| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 7/28/2009 8:00:55 AM | "The best revenge is to live well" - Author unknown.
Guys- I really want to believe as written above but, even after 2 yrs post (12 yrs) married/ highly HIGHLLLY conflictual separation issues/ major stressors in all regards.
My point is- I am 100% aware that the only person I hurt is myself because I carry with me so much unrest and anxiety. This is energising!
Well- & as single mum to Billy, aged 9. Logic tells me that, if for no other reason- I have an obligation to him- to get over it. I seriously do not want to (subconsciously) infuse my anger to him.
..My question to u all is this.. I know what I have to do, I just (quite literally) do not know 'how'.
---> Qu. HOW..do I dump the anger???
Thx for listening,
Susan x | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 7/28/2009 8:28:50 AM | I beleive that you have to live through it. Not that you enjoy the emotion, it is just part of the greiving process. There are some great self help books availale for you to read, and if you find yourself a therapyst that you can work with, that is also a step in the right direction. It does take time.
I remember the anger I felt, it went on for years, as "I couldn't understnd why my marriage ended up the way it did". Now I am over it, and a lot happier. But it DID take a lot of work on my part.
You can do it! | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 7/28/2009 9:02:16 AM | Susan recognizing that it is damaging to you, and to your son is a good start.
Then you want to dissect down what actually is still peeving you after 2 yrs, there can be many many things, but for some the most hurtful feeling is the fact that it didn't work out and for some people, because he did NOT up hold his end of the vows, or play the part of a husband worth sh!t.
Other things like constant conflict with child support, him not picking up or seeing your child as he says, or just doesn't period, or has an attitude when he comes to pick up or drop off.
In other worlds you have really pick apart what it is that is still there, that thorn that you know is there, can feel it hurt, but can't see it...
Next take that wasted energy, and promise yourself you will focus on it at a certain time each day, so if that anger starts boiling, remind yourself NOT NOW, (which works to snap you out of that same pattern of thinking) then lament, get made, get sad, write out the good the bad, the really ugly.
If you spend that time in one intense focused time of day, you will start to get sick of thinking about it, it will soon be a time where you find yourself need less and less time to focus...
It is good if need be you get a therapist, or counselor to help you work out your emotions. It isn't that anger is bad, but rather how long it takes up your life, and the effects it has on your child, as well as other relationship.
Most of all your son is half of him, and it seems very obvious that YOU don't want your son to feel bad about that half of him.
Sometimes women can be reactors, instead of act upon things. If you find yourself a "reactor" then it is important to balance out your emotions with logic, both parts are need, but in balance with each other.
Some things in the past can't be fixed, no matter what, people can feel betrayed that they were getting married, and having a family for a life, rather than becoming a single parent, barely seeing our kids and making ends meet.
If that is still fueling your anger, then recognize it, and figure out how you can make life a bit easier. Do you have time to fit classes in to get a better job, if that is an issue for you? If your unhappy with your living space, what can you do to perk it up so it is more a place you don't mind living in. Find that thing that keeps you stuck in the unhappy zone, then work through what YOU have the power to do to change it.
Life changes fast, and before you know it, your boy will be chasing girls, and then wanting his first car, and all the sudden you will be wiping your tears of pride, and sadness that he is crossing the podium getting his HS diploma, and going to be headed off into the big world to find his dreams, and place in this world.
The last thing is to start working towards You and your sons future. Envision what you want, and how you are going to get there. When you start focusing on things that are good in your life, and how you are going to make them better, you will start using your energy for something positive...
Best of luck  | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 7/28/2009 10:46:32 AM | | for me only love can extinquish anger. the soft soothing voice that calms my rage and makes me forget past wrongs and feeds my on positive vision. | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 7/28/2009 11:13:41 AM | My gf just went to a funeral of an old friend. A while back his wife, who was incredibly beautiful left him for some rich guy, taking also his three boys. The guy never got over, and then projected the same to another girlfriend. When this girlfriend ditched him, he committed suicide.
