| | Single mom- how to make it easier on men?Page 1 of 1 | I'm a single mom to a 3 year old little man. I do have a babysitter so I am able to go out on dates when I want.
What I want to know.. is how you guys want dating to work with a mom with a child/ren.
-When do you want to meet the kid/s?
- Do you think its appropriate to stay over night at moms house with the kid/s sleeping?
-Is there anything we as moms can do to make it more comfortable for you while around the kids?
-What are things you want to know?
Thanks guys!! | |
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| Single mom- how to make it easier on men?
Posted: 7/27/2009 6:29:12 PM | this is my opinion.....but as a general rule, if i'm dating a mom, I would expect the child to always come first but mom also knows how to make the time occasionally for the relationship.
When do you want to meet the kid/s?
no sooner than at least eight months. you want time for testing the relationships validity. I wouldn't want to be introducing the kids to numerous guys. that can't be good.
Do you think its appropriate to stay over night at moms house with the kid/s sleeping?
after the above stated time frame.......sure.
Is there anything we as moms can do to make it more comfortable for you while around the kids?
yes, don't try to force me to be the kids father whether the biological father is in the childs life or not. also don't use me as a pawn to somehow get back at the biological father for some hatred that you have built up. (if that exists) | |
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| Single mom- how to make it easier on men?
Posted: 7/27/2009 6:29:31 PM | I personally have come to the realization that I cannot love someone else's child as much as if the child were my own. That's not fair to the mother nor the child so I don't even bother dating single mothers. But that is me, I know several men who at least claim they can love someone else's child as much as if it were his own.
questions:
1. Meet the children after there is a mutual strong attraction which is obviously heading towards something serious.
2. No.
3. It will be uncomfortable no matter what, especially trying to figure out your 'role'.
4. How many kids from how many different dads...can be a HUGE turn-off. | |
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| Single mom- how to make it easier on men?
Posted: 7/27/2009 6:33:21 PM |
-When do you want to meet the kid/s?
Ideally, at THEIR wedding, not before...
Do you think its appropriate to stay over night at moms house with the kid/s sleeping? No. Especially prior to meeting the children at their wedding.
-Is there anything we as moms can do to make it more comfortable for you while around the kids? Keep Beer in the fridge. Train the kids to fetch another one when the bottle gets within 10% of being empty...
What are things you want to know?
Do you have any attractive female friends without kids....?
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| Single mom- how to make it easier on men?
Posted: 7/27/2009 6:37:41 PM |
-When do you want to meet the kid/s?
When you feel comfortable introducing him. Seriously. I know how protective parents are, so I'm fairly certain that whenever she feels comfortable introducing him, I should be ready.
- Do you think its appropriate to stay over night at moms house with the kid/s sleeping?
Well, it depends on how the relationship has gone, right? For example, if I've married a woman after a while in a relationship, I think it should be fine. Once again, it goes back to how comfortable the child is to the situation.
-Is there anything we as moms can do to make it more comfortable for you while around the kids?
Well, don't compare us to "dad" when we're around them ... LOL ... Seriously, we're big boys - we'll be fine, although it will be nervous for us at first, just like I know it it nervous for them.
-What are things you want to know?
What do your children enjoy doing? What makes them smile? Just tell us about them. | |
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| Single mom- how to make it easier on men?
Posted: 7/27/2009 6:41:51 PM | You should get a mom of the year award just for asking such poignant questions.
The key is that you should not involve your child right away ie: having your date meet your child. Lots of women use the kids to see if you can trust him, but kids can be bought with candy and charm and not indicative of a man's true intentions with you.
Being flexible is key but don't sell yourself or time with your child short for any man, if he has a heart he will understand and want to support you emotionally with your responsibilities.
Focus on each other not you and what your child did that day unless he asks. And even then keep it short and sweet, the reason for this is that if you are consumed by your responsibilites with your child then there won't seemingly be any room for him in your life.
Lastly just make sure you have clear goals for yourself your child and especially that man's role in your life you deserve to be happy and so does he.
Hope this helps | |
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yna6
| | Joined: 1/21/2007
Msg: 8 | |
| Single mom- how to make it easier on men?
