| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/23/2009 11:13:12 PM | | I have seen many posts where people have stated that dating or even spending time with someone that they were not attracted to as a waste of time, and that got me to thinking. I’m my 30 some odd years of dating I have often gone out with females that I found less than attractive, yet that did not stop me from having a good time. I enjoy the art of socializing and dancing, and the looks of a person in no way changes that. Are people that say it's a waste of time really believe that you can only have fun with the hot and beautiful? Is it really better to sit at home and do nothing then to go out and have a nice dinner, have drinks or two and dance the night away? Maybe I just like having fun more than most, but I'm always up for a little entertainment. Of course I do find watching TV to be one of the biggest wastes of time anyone could do, and I have a need to always be moving, but really does that way someone else looks affect your ability to enjoy life? | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/23/2009 11:24:09 PM | TK, it seems like it depends on who is saying it. If it is the person that likes the other person, and they are feeling used (men will do this if they pay for coffee, soda, a movie, dinner,) then get pissed if they don't get to cop a feel, or get laid...
I personally agree with you. In fact I had a long term relationship with someone that was not considered particularly handsome, in fact he had hair down to his a$$ and often we get mistaken as a lesbian couple. He seemed to find that funny, I wasn't as thrilled, but for some love is still blind...
There have been times where some of these people I wasn't attracted to romantically did become problematic, and felt that there had to be some way to get me to fall for them, one lead to stalker behavior...
The normal person, that is cool with NOT being joe GQ, and or not everybodies cup of tea enjoyed just hanging out, and kicking it... However as I said, there were those that felt it was a waste if a woman wasn't into them because they felt they had plenty friends already.
I guess having friends is falling out of favor... | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/23/2009 11:26:53 PM | I don't think it is an issue of a waste of time. I think like you it's good to meet someone interesting who could just be a friend or who might come off better in person than they do online.
The problem is an ethical one in a dating situation. Should you go out with someone who you know you aren't interested in, when they think or hope you are interested in them? I think in that case it would be insincere and hurtful to encourage them. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/23/2009 11:29:42 PM |
Are people that say it's a waste of time really believe that you can only have fun with the hot and beautiful?
I don't know. I can't read their minds.
Is it really better to sit at home and do nothing then to go out and have a nice dinner, have drinks or two and dance the night away?
Yes if you don't find those activities entertaining. Or if you don't really want to go out. Because if you don't, then it's going to be communicated indirectly all night. And that generally makes for an unpleasant evening all around.
Who says that's the only choice anyway? I can go out, have a nice dinner, have a drink or two, and dance the night away by myself.
but really does that way someone else looks affect your ability to enjoy life?
Not me personally. I enjoy life with or without someone hot, neutral, or ugly. But I don't want to lead anyone on, get their hopes up, or waste their time either.
I don't want to use someone to get my going out jollies.
Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Because you already know you aren't attracted to them. Do people go on vacations to enjoy a city if they know before hand they don't want to go and know they won't enjoy that city?
Not to mention it detracts from the search and time you could be spending going out with someone you are attracted to. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/23/2009 11:44:41 PM | Most of the dates I ever went out with, I knew, pretty much even before we went out, that I wasn't going to be attracted to them in the ways that I need to be attracted.....
For the record.....it does NOT mean that they weren't "attractive"....it just means that there wasn't a mutual 'attraction' . Saying they aren't 'attractive' would mean they were somehow "ugly"... But they WERE attractive. We just didn't have common denominators that would garner 'attraction'. It's that whole "chemistry" thing that gets discussed many times in here. And as many times as I've even seen that topic discussed, I'm pretty convinced that my definition of chemistry might be different than others. whatever.....
That being said...I went out with those that I wasn't attracted to, but still knew that they were interesting enough in their own right that they were worthy of my time. I still have quite a few friends from such meetings. We still talk all the time, and are very good friends. I've never found it a waste of my time in any regard, because their friendship turned out to be a blessing to me.
