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| Always "on"?
Posted: 7/26/2009 5:49:19 PM | Evening fellow POFers...gotta question for you (yes I did a search but couldn't find anything).
What do you do when the person you're dating seems to always be "on"? You know, always doing SOMETHING to attract everyone's attention? How do you cope with someone who believes that they always have to entertain everyone around them--complete strangers or not?
Example...met my guy last night and almost left because he was "on", and wouldn't turn it down or off. He kept telling jokes to the waitress, asking her all sorts of personal things (she was nice enough to answer), and the "best" part was putting his empty glass on his head (to see how long he could balance it) so others could see him do it. Sure, people turned and looked and commented but they then looked at me like what the heck? My look was one of resignation--having gone through the "performance" several times before, I felt like he completely ignored my request to stop. No he did ignore it, and that made me feel like he didn't respect ME at all.
This isn't a one-time deal...it happens almost ALL of the time we're out somewhere, and even if we're home alone! He's either trying to tell jokes, recite a poem (I kid you not), sing...something that will get him attention. I've asked him why does he feel the need to "entertain" others--if we're on a date, isn't that enough? His response was that he does it to entertain me. And I said that I didn't want to date a circus performer, why can't he just turn it off or dial it down? It's especially odd when we're alone--if we're sitting and watching TV, why is there a need to "entertain me?"
I'm not a fuddy duddy by any means and love a good laugh. BUT...when you're out with someone, does it matter if everyone else is noticing you? Last night was almost too much. He spent almost the entire evening doing SOMETHING! I would ask him to stop, and he'd say ok but one more. He thought I was embarrassed--no--he's not making a fool of himself. But I said that I didn't understand why he had to invite others into our date and evening!
I asked my mother--she said that maybe he feels that he's got to do/be more because he's much older (I'm 45, he's 63) than I am--she said maybe he feels insecure. I've done everything I can think of to reassure him that I like him for who he is and he doesn't have to keep me entertained. I always tell him that I'm interested and want to be with him--which is true. He's smart, funny (when he's just being himself), and we have a lot in common...
But how can you get someone to understand that being with a performer all of the time is exhausting?! Instead of feeling entertained when he bombards the waitress with questions right in the middle of us having a conversation, I feel like I'm interrupting his "schtick."
How do you turn someone "off"? Or can you? | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 5:53:21 PM | Get him to go to an open mike night, he may get his fill. 
Don't know that you can do anything, hon just sounds like he has a high need for attention. Other than slipping a little Valium in his Pepsi (just JOKING) if that's how he is, that's just how he is. You could try ignoring him but doubt that'd work.  | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 5:57:55 PM |
How do you turn someone "off"? Or can you?
Sounds to me like he's just Very gregarious .. outgoing .. whatever .. and perhaps "needs" attention .. again - whatever.
It is "Who" he Is. I am one of those who believes that people are who they are and they are entitled to be themselves. I have no right to change or try to change Anyone but my own self. If I am with someone whose behaviour is 'not to my liking' or outside my comfort zone .. I don't have any right to try to change Them. I have choices - I can either choose to Accept them "As they are" .. or I can get over myself, loosen up, lighten up and accept that a little silliness is harmless.
Otherwise .. I'd cut this one loose OP - If you feel this strongly about his behaviour .. it's new and 'obviously' he's not for you .. so cut him loose and let him find a woman who'll let his spirit soar..
JMHO | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 5:59:13 PM | | Attention attention attention, Maybe he is try to tell you something that he do not know how to said to you and he do not want to hurt you. | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 6:00:42 PM | Its his personality OP, you can't change that.
If you don't like it, move on. | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 6:03:31 PM | He's probably been a bit of an exhibitionist all his life and I doubt you're going to change him at 63. People like that often find themselves hugely amusing and can't imagine that others don't too.
I would find that sort of behaviour unacceptable, but I guess you have to weigh up the pros and cons and decide if you're prepared to put up with it!
Good luck | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 6:07:28 PM | A.S.is...
You know you rock right? Believe me when I say I've gone through all of this in my head and tried to figure out something. Last night was the first time I actually felt like I wanted to say something. I was at the "Bill Show" for 2 hours straight. He said "well most people find him to be a "cut up"--and I said yes you are...but "cutting up" all of the time has to be exhausting? He did admit that it was. Walking through a store and a perfume test asks if you want to test something doesn't require a "sure, but you have to listen to my jokes" type of thing does it? Isn't that usually a simple yes or no thing? For him...that's what it became. He had the woman get her coworkers together and told "gags"...just out of the blue.
Buscgirl...lol @ Valium. You're too funny sister.
The funny (ironic, not haha) thing is that when he approached me originally, he was not like that. And he's not always like that but I guess I just don't see the reason for constantly trying to entertain your date.