Posted: 7/27/2009 6:42:54 PM | Perhaps meet the kids after the 4th date? Or make that the target date to meet?
Try meeting them in the afternoon...outside...or on the kids (you house!) home grounds. This makes the kids feel more comfortable. He's 3 you say, so shouldn't be a proble,.
Kid sleeping? But 3? Probably up early...so an overnighter might wait till after their first meeting with the oyung one.
Don't abandon us with the kids to run to the store.....some guys get REAL nervous REAL fast about that kind of thing. Jeeze...I left my buddy holding the baby once to run real quick over to the corner and came back 10 minutes later. He hadn't moved and still was cradling the baby in his arms...he was stiff...didn't know what to do!
Perhaps the guy will ask about somethng, like what the little guy likes to do....or invite him and mom out for a picnic on the lawn. Sometimes breaks thngs up a bit so the child accepts this person a bit.
Also....BJ's should NOT be optional.....guys like them and feel way more relaxed and comfortable after having one...really!
hope these tips work for you! | |
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| Single mom- how to make it easier on men?
Posted: 7/27/2009 6:43:45 PM | I'm so sorry sweetie, but you live in Canada........... The child support laws in your country make it just stupid for any man to even look at a single mom; much less date, or God forbid LIVE with a one.
That being said.
You are VERY attractive which means you should still have no real problems finding a date.
- I would want to meet the kid/s when things with their mother get serious. Not before.
- Mixed feelings on the subject. It really depends on how close their room is to ours.
- Make sure your kid isn't a unruly, screaming little brat. I can think of few things that are more annoying than a toddler throwing an atomic sized fit and the mother just standing their watching him.
- I would want to know how active the father is in you/the childs life. What is he like? Prison, violent, sex crazed cheating **stard, dead beat, etc. And most importantly; How self sufficient you are. | |
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| Single mom- how to make it easier on men?
Posted: 7/27/2009 6:49:25 PM | Parent your kids man this is long overdue. I have been over a ladies house and the kids were off the hook felt like i got stuck in a McDonalds commercial . I am a firm believer that well mannered kids are a joy to there parents and everyone else around them , but the averse is also true. As far as making it easier be yourself the first thing I know comming in the door is that its a package deal with you comes the kids just more people to love from my standpoint. Introductions are premature until you know I am gonna be around for a while. I spent the better part of my formative years watching my mom hop around belive me it was no to my betterment. The worst thing in the world is some guy wanting you to call him daddy and your 14 to 16 years old knowing he just the flavor of the Year. If you can help it no sleep overs. Come over when kids sleep and gone when they awake. Out of sight out of mind what happens behind close doors stays behind closed doors . JMO  | |
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| Single mom- how to make it easier on men?
Posted: 7/27/2009 6:49:33 PM | | The problem you are going to run into is that you have a 3 year old and you're only 21. Guys in your age range are obviously going to be more turned off by kids than say guys in their late twenties/early thirties. So i think this issue will be a lot less of a problem for you in a couple of years. That said, i wouldn't even introduce the kids until you are sure the relationship is something long term. Once that's been established it doesn't really matter what you do. The guys that would have been turned off or had a problem with the kids would have left a long time before that. | |
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| Single mom- how to make it easier on men?
Posted: 7/27/2009 6:57:20 PM | Although generally speaking, my profile says I'm not interested in children, I do try to stay open minded to the possibility of a woman coming along who could change my mind. So sitting back and thinking about it for just a quick minute.. I have a few observations (of my own thoughts):
1.) If a woman ever says (or implies) something like "My child will ALWAYS be first and foremost".. thats a big turnoff to me. Not because I'm selfish or jealous, but because the relationship you have with your child and the relationship you have with your mate are 2 different things. One is not better/worse than the other. They can both be unique, beautiful and complimentary. (put another way: A potential dating/mate relationship should be seen as a strengthening bond - one that would perhaps help make (your, and) the childs life even better. Implying that your child always comes first, is basically telling me "There's nothing you can ever do to measure up to my child (you'll always be 2nd)"... Nobody wants to be 2nd.