The reason I say this is because if you let things build up inside they will destroy you. They will destroy you through anger, jealousy, pain. These cause tremendous stress to your body, and stress can cause depression, cancer, heart attacks, addictions, rheumatoid Arthritis, you name it.
So realize two things. You're a good looking woman. But you can get better, not for some dude but for yourself. Your own sexyness should be your own motivation. So hit the gym, hit the beach, hit the road, learn why some people put a sticker on their car that says 13.1. Then do it. To rebuild first you need to fall in love back with yourself. | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 7/28/2009 2:04:35 PM | Anger is a strong emotion which makes it hard to let go of. Everyone is different in how they deal with anger but this is how I usually tackle it.
The first thing to do is find the TRUE source of why your are angry. There can be many true reasons for your anger so you have to take them on individually. Once you find the true reason(s) you can then work on fixing it. A false anger might be something like "I hate where I live!" where the true reason is "I am having a hard time finding things that interest me where I live making it not an enjoyable area."
You will have to realize something things cannot be change and must simply be let go. These for me are usually the easiest to deal with, I simply stop being angry at those items. I know you are thinking it is not as easy as I am making it but it is. Every time you find yourself getting angry for that reason tell yourself "Stop it. This is out of my control and it makes no sense to waste time and energy on it." Eventually you will find yourself being less and less angry until one day it is gone.
For the reason you can fix, fix them. Take that energy being wasted by anger and turn it towards what needs to be fixed. I deal with motivational problems from time to time so I find these the hardest to deal with.
Here is an example of how I have dealt with some anger in my life. I HATED my wife was so negative on me trying to continue my passion for playing guitar. While on the surface she supported it, she had a very good way of undermining it. How did I fix this? Once I separated I started playing guitar again. I was able to put some serious effort into my playing/practicing. That sounds easy but it took a lot of effort for me to get back at it, it did not happen over night.
Again this relates to guitar. I have been playing on and off for 20+ years but you would think I have only been playing a couple years if you heard me play. It is a huge disappointment to me that I was never serious with it from day one. This is something I cannot change. I cannot go back in time and say "Hey you long hair punk, get serious with that thing!" I have learned not to dwell on the lost time but take that energy and use it to motivate me to practice more.
I hope this rambling helps you out. | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 7/28/2009 2:08:30 PM | Anger has to be recreated each time you have it. It's not something floating around that settles on you, or something ongoing that remains contained then comes out. It is an emotional response that you have from how you think about something.
In the wild, anger is a response to threat or pain. The purpose of anger is the physiological state of alarm that works well for either fighting or running away. Those are your choices when faced with threat and pain.
Now that humans have become intellectual and use language to explain themselves, there is an emotional version of anger that closely matches the more primitive and less verbal state. It works the same way. It's just that instead of reacting to an actual pain or threat, like a lion jumping at you or a snakebite, you're reacting to something you think inside your own mind. You're experiencing some thought of yours as a pain or a threat. It could be a memory, a frustration about your present situation, doubts about the future, or being at a loss to account the divorce in a way that doesn't make you look bad, to yourself or to others. Something in how you think of the divorce is provoking your emotions. Your thoughts are jabbing at your sore spot with a pointy stick.
To stop doing this to yourself, you can watch it happening and learn how it works. The best way to watch thoughts happen is to write them down, because otherwise they go by too fast and evade your ability to identify them. If you write down the thoughts that you have about the subject, you will notice some make you angry. Those are the ones to study a bit. Find out how your thoughts create your anger and then you can change the thoughts you have. For every cuplrit thought you discover on paper, write down a thought to replace it with. The replacement thought should be one that makes you happy, not angry. Once you have replaced your anger-producing thoughts with ones that tickle you pink, you'll no longer see red. | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 7/28/2009 8:41:49 PM | The 2nd post mentioned therapy...this could be your best option. Self-help and time can heal; however, sometimes self denial hides some of the issues that resurface due to certain triggers. Depending upon the type of person you are, your level of sensitivity...2 years may not be enough time to have healed all of the emotions.