Change him? No--definitely not. But is asking someone to sometimes just be on a date with you, and you alone, enjoying your company and letting everyone else in the background stay in the background...is that really asking him to change? | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 6:10:11 PM | AFL - boy do I know this one, from dating guys with outgoing personalities to dating a comedian and a few guys in the entertainment industry....it does get old. I have an ex who was the youngest of 9 children. For us to do anything without a group of people was foreign to him - he hated to be in his car alone. He just wasn't used to that much solitude.
I always figured they felt they weren't worthy unless they were constantly trying to make someone laugh, entertain, whatever - part of it is they may be convinced that people just won't like who they are sans the tricks and jokes. Some people can't sit and blend in a room...for some reason it bothers them. I work in a public business too, but when my job's done I like to blend and go unnoticed at my convenience.
Some people have deafening silence when they just sit with their thoughts, and they can't manage it. A lot of people in the field I work in use jokes and that superficial social attitude to cope with whatever issues they have, which is what lead them to their careers to begin with...looking for acceptance.
I hate to say it, but at this point in his life - it may be too ingrained to get to the bottom of, and he may not want you to, or want to deal with himself any other way. | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 6:11:18 PM | | that is his personality....accept it or move on | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 6:11:32 PM | Ohhhhhh my girl friend I have a 13 yr old son A LOT like that... ADD... His half brother from dad has full on ADHD, which sounds like your guy.
For some of these people as kids it got them unending attention and laughs, and they just keep it up into adulthood, because they LOVE the attention. and seem totally clueless to the fact that other people are bored, and annoyed with there unending attention seeking.
Ignoring them NEVER works, because they just get louder.
What I learned is to JOIN them... Now you are probably like me, where you are completely happy if the only thing a person notices is your hair, dress, or cute dog you hope hurries up and grows so people will stop stopping you, to tell you how cute the dog is..
I don't know what gets you wired and loose, but the next time you plan on a dinner and home movie, get yourself wired, and I mean to the max, where you are cracking yourself up. Get jokes, and little diddies, as well as small songs to sing... During the movie find NON stop ways to narrate, laugh so loud the TV can't be heard, tell a couple wompers that you saved during an intense part...
He probably will NOT be amused... Hopefully what ever you choose to wire yourself up with, will have burned off, then say, this is how you are hun, and I love, Ohhhh I so love you, but when it is nonstop it is exhausting...
I have done this with my son, so he knows that he doesn't have to entertain 24/7 which IS his personality... I certainly don't want to make him feel his is being stunted, but I want him to know there is a time to tone it down, because our house is not 24/7 comedy central...
I do have to say at 63, it may take a couple times, long time to have been an unending comedian.
Good luck.... | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 6:13:38 PM | | You can't change him - he is who he is...sounds like someone who should have gone into the entertainment business. What does he do for a living? | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 6:17:53 PM | | I couldn't deal with it. I love the down times with my boyfriend, where no one is talking and we just are. Period. | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 6:26:21 PM | OP, in other words, you're a boring, anti-social, stick in the mud, and you want him to be like you, rather than accept that he is extroverted, funny, and makes people happy around him?
If you don't like who and how he is, then you should move on, rather than want him to change. | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 6:32:26 PM | afashionlady....if it wasn't for his age, I'd think you were dating my ex!!
Funny part is, I was the waitress he was talking to and telling jokes to when I met him. I thought they were just for me! Nope, it never changed...every waitress or waiter, in every restaurant, in every town...well you get the idea! No matter where we went, or what the social situation, he was always "on". It never changed in twenty five years.
Even when I tried to explain to him that as a waitress, when a guy is with a woman and hits on you, all you think is "scumbag".
I believe, and I know with my ex, it's not a need for attention. It is a deep feeling of insecurity. (Confirmed by psychologicals during our divorce.) They just want so desperately for people to like them that they can't help themselves. The sad part is that it usually backfires big time. If they could just relax and be themselves they would be just fine. Unfortunately, they just can't.
He won't change...guaranteed. And if it bothers you now, it will bother you even more as time goes on. (Valium will be the least you will consider!!) | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 6:47:37 PM | Fashion Lady, I dont think you can get him to turn off, at least easily. People like that, in my experience, are looking for validation, to show they can contribute, even if it is on a superficial level. For me there is a time and a place for everything, and lines can be crossed. In a way he is "flirting" with these other people, looking for their adoration and attention as in "Oh, hey....how did you do that, that's really cute....so would either of you like coffee, or should I just bring the check?" Waitresses are working for tips....but he likely forgets that.
Does he ever just talk sweetly, intimately or intensely on any type of serious matter? I wouldnt mind someone trying to be entertaining, but if they could never take a moment to be serious when it mattered, that would be a problem for me.
