| Middle Eastern Dating
Posted: 7/27/2009 9:41:54 PM | First off, sorry to those I might offend with this, I'm seriously not trying to.
I'm throwing this question on the POF forums because my Indian/Afghan/ Saudi friends don't have a definite answer for me.
I've been seeing someone for a few weeks now, and I can tell that I do want to date him seriously. I'm having an issue however, with his unwillingness to try to stray from the traditions of an arranged marriage. I had no idea people still do these things!! Is it possible for him, in your own opinions, to distance himself enough from these traditions to have a serious relationship with a white girl? Or am I fighting a lost cause? | |
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| Middle Eastern Dating
Posted: 7/27/2009 11:14:00 PM | Listen, if he is that much of a traditionalist, you best steer clear. He is not going to stray from his beliefs and the traditions of his family and culture to be with you. And as a modern (I hope) woman you do not want to step into that hot mess. I am not racist, I speak from experience. I dated a man like you described and was apalled.
Your friends won't give you a straight answer because they don't want to hurt you.
Run like hell
Beth | |
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| Middle Eastern Dating
Posted: 7/27/2009 11:22:57 PM | | Let me chime in here for you. I happen to be middle eastern and I also don't understand why people still work backwards in life and want an arranged marriage. As far as your question goes, If you have started to date him then enjoy the time and see where it leads. Don't put too much into it. YOu have only known him for a few weeks so even bringing up the thought of marriage is ridiculous. I understand you don't want to waste your time, blah blah blah, but really, just enjoy life and go along for the ride. People who live there life by fears and rules just end up watching life past them by. Your relationship might last a week or maybe several years but just learn to experience it. | |
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| Middle Eastern Dating
Posted: 7/27/2009 11:48:05 PM |
I s it possible for him, in your own opinions, to distance himself enough from these traditions to have a serious relationship with a white girl? doubtful. Family pressure will mean he plays around with you but when it's time to marry, he goes with a suitable woman his family approves of. You already know he's unwilling to stray.
Seems he has no interest in distancing himself anyway but you'll be "fun"-- especially if you're willing to have the sex his bride-to-be won't. | |
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| Middle Eastern Dating
Posted: 7/27/2009 11:57:55 PM | I can't help but believe that, If he is traditional enough to partake in an arranged marriage, his views of a woman's rights and a woman's place in the world are likely just as traditional.
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| Middle Eastern Dating
Posted: 7/28/2009 12:08:42 AM | | OP, I don't know the exact heritage of the man you're interested in, but if you watch the movie Not Without My Daughter, you might have second thoughts. The scary part of the movie is that it's based on a true story and the laws depicted in the film are really laws in Iran. Be careful. | |
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| Middle Eastern Dating
Posted: 7/28/2009 12:39:16 AM |
Is it possible for him, in your own opinions, to distance himself enough from these traditions to have a serious relationship with a white girl? Or am I fighting a lost cause?
You're fighting a lost cause.
Unfortunately you'll be a bit of 'fun' before he follows his family's wishes and marries a 'suitable' wife.
Even if he loves you, his family would care less about his wishes and will only concern themselves with what they perceive is in the interests of the family.
You've only been dating him a few weeks, do yourself a favour and date a man who makes up his own mind about things and is actually available for a relationship with you, and not a mere dalliance. | |
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| Middle Eastern Dating
Posted: 7/28/2009 6:21:49 AM |
my Indian/Afghan/ Saudi friends don't have a definite answer for me.
they know the truth, they just do not want to tell you. I lived in those countries for 15 years and I am somewhat familiar with the way they think. If you are not a muslim you do not even rise to the level of their wives, and that is the level and esteem of a dog.
Poor OP, you seem like an otherwise intelligent and beautiful woman. | |
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| Middle Eastern Dating
Posted: 7/28/2009 6:43:37 AM | | I lived in the Middle East for many years and the above post does apply to some countries but not all. I know plenty of Western women happily married to Middle Eastern men however I would still advise caution. Every man is different just like in our own culture but family pressure is strong. | |
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| Middle Eastern Dating
Posted: 7/28/2009 7:41:10 AM | I'm of middle-eastern descent and hoping I might help in shedding some light on the subject...yes, arranged marriages in our culture are prevalent to this day...I've known many middle-eastern men to date "American" women to (sry) sew their wild oats...then when they are ready to marry...their families will find them a "virgin" in the old country and arrange a marriage...These men are usually in their late 30's, early 40's and will be married off to a woman in her early 20's (if not younger)... I'm not saying whether it's right or wrong (that's a whole other discussion) it's just fact...!
This is not to say you can't or wont have a healthy relationship with this man...love is a powerful thing and knows no race...
How "americanized" is this man or his family?? This is a big factor in how he percieves you...Family and tradition is of great importance in this culture...Do you cook, clean, plan on having kids?? This is also of great importance to the family of this culture...If you said yes and are respectful of him and his family then you have a great chance in making it work...if not then, unfortunately, you may be (sry) the side dish...!
