| | Male/Female Friendships QuestionPage 1 of 1 | This is actually a two-parter.
I know that "they" always say that a guy generally only stays friends with a girl if they are attracted to them in some way and I think this is why a lot of women (not me though) get jealous when a guy has a lot of female friends. But does this work in the reverse? Do guys wonder if a girl has a lot of guy friends that she must be attracted to them in some way?
In the same vein, do men view or define friendships differently than women do? As an example, I talk to my female friends several times a week on the phone. If something interesting is going on, we call each other. I have several guy friends who I've known for 5+ years who call me often or talk with me over IM almost every day or at least several times a week. I'm sure that at least one is attracted to me but beyond flirting, they know that nothing is going to happen between us as far as getting into a relationship(for many reasons). However, over the years, I've had situations where it seemed that a guy and I were becoming friends (with no desire on my part to get into a relationship) and yet when I treated them the exact same way I treat my other friends, they all of a sudden they get weirded out and think that I am trying to get with them on a romantic level. Either that or they want the friendship to be on their terms - i.e. they want to be the ones to be in charge of all contact or they decide that only their time is valuable and mine isn't. So is this just a guy thing b/c I rarely have this issue with female friends? | |
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| Male/Female Friendships Question
Posted: 7/26/2009 8:13:08 PM | I can't answer for everyone, but I wonder about a girl who has alot of guy friends (and typically no female friends). I assume she's too naive to believe they'd all sleep with her if she gave them the green light, or she's keeping a bunch of guys near by to fulfill an emotional need. Basically, it's for the self-esteem both/having guys on hand "just in case." There may be exceptions, but this has generally been the rule with every girl I've known like that.
I don't know why catching up on gossip would make your guy friends think you're trying to hook up with them. Did they say that? | |
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Posted: 7/26/2009 8:17:22 PM | They are all different I suppose. I have a guy friend that I work with and we have done some hanging out but we both know it's going nowhere and we have talked and text a lot but the one guy I was very interested in called it off saying friends only, he still called said we would get together then said no we'd want to jump each others bones then said he doesn't hang out with female friends as things would be taken the wrong way and I'd think he was interested me as more than a friend. He stopped calling and texting but had me really confused, while he was calling and texting he was saying friends only but then turned around and said you should know i'm not interested as I'm not calling you am I?
Weird isn't it? Friends mean different things to different people. | |
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Posted: 7/26/2009 8:17:42 PM | O.k., first off, who the h*ll are "they" and why does everyone care about their opinion so much?
I do not know about "guys" in general, but if I see a woman with a lot of male friends and next to no female ones it basically means she's incapable of getting along with women, more or less.
As for that being a guy thing, all I'll state is that is that some of your male friends are basically inconsiderate, not a particularly complicated issue. | |
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| Male/Female Friendships Question
Posted: 7/26/2009 8:58:02 PM | Unless they are gay or you are unattractive, every man who is your friend would sleep with you if given the chance. Some people may say they wouldn't on here to make themselves sound better, but if you are remotely attractive they would.
How do you treat your friends that these guys would think you are taking anything to a romantic level? | |
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Posted: 7/26/2009 9:20:04 PM | Your post pretty much DEFINES why men and women can't be friends if at least one party is physically attracted to the other.
I'm sure that at least one is attracted to me but beyond flirting, they know that nothing is going to happen between us as far as getting into a relationship(for many reasons).
I love how people make these kinds of statements when in reality there is absolutely NO way to back that up. There is no such thing as never. | |
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Posted: 7/26/2009 9:38:36 PM | i have plenty of female friends. a couple of them i'm pretty close to. am i physically attracted to them? sort of, but just because i'd be willing to sleep with any of them doesn't dictate the relationship. I can be great friends with a friend's girlfriend and attracted to them w/out it being an issue.
it doesn't pop up in my head with the "omg i want to bone them so bad" every time we're hanging out. when we're having the "would you with XXX girl" conversation i'm honest though.
remember, ladies, there are three type of women as far as sexual attraction:
1) the type you would sleep with sober
2) the type you would sleep with drunk, and admit to the next day
3) the type you would sleep with drunk, and not admit to.
