| How do I absolutely without a doubt let a guy know I am NOT interested without hurting him?
Posted: 7/28/2009 2:14:57 AM | I have this very good friend whom I chat with online, and have so for several months. I was very open with him as I saw him as a mentor (Him being 46 or so, me being 28) and got kind of close to him. Problem is, he started hinting at a relationship and I didn't know if he was joking, so I let it go. That has now turned into full on flirting. I turned him down several times but in a very nice way. .
He will go for several weeks now and not say anything and then BOOM! He makes a wild comment, and takes it even further. Honestly, he's freaking me out and kinda taking advantage of the fact that I let him in. I don't want the friendship to end BUT I do not ever think I can trust him enough to let him in like I did before. My question is what is a firm yet still nice way to turn him down? He's pretty fragile so I really don't want to be a total meanie.
Any suggestions guys?
Thanks!
-K
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| How do I absolutely without a doubt let a guy know I am NOT interested without hurting him?
Posted: 7/28/2009 2:36:40 AM | You can't.
You can say something that allows you to pretend that you aren't hurting him, or you can do without this. In the latter case, it will probably hurt him less.
Most people, and that includes women, are actually more interested in preventing their own guilt than in preventing pain to others. And so, they "let people down easily," which is really to protect themselves. | |
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| How do I absolutely without a doubt let a guy know I am NOT interested without hurting him?
Posted: 7/28/2009 2:38:53 AM | Well you can't. You have already given him enough hints - looks like he doesn't really care what you want/feel. And at the age of 46, he deserves to get hurt. Hit him where it hurts the most.... BAM!
He's pretty fragile
So, he's gay/emo? What is that mean? I don't know any "REAL MAN" being fragile .....
He thinks by playing it slow/smooth, he'll change your mind.... Again! Hit him where it hurts the most ! ..... BAM! | |
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| How do I absolutely without a doubt let a guy know I am NOT interested without hurting him?
Posted: 7/28/2009 2:58:30 AM | I had a similar situation last year. I got pretty close with a guy friend of mine as well and knew there was an attraction on his part. There was for me early on but I got to know him better and realized we would never work. He is ultra-sensitive which I cannot handle as a gf. I told him last year that we are "friends and thats where it ends." He took it well and starting dating some girl a few days after.
Just know its likely to come up again. He came at me a few months ago wondering why if we get along so well we cant go for it. UGH! Not to mention he is dating some girl who is keeping him company I guess til he finds someone else. I ended up telling him I was all wrong for him and he needed someone more sensitive. He needs a LOT of ego boosting and I cant do it for him but I didnt tell him that because I didnt want to hurt him. Now I wish I had because however he chooses to take that is his choice. I shouldnt feel bad if I'm honest in a nice way and neither should you. As much as it sucks life is full of rejection and everyone needs to learn how to accept it. | |
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| How do I absolutely without a doubt let a guy know I am NOT interested without hurting him?
Posted: 7/28/2009 3:56:10 AM | Easiest way without hurting his feelings? Set him up with a good person that you think he will be attracted to and will lke him in return. That way, you're off the 'nookie' radar, and into the 'friend zone'.
Men in his situation just need a bit of gentle redirection...he keeps forgetting you are not available to be his girlfriend, but he needs one. Be a good friend and help him find one.
Then everyone is happy!
Beth | |
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| How do I absolutely without a doubt let a guy know I am NOT interested without hurting him?
Posted: 7/28/2009 4:13:42 AM | Just know its likely to come up again. He came at me a few months ago wondering why if we get along so well we cant go for it.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Should have told him to grow a pair of nads and put on the Big Boy pants (blue,of course).
It is inevitable. Telling them the right way or the wrong way is all the same shyt. They will get hurt. How they handle the news is on them. You did what you had to do and if you were mature about how you handled it then there should be no worries on your part. Telling them on the phone, face to face, sending them a message is the only thing to worry about if you thought about timing and place. For some people, facing the other person is difficult especially if you know how they handle other things in the relationship: if they are angry too often, if they cry (ultra sensitive men do that), they whine, or they like to drag out the conversation because they have to understand every tiny syllable of the words you try to put across to them.
With friends of the opposite sex, it is tough when over time the person develops feelings with you and it is them that you run to every time you have a problem instead of calling on the other male friends you have for advice or opinions. | |
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| How do I absolutely without a doubt let a guy know I am NOT interested without hurting him?
Posted: 7/28/2009 4:19:34 AM | | Sometimes you can't skirt around when you are rejecting an advance. You should be honest and then let the chips fall where they may. You are not responsible for his feelings. You are responsible for your own and if he continues to make you feel uncomfortable you should tell him. You just may hurt his feelings, sometimes you can't avoid it. | |
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| How do I absolutely without a doubt let a guy know I am NOT interested without hurting him?
