| "Mom, am I normal?"
Posted: 7/24/2009 8:03:46 AM | Maybe this will sound like bragging, and maybe I am a little, but I wanted to share this and maybe give some others an opportunity to convey similar experiences cuz kids will come to us with the above question.
My youngest daughter recently turned 18 and will be entering her senior year of high school. (She never failed a grade and is an excellent student but was developmentally delayed and started school late.) She approached me last night cuz she wondered why she isn't boy crazy or interested in dating like her friends.
First, I asked her if she is confused about her sexual identity/orientation. She says she is not. Then I asked if she thinks how she is is a bad thing. She thinks it is a good thing that she has her priorities in order and is more concerned with concentrating on her studies cuz many of her friends' grades have suffered as a result of intense relationships.
I explained to her that I believe her mind set is the result of several influences. First, she was not raised with the xpectation to become a wife and mother as many females of my generation were. I've encouraged my girls to obtain an education and strive to be as self-sufficient as possible cuz not everybody gets or stays married and that's not a 'true goal.' If it happens and that's what she wants, more power to her, but everyone should have a skill/vocation which puts food on the table and a roof over their heads IMO.
Second, I have always spoke openly and honestly with the girls about sex. I've acknowledged that lots of people don't wait until marriage, including myself, while encouraging them to abstain and enumerating the benefits of such a choice (no pregnancies or stds). (But if she follows my advice into adulthood she'll be the first of my daughters to do so.) Sex is not a mystery or tabboo in our house, and I believe that helps to discourage engaging out of curiosity or the forbidden fruit syndrome. Plus she seems to have developed a taste for the fairly sexually explicit literature of a particular few authors.
"Yes, baby girl, you're normal. There's nothing 'wrong' with you. You're just not an average stupid teenager thinking with their genitalia, and you're not the only one." | |
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| Mom, am I normal?
Posted: 7/24/2009 8:45:08 AM | | Has she witnessed you in bad relationships? | |
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| Mom, am I normal?
Posted: 7/24/2009 8:59:26 AM |
Has she witnessed you in bad relationships?
Relevant to the topic how?????
I can remember being a teen and thinking I was different....I think most teens at some point or another think that way. Hormones raging in the teen years, it is not surprising that so many engage in sex even if they don't have intercourse. At least you are trying to instill in them a sense of sexual morality....many parents don't seem to think they can past their own embarassment to have those talks. | |
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| Mom, am I normal?
Posted: 7/24/2009 10:34:34 AM |
Has she witnessed you in bad relationships?
I get along well with their father with whom I share joint custody. They were very young and have no recollection of our married life.
Altho my ex-husband was a recovering addict (which the kids knew), they never witnessed his weak moments and believed our marriage to be idyllic so they were quite shocked when I filed for divorce to protect our financial futures. They also understood why I remained committed to him while we lived in separate households. They never objected to the arrangement. They adored their step-father and his death was a tremendous blow to us all.
My current relationship is quite healthy.
So the answer to your question would be no.
My oldest daughter DID witness me in bad relationships. It seems to have resulted in her remaining in bad relationships herself. I believe she doesn't want to be a failure at relationships as she probably perceives me to be. | |
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| Mom, am I normal?
Posted: 7/24/2009 1:17:31 PM | Children Learn What They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
Windroper, I hope you don't feel guilty/responsible for your oldest daughter's choices. We all do the best we can with what we have at the time. I'm sure you stay close with her and are there for her. At the end of childhood, we all have decisions to make as adults. If we are not happy with our life, we can make changes. | |
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| Mom, am I normal?
Posted: 7/24/2009 1:47:06 PM | I adore "Children Learn What They Live"! When I was growing up my pediatrician had it on the walls of his exam rooms.
Thanks for your words of compassion. I don't feel guilty/responsible for her choices, but I do see the role my life decisions and the example I set will play throughout much of her life. And I have respected her enough to admit the mistakes I made and apologize for them since I can't go back in time and change them. I've acknowledged and accepted that she is a grown woman now who can do as she pleases. I've given her my honest advice/opinions in a nonjudgmental way when she asks for my input or calls cuz she needs someone to whom she can vent, reminded her she is the only one who can change what she doesn't like about her life, and assured her I love her no matter what and she always has a place to come to so she never feels hopeless or trapped. In most aspects of her life she has made positive changes and good choices. She's just a loser magnet. | |
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| Mom, am I normal?
Posted: 7/24/2009 1:48:43 PM |
"Yes, baby girl, you're normal. There's nothing 'wrong' with you. You're just not an average stupid teenager thinking with their genitalia, and you're not the only one."
That's a great answer, your daughter is more than normal... she's SMART, in more ways then one! You've raised a good girl WindRoper.
I hope when my daughters 18 she'll come to me with the same problem. | |
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| Mom, am I normal?
Posted: 7/24/2009 1:57:31 PM |
I've acknowledged and accepted that she is a grown woman now who can do as she pleases. I've given her my honest advice/opinions in a nonjudgmental way when she asks for my input or calls cuz she needs someone to whom she can vent, reminded her she is the only one who can change what she doesn't like about her life, and assured her I love her no matter what and she always has a place to come to so she never feels hopeless or trapped.
What a good mom!!!!! | |
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| Mom, am I normal?
Posted: 7/24/2009 2:48:22 PM |
I hope when my daughters 18 she'll come to me with the same problem.
Wouldn't that be great?! And wouldn't it be great if this is the only 'problem' our daughters ever have? It sure would beat the h*** outta this time last year when I found a condom floating in the toilet (before her older sister went off to college). Oy! | |
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| Mom, am I normal?
