|Why?Page 1 of 3 (1, 2, 3)|
|I have been lurking around here for over a year, with little success. I know, ya gotta speak up... but there are some "common lines" I see that make me wonder..... |
How to turn off a guy on a dating site:
Making a statement that places the reader in a subservient or denigrated position:
a. 'God (or my children, or my work) is number one in my life. ' If you are looking for some kind of relationship, putting the responder way down your "do list" doesn't make them feel like the relationship is important to you.
b. 'I am totally independent. ' If you are that independent, what are you doing on the site?
c. 'don't contact me unless you can keep up with me' Finding a date or significant other isn't a race or contest...
d. 'must have income of xxxK per year' indicates that you are more interested in finding someone to support you than finding a relationship.
"Fudging the Facts"
a. Does ANYONE understand the difference between "athletic", "a few extra pounds", and "BBW"?
b. Absolutely lying about ANYTHING.
Posting your profile with no picture, but listing "you must have a pic". Seems pretty selfish, right? Even more upsetting is posting a picture from your senior prom when you are over 40... or even worse, a picture that isn't even yours.
Posted: 7/28/2009 2:25:08 PM
|yep bandaid 64 i agree...by the way this is kat, bdaddy is sharing...ya know i was on this site for over 3 years...although i met some absolutely great people, finding one that mixed well with me was way harder than i thought at first...i got the interest of many men but there was just always something missing...lol, like truth, integrity, and just plain ole being real...crazy thing was the ones that were real, somehow became my friend, yet still left me wanting...then i met someone at a pof party...mind you that i always was either accompanied by one of my kids, friends, or siblings...and i basically went to dance, laugh, talk and be merry...in fact i was soooo not even expecting it, miss moon, a friend of mine, had to tell me...hey kat, that guy is gagagoogoo over you...before i even noticed...so don't give up...be the man, women love it...although we usually don't like to admit it, it's a total turn on when the man is the one doing the chasing...some might turn you down, that's ok...cause the one that will curl your toes is out there, just waiting for you to come along |
Posted: 7/29/2009 4:20:46 AM
|bandit, i agree 100 percent. hey, i know im extremely fat. but i know what you mean. i did meet one fella that said he was athletic, and he had the biggest beer belly i've ever seen on a man. he looked 9 months pregnant. i would say he was about 75 pounds overweight. so then how is that athletic??? |
Posted: 7/29/2009 7:41:36 AM
|Sounds like his "athleticism" was lifting 16 ouncers every day after work.....|
Posted: 7/29/2009 10:59:49 AM
|I have to say that most of your annoyances about women can be said about the men on here too LOL. Granted I haven't been here as long. I've only been on here for a couple of months. But I have noticed many of the same things in my profile browsing. I have met a couple of nice people and ironically reconnected with a couple that I have known in the past so we'll see what the future brings :)|
Posted: 7/29/2009 11:19:33 AM
|Lying about anything is a definite deal-breaker. I've had it explained that people lie to get in the door with someone they feel otherwise would never want to meet.|
But when you lie, you've already made the assumption that your future partner is so shallow that he or she wouldn't meet you in the first place. Not only are you lying about yourself, you're putting down the people you want to meet.
Dishonesty is both the ultimate expression of narcissism and an admission of a lack of self-confidence. Neither is particularly attractive to a potential match.
Posted: 7/29/2009 3:04:32 PM
|I don't search for guys on here..but just spot checked and came up on this little ditty..|
"1. No women with kids unless they are grown up.
2. Please be educated must have a bachelors degree at minimal.
3. If you cannot cook or do not like to, please move on, I will SHARE this task but I do not want to be the sole cook, it may be 2009 but I am not going to be Uncle Ben.
4. Must be capable of acting appropriately in group outing/settings. Good dresser +.
5. High maintenance, egotistical snotty women are not needed here, they are usually airheads. Go find yourself another sucker.
6. Ideally catholic however one of the main christian religions such as anglican or orthodox, or Judaism works in that my cultural/religious values tend to be Judeo-Christian. (Respect and accept all but be true to oneself).
6. Good lover, good vocabulary, compassion for children and the elderly a must.
7. Want to play games or headgames, visit MGM, Caesar's or Motor City, or a bingo hall in Windsor.
Posted: 7/30/2009 3:35:11 PM
|Yeah that one is a real "quality control" nut, 2cents.... |
At least, I guess, we can give that author credit for putting his "requirements" on the line.
And to the other responders on here... I don't mean to single out the ladies with my OP... I don't often read the guy's side cuz I am 100% hetero... but if the shoe fits...