Posted: 7/28/2009 5:03:22 AM | If he is truly taking advantage of you...then what kind of a friend IS he?
what do you REALLY owe him?
Look, pain is relative. Dragging something out is painful. Making it quick, is painful initially, and then the pain goes away.
Make it certain, make it quick. Friends can't always help hurting the ones they live. BUT, they can help how long they twist the knife. Just tell him, you've told him before, now you're making it official b/c he didn't get the message. That way, he knows its his fault, without making the blame a big deal. Make it official.
and don't be entirely surprised if he disappears for a little while to avoid embarassment...or if he disappears for a longer period of time, which would tell you something. | |
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| How do I absolutely without a doubt let a guy know I am NOT interested without hurting him?
Posted: 7/28/2009 5:15:44 AM | This guy does not just have you on the hook. He's got several women on the hook. How do I know? Because "he goes several weeks without saying anything then BAMM he pushes it further". That means he's got several women he's working at one time. He's older then you and he's playing games. He knows young women are emotional and is playing that against you too. The only person getting hurt in here is you. Drop him and block him. He is not being nice because he is a noble soul. He's being nice because every older guy wants the attention of a younger prettier woman.
Dont let him manipulate you. He's got plenty of other "fish" in the hook. It's a free web site. It is a Mans play ground in here and if you fall for it after getting advice from a guy who has no motivation to tell you the truth then you'll have no one to blame but you.
Kick him to the curve...he's wasting your time and he's not going to get what he wants from you. PS dont let hims play the freaking fragile card either. Men are not fragile...we are chameleons and we pretend to be what it is you seem to be looking for at the moment. | |
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| How do I absolutely without a doubt let a guy know I am NOT interested without hurting him?
Posted: 7/28/2009 5:53:11 AM | The Simpsons covered this:
Lisa: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?
Marge: Well, honey, when I...
Homer: Let me handle this, Marge, I've heard 'em all. "I like you as a friend." "I think we should see other people." "I don't speak English." "I'm married to the sea." "I don't wanna kill you, but I will." “I’m not gay, but I could learn.” Or you can just straight up tell him. If he's fragile, it seems more hurtful to "mislead" him. Mislead in quotes because it doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong. | |
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| How do I absolutely without a doubt let a guy know I am NOT interested without hurting him?
Posted: 7/28/2009 6:38:19 AM | Boy, there are some answers here I really think are f*cked up. There's the one accusing the guy of manipulation because he waits a few weeks before coming on again ... as if that was against the law or something. And that's "proof" the guy is playing the field. Well, that's not against the law, either, and, far as I know, this gal has turned him down. So, apparently, after that, he's supposed to find a convent to join, so to speak. Uhm ...
Anyway, I think it's probably true that you can't ... as in you can't not hurt him. But that doesn't mean it isn't good for him to hear the truth. So, sure, I advocate for the direct approach. Point out his pattern to him ... maybe he'll see the light and quit with the shenanigans.
I think it's pretty hard in a dating Web site to turn things around from potential date to just pals. Participating in a dating Web site implies that you're looking for some action and that's hard for some dudes, (who are ready to rock and roll), to face up to. Just a thought ... | |
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| How do I absolutely without a doubt let a guy know I am NOT interested without hurting him?
Posted: 7/28/2009 7:37:59 AM |
Easiest way without hurting his feelings? Set him up with a good person that you think he will be attracted to and will lke him in return. That way, you're off the 'nookie' radar, and into the 'friend zone'.
Men in his situation just need a bit of gentle redirection...
No offense Beth, but that is completely wrong advice. Men are not children, and there is no need for any sort of misdirection or distracting him into being interested in someone else. He is a grown man, and both deserves and should be able to handle simple honesty. No hints, no subtle comments dropped into a conversation, and no need to say anything that would hurt his feelings (saying you aren't attracted to him). Just tell him he is your friend and you value that, but that is all there will ever be between you. If he's too fragile to handle that much, well, that's his issue, not yours. He might get his feelings hurt a bit, and he'll be disappointed, but he'll have no choice but to face facts and move on from there. | |
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| How do I absolutely without a doubt let a guy know I am NOT interested without hurting him?
Posted: 7/28/2009 7:38:52 AM | Yep...you CANNOT not hurt him. But that's good, because trying to keep him as a friend would hurt him MORE over the long run. He CANNOT be just your friend.
Make your position crystal clear, and hopefully the hurt will let him move on from you. You'll do him more good by hurting him.
(As an aside, I do think he's coloring outside the lines a bit...a 26 year old would have to make her desires VERY clear to me to get past "this is wrong" with me.) | |
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