2.) The (new/budding) relationship would have to be almost 100% perfect without the child considered into the equation. Why? For a variety of reasons: A lot of people have problems in relationships without kids. That by itself is pretty difficult. (as evidenced by so many people on dating sites) Children are impressionable, and I'd want my interaction with the mom to be a positive example to the child 100% of the time. (I'd also very carefully watch the moms interaction with the child, for little body language queues/feedback that would tell me what her values are and how she's raising the child.
I also want to know that the mom has an identity outside of "being a mom"... I'd like to go an entire date, evening or weekend without hearing a single thing about her child. Not because I'm avoiding the issue, but because I want to know she is strong, independent and not hung up on using the child as an anchor for her personality. (sorry moms, but I realize after becoming a mom, that becomes your primary focus in life. I get it. But I still want to know you can be a woman. That you can go out and party or dance your butt off or go skydiving or whatever. ) Bonus points if you can do subtle little womanly things while playing mom (example: kids are in the living room playing video games, we are in the kitchen cooking dinner.. and you grab my ass or lean over and passionately kiss me)
"When do you want to meet the kid/s?"
My gut instinct answer is in the 3 to 6 month range. Typically by this point I've learned enough about the mom to know if I'd be sticking around .. and also enough to know whether I'd be comfortable meeting/being around the kids or not.
"Do you think its appropriate to stay over night at moms house with the kid/s sleeping? "
In most cases?... No. .. I guess it depends on the age of the kids and the size of the house. But in my mind, "staying over" probably means "comfortable enough/attracted enough to have be having sex".. and sometimes sex gets loud ( if its good ;P.. and that seems awkward.. so I'd probably avoid staying over until moving in/marriage became a possibility.
"Is there anything we as moms can do to make it more comfortable for you while around the kids? "
Yes.. have a healthy, fun and honest relationship with your kids. The more comfortable you are with your kids, the more comfortable I'm going to be around you. I notice (and remember) subtle moments of dysfunction for quite a long time. I don't want to be around dysfunction, whether it involves kids or otherwise. | |
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| Single mom- how to make it easier on men?
Posted: 7/27/2009 7:05:05 PM | | Personally, I'd prefer not to meet the kids - especially younger ones - early on. It's nothing against the kids, or the concept of the kids. But until I feel relatively comfortable that the woman and I will be dating for some time to come, I just don't feel it's right. Particularly with smaller kids, who could get easily attatched to me only to then never see me again. That's not to say it wouldn't bother me to not see them either, but, I'm adult, I know how the ups and downs of dating go. Given the littler kids are the more they don't know, let alone understand, the concept of dating, it just seems the best for the kids to keep things at a distance for a while. | |
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| Single mom- how to make it easier on men?
Posted: 7/27/2009 7:22:58 PM |
When do you want to meet the kid/s?
I don't think you need to have a specific timeline as some of the other posters have suggested. I just think you need to have a discussion with the guy first. I can't say whether I'd want to wait until the 5th date, or the 3rd month, or the second half cycle of the harvest moon - because it means nothing. Maybe it will take us 6 dates to realize we aren't a good match, maybe we'd fall in love after a month, who knows?!
I wouldn't suggest waiting too long, because obviously how your child and the guy get along is going to be important. What if you wait 6 months, you're both crazy about each other, and then he meets your son and 2 hours later says - i can't believe he just keeps talking about nonsense - and wants to leave. That's 6 months down the drain.
I'd say the best thing to do is, once you know you are seriously interested in persueing something long term, ask him if he thinks he is ready to meet the kid(s).
- Do you think its appropriate to stay over night at moms house with the kid/s sleeping?
Sure, once i've met them a couple times. But it would be important for you to explain before hand that i would be staying the night. It would help to avoid any awkward moments throughout the night or in the morning.
-Is there anything we as moms can do to make it more comfortable for you while around the kids?
Make sure they have something to do the first few times they are meeting us. Don't just invite us over and expect the kids to be entertained or want to sit and talk. Take the to the zoo the first time we meet, or something like that. Give them something good to associate with us and something to occupy them so they aren't forced to interact with us before they are ready.
Obviously some of that is not totally relevant to certain age groups, but you get the idea.
Also, as somebody else mentioned. Our (Canadian) child support system is really ****ed. It might be a bit of an obstacle at times (for guys who know what it is like). | |
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| Single mom- how to make it easier on men?