Consider therapy and take care of yourself.
Peace. | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 7/28/2009 9:15:47 PM | It isn't what happened or what he did that's causing your anger. It's your BELIEF about what happened or what he did that creates it.
Question the belief and then ask yourself if what you believe is really true.
Some good work to do: Byron Katie...google her. She heads up a thing called "The Work" and I really enjoy her approach to resentment/anger.
You'll let it go when you are ready to let it go. But perhaps there are a few golden lessons to be learned before you do. See if there isn't some gold to mine inside of that rage you feel. It may point you to what lay beneath the anger, usually the pain we are trying not to feel. The hurt, the disappointment, the grief.
Be well...Good luck. | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 7/29/2009 4:34:14 AM | Thank u alI think u left no stone unturned. I'm sure you're all right w/ all the suggestions. The point was made about my son- 1/2 of him..omg what if I start to resent my boy unwillingly for this ???
I think ur all right about 'good' therapy - but I am thinking this is hard to find. Well- in Au anyway.
Again ty for taking the time I am very appreciative xx | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 7/29/2009 6:50:08 AM | I feel for you , Im going thru the same thing myself. What i have just realized is that you have to think about WHY the situation makes you so angry. What does it trigger? Memories from childhood or past relationships? Do some soul searching and praying (cant hurt!} . Then you have to release it, let it go, fill your life with posative enery, your son will appreciate it. Dont beat yourself up, what ever happened you cant change now, learn from it and release it. Not easy I know. Just look in your sons eyes and see the hope there. Best of luck to you!  | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 7/29/2009 8:45:52 AM | You don't "get over it". You channel it into something that yields a positive result, like exercise. Go kick a soccer ball around with your son Billy in a park or work out at a gym or something. Maybe you can mold your son into a better person than your ex. Teach him some discipline in an exercise regimen.
Exercise is what I do. Helps blow off steam and is a helluva lot of fun!!! | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 7/29/2009 9:13:54 AM | A lot of good advice in this thread. OP, read Dr. H. Lerner's book "Dance with Anger" - it will give you very practical advice to change the steps so you are able to park it. Seriously.
And wow, yes, we gift our children with both our wounds and our wisdom - so it is important to sort this out. | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 7/29/2009 3:16:48 PM | EXERCISE is a great way to get rid of the anger. Get on a treadmill and give yourself permission while there to think about it as much as you want, or while taking a fast walk.
Really let it go while you are walking or jogging. Physical release of anger will allow you to relax and let go of it. It needs to come out physically. | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 7/29/2009 3:58:42 PM | Forgiveness is truly a double-edged sword. It's one of the most difficult things in the world to do, but it's one of the most freeing. In order to move forward in life, you have to be willing to let go of the things you're holding onto that are holding you back. You have to want to be happy more than you want to be angry. Anger is seductive. It's hard to let go of. You have to be willing to relax and completely release yourself from everything.
I read a couple of books by the Dalai Lama that helped me quite a bit with getting rid of anger. It helped me find a peace I had never experienced. Perhaps you might look into that. | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 7/29/2009 4:11:04 PM | | Its tough to let go of the anger. If you werent angry youd be sad.us Just stay busy and have fun with your boy. | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 10/16/2009 10:17:07 PM | Being that you are a single mommy, it should be your top priority to work on this anger. I have a shitload of anger in myself too. Now as to how I deal with it without going over the deep end? I put on a pair of boxing gloves and start unloading on the punching bag.
Working out in a gym works wonders too. At the end of the night, I take a few minutes to thank the man upstairs for helping me keep my sanity. By then Im just about ready to drift off into dreamland while thinking happy thoughts.. | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 10/16/2009 11:50:56 PM | | have you tried massive amounts of sex and presents? it's hard to be angry when you're getting either one | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 10/17/2009 12:52:33 AM | Ok, best revenge is living well. You know that, yet are unable to live well because you are stressing.