I'll admit that I've stopped that sort of practice thought because...... I now have enough friends... I'm looking for the "love of my life"..... I COULD spend time with somebody new that I know that I'm not attracted to. But I have enough of them already. I can call them up and go do something with. I want to be with somebody who "moves" me. I need to be moved. And it's just as simple as that.... | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/23/2009 11:55:37 PM | Isn't perceived physical attractiveness and sexual compatibility varying among people?
Why is it shallow to be human? I wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone I had no sexual chemistry with, I would be one unhappy lady. Does someone that likes me deserve to be happy over me? Wouldn't they be happier with someone who they were sexually compatible with?
I'm not saying attractiveness physically over mentally. I am saying they are of equal importance, and people should stop settling unless their partner engages them in both ways. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/24/2009 12:00:07 AM | The key to this type of relationship is honesty and kindness. Don't lead anyone on into thinking there is going to be more in the future between the two of you other than good friends. Tell her she is beautiful, smart and interesting and you would value her as a friend. Women are not stupid, but we can be fragile. As long as you don't sleep together, then a good friendship is very possible if she is a mature, self-assured woman.
Just don't go the scumball route and have sex with a woman, then tell her the 'just be friends' speach. That can get you killed.
Good luck
Beth | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/24/2009 12:09:12 AM | | There are people I have no interest in going out with because I do not like them...like bigots or boring oafs...but I have no clue as to whether I'd be attracted to someone unless I took the time to get to know him, so I don't get the no chemistry thing before one has even bothered to see if there is any chemistry, but to each his own. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/24/2009 12:38:28 AM | I wouldn't say it's a waste of time. It's possible to become attracted to someone once you get to know them. The thing is, you have to be open minded.
I wouldn't have always agreed with that statement, but it's recently happened to me. This guy approached me one night when I was out with a girlfriend. He wasn't my type at all. He wasn't ugly but just not the type I find attractive. We talked and I thought he was really smart and very interesting. I gave him my number and he called the next day and asked me to dinner. I was hesitant to go but I did and as I got to know him, the more attractive he became. Now I am crazy about him! And the physical/sexual chemistry is pretty intense =) | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/24/2009 2:19:21 AM | there is more to attractiveness than physical features. you can be attracted to someones personality, and not to their physical body. This would make you better off as friends than in a closer relationship. Physical attraction isn't everything, but you have to at least be somewhat attracted to someones physical appearance enough for them to arouse you or not feel disgusted. if you aren't attracted to obese woman, you shouldn't date one just because she has a nice personality, unless you of course have a change of heart and can overlook those things (not recommended cause then you're not accepting it, you're just dealing with it). not overlooking them doesn't make you a bad person.
you shouldn't date people that you have no interest in getting closer with, that is leading them on. It seems more like you're dating women below you're standards because you can't get one that meets your standards, or your standards are too high. do you go for the 'ugly' women so you feel like you're the one gracing her with your presence? because you think they are easier to get and please? either way, you're using these people to your own end under false pretenses. it would only be fine if the other party was aware that you know from the start it's not going to go anywhere, or at least not where they're thinking. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/24/2009 3:27:09 AM | Spending time getting to know someone can never be a waste of time, as human interaction is a unique experience. I mean, what's the worst that can happen? You discover that the person is waste of space and not worth meeting again. That's it. That aint so bad. And at the very least you've got a 'bad date' story you can share with mates and have a laugh about it. Unless of course, you have the misfortune to meet a psycho, in which case you may likely end up dead. Hey, but at least you made the news!
