends and still hang out with our mutual friends. Every time this happened he would end up staying the night and us acting like old times. it was hard not to have feelings for him. our problems were still there and i still wasnt happy because i was finally ready for a relationship with him (it had been 5 months since we started hanging out). he wasnt. so i once again told him i just couldnt do this pretending game with him. after we had that conversation i found out he went to the party i had just left to pick up another girl and he took her home with him. this upset me so badly i just sent him a text saying "disappear". and he did. that was about a month ago. we are now trying to be friends again and have worked thru all that, i think. I still really care about him and would like to hope that maybe things could build back up between us, but the ex is still in the picture. i dont know how to act or what to do? should i just let him do the leading, or should i speak up? i dont think he will ever want a relationship with me, but how could everything change so fast? im just so confused because i fell in love with him, and i see something special in him that he doesnt even see in himself. i really believe in him and i feel bad about his grandfather but i dont understand how it could affect things this much? i just need some guidance. any advice will help. | |
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| Whats going through his mind and why can't he make it up?
Posted: 7/21/2009 11:28:37 PM | Did you see a recurring theme in your post... trying to "stay friends" always led to someone being unhappy. Why? Cause there's still feelings, so staying friends sort of keeps a foot in the door, so to speak.
When you break it off, keep it broken off. If you're going to try and be friends, do it later after your emotions have settled down and you've had a chance to put some distance between you.
The other aspect of your post that I've noticed is, you seem to make decisions and then are uncertain if they were the right ones. You second guess yourself a lot. This guy knows you, knows that you'll accept him back when he wants to come back, even if that means just to toy with you. Sure, you'll say "go away", but it begins that vicious circle of indecision all over again.
Personally, I think this is a toxic relationship and one you need to finally put behind you.
JS | |
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| Whats going through his mind and why can't he make it up?
Posted: 7/21/2009 11:31:08 PM | You know sweet, death plays a very big role in how we think and feel and it can draw back the past instantly. He was obviously with this girl for sometime and she more than likely knew his grandfather.. He more than likely needed her and at that time, you as well...
Depression can sink in..
Confusion as well, 5 months may be long but you two were "friends" first over that period, it's not that long for a guy whom hasn't exactly, totally moved on. If he had, he wouldn't have needed her as well.
Confusion has stepped in.
It's obviously he likes you but he's not ready to commit to anyone, and I don't think that he doesn't see himself as something special, rather, just "living for the time being".
The hurdle you have to jump is his past.
He needs to leave it there but he's not ready.
So, if I was you, I would accept that there is baggage, move on yourself and just remember, "if you love someone set them free, if they come back to you they are yours if they don't they never were".
Do not sleep with him, do not text/call... Just play it very cool for a fair amount of time, but at the same time, start dating other guys as well hun...
We shouldn't settle and we can't change people... | |
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| Whats going through his mind and why can't he make it up?
Posted: 7/21/2009 11:41:05 PM | Forgive me for being frank, its just easier for me...
So here's this fairy tale guy. He talks to his mom about you. He tells you he loves you when he's drunk. He was "falling in love with you" when he's sober.
Here's this a$$hole. He keeps talking to his ex, because everyone needs a backup plan. Someone dies in his family and he falls apart, taking "loved" (when drunk) ones down with him. He gets mad at you, saying you will never officially be a couple. After five months, he won't commit to you and goes and brings home a girl from the party you two were just at!
Now you're trying to be friends (why, are you crazy?), the ex is still in the picture, you care about him, you see things in him he doesn't see... and honestly, the "fairy tale," as I described it, isn't that great, either, is it?
Let me clarify for you. He talked his way into sex with you. The guy's a P-L-A-Y-E-R, plain and simple. You think he's not sleeping with his ex? Of course he is! Why else would she "still be in the picture?"
When I was 20 years old, I fell in love easily. I also fell out of love easily. Want some guidance? Send another text saying "disappear" and do the same yourself. I hate saying this, but he used his grandfather as an excuse. Grandfathers die, that's what they do, and they always will, that's how it works. If he needs you and his ex to "be there for him" he's a wimpy whining little b!tch who needs to learn how to be with one woman and let the others go, even in a time of need. I guess I never understood the need to be friends with exes, people break up for a reason. Why let history repeat itself?
You can "try and be friends" all you want. But in the mean time, you're just causing yourself undue stress.
You're a pretty young girl. Find a guy who won't f*ck with you like this. You deserve that, quite frankly.
Good luck to you. This is just a little lesson, you'll move on and find a good guy sometime, trust me. | |
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| Whats going through his mind and why can't he make it up?
Posted: 7/21/2009 11:44:33 PM | you should definately tell him how you feel and ask him if there are any feelings left. but i don't think you can hold the torch too long. deaths in the family really make people think about who they are and who they're looking for, and what they want in a relationship. maybe his grandfather's passing told him he didn't want what you two had.
anyhow the best thing you can do is just ask him straightfowardly and not be pushy or anything. if he doesn't want it, just move on. | |
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| Whats going through his mind and why can't he make it up?
Posted: 7/22/2009 12:22:28 AM |
i just need some guidance. any advice will help. invoke a no contact rule immediate and do not under any circumstances read or respond to messages, emails, texts or listen to voicemails or accept phone calls.