Maybe you can teach an old dog new tricks, but as long as he is getting positive responses from whatever audience he commands, I doubt you will get him to "roll over" or "play dead". | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 6:53:22 PM | Sounds like its his personality, or maybe he's insecure and needs constant attention. That can get annoying after awhile.
I like a guy with a good sense of humor, but I also like a guy who knows when to "dial it down" a little bit. Looking for attention ALL the time is just obnoxious and annoying, and screams insecure. | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 7:18:00 PM | Hun-I"m sorry this happened to you. I'm really not sure how I'd have coped with it. Lately I'm working so damn much that if my guy were to behave this way while we were having dinner out together? Woooheeee I'd probably kick his ass to the curb and walk home I'd be so hot under my collar.
It sounds a bit...ADHD to me. Like he was all jacked up.
Hopefully it's nothing chemically induced and he was just having a "mad" moment.
But to always be with a Diva Dude? I don't think I could cope. Everyone needs some down time. Some me time. Some being alone and quiet time for just you two. | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 7:35:31 PM | | So...you expect him to change. Or Is this new behaviour from him? | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 7:37:00 PM | | Have you tried having a heart to heart about how his acting 'on' in public makes you feel? | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 7:40:27 PM | Okay, I get him being an outgoing person that loves to laugh. However, him asking personal questions to the waitress while you are on your first date. Is just rude in my opinion. I would of walked out if I was you. A first date would be a time to get to know each other in my opinion.
Even if I was going to act up like Im the life of the party. The last thing I would do is start conversations with other men in the room. Another poster touched on the fact that he might have been trying to get someone else attention. You do not know him good enough to know that is how he acts all the time.
I would throw this 1 back or say let's be friends!
Edit: You said this was not a first date. Well, than I dont know what to tell you. You cant change someone, I have to agree with the other posters. You probably will have to consider accepting him for who he is or move on. | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 7:40:37 PM |
warmhanded--So...you expect him to change. Or Is this new behaviour from him?
Here's the thing, OP. You do not get to complain if you choose to get involved with someone, who is basically the same from the beginning. You can't baitch, if he won't change. He is who and how he is, so accept that, or go away.
A man is not "fixer uppers", just hoping a woman will come along and try to "fix" him. When the carping, nagging, and complaining starts about things she knew from the beginning, a man should throw her sorry ass out and tell her to go away. | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 7:43:45 PM | | I'm sure I read somewhere that Jim Carey's ex-wife said about their divorce that he was 'Jim Carey' all the time. ALL the time. It never turns off. She tired of it. I feel your frustration! Fun is fun and has it's place, but also having a serious side is important enough for me that I look for it first. Rapid-fire-snappy-one-liner personalities wear on me quickly. | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 7:50:20 PM | WIP...yes!!! We had that conversation...
<div class="quote">I work in a public business too, but when my job's done I like to blend and go unnoticed at my convenience.
I work in a public forum at both my f/t AND p/t jobs...and you can be "on" there but when it's time to get off, I tone it down. Not just for anyone else's benefit...but for mine. I'm still me, just not the "gotta make everyone happy just cause" me. I don't feel the need to put on a show.
<div class="quote">Attention attention attention, Maybe he is try to tell you something that he do not know how to said to you and he do not want to hurt you.
Busa...like what? If you mean that I'm boring...lol..you and Renaissance Man couldn't be further from the truth. He tells me that he loves the "who" that I am...and I don't doubt that he does.
<div class="quote">I don't know what gets you wired and loose, but the next time you plan on a dinner and home movie, get yourself wired, and I mean to the max, where you are cracking yourself up. Get jokes, and little diddies, as well as small songs to sing... During the movie find NON stop ways to narrate, laugh so loud the TV can't be heard, tell a couple wompers that you saved during an intense part...
He probably will NOT be amused... Hopefully what ever you choose to wire yourself up with, will have burned off, then say, this is how you are hun, and I love, Ohhhh I so love you, but when it is nonstop it is exhausting...
Nexthyme...lol. OK now that's funny as hell. That could be funny to do...and maybe you're right...he might wonder what the heck is wrong with me. I'm chuckling at the image that brings to mind with your son.
Veronique (I LOVE that name btw), he used to be a stock broker and now sells real estate. Well watches as the RE market tumbles. We talked about him being bored and frustrated, and I even suggested that he take his "show" on the road and consider volunteering at places to sing (he plays the banjo as well), tell jokes...what have you. I think it would be great--not just for him as another outlet for this, but as a way to make others happy. I am very encouraging about this--I truly believe that if he had a real outlet for his performance, maybe it would make him happy.