Posted: 7/30/2009 3:45:26 PM
|Here is my favorite and yes, it has happened 100% of the time with any man that has contacted me cold, as in we haven't been exchanging communication back and forth in threads.|
One of the first things on their profile is...Must be Honest
And the first thing every single one of them do is lie to me. It always comes out in subsequent emails and as soon as it does, they never email back and always alude to it being because they aren't interested. They don't say that, but that is the message they try to send. What kind of message is this sending women??? I ask you, what???
Are there any honest men that are in reality and not expecting a Marilyn Monroe movie character? ie: dumb gorgeous woman that will lick your feet and never have an opinion. I have to be HONEST. I am not meeting any here. I am not saying you don't exist, because I know you do, but for some reason none of you contact me. I just don't get it, but I am not here to find a husband anyway. A friend is GREAT, but even that seems impossible. The really great ones I do talk to are so far away that it doesn't count. I am talking Michigan.
Most people just aren't in reality anymore, men and women, and would prefer to be alone than to be real.
Posted: 7/30/2009 4:32:16 PM
|I would like to say one more thing.|
To me it seems logical that if someone says he/she is interested in you, wants to meet, thinks you would be a good match BUT he/she is not interested in being your friend first, then they aren't interested in you. It is all about sex, or just getting the date, or just getting to go out. It isn't YOU that they have a real interest in if they don't want to you as a friend.
At least that is the way I see it.
Posted: 7/30/2009 7:15:42 PM
I have to be HONEST. I am not meeting any here. I am not saying you don't exist, because I know you do, but for some reason none of you contact me.
Have you tried contacting them first? I know that might seem like a silly question, but you'd be surprised at how many women do not contact men first. I guess they want the perfect man to chase after them. That may seem very romantic, and "take charge", but it's kind of like planning to retire by Publisher's Clearinghouse showing up at your doorstop with a big check.
Posted: 7/30/2009 7:58:14 PM
|Well Bundy, first let me say thank you for not throwing out some nasty, rude, demeaning, remark to me. I appreciate that. It seems to be the pat response on here when a woman doesn't drool over a man.|
Second. When I first signed up here a year and a half ago, I contacted a few men first, just because I liked their profiles and told them so. It wasn't because I made a decision they were the one and I was after them. All I wanted to do was say, "Hey, great profile!" Some wrote back and said thanks, and some didn't.
I generally don't even look at profiles, but on occasion I see a pic pop up on the top of my screen that looks like it may have similar interests to mine, (yes, that can happen) then I look, but since I am not here to find a date, or a relationship, it isn't often that I look or contact.
I learned pretty fast that this is not the way to look for a relationship. There is so much negativity here and so few serious lookers that are in reality that it is 1000 times harder than finding a needle in a haystack. I will stick to face to face relationships. Though I admit, not being from Michigan and not having family here, pretty much leaves me out of luck in this state. People are so close to family here that they very much distrust outsiders. Besides that, I am so totally different than people here, because my experiences are different, that it is pretty much a lost cause. The few men I have dated here have been in my same boat and the relationships were good, just not meant for marriage.
I have chatted for 5 of the 7 years I have lived here and gone to many events with the chat club I belonged to and it was always negative and drama. All of the men were stepping on each other to get to the women that made a big show of making sure everyone knew they were willing to have sex with anyone. It isn't a good way to meet people, except for the very rare meant to be's.
As much as there are so many things I love about this state and came here for, I will have to leave it if I want a chance at a relationship. I have accepted that. I am different than Michiganders. For me it is like living in a foreign country and I get treated that way. You can say it is all my own doing all you want, either way, that is the way it is.
I wrote what I wrote above because that is my experience on here. It is a two way street. I don't think I am ugly and I know I am not stupid, but if you saw the men that contact me, you would think I must be the scum of the world. It is pretty frightening. That tells me that men are not in reality and I cannot change that. Yes, many women are the same, I know.
For instance, I have a friend on here who has a really skinny face, but she has big hips, but her picks only show the skinny face, even though she has "a few extra pounds" on her profile. She always talks to the men like she is ready to jump into bed the first minute they meet. She doesn't, she is just extrememly flirty. She is one of those that gets over 100 messages a day. Sometimes she has gotten 300. She has on average 3 dates a week from here, but could have more. She has been on here for 4 years and so far with ALLLLL of those dates, not one has led to a second date. Why? Her hips. They always say to her, I thought you were skinny. I have personally watched her tell men she isn't skinny before they meet. Her hips aren't all THAT big and she is very attractive and fun. So people cannot say my estimation of how things are on here is wrong and all in my head, but I am sure plenty will.
