| This seems to have crept up on me
Posted: 7/26/2009 10:47:11 AM | A situation which has been hovering in the background has suddenly developed into something awkward. There is a friend who I see fairly regularly at a social (someone I like but don't know that well). He's about 8 years older than me, very interesting to talk to, extrovert and kind. He's always greeted me and been charming, kissing my hand and so on. I think he does this to others too, so I have just taken it as part of his extrovert nature. He asked me to join him at an event but I declined. I would have liked the event and his company, but I don't want a romance with him and didn't want to give that impression. I just don't feel that way about him and the age gap is too much for me.
Recently, he went to the social thing and said he'd had car trouble. He'd walked miles to get there and isn't a well man. Knowing I had a car and space, I offered him a lift home. I was being kind and concerned about him. I think this was a mistake and he may have taken it the wrong way. He started putting his arm round me every so often. Anyway, as it turns out, a situation with a woman he knew cropped up which meant that he and a friend ended up having to take her home. The (male) friend would drop my friend off home after. I didn't need to give him a lift. I could tell he was none too happy with this. As he left though, he said he 'was going to claim a kiss' later. He was semi-joking but I knew he meant it. So now I'm worried. I don't want to hurt this man, don't want to have to reject him and I'm not looking forward to telling him. I do like him and want to spend time with him as a friend, but definitely not romantic. Can you give me any advice? What do I do? I've been friendly with him but I don't think I've deliberately given him the idea I want more. I don't want a romantic relationship but I don't want to seem mean either. As far as I can see, even a brief friendly kiss is going to get me into even more of a mess. | |
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| This seems to have crept up on me
Posted: 7/26/2009 10:55:06 AM |
I don't want a romantic relationship but I don't want to seem mean either.
You can't do both.
Just remind him that you have absolutely *no* romantic interest since you just are not into him in that way. However, you would like to just keep a friendship - and that doesn't mean friends with benefits.
If you don't keep hammering it, he'll probably continue. | |
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| This seems to have crept up on me
Posted: 7/26/2009 11:22:06 AM | exactly what was said above. Dont let this go on without telling him. The longer you wait the harder it will be on him.
None of this is your fault as long as you dont let it go on further. You now kind of have a good idea his intentions are not for friends only. So now its your responsibility to let him know how you feel.
Dont wait and use tact and compassion if possible. | |
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| This seems to have crept up on me
Posted: 7/26/2009 12:13:36 PM | 
Right on, and do it as soon as possible. I had a situation (reverse gender) similar to yours. I waited a tad too long, contemplating on how to handle the situation. She took it as a sign -- complacency equals agreement for folks like this. If you don't handle it soon, it might get ugly, as it did in my case.
edit: And, for heaven's sake, don't be friends with him. You can have professional/cordial contact with him, in public, with others around, without it being in the territory of "friendship." "Friendship" to some types like this means, "you still have a chance, go for it!"
Good luck with all that. | |
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| This seems to have crept up on me
Posted: 7/26/2009 12:18:05 PM | | handle it quickly. Be blunt and let him know that there isn't anyway your mind is going to change. If there is a chance he will hold on to it. If he puts his arm around you ask him to more it. Let him know it makes you uncomfortable. | |
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| This seems to have crept up on me
Posted: 7/26/2009 12:43:56 PM | | Being honest with him is certainly the best way to go, as long you exercise tact and caring. You might, however, want to review your own thoughts. The only "concrete" reasonyou mention for lack of interest in him is that he's too old for you, in being 8 years older. You're 51. That makes him 59. That's far from an unreasonable gap. If his age is all that really holds you back, think things over again, just in case. | |
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| This seems to have crept up on me
Posted: 7/26/2009 1:10:09 PM | Once again simplicity is the answer. Call him NOW, talk with him. Tell him what you want out of the relationship...do you want to be friends with this person? If so tell him that, and tell him you want NOTHING more.