i don't mean to sound like a pig (though you think i am by now) but i just mean to say that a good friend is a good friend, and unless the guy is 18, he won't let something like unrequited physical attraction/interest ruin a perfectly great friendship | |
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| Male/Female Friendships Question
Posted: 7/26/2009 9:49:58 PM | | Some interesting responses. I appreciate it. I actually tend to have more guy friends - not because I think they want to sleep with me or because they fill an emotional need - but because I feel I have more in common with guys. Examples: None of my female friends like sports or doing fantasy football, or discussing politics, or like the same music that I do. So when I do meet someone who shares interests with me - whether male or female - I tend to end up becoming friends with them. | |
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| Male/Female Friendships Question
Posted: 7/26/2009 9:52:31 PM | Friends... they tell alot abuot who we are. From my experiences in life so far... I believe being able to be friends with the opposite sex is paramount in being able to have a long term relationship... I think for both sexes when you can have real friends of the opposite sex it shows that you, in your life , are mature enough to know the difference between "WTF how does that level of hot exist"... and "Wow, this person could really make my life better in ways I never considered" Girls tend to come to this point in their first mainly cus socially girls are "trained" (so to say) to be more aware of emotions...So they have an eaiser time (generally speaking) drawing this line in the sand.
The big flag for guys and girls alike, is very few friends (like none) of the same sex... It (for the better part) shows that they are/were lacking a bond with the same sex that is key to emotional development and personal security... Or that they have been burned very badly in the past by the same sex so feel there is no reason to put any amount of trust in to the same sex, cus life/experience has taught them there is no point.
The friends of the oppostite sex I have, tend to work more as an extended brother/sister realtionship which I think is perfect cus who the F**K wants to sleep with their sister/brother?
As to the friendship "on their terms" this shows that said guy was attracted to you but got let down (and rightly so, the best thing a girl can do for a guy is not lead him on and vice versa).
If there is anything that you may wanna watch on your part, it's your body language around guys, we do pay attention to it, alot! You could be sending very mixed singals.... which it happens, we can't always watch it, but our body langugae does tend to say what really are thinking.
But I think bottom lines with friends opposite sex or not, be honest if you think there is something that needs to be brought to the forefront, then simply put there is... Friends share thoughts, opinions, feelings, and experience... the only thing I think different when you are a boyfriend/girlfriend is that your exeperience's then become dependant on each other and you both have a right to comment on what the other should or shouldn't do.
Well that's my rant for now, Again, this is just based on what I have seen we all go through things in life differently and there are always expections to rules, but at the end of the day all we can do is follow our gut and see what life brings, hope this helps, if not sorry for wasting a good post space! | |
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| Male/Female Friendships Question
Posted: 7/26/2009 9:54:24 PM | Nakhia - That was the reason for my question. I don't treat them any differently but it seems that some men think that just b/c you want to hang out with them or b/c you call them a couple of times a week, they think that you must want to date them. I don't get it.
Jackal - The reason I say that this one particular friend knows that nothing would ever happen between us is because we did try to be more than friends close to 10 years ago when we lived in the same state and there was just no chemistry sexually. | |
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Posted: 7/26/2009 9:55:04 PM | I've been on the short end of that stick before - the dreaded "friend zone" - which is why I will not be friends with someone I'm interested in / attracted to. I've had my fill of unrequited interest.
So take my history into consideration when I say that I'm very skeptical of male/female friendships between two "available" individuals. If they get "weirded out" then that means they want to be more than friends. Period. Don't torture them - if all you want to be is friends and they're not comfortable with it - do both of you a favor and bid them adieu. | |
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| Male/Female Friendships Question
Posted: 7/26/2009 9:56:50 PM | | Livelike - Your comment about those who have no friends of the same sex is interesting. My ex-BF had virtually ZERO male friends. His only male friend was his gay boss with whom he has been BFFs with for about 10 years. After we broke up, I then realized that it was indeed odd. | |
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| Male/Female Friendships Question
Posted: 7/26/2009 10:15:21 PM | The Female with many male friends thing isn't much of a surprise for me. I have had GF's and Gpals in the past and usually, the GP's have more guy friends around them cause: A. guys are less stressful and more often more laid-back than their female friends. We may all be horndogs but we rarely get into competition with our female friends. I think that woment in groups can be very competitive, similar to how men can be when together in groups. *(I realize how long winded that is, but I like to be clear in my responses.) B. Men, no matter how crude and awkward we may be sometimes are (almost) always happy to be in the company of a woman/women so. Even though, we may never end up in a relationship with that person of the opposite sex we will still make her or, them feel welcome by way of comments or, body language.