Posted: 7/27/2009 7:57:18 PM |
-When do you want to meet the kid/s?
After you get a JOB!
Sure, child-rearing can be your profession. But it don't pay the bills.
And my name is NOT PAYCHECK!
- Do you think its appropriate to stay over night at moms house with the kid/s sleeping?
I do.
Even more so if the kid/s are sleeping in another room!
-Is there anything we as moms can do to make it more comfortable for you while around the kids?
Don't let the kids pester us with a bazillion questions too soon in the relationship.
Those disgusting little things that kids do, but you think is cute when your's does it? We still think it's disgusting!
Let us raise our hand, or some other signal, when something is awkward and should be avoided for now w/o question!
-What are things you want to know?
Where do babies come from?
And do they come with a receipt and owner's manual?
And if so, is there a Return Policy?
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| Single mom- how to make it easier on men?
Posted: 7/27/2009 8:05:54 PM | I am a single father so I wouldn't mind meeting the kids after a few dates and we know we are at least going to be friends. I think it's important to do something together as long as the kids understood that this person is my friend. This way you can make sure everyone gets along. You are potentially going to be bf/gf at this stage and thats fine for kids who understand that this person is not their mother/father, nor a replacement.
Your son is three and has no clue as to what is going on, so sure why not. He's not going to know if your friend is staying the night or just came over in the morning. If the children are a little older, then it is not comfortable for them to have someone there who is not there normally. Send him/her home.
If a person is not comfortable around kids there is nothing you can do to make them more comfortable. I would think not letting the kid jump on him or force him to overly interact with your son, like saying, "junior, go see if Jess wants to play catch with you while I cook dinner" and you should be fine.
I would want to know if his father is involved. How is the father going to feel about me being around the kids. | |
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| Single mom- how to make it easier on men?
Posted: 7/27/2009 9:01:49 PM | OH BOY!! I love men like you. Your all about assumptions aren't you??
Since my profile says that my job is FULL TIME STAY AT HOME MOM--- you took it I dont have a job, or overlook the idea that I may just in fact have money.
Lastly, I feel so sad for society, knowing that there are men like you out there | |
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| Single mom- how to make it easier on men?
Posted: 7/27/2009 9:07:27 PM | AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
So the beast, I mean princess, rears it's ugly head!!!!!!!!!!
Typical immaturity!~
Sometimes ya just gotta block the little brats! | |
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| Single mom- how to make it easier on men?
Posted: 7/27/2009 9:14:14 PM | I've been here so I'll give you some advice from my learning experience.
1. Wait until you are serious to meet the kids. Maybe 6 months. This will protect them and the guy. Yes, inform him about the kids but he doesn't have to meet them.
2. It is appropriate after the 6 month period. Until then, stay at his house.
3. Don't make him do daddy things. Those are your kids. If he offers then that's okay but don't ask him to help you until you are very serious.
Things we want to know:
How's the relationship with the father? (Baby daddy drama is the worst)
Are you independent? (Money, mother activities, ect..)
Are you a good mother? (It's very unnattractive if you're a bad mom...not saying you are at all though!)
Are you wanting more? (Birth control?) | |
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| Single mom- how to make it easier on men?
Posted: 7/27/2009 9:18:54 PM | YOU are a fat prick!!
so what if us single moms dont have a job!??
you arent the father so we arent asking for you to provide for us and OUR children!
if you dont have anything nice to say, keep your big nasty mouth shut!!
thanks.
-the SINGLE STAY AT HOME MOMMY!!! | |
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| Single mom- how to make it easier on men?
Posted: 7/27/2009 9:22:18 PM | damn girl!! I love you!! I was thinking the EXACT THING!!! And I told him lol.
I dont have a job BUT not on welfare:) I live great and no one needs to know how until Im with them with them right | |
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| Single mom- how to make it easier on men?
Posted: 7/27/2009 9:24:19 PM | TO TO THE FAT GUY!!!
Im sorry, you are calling me immature? I have not said ONE rude or derogatory comment towards you because I am not like that.
You on the other hand are being, or are trying to be nasty. Notice that everyone is commenting towards your idiocy! | |
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