It is so simple, why make it difficult???? Make it perfectly clear you are not, and will not ever be interested him in a sensual way. Communication is key. If he takes it well that is a good friend, if he takes it like a typical guy and gets pissy dismiss his ass. | |
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| This seems to have crept up on me
Posted: 7/26/2009 1:49:10 PM | | Perhaps you should brush up on your teasing skills and play with his heart a little bit. But do it in a fun, adult way so as not to hurt him too badly when you reject him. | |
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| This seems to have crept up on me
Posted: 7/26/2009 1:55:47 PM | Admitedly said without all the details, but the guy seems a little creepy to me from your description.
Extroverted and kind doesn't always = genuine. Sometimes it equals perv. | |
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| This seems to have crept up on me
Posted: 7/26/2009 1:58:10 PM | Don't ever assume you can keep a guy around as just a friend. It never works out that way. Have you never been on the receiving end of such a friendship? It's no fun for either person. Unless one party is homosexual, a man and a woman cannot spent regular time together on the grounds of simply being in each other's company without romantic feelings coming up in one or the other.
You have to level with him as soon as possible lest you deepen the mess. | |
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| This seems to have crept up on me
Posted: 7/26/2009 2:05:40 PM | Send him on his way. Do not be selfish and keep him in the friendship zone for your own needs. The sooner this guy knows he has no chance and he would only be the guy for you when the guys drilling you have no time for you is the best thing for him. If you try to be friends with him, every little thing you do, he will read something into, some of which you will do intentionaly to keep him around and then complain how he is getting the wrong message when he takes a chance, and other things will be unintentional. The best thing is to let him be free of the hope of you.
Edit.
PS. If you are going to post in the forums remove some of your restrictions. We like to read the profile sometimes to get a better read on the poster. | |
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| This seems to have crept up on me
Posted: 7/26/2009 2:24:22 PM | | He is already over the line and its time for to just take the upper road. Tell him you woud entertain a friendhip but you have no interest in dating him romantically. Tell him that you would prefer he did not flirt as it gives others the wrong idea. Regulate your own behavior so you are never alone with him. He will either "get it" and become a friend or "not" and go away. Either way you have taken the high road, been honest, who could ask for more. | |
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| This seems to have crept up on me
Posted: 7/26/2009 3:59:35 PM | | try being honest with him and if he cant handle it then thats his issue not yours...Being honest is the only way and if he truley is a friend he will respect you for that.. | |
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| This seems to have crept up on me
Posted: 7/26/2009 4:05:48 PM |
Admitedly said without all the details, but the guy seems a little creepy to me from your description.
I am in total agreement. It may be innocent but I would err on the side of caution. I would make your feelings clear - NOW! In this case, I would even consider sacrificing the friendship. It may sound harsh but better safe than sorry. | |
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| This seems to have crept up on me
Posted: 7/27/2009 10:25:14 AM | Well, something about the guy is bothering you. So, just be upfront with him and tell him that you are not interested romantically in him. Might hurt his ego a bit, but better not to lead him on, especially if you see him in social situations. Friendships between the sexes can get sticky if one person wants more (which he appears to). Why put yourself and him in an uncomfortable position by not stating your true intentions? (Of which you have none, lol.)
He's a big boy, and you are not responsible for his feelings. Just try to be kind.
My humble opinion. | |
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| This seems to have crept up on me
Posted: 7/27/2009 11:17:17 AM |
I do like him and want to spend time with him as a friend, but definitely not romantic. Can you give me any advice? What do I do?
Frankly, I don't see the problem. You simply tell him exactly what you wrote here - short, sweet, and to the point. Tell him that you value his friendship too much to risk losing it by taking the "relationship" to the next level (which is probably true, right?). If he can't handle that, then that's his issue, not yours. | |
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| This seems to have crept up on me
Posted: 7/27/2009 11:21:00 AM | Next time you see him say to him when you are alone with him while looking him directly in the eyes, "I don't want a romantic relationship".
Say it as often as necessary until he finally accepts it. | |
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| This seems to have crept up on me
Posted: 7/27/2009 12:51:16 PM | My advice is that you should get into writing novels.
My gosh I still am wondering what the point of your story is. | |
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| This seems to have crept up on me
Posted: 7/27/2009 3:10:24 PM | Wait...what? You're 51, he's 59, and you're blaming the age gap?
Stop being selfish and leading him on for the attention. He CANNOT be friends with you...tell him you are not sexually interested in him and let him find someone who will treat him well...as you are not. | |
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