On the flipside, the man with many female friends...well, that one is a bit complicated. It could be: A. He's gay and has lots in common with the girls and they will do things around him that they wouldn' t normally do around straight guys, because they don't feel intimidated/attracted. B. He's a charmer and easily with the odds in his favor end up in some sort of not-just-friends sort of relationship. These guys will drive jealousy into any man on the outside of this group that has any sort of relationship past/present and possibly future(with respect to competition). C. This one is the same for the GP with the group of guys too. They grew up with more than one sibling of the opposite sex and they are totally comfortable and have more in common with people of the opposite sex due to their experiences growing up. Hope this helps. Peace.
P.S. I'm single and happy to hang around with you and your GF's :) | |
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| Male/Female Friendships Question
Posted: 7/26/2009 10:49:01 PM | if it were me...id assume the "female friends" were sticking around for my choc chip cookies...and/or my awesome spaghetti or jambalaya...beyond that friends are friends...weather or not i want to "get into" her pants...that decision isnt up to me
some girls refuse to understand that im a great cook and i love to have people enjoy my cookin..i understand girls hanging around for my cooking...but few seem to realize its a pleasure for the simple fact i want to take care of them...and all the more better if theres multiple girls for that increases my odds of finding a girl who loves my cooking enough to get to know...perhaps this isnt really relevant
i dont often cook for guys i know...it seems kinda ...well...gay...but i know make good food....and hey the bigger the crowd that enjoys my cooking...the better the chance that someone will decide they need to get to know me...even if only to get my recipies...(HAH)..."nope not happening" | |
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Posted: 7/26/2009 10:52:51 PM | I dont know if I could date a women with lots of male friends. If she is hanging out with them all the time, then yes it would bother me if we were in a relationship...
Just ask yourself this question...
If you walked into a room naked and told one of your male friends to have sex with you, what would be his reaction?
1. No, I dont want to mess up our friendship...or
2. Let me get my pants off...
You have admitted that some of your male friends are attracted to you, that doesnt make them friends, that makes them males that havent slept with you yet... | |
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Posted: 7/26/2009 11:09:39 PM | Well, I would not walk into a room naked and demand that one of my male friends have sex with me...lol. And, in the past, I've gotten both types of reactions when I've told previous male friends that I was attracted to them physically.
And some of my male friends are guys that I have actually slept with in the past but that I would never in a million years sleep with again (either b/c they sucked in bed or b/c they have GFs or because there is zero attraction after 10+ years of knowing them) | |
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Posted: 7/26/2009 11:28:00 PM |
And some of my male friends are guys that I have actually slept with in the past but that I would never in a million years sleep with again
I really never understood the concept of men and women that have slept together and are still friends...but that is just me.
I once had a girl I was dating for about 6 months, she was friends with an ex of hers. She had a 2 year relationship with this guy and would normally go to lunch with him about twice a month. I told her I didnt really like it, she called me insecure, and that was the end of that.....
Its one thing being friends with guys you have never slept with, its another having male friends you have been intimate with.....just saying... | |
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Posted: 7/26/2009 11:30:56 PM | | I would have issues with a man who had a problem with me being friends with my exBFs. I too would call him insecure. ExBfs are a great source of advice. Just like I would not have a problem dating a man who was friends with his exes. | |
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Posted: 7/27/2009 12:24:30 AM | | I would never date a girl who is friends with several ex-boyfriends. It has nothing to do with insecurity. It's just awkward. I meet them and we talk about what? The things that got you off? | |
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rune3
| | Joined: 7/13/2006
Msg: 21 | |
| Male/Female Friendships Question
Posted: 7/27/2009 12:49:21 AM | This whole theory of "they'd sleep with you given the green light, therefore that's the only reason they hang out with you and they are not really your friend" is nonsense.
A lot of men would sleep with any vaguely non-hideous woman given a green light. In most cases, that doesn't define their relationship to all women. A lot of women would be happy to have a male friend come and fix their car or move their heavy furniture -- is that the reason for their friendship, though? Only sometimes.
People who believe that male/female friendships are based around the male being attracted and the female power-playing on that attraction only reveal their own attitude to others. Sure, maybe her male friends would theoretically jump into bed with her if she asked them to -- and what exactly does that mean? Nothing at all in most cases. | |
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