Trust me. | |
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| Whats going through his mind and why can't he make it up?
Posted: 7/22/2009 1:43:55 AM | Chandlers pretty much hit the nail on the head.
He was with this girl for 4 years. She knew and was probably close with his entire family......... I know it sucks, but that car wreck didn't just kill his grandfather. It killed your relationship as well.
Being friends after a breakup ALWAYS leads to pain for one or both parties. The only cure is time and most importantly distance.
EDIT: To quote........
type "["quote"]" in front of the text and "["/quote"]" at the end. Without the "s of course. | |
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| Whats going through his mind and why can't he make it up?
Posted: 7/22/2009 10:38:34 AM | "Kalee Ann : Looking for Love in all the wrong places" -- your headline says it all.
I'm going to try to be as gentle as I can in conveying this-- which is not very gentle.
His actions make perfect sense if you accept that he was never confused and never had any difficulty making up his mind. Look at how people act, not what they say about how they act.
This is the thought process you are looking at:
1. "Kalee ann is physically attractive. She likes me. She puts up with my boozing. I will use her for s*x, I will tell her whatever I think is useful for this purpose, while maintaining communication with my ex- in case Kalee ann wises up."
2. "Grandpa died. That s*cks. I do not even have the energy to pretend anymore."
3. "Kalee ann appears to have wised up. Time to replace her with a random hookup."
4. "Despite replacing her with a random hookup, Kalee ann apparently has not wised up. Investigate prospects of returning to item 1, with occasional item 3."
Or, you can have the short version: "i don't think he will ever want a relationship with me"-- so why are you pursuing one with him, then? | |
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LD44
| | Joined: 8/23/2008
Msg: 11 | |
| Whats going through his mind and why can't he make it up?
Posted: 7/22/2009 11:01:18 AM | | Here is the brutal honest truth. he is playing you like a violin, you are a whole for him to put it in. sorry for brutal truth but you sound like your giving this guy your best and he is using you badly. why not go give your best to a guy who will appreciate all the good you have to offer? | |
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| Whats going through his mind and why can't he make it up?
Posted: 7/22/2009 11:13:10 AM |
Here is the brutal honest truth. he is playing you like a violin, you are a whole for him to put it in. sorry for brutal truth but you sound like your giving this guy your best and he is using you badly. why not go give your best to a guy who will appreciate all the good you have to offer?
DITTO.
Come on Sweetie, YOU are not the girl for this type of guy. You already know that... don't you. Don't hang around while this guy plays you. There are TONS of guys out there who can treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Good luck! | |
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| Whats going through his mind and why can't he make it up?
Posted: 7/22/2009 11:42:06 AM | Great replies to the OP. But sometimes we tend to forget that, at the younger stage in life, we're still idealizing love and maintaining hope that love will conquer all. Perhaps this young lady is not distraught over losing this man, who is obviously not ready for a long term relationship and can't be honest about that. Perhaps this young lady's image, dreams, of an ideal love has been seriously damaged, tossed around like a sparrow in a hurricane. The thought of losing her investment in her dream, not the loss of this particular, ah, person, is what is perhaps causing the most angst.
Game theory has shown that objectivity, the ability to see things totally neutral, goes out the door once some "investment" has been made. Like the woman who gets beat up who stays in a marriage because "marriage should be forever, that's what I said when I took those vows." Or the person who refuses to let a pet critter die, even though the poor critter is in obvious pain and misery, "because I can't bear to stand the thought of losing it." Losing what? An image of how things should be, not how they are, an image of desire for a dream that a person has,not the raw naked reality of what is before them. If dreams are to become reality, neutral objectivity has to creep back into the picture.
So, OP, this man is destroying your dream, and chances of turning those dreams into reality, not you. Hang on to your dream, not the man who will continually, and gradually, destroy it. Trying to twist and torque this man into your image of "what can become" is like saying that your problems will be over when you win the lottery tomorrow. Statistically speaking, I'll lay odds on the lottery before the man you put in as a chip to winning your image of a happy relationship -- of course, I'm only going by what you have described, meaning, I'm only operating on limited data.
Having said all of that, I feel your pain -- most of us have had the same hurt. It sucks. | |
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| Whats going through his mind and why can't he make it up?
Posted: 7/22/2009 3:10:56 PM | manwich why does that not surprise me
OP, come on, you got a brain, you already told him to disappear, why hang on to him any longer. He couldn't give up contact with his ex, he has already shagged another. And you were the rebound girl. Sorry sweety, but that is how I see it. What I don't get is, how can you want him as a friend? If I have no faith in a person, I can't respect them, and there fore can't be friends with them. | |
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| Whats going through his mind and why can't he make it up?
Posted: 7/23/2009 10:55:30 AM | It seems to me that this guy doesn't care much about other's people feellings and emotions. Otherwise he wouldn't play 2 women for such a long time. It is all about him and nothing but him. Not a boyfriend material,I'd say but probably this would make you want him even more and prove us all wrong. | |
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| Whats going through his mind and why can't he make it up?
Posted: 7/23/2009 12:20:32 PM | He's playing you and his ex.
.......................
Life's too short to be waiting on anybody. .......
You need to make up your own mind............
Kick him to the curb and enjoy someone who wants you!.............
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