Anyway, it's never a waste of time going out with someone who may you may not find initially attractive because you may find this person such good company that they become attractive; their initial flaws and imperfections are now the very thing that makes them distinctly unique and beautiful. That's the beauty of falling in love, and the chance to experience it, is never a waste of time. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/24/2009 4:42:49 AM | | well, here's my take on it..and i agree with most of the other posters..we only have so many hours in a day..and a small portion of that is dispensible for dating.If you are going out, dating or whatever with someone where you know its not going anywhere, then you don't leave time for 'the one' to meet that could be your soulmate.It sounds like for whatever reason, you are not ready for a relationship yet, and in your case, doing what you're doing is fine...however there are 'others' that want to be in a relationship, with all the benefits.Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.You are filling your free time, which both women and men do when there is nothing better, however, if one side wants something more..then you have a problem,disappointment, and the rest.If you are new to an area, and just want to make friends..that is fine too..but once you have filled your 'friend-time' and are ready to get serious about finding a mate that will deminish. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/24/2009 5:27:58 AM | | The summary mechanism model for attraction is proximity -- so being around someone for a lot of time can eventually lead to feeling attracted to them. That's exactly how the most statistically successful types of marriages occur (arranged marriages ). | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/24/2009 5:30:35 AM | I think it depends .. IF you are Both aware of the fact that you are 'just' hanging out as Friends and that it is Not a date .. it's a non issue. BUT - If you are not attracted to someone and you DATE them?? - you are leading that person on. It's not nice to mess with anyones heart.
ie: I have male friends, Friends - who I am not attracted to in a romantic way. We "go out" .. we "hang out" - but we don't "date". There IS a difference. Honesty with self and others is soooo important .. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/24/2009 5:34:05 AM | It's a waste of time for me because I am looking for a relationship with all the romantic trimmings--I am not looking for friends. It seems what you are describing is more of a 'friends' thing--you hang out with people you like but aren't romantically attracted to.
I would NOT want someone to waste MY time going out with me if they knew things were not going to lead to something more--knowing that's what I'm looking for. That's just not fair or right.
Time is limited for most people, with work, kids, other responsibilities.....so the time I do have, I want to spend it wisely.
It's not about someone being physically attractive to me.....if they are a jerk or have totally different views than me, then I already know it's not a good match. So, no, I'm not going to waste my time or theirs. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/24/2009 6:12:05 AM | Is it really better to sit at home and do nothing then to go out and have a nice dinner, have drinks or two and dance the night away?
Well, if you enjoy sitting at home, then no. You can also have a nice dinner, drinks and go dancing without having a chaperone.
Maybe I just like having fun more than most, but I'm always up for a little entertainment.
Me too, that's what my friends, family, aquaintances, ex co-workers and club staff peers are for.
Of course I do find watching TV to be one of the biggest wastes of time anyone could do, and I have a need to always be moving, but really does that way someone else looks affect your ability to enjoy life?
You can be active, stay moving and enjoy life without sitting for hours with strangers you have no attraction to.
If I meet a guy out, it's cause I enjoy the place I am going, and I want to see if I have interest in him. Once I don't have interest in him, it becomes more about the place. I tend to set up meetings as something I do alone and someone joins me for a while, so that could be it.
Hey, I love going to places and meeting people, but I like it better as a bonus, not a plan.
If you're sitting home because you don't have dates, then you need to call your friends/and or get out more without the crutch of needing company. Don't hinge your social life on the schedules of others.
I'll stick to dating someone I actually want to get to know better and have attraction to... | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/24/2009 6:17:26 AM | Why do people think when you say you have to be physically attracted to someone, they have to have "GQ looks!?"
Trust me, as someone who as tried to date someone who they did not find physically attractive at all, you can put yourself in a sticky situation...like when you end the relationship for that very same reason, a common reply is "why did you get with me in the first place?".
If I want to go out, have fun doing activities and great conversation with someone I absolutely do not have physical chemistry with, I'm covered there...I have platonic male/female friends!
When a man wants to date me/have a relationship with me, I want him to find me physically attractive in addition to being attractive to my personality, interests/paradigms...and I deserve the right to feel the same way about him...after all, love IS a 2-way street, right!?!
