| | At what point would you want to know?Page 1 of 1 | I've struggled with the answer to this question for years. When to share with him my relationship desires.
My preference is to be involved in a relationship which, for some, is not as socially acceptable. That being a Dominant/Submissive relationship. Other terms being used are Taken in Hand, Head of Household, Domestic Discipline, etc.
This thread is not to debate whether such a lifestyle is appropriate or to dispel the misconceptions, rather to determine the right time to share this desire with him, especially if there is no clear indication that he may share the same penchant.
Would you rather know within the first couple of dates before any real emotions develop? Or would it be better to learn more about her first? In that way, you have a better understanding of her and desires within a relationship. You can see that she is quite rational in her beliefs and that she is able to articulate exactly why such a union would be beneficial to both of you.
Your insight would be of great value to me.
Thank you. | |
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| At what point would you want to know?
Posted: 7/25/2009 4:53:56 AM | | I would rather know up front that someone that I would potentially be dating was looking for such a relationship. That way I'm not blindsided by it later on. | |
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| At what point would you want to know?
Posted: 7/25/2009 4:57:05 AM | OP,
You asked a questin and then you made a statement. The fact you did both was very telling. The question was simple, "when should you tell a guy you prefer a certain kind of lifestyle?" I'll answer that in a minute. Your statement starts with the words " "You can see... and ends with "beneficial to both of you". Thats a belief, yours, and not necessarily true for others. And I am ALWAYS very suspect when anyone assumes that something would be beneficial simply because they might be able to atriculate it.
So is your question... when do you tell him? or How do you get him to agree with your assumption?
The first question is simple....tell him early. Maybe not on the first date but early. You might have an open discussion about the types of relationships around that you see and how each can be enjoyed by people who share common beliefs about them. That would help him to share his beliefs and you could yours (trying not to preach!)
He might (1) agree and you are off to the races, (2) agree to try something different to see if he likes it...always fun if done with the freedom to say no later, or (3) just tell you in a nice way that it isn't his thing.
If you allow him the freedom to think about it rather than assuming anything you stand a chance of finding a greater acceptance for your ideas. If you approach it as though "its right for me and therefor beneficial for all" then opening a church would be a better bet.
So look in the mirror and decide what you really want. Is it the freedom to ask a question or the guarantee of acceptance? Guys know the difference in a heartbeat. | |
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| At what point would you want to know?
Posted: 7/25/2009 5:45:05 AM | I would want to know immediately.
I view the women in my life as equals, and would have a problem if expected to be domineering or submissive *outside* of the bedroom.
Martin | |
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koldad
| | Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 5 | |
| At what point would you want to know?
Posted: 7/25/2009 6:53:45 AM | My question is more to you, wouldn't you want to know that they wanted or were interested in this lifestyle before you even dated them? As for the lifestyle being acceptable, I think you would be surprised how many people are involved in some type of this lifestyle.
As for your question I think you should put it on your profile, that way both of you start off on the right step. If not you may get someone that knows nothing about it and will be willing to try it which can be a very dangerous game to play if they don't know what they are doing. you may also want to try a couple other web sites to find what you are looking for, there are two that come to mind that are entirely for your lifestyle choice. Email me if you want to know them. | |
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| At what point would you want to know?
Posted: 7/25/2009 7:20:22 AM | | You should make that clear up front. If you wouldn't give up your preferences for someone else, then you shouldn't imagine some else will give up his preferences for you. If you don't let someone know up front, you're only asking for incompatibility. | |
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| At what point would you want to know?
Posted: 7/25/2009 7:29:22 AM | U could feel them out to see whether they show natural submissive or dominant traits and then coax them into the feeling sexually  GL | |
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| At what point would you want to know?
Posted: 7/25/2009 7:43:16 AM | How soon would you want to know that they ARE NOT into your lifestyle? Maybe that is a better question.
I personally would want to know right away. I don't want to invest time or energy or even a meet men that want something completely different than what I am seeking.
If a married man approached me for "other relationship" I would want to know before I even started talking to him that he was married. What's the difference in your situation?
I think if you want something that is expressly very different from the norm here you should put it in your profile. I wouldn't want to go on five dates before I find out the only way the guy can have real fulfilling intimacy is to tie me up with a dog collar. That would be something I would say "NO" to before I even answered his first email. | |
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| At what point would you want to know?
Posted: 7/25/2009 7:51:33 AM | | yea but for a girl getting a guy to do it is completely different. Remember she hasn't even said which she is, a dom or sub, she could very well want the dog collar on her in which case I know about 80% of guys are gonna say OKAY! O_O | |
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| At what point would you want to know?
Posted: 7/25/2009 8:23:18 AM | | I'd rather know as soon as possible. That doesnt mean you should rush to blurt it out on our first date... but in most cases I've experienced, after 2 or 3 dates, you'll usually have had enough conversation/interaction/observation to know how a person approaches relationships. | |
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koldad
| | Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 11 | |
| At what point would you want to know?