Posted: 7/24/2009 5:19:46 PM | My kids are still young so I haven't had to answer the "am I normal" or "lets talk about sex" questions yet... I'm dreading that line of discussion...
My relationship with my mom is good. I can talk to her about almost anything... Though my "second" mom and I are very close. I can talk to her about ANYTHING. In the last couple years, if I messed up I could talk to her and she wouldn't judge me where my real mom would. Just a side note... My second mom treats me no different than her 3 boys. I'm family to her and one of her kids. | |
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| Mom, am I normal?
Posted: 7/24/2009 5:57:48 PM |
I adore "Children Learn What They Live"! When I was growing up my pediatrician had it on the walls of his exam rooms.
Me too and I second Itsallin, good dealing with the eldest.
OP, my daughter and I have had convos very similar to yours. She likes boys and she is concerned about relationships because she doesn't want to be the queen of dysfunction but her reasons for rejecting guys are actually more mature and intelligent than many women twice her age, she's 17 and going into her senior year.
She has always been motivated to go to college, to always be able to support herself. To not get pregnant like half her cousins did by the time they were 17 (or fathered a child), and while I had similar convos about sex, i.e. not telling her flat out don't or suggest she wait until marriage, she is both morally determined to wait until marriage and while she knows that idea may change, she refuses to have sex before she is ready to support a child that could result from that activity. I always told her to wait until someone she loves comes along and that she should really want to do it for her as an expression of that love rather than to make a guy happy, etc. Have said the same to my boys and think it is a shame that many people raising boys seem to espouse the boys will be boys rather than teaching them the same morals they would their daughter.
jla1982, great that you have that support system and as a step-parent, I know with me, I feel a lot less responsible for my stepson's choices. Maybe it is easier for me to hear about things and not give him any judgment but that is not to say that he hasn't heard plenty from me too because the kid has been pretty irresponsible and he is now a father of 7 at 30, sigh.
On the talking about sex, what I hope you do because it is what I did and probably the OP also, you should begin talking about these things with your kids long before they need to know the information. I think my daughter was around 8 when I started talking to her about drinking and drugs. She has alcoholics on both sides of the family and many kids are drinking by middle school. Talks about sex were also integrated in there when she or her brothers would ask me questions. That's a much more effective way to deal with it, tell them things over time rather than have "the talk." The mechanics they get in school, the morals, etc. they get from you. Many teens are sexually active as early as 12 or 13 so waiting until then to talk about these things could be too late.
I also have told all three of my kids that I waited until I was 18 but I feel I was still too young, I want them to be sure that it is the right thing psychologically and for the boys, that they do a heck of a lot more than wait to hear a no. I have also made it clear that these are decisions only they can make and I want to make sure they are responsible and healthy in those choices, physically and mentally. There have been times when the kids have asked questions as they got older that I would have rather stuck a needle in my eye than answer but if you aren't open and honest with them, they aren't going to seek your counsel because you lose your credibility. To be honest, I think because they know I am not going to freak out about anything, there is less motivation on their part to push the envelope whether it's sex, drinking or anything else. | |
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| Mom, am I normal?
Posted: 7/24/2009 6:00:47 PM |
To be honest, I think because they know I am not going to freak out about anything, there is less motivation on their part to push the envelope whether it's sex, drinking or anything else.
My son knows this about me as well...perhaps he won't go into the "classic" rebellious years. Only time will tell. | |
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| Mom, am I normal?
Posted: 7/27/2009 10:54:53 AM | jla1982, you are very lucky to have 2 moms you can talk with openly and honestly. I never had that with my mother and I've worked very hard to have a different kind of relationship with my own daughters.
And I'll confess that it isn't always easy. I remember my oldest daughter (who was about 6 at the time) in response to a comment made on TV asking "Mom, what's a period?" I wasn't prepared! I panicked! "It's the dot at the end of a sentence." LOL!
But if you tell your children they can always come to you about anything they only will if you consistently live up to your word. If something they tell you greatly upsets you, admit that you need a moment to digest it. Your pledge doesn't mean that everything always will be rosey and you won't feel the need to lecture them a little or issue some sort of consequence/discipline for certain unacceptable hehaviors (even if they voluntarily confessed). But picking and choosing my battles sure has saved my sanity along with our parent-child relationships.
Package: On the talking about sex, what I hope you do because it is what I did and probably the OP also, you should begin talking about these things with your kids long before they need to know the information.
Package is right. I did. Made for some very interesting conversations during the 1 hour commute to meet the father for visitation. We started with conversations about a female's body 'sort of making a nest for the egg' and what happened to the 'nest' if the egg wasn't fertilized. Sometimes, if these conversations came up at home, their stepfather would just cringe and leave the room/house. "Dad sure spends alotta time in the barn." LOL! | |
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| Mom, am I normal?
Posted: 7/27/2009 7:15:19 PM | So OP.. :-) Is your Daughter on POF?
j/k
Would be the proudest day of my life to see my 18 yr old have good priorities. I do not really care is she decided to have sex or not, as long as she is safe and keeps her head straight. | |
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| Mom, am I normal?
Posted: 7/27/2009 7:16:26 PM | | and OP, tell your kid she is indeed not normal. and that is a wonderful wonderful thing. Normal is not really anything to be proud of these days. | |
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| Mom, am I normal?
Posted: 7/27/2009 7:38:34 PM | she's not normal.
if i guessed i'd say she were above average near gifted as an intellectual.
but all in all she seems like a pretty cool down to earth individual.
as for her interests. AND YOURS mwahahahahaaha
(yeah i can read between the lines buddy. lol)
i suggest literotica dot com
it's a very cool site and i love to read through it too.
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