<div class="quote">OP, in other words, you're a boring, anti-social, stick in the mud, and you want him to be like you, rather than accept that he is extroverted, funny, and makes people happy around him?
Renman I'm laughing cause you're funny. I've been around the fora for a bit and I know that you know better than that. Boring, anti-social, and stick in the mud? LOL--if only. I LOVE to laugh and always have. What you might not get, and it's my fault, is that I LOVE it when he makes me laugh--but he doesn't have to try so hard to "be funny." Tell me you wouldn't wonder what's wrong if a woman you were dating was always trying to make someone laugh, always wanting attention from others...wouldn't you want a date where it was just you and your lady, without an audience? I'm very extroverted and make others laugh too...but I don't feel that it's a *need* to do that. Does that make sense? It's almost as if, and WIP articulated it very well for me, that he just *has to have someone knowing he's there*--no matter who it is.
<div class="quote">Funny part is, I was the waitress he was talking to and telling jokes to when I met him. I thought they were just for me! Nope, it never changed...every waitress or waiter, in every restaurant, in every town...well you get the idea! No matter where we went, or what the social situation, he was always "on". If they could just relax and be themselves they would be just fine. Unfortunately, they just can't.
Bernta...wow. I am sorry--I know that had to be rough. And yes...that's exactly what he does. I think I know what you mean...when he IS relaxed, he is still funny...it just is "less". If that makes sense.
<div class="quote">Does he ever just talk sweetly, intimately or intensely on any type of serious matter?
*Golfgirl*...yes he does. He can be very serious and we have discussions about a lot of things--politics, the world in general, the funny (and not so funny) differences between men and women...so yes. And I love when he's intense about things (politics..meh...we're in 2 different worlds on that).
<div class="quote">Hopefully it's nothing chemically induced and he was just having a "mad" moment.
~Gonesailing~...if only. He has a lot of "mad" moments. Last night was the first time I actually said something about it. One thing that we do fairly well is communicate (for you fishies who'll say "why don't you say something to him", well that's the basis of the thread...lol). We spent part of the time last night talking about this issue--me trying to understand (and saying just that) the whys and him explaining it. I'm still confused...hence the thread.
<div class="quote">But to always be with a Diva Dude?
LOL...OMG sister that is funny.
I appreciate all the feedback--even the "dump him" folks, cause yeah sometimes you're right. If it does get to be too overbearing...you're right. I will say that I don't want to "change" him--asking him to dial down the "gags" and "cutup" behavior isn't asking him to "change"--my *idea* of asking someone to change would be saying "stop doing that altogether" so I guess that's why I don't see this as a "change request"--the fundamental "who" he is.
But this...
<div class="quote">Everyone needs some down time. Some me time. Some being alone and quiet time for just you two.
That's what I'm asking for. Not always, not every time...but *sometimes*.
AFL
EDIT...
warmhanded...
So...you expect him to change. Or Is this new behaviour from him?
Please read the above. I think I made it clearer...
[quoteHowever, him asking personal questions to the waitress while you are on your first date. Is just rude in my opinion.
NJbubble...no...we've been dating for about 2 months now. The first date--nope, he didn't do that at all.
A man is not "fixer uppers", just hoping a woman will come along and try to "fix" him. When the carping, nagging, and complaining starts about things she knew from the beginning, a man should throw her sorry ass out and tell her to go away.
Renman...wow...who made you mad? Perhaps reading this response might clear things up. I don't do "fixer uppers", and not sure how I went from having one conversation last night for the first time to being a "carping, nagging, complaining biatch"...lol...but okey dokey chief.
I don't think she's saying she wants to change him.....I think she's saying he is only showing one dimension of his personality ALL THE TIME and that really gets annoying.
Countrygirl...yep...that pretty much sums it up sister  | |
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| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 7:50:25 PM |
A man is not "fixer uppers", just hoping a woman will come along and try to "fix" him. When the carping, nagging, and complaining starts about things she knew from the beginning, a man should throw her sorry ass out and tell her to go away.
I don't think she's saying she wants to change him.....I think she's saying he is only showing one dimension of his personality ALL THE TIME and that really gets annoying.
AFL...you have said to him to tone it down, tried to talk to him about it, but it sounds like he is choosing to not listen to you. I suppose you could try once more to talk to him.
Any time I see people like this--constant "entertainers", attention-seekers...I automatically think "low self-esteem".
Best of luck to you. | |
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SPF30
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Joined: 5/23/2009
Msg: 25 | |
| Always on?
Posted: 7/26/2009 7:51:33 PM | | He reminds me of Aunt Bee's boyfriend who came to visit in Mayberry. Even Sheriff Taylor became annoyed and unamused. If he's not your type, don't sweat it. Just let him have his fun without you and exit gracefully. He sounds like a bit of a moron. | |
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