I don't know how she keeps taking it. She has had so many dates here that I have met a good many and they make me sick! Some have even tried to get me to go to a hotel with them after they leave her. They have made a pass at me in her own home! All men will say they are not this way and most women will agree, but I know 18 women on here, and every one has the same experience with the way men treat them here. Those kinds of statistics are not a lie or an illusion.
All I can say is good luck to all of you and congratulations to the few that get a good relationship experience here. I have at least made good friends from around the world here, just nowhere near Michigan!
Posted: 7/30/2009 8:35:04 PM
|Hmmm. Sorry you've had such a bad experience. I think you're correct that you can't rely on this site as a sole source of meeting people. I think it's best used as a supplement to real life interactions.|
Your friend may be getting the shaft because of her pic alone. If a guy sees a "thin" looking woman in a pic, and it turns out she is kind of hefty in reality, then the guy might feel like she lied in a way. I'm not saying she did anything wrong, just saying how guys could interpret it.
However, 150+ dates and never a second date? To be honest, it sounds like your friend has some serious issues to never get a second date with even a single one of those guys.
I'm not sure I understand your feelings toward Michigan folks. I never really noticed that Michiganders shun someone in the way you describe, but that could be because I was born and raised here.
It sounds like you've pretty much given up on dating, tho. I won't insult your intelligence with worthless advice on how attitude can impact relationships. Instead I'll just wish you luck.
Posted: 7/30/2009 9:27:37 PM
|Well Bundy, you are the most kind and certainly what seems to be the most sociable guy I have ever seen here, so I have to believe you are intelligent too.|
Though, you did allude to the very things I expected, but since you handled those things respectfully, I will not let that sway my opinion of you.
There is a difference in bad attitude and plain reality. My attitude is pretty good actually, but when you add up the hundreds of experiences here from myself and many other women I know of first hand, to have a really optimistic thrilled at my prospects here attitude, would just be ignorant stupidity. It would be like the dummy that keeps touching that flaming hot burner.
I am nearly 50. I have been married and I have known some excellent men. I also turned a few too many down for years after my divorce because I wasn't ready. Despite the negative overtones of my story above, I am no whiner. Truth is truth, just because it isn't your truth, doesn't mean it isn't absolute reality. My friend is not what you imply either, she is just a normal woman. More flirty perhaps than what I would be, but normal nonetheless. She doesn't fully understand that men take her flirtiness as a full on invitation. Her profile even clearly states that her only interest is finding a man that wants marriage and will be a good father to her small child. She says no one night stands. As I said, she is fully honest on her profile and when she talks to them and anyway she is not heavy. It is just the type of men that mostly inhabit these sites. They are just looking for one night stands and will play any game just to get what they want. The men that aren't that way do not contact women first much, so how can we find them? They do not make that step and go on a date, because they are afraid the woman may not be perfect. They tend to be very negative.
In my own personal experience I get men contacting me that do not appear to bathe and whose faces cannot be seen because they do not shave and they cannot even use capitals, punctuation, form a sentence, or spell. They talk about how their dogs have run of the house and how I need to be okay with a little dog hair and smell. Have they read my profile, I wonder. Whatever is it that makes them think an educated woman who clearly bathes would walk into that? I have had what seems like great normal guys, who tell me after several emails how much they want to get to know me and how they think I am who they have been looking for and then want me to come to their house on the first meeting. I say it has to be somewhere else and they stop emailing.
Some of my friends on here get scary young dopers with tattoos that expect a woman to take care of them. The types we get contacted by never seem to be appropriate and everyone just tells women it is their fault. Why is it never a problem with the men or their attitude? Am I the only one that always hears it is something I am doing wrong?
Posted: 7/30/2009 10:05:54 PM
|There are plenty of guys on here who are dirtbags, very true. They are looking for sex and send out maybe dozens of e-mails a day knowing that they will get maybe one date for every hundred e-mails. It's a pure numbers game for some, I'm sure.|
I do feel where you're coming from. I receive maybe one email a month, sometimes none at all. I rarely send out e-mails because I usually get no response, and it seems futile at times. I'm not gonna give up, though, and I hope you don't either. Plenty of guys on here have the exact same complaints. They are not getting the responses they desire. It would be easy for me to become one of those bitter, negative men you talked about.
I wouldn't tell you that it's all your fault, and that it's always you doing something wrong, I don't know you. But if a lot of people are telling you that then perhaps consider what they are saying.
Posted: 7/31/2009 6:41:28 AM
|You did it again!|
The only people that say it is always the womans fault are all you men on here! No one else. And you just repeated, yet again.