I hope things work out for you...all I'm trying to say is to proceed with caution...!! | |
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| Middle Eastern Dating
Posted: 7/28/2009 7:47:43 AM | OP: If he is a traditional Middle Eastern, I highly doubt he will deter from his family/culture customs. Some do, but most don't. I believe there is a lot of pressure from their families, and some may even disown them if they marry outside of their beliefs.
If he is unwilling to budge, then you just ought move on before you get too attached to him.
Best, | |
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| Middle Eastern Dating
Posted: 7/28/2009 8:41:52 AM | | you need to be realistic...his family wishes are important...he will be with you...then you fall in love..when the time comes for marriage...he will find somebody else that his parents approve...i know somebody who is not following their parent's wishes...but it is obvious what his parents want him to do he will do...run...just be his friend..you will be wasting your time | |
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tass08
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Joined: 8/11/2008
Msg: 13 | |
| Middle Eastern Dating
Posted: 7/28/2009 8:59:42 AM |
I'm having an issue however, with his unwillingness to try to stray from the traditions of an arranged marriage. He's been honest with you about how far the relationship can go.
Is it possible for him, in your own opinions, to distance himself enough from these traditions to have a serious relationship with a white girl? Of course it's possible, but he's already told you he doesn't want to.
Or am I fighting a lost cause? You're trying to change a man from what he has honestly told you about himself, into something that fits your idea of what you want him to be. Yes, I'd say that's a lost cause. (And one that countless women have tried on countless men before you, and no doubt countless relationships will end badly in the future because women keep trying to change their men!) | |
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| Middle Eastern Dating
Posted: 7/28/2009 9:18:06 AM | | Why waste your time, and his? This is like trying to commuicate with a brick wall. Knowing the brick wall can't talk, you still keep yapping anyway. That brick wall can't talk, nor can it hear you. Therefore, you might as stop wasting your time on that brick wall, and move on. | |
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| Middle Eastern Dating
Posted: 7/28/2009 9:22:23 AM | | Because of your age, probably his is close to yours, if his family is insisting on this, you're entering into eternal disgust from them if you are not their chosen one for him... if he was older and been married before, they probably wouldn't give a hoot what he did, question in your case is do you want to have inlaws forever that hate your guts | |
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| Middle Eastern Dating
Posted: 7/28/2009 9:29:54 AM |
Listen, if he is that much of a traditionalist, you best steer clear. He is not going to stray from his beliefs and the traditions of his family and culture to be with you. And as a modern (I hope) woman you do not want to step into that hot mess. I am not racist, I speak from experience. I dated a man like you described and was apalled.
Your friends won't give you a straight answer because they don't want to hurt you.
Run like hell
Beth
Hhhmmmm sounds a bit racist to me, a few of the nicest girls I have dated were from india, egypt and panama, the indian girl was the perfect blend of old world and modern culture, only modern in the fact that she dated me(a non indian). | |
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| Middle Eastern Dating
Posted: 7/29/2009 7:53:55 PM |
a few of the nicest girls I have dated were from india, egypt and panama
Its very different for girls though. This guy was from a family of 4 brothers, the family name is for sure going to go on. For a girl, it doesn't matter anyways since shes going to be married off in the first place.
Oh, and Panama is on the other side of the world. | |
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| Middle Eastern Dating
Posted: 7/29/2009 8:22:33 PM | | Easy guys on Middle Eastern men and women. I have many of them as good friends. We are here in North America got all the freedom, rights, etc we want, does that make the UNARRANGED MARRIAGE WORK? The answer is no. The divorce rate is hitting the roof. My answer to you is date him and enjoy your time. Time is more than enough to answer the question. We date and have no clue how the relationship will go or end. | |
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| Middle Eastern Dating
Posted: 7/29/2009 8:36:33 PM | I thought I would give my two cents. I was raised a Muslim and my mother is middle eastern. I am not religious, more in that phase where I am trying to form my own opinions on the purpose of life based on what I perceive.
There really are much different levels of arranged marriages. There are those parents that will choose a specific person for you and you are more or less forced to marry them. This form of arranged marriage is very rare in this day and age. I have one friend who was put in this category but his parents were immigrants from the rural parts of Afghanistan with no education whatsoever.
Most arranged marriages work like this. Your parents will bring forth someone they believe is a good match for you and then arrange "dates" for you two to get to know each other and decide whether there is a connection. If there is no connection, then your parents will find a new candidate. It is not unheard of for people to refuse 15 or so candidates before there is a mutual connection.
You have to figure out which camp him and his family fall on. Are they the type that will force him to marry a specific person or will they be lenient with him choosing you? If you believe they can be lenient then there are ways you can win over their approval because at the end of the day they want what is best for their son.
How traditional is he, how traditional are his parents?? I need you to elaborate a little more before I can help you out further. | |
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