Dump anger. How?
Give up on the idea of him? Let him live his life? Resolve to live yours?
His pleasures don't subtract from yours. There's an abundance of happiness out there. Your job is to grab your share of it. Nothing to do with him any more. Wish him well. Wish yourself better. Wish Billy best of all.
Billy wants a happy balanced mom. What will it take to give him this? Figure that out and give it to him. You owe him that. Happy balanced moms are so much better than sad angry ones. It's your duty to be happy. Thats how he wants to see you. Thats what makes Billy happiest of all - when mom's happy too. Otherwise you're cheating him by selfishly hanging on to unwanted stress.
Yeah, you don't know how. None of us do at first - and no-one can tell you the hows and whys of your own inner workings. Figure it out. Buy a book, maybe the Dalai Lama wrote one, maybe someone else wrote one, about happiness, about self fulfillment. I don't know, no-one else knows the secrets of how you tick.
Anger is ugly. You are not an ugly woman. Figure it out. Hey, maybe someone on POF will give you a clue. Who knows? | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 10/17/2009 8:27:59 AM | I guess it depends on what you went thru as to how long, and just as influential is if you are still having to have contact with the ex.. as that can often mean you aren't really two years out of anything. If you talked to him this week then you are less than a week out. It's a tough one for parents that you have to continue dealing with exes after really bad relationships until the kids are adults, you can't just up and move around the world and be done with them.
That said, finding someone completely different and moving on with life helps | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 10/17/2009 3:53:30 PM | When there is a distance between what we believe and what we live Suzette, we pain.
You're profile hints at a person who's just too pretty to have been dumped and discarded. You relate anger but no hurt, no mention of love's loss, no depth...
Anger is a response.
What are you angry about? Why are you angry? You don't give much to work with...
A bit of self-reflecti0n is in order.
ps, you're incorrect in your belief that you only hurt your self with your burden... you hint at knowing, but your there's a distance between what you write and your message. | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 10/17/2009 4:18:46 PM | Okay what I am going to say may sound contradictory but I hope you can understand. First of all, do not get rid of the anger. Use the anger to figure out what you need to figure out. Express it, do not let it bottle inside. Also explore all the other emotions such as fear, sadness, and so on. Look at those emotions, but here is what you need to do. First stop doing distorted thinking, which is filled with absolutes, blaming, "Look at what he Made me do", jealousy, and so on. There are very good books on that subject. In fact the book by the Venus Mars titles has one that I do recommend. But also recognize that some of the issues for the demise of your last relationship were caused by you. Look inside to the ME issues. YOu cannot change a thing about that other person. Not a thing. But you can change YOU. I mean he could have been a guy who cheated, lied, stole, whatever. And still you could find issues that are related to yourself, such as establishing boundaries, enabling, becoming isolated from the other person, communications and so forth.
In the end that is the only thing that you can change. Nothing else. And here's why is so important to do that. Whatever crap ended your relationship, unless the Me parts are resolved, you will repeat them again and again on the next relationships. | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 10/17/2009 4:30:23 PM | Consider your title... Parking the anger.
To park it implies putting it aside, perhaps to get it out of the way?
Why not deal with it and be done with it?
Some would be happy to be done with a relationship that had run its course.
Some would be ecstatic to get a chance to live authentically, honestly.
You're angry?! Curioser and curioser as we analyze... | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 10/17/2009 4:53:48 PM | The opposite of love is not hate ~ the opposite of love is apathy
Hate = passion | |
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| Parking the anger - HOW??!
Posted: 10/17/2009 5:40:11 PM | Jeebus....looking at your photo would be revenge enough...if I was your ex, my heart would ache looking at your photograph not to mention your sense of humour, I reckon you're a bit of a hoot.....heck, your effin normal!!!! He'd better have a lot of time on his hands as that combo is pretty darn hard to find.
Damn, if only I was not a bullshitter. | |
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