You admit you do not email first and expect women to do it, because you don't get responses. You admit it.
So, like all the rest, it is always a womans fault. I and all other women on here are supposed to just suck up the total crap we get on here and email more men first, while you men ball up in a cave because you don't get crap, you get no response. Therein lies the problem, once again, it is all laid on the woman.
If you are expecting a date or to find your soulmate on here, but you aren't going to email many or any women, just remember this exchange 4 years from now as you sit there blaming the women for not emailing you.
And yes, this does totally pertain to the OP and his opening statement...He is criticising, but he openly says he has been lurking, not actively participating. I agree there are a lot of unfit women here, as well as unfit men, but he dang sure hasn't looked at enough profiles, or using any positive attitude if all he sees are the profiles of unfit women. Perhaps he could look a little deeper, as you men expect us to do, and see that some of the women he feels are unfit are just women tired of being stepped on and used.
Posted: 7/31/2009 9:11:18 AM
|Please, reconsider what I've said. I'm not laying the blame on women for my being single. In fact, I'm not complaining about it at all. Just explaining why I personally don't send out very many e-mails on PoF. |
I do not "expect" the woman to e-mail first, you're getting all fired up about something I never said.
I did not mean to infer that it's always the woman's fault when it comes to dating troubles, either. What I'm saying is that if everyone I know is saying I have bad breath, then am I going to get all defensive and say it's always other people with the problem? Perhaps I just have bad breath (I don't, btw, lol) Maybe that's a poor example, but hopefully you understand the point I'm trying to make.
If you mean that just in general people always blame the women, then I agree that's foolish. However, to take your own advice, if someone is not satisfied with the responses they get, and not willing to make the first move, then who else is to blame? Man or woman, it doesn't matter.
The point I was trying to make, is it more likely that every one of the dozens (maybe hundreds?) of guys your friend has dated has been a complete loser who didn't want a second date, or could the problem just plain be with your friend? Not a even a single second date from all the multitude makes me wonder if she's got a caustic attitude, grotesque physical defect, or something....
Again, I'm not saying you should e-mail anyone at all. If you want to find a potential partner on this site, though, you may want to consider it.
I understand you're seemingly upset about PoF, but please don't misquote what I've said.
Posted: 7/31/2009 9:22:28 AM
|One of the biggest problems is that too many people can't seem to accept that others have different preferences, objectives, agendas and/or reasons for being here. While we may not understand or agree with a persons reason for being here or their preferences we should respect their rights and choices. We also need to realize that just because someone may appear to have to qualities we are looking for and meet our preferences that we don't qualify as a possible match for them. We all expect our preferences to be respected, we need to extend that same respect to others. |
Is it wrong for a person to lie, deceive, misrepresent or use others to achieve what they want? Absolutely it's wrong, but it's our responsibility to protect ourselves from people who do those things, many of whom have perfected the art of disguising a lie as the truth. Even the liars will want someone who is honest, they don't want to be beat at their own game and get used by someone else.
I have been used in the past like many others. I don't place the blame on the person who used me though, I place the blame on myself for allowing it happen.
Posted: 7/31/2009 9:49:40 AM
|Very good points, too, John.|
Bundy, maybe you are just skimming what I am writing and missing the point. I am not all fired up, just amazed at what you seem to be ignoring or missing - THE MOST IMPORTANT POINTS.
I have told you several times now that my friend is honest, normal, normal looking, yet you keep getting worse and worse about being sure she has a defect and is now grotesque.(???) I am not blind just because she is my friend. I am quite able to be non-biased. Maybe she has had a few second dates, but a rare few, BECAUSE THE MEN ONLY WANTED SEX. They had no intention of knowing her. So it was her choice not to have the second. And I might add that most of them wanted FREAKY stuff too. And do you remember that most of the ones I met were trying to set something up with me afterwards???
Again, I have said over and over that it is *only* MEN ON HERE that keep saying it is the women (when I say me it is because it has been said to me personally) that need to change, never them. Yet you keep insisting that since EVERYONE I KNOW keeps telling me I am the fault of this then I need to listen. Who needs to listen?
Bundy, as nice as you seem you can be, apparently three times is not enough to get through to you. And you are one of the nicest guys from Michigan I have talked to on here.....sheesh. And you would wonder why I would give up as long as I am in Michigan.
The bottom line of the whole point I have been making here is that you guys complain a lot and some of the reasons are valid. I was saying maybe you need to look in hte mirror, but was trying to give you actual valid reasons for me saying this, rather than just saying, "Point the finger back at yourself, buddy." But nooooooooooo, again a man is turning it into, "It is YOU the WOMAN who is the fault." I don't know why I would try. I should have know better.