Posted: 7/25/2009 9:46:08 AM |
yea but for a girl getting a guy to do it is completely different. Remember she hasn't even said which she is, a dom or sub, she could very well want the dog collar on her in which case I know about 80% of guys are gonna say OKAY! O_O
saying yes and knowing what to do or having the capability to control the power they are being given are way different. Playing around in a D/s relationship has many big risks both physically and emotionally.
If i were you i would seek out those that show a desire to learn slowly or one that has experience. Test the waters and test them often to make sure they know what they are getting into. | |
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| At what point would you want to know?
Posted: 7/25/2009 9:50:49 AM |
yea but for a girl getting a guy to do it is completely different. Remember she hasn't even said which she is, a dom or sub, she could very well want the dog collar on her in which case I know about 80% of guys are gonna say OKAY! O_O
I was thinking the same thing: she didn't say whether she was the dom or the sub or is she the switch?
But as others have said: let your intentions or "ideas" be known as soon as it is appropriate. In other words, if it is the first date and there's nothing happening, then who cares? But if you two hit it off and start talking about seeing each other again, and again and again? Then discuss your ideas with him asap.
BTW: there are sites dedicated to alternative lifestyles, maybe you should be looking there instead of more mainstream vanilla places like POF, the church social, or a bible study group lol | |
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| At what point would you want to know?
Posted: 7/25/2009 10:08:51 AM | | Put it in your profile. It is obviously important to any relationship you get into, if you bring this up on a date later it's just gonna scare the guy if he has never done it. If you are willing to teach someone put that in there as well so you don't scare off people who have never tried it but would be willing. Sexual compatibility is just as important as mental and physical compatibility. | |
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| At what point would you want to know?
Posted: 7/25/2009 10:10:51 AM | | As the person above suggested, if it's important to you put it in your profile. But I'd also emphasize that you are looking for a relationship. Some people will read kink in a profile and decide that it also means promiscuity. | |
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| At what point would you want to know?
Posted: 7/25/2009 11:11:41 AM |
Would you rather know within the first couple of dates before any real emotions develop?
I don't think it would matter much.
As it would come out with your personality, wouldn't it?
I doubt you are individualistic and completely neutral every day during dating, then extremely submissive or dominant once the ring or commitment come out.
If you are then the whole Dom/Sub thing is an adopted act to avoid responsibility, or to use people, rather than a lifestyle. And that will be communicated in far more ways than making known your desired relationship type.
If not then it doesn't matter, because I am going to already know it about you within the first few dates. As if it's a true lifestyle, then that's the way you live your life, in ways you no longer see...So if I am naturally interested/inclined towards a Dom/Sub relationship, then I'm going to naturally respond better to someone that is my opposite. If I am not, then I'm not going to naturally respond positively to your personality.
But then again I may be completely uninformed and frankly retarded on the subject.
Because it seems to me it is akin to asking "would you rather know, within the first couple of dates and before any real emotions develop, if I'm a happy and naturally gregarious person?"
Or would it be better to learn more about her first?
IMO it's always best to learn about someone before forcing in parameters of a relationship.
At what point would you want to know?
At the point I am getting frustrated because she seems like Sybil and it's my own stupidity and lack of paying attention that forces her to plainly make clear that which I've been missing the entire time, and it's obvious to her that I am missing it.
But by then we'd probably both be frustrated with the other and have gone our separate ways. | |
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| At what point would you want to know?
Posted: 7/25/2009 11:27:53 AM |
I would rather know up front that someone that I would potentially be dating was looking for such a relationship. That way I'm not blindsided by it later on.
My thoughts exactly. | |
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| At what point would you want to know?
Posted: 7/25/2009 1:49:50 PM | my thoughts on this thread/question are this...myself being of similar persuasion as the O.P....and having been around other people who are into this
.. i would to bring up the idea as soon as you feel comfortable doing so...id temper it by mentioning the whole BDSM thing first
...if he runs at that you didnt waste much time...if he just grins...elaborate
if you can..get him to discuss what he knows and thinks about the lifestyle...safer for you if you can tell ahead of time that he's just an abusive ***hole..or if he's seeking a doormat with breasts
O.P....my guess is you are/want to be the sub in a relationship...i say this because the Domme's i knew would not hessitate to say EXACTLY what is on thier minds to anyone
if im correct...please take care...its very easy for a sub girl to fall into a bad relationship...wait for the right guy and remember...power flows up from the bottom in a bdsm relationship...it takes a lot of strength to be a sub
very best of luck out there ...and please be safe and be well and play S.S.C | |
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| At what point would you want to know?
Posted: 7/25/2009 1:52:36 PM | I would want to know on the second date, so I would be able to put you over my knee and spank you for not telling me it on the first date.
Then I would marry you | |
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| At what point would you want to know?
Posted: 7/25/2009 2:40:50 PM | Are you looking to be the Dom or the Sub.
There must be forums that cater to this sort of lifestye, or maybe just put the idea on your profile, then there are no surprises..... | |
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