Imagine if there was a "new rule that stated" it was required for you to try to start a relationship with someone who you felt no attraction and/or had nothing in common with...you had to because someone was interested in you...think of how the world would be? I think all hell would break loose! | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/24/2009 6:22:33 AM | I have seen many posts where people have stated that dating or even spending time with someone that they were not attracted to as a waste of time, and that got me to thinking. I’m my 30 some odd years of dating I have often gone out with females that I found less than attractive, yet that did not stop me from having a good time. I enjoy the art of socializing and dancing, and the looks of a person in no way changes that. Are people that say it's a waste of time really believe that you can only have fun with the hot and beautiful? Is it really better to sit at home and do nothing then to go out and have a nice dinner, have drinks or two and dance the night away? Maybe I just like having fun more than most, but I'm always up for a little entertainment. Of course I do find watching TV to be one of the biggest wastes of time anyone could do, and I have a need to always be moving, but really does that way someone else looks affect your ability to enjoy life?
OP -- I think your vision is a little myopic to say the least.
From the same set of data that you can see, I see that people are more concerned about wasting their time DATING someone they're not attracted to as opposed to simply SPENDING TIME with them. When you spend time with someone and fritter away a day or even a few hours here and there, I don't think people really care how the other person looks or the level of attractiveness, as long as they're enjoying themselves doing whatever. In the dating sense though, this is where people tend to mention not wanting to waste time with those that they don't find attractive.
If someone is cool with dating someone they're not really attracted to, then good on them. I just know I couldn't do it. I don't get intimate with my friends, so the desire for attractiveness is moot...but for a relationship, I need to feel that attraction to them in order for it to be worth my time. If I don't feel that attraction, I know I'm just wasting my time and hers as well. There's no point in that, so I don't bother.
JMO.
ETA:
That's exactly how the most statistically successful types of marriages occur (arranged marriages ).
Um yea...but you glossed over the fact that the REASON that these "successful types of marriages" (arranged) are statistically successful is because of the underlying cultural/religious implication behind and divorce. Some implications even resulting in death. If you removed the cultural/religious overtones and allowed arranged marriages to end as quickly as the Western world has it, then those "successful" marriages wouldn't be considered such anymore. Hardly, in fact. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/24/2009 6:42:23 AM | tropicalknights,
my question is: do these so-called "unattractive" people that you go out with only to have a good time know this up front before they step out with you?
if they do then by all means, have fun and dance the night away but if they don't then it can seem a bit misleading and they can end up hurt and at whose expense?
truth, honesty and intent seem to be the key factors here. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/24/2009 6:55:37 AM | I think it's more the people that have the mindset if it can't ever get to point C, I'm not going to point B. The ones that seem to think they can't respond to e-mails unless they are interested when an e-mail may or may not have had jack to do with the sender being interested. Because these people aren't dating, they are trolling for long-term.
On the other end, if you go out more than once with someon you aren't attracted to, and they are attracted to you, that creates an uncomfortable situation when they wonder why you aren't planting one on them.
he problem is an ethical one in a dating situation. Should you go out with someone who you know you aren't interested in, when they think or hope you are interested in them? I think in that case it would be insincere and hurtful to encourage them. | |
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| Why is going out with someone your not attracted to a waste of time?
Posted: 7/24/2009 6:56:20 AM | | You are absolutely right....going out with someone who doesn't light your fire can still be stimulating, entertaining and it can feel almost like the real deal. I went out with 2 guys like this (obviously not at the same time), and it felt great....until they wanted to get serious. My problem? I knew that if I settled with one of them, I would be craving who else was out there, because they although they were intelligent, made me laugh my socks off (if I wore any!) and were great to be with, the truth was I didn't really fancy them, and to be blunt I didn't really enjoy sex with them because of this. There were other complications which would have made both these relationships no-goers but lack of sexual attraction is a biggie, and it's not something you can just sweep under the carpet, and I feel remorse because I should have known better. In conclusion, this is a good reasonable idea if breaking someone's heart is something you can live with, but if it's not then maybe you should wait for someone who does set your pulses racing. | |
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