I don't understand how it is that so many men, my sons, my brother, many friends and even men that were strangers can tell me that when I have tried to explain the issues and differences that frustrate them, between men and women, that they have made a break-through in their understanding and how it has helped them tremendously, but on here and with Michigan men in general, it is like talking to a man that only speaks Korean, but knows 10 English words. It is a mystery I am sure I will never understand.
Posted: 7/31/2009 10:16:08 AM
But nooooooooooo, again a man is turning it into, "It is YOU the WOMAN who is the fault."
You're talking about me when you say this? I'm not sure why, as if your friend was a guy I would say the same thing.
Obviously we are not getting our points across in the way we want, so we'll just agree to disagree.
Still, best of luck to you in your search, be it here in MI or elsewhere. I do understand your frustration, it's hard for most of us on PoF to find what we are looking for. I'm a bit of an optimist though, and believe I will one day find that special someone, so I'm not gonna throw in the towel just yet.
Also, sorry to the OP for dragging his thread off-topic. One of my pet peeves in a profile is it seems like a lot of women have pics of themselves in a bar holding a drink, which is kind of a turnoff to those of us who aren't much of a drinker. Just kind of gives off a 'barfly' vibe.
Posted: 8/7/2009 6:09:57 AM
|bundy, i think that same thing when i've seen the male profiles and all the pictures are of the guy in bars and every picture they have a female friend hanging on them. it may be an ego boost, but kind of a turnoff to have drinks in your hands in all pics and bar babes on your shoulder LOL|
Posted: 8/8/2009 8:19:51 PM
|I think most of us who have been here a while are cynical. I thought that meeting someone on the internet was a bad way of meeting someone when I first came here and I believe it even more now. It is just awkward. Although everyone seems to know people who met on-line and are head over heels in love. I knew I didn't have a chance here when I saw that you had to have a Harley or a boat according to most womens profiles. I have no problem with women listing that God is number one in their life. I think He should be. Unfortunately for me, they also think a smoker like myself is not worthy to meet. A little bit self-righteous I guess. At any rate, if you don't have high expectations, POF is pretty cool..lol.|
Posted: 8/9/2009 10:07:33 AM
|yeah, the harley dudes probably get all the babes. i don't have a boat either, lol. im not good looking either. but im also not a serial dater and try to date everyone in site. one day i know i'll find her|
Posted: 8/9/2009 11:39:32 AM
|I don't know that I feel the need to stand up and defend the women on POF as a group, but I can state the thoughts that pop into my own mind...|
I've been on POF for only a short time, but I'm still waiting for a man to be the first to contact me.
I have to admit, I enjoy some of the pictures of matches and I have sent emails to say hello and let the man know I enjoyed seeing his posted pic. Some never respond back. A surprising number of men sent a terse response basically telling me they are not interested in dating me... not that I mentioned a date to begin with. Only one has written back and thanked me for the compliment... but went on to say he is taking a break from dating for the summer to be with his son.
Is it wrong to let someone know that you enjoyed a photograph? I like photography and think it is a nice gesture to let people know you enjoyed what they posted. And yes, I've sent notes to a couple of the gals on here as well. I get nasty responses from them too...geez I'm not trying to date them, just say I liked the picture and good luck on the site! Why are people so suspicious these days?
Maybe I'm just slow on the upsweep... is it coming on to someone to tell them this? If so, why are so many people angered by such a simple and innocent compliment? I don't mind being the first to say hello. But I don't like getting slapped down just for being friendly. So, all said and done, I have stopped emailing anyone about anything and contain myself to posting on threads.
Thanks for letting me vent!!
Posted: 8/9/2009 12:32:57 PM
|bandaid....You are absolutely right about the womens profiles on here. I have read some that just floored me (and yes i do read some womens profiles while i stroll thru the forums)!! I can truly see and understand where some of you men are coming from ~ ive seen it myself. |
For me personally, ive only seen 2 male profiles that i can think of off hand that made me raise my eyebrow and think 'You have GOT to be kidding!!" with their 'demands' and what they are looking for. But for the most part, most that ive seen have been pretty decent/reasonable. As far as email, ive received only 2 rude emails in my time here; one called me a B*tch and the other was too pushy (tho he did apologize in another email). I do send email to men but mine are mostly to compliment on a great profile and to wish them luck (even tho i feel we arent matches, some do have really good profiles). Ive gotten nice replies back and one 'read deleted'.