| The hardest situation I have ever been in
Posted: 7/28/2009 6:00:19 PM | Ok so I guess this falls under this forum So heres my story:
I am dating a guy I have been with for a year and 3 months & I love him more than anything but he's had a hard life... He had a baby with a girl who left him and married a new guy and put his name on the birth certificate! Long story short he has barely seen his daughter for the past 2 years! He has mentioned before that the mom gets jealous when he has a gf bc she wants him as a backup plan! Well now she just got a divorce and Im so worried she will come around asking for him back! We have talked about it and he says he doesnt know what he would do and hopes hes not put in that situation bc on one hand he would be with a terrible woman but see his daughter everyday and on the other he would be with a woman he loves and have to still wait around for the money to get court fees to get his daughter! I understand he wants to see his daughter but he CAN have both me and his daughter if he waits it out for the money! Its just so hard waiting around for the possibility of losing someone you love! I just dont know what to do! | |
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| The hardest situation I have ever been in
Posted: 7/28/2009 6:07:03 PM | That is very difficult..
I assume he told you this from the inset of your relationship regarding his daughter that is...
There is nothing you can do... in regards to talking him out of anything if that day does arrive..
You can, help him raise the money though but I am not clear if you are saying he is only asking for 50/50 - access, or full custody....
You do know that even if he gets 50/50 this lady will then be in his life again anyway whether he/or you like that or not....
Perhaps that's the only way of explaining it to him....
He will not ever get her out of the picture and I think every Dad deserves the right to see their child, patience sometimes is the best method of getting what you want in life...
So if he went back he has to live with her - but sees his child.
If he goes to Court he will see his child - but still have to see her.
It makes no difference - she will always be in the picture so ask him therefore, if it's worth losing you when he's going to be successful one way or the other if he is just patient. | |
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| The hardest situation I have ever been in
Posted: 7/28/2009 6:47:00 PM | I could be totally wrong with my perception of this whole thing...but...
There's a lot going on here. You, the ex, the daughter and him.
Sounds like your boyfriend still has some unresolved feelings toward the mother of his daugher and his name ought to on the birth certificate if he is indeed the father.
You are selling yourself short and so is he. Your boyfriend is holding his daughter that he barely knows over your head. The fact that he even told you his ex gets jealous when he has a new girlfriend is a huge clue as to what is going on here. So what? Too darn bad about that IF he doesn't give a rat's azz about her. I fear he does.
Your boyfriend needs to make a decision about what he's going to do about his daughter whether you are in life or not. You are not the stumbling block and neither is his daughter. He's being immature and using every excuse he can think of not to take responsiblility for his life, past, present and future.
You are in love but I wonder if he is. This is no way to live. You're going to have this ex hanging over your head forever if you let him continue to do it.
My two sense.
All the best to you. | |
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| The hardest situation I have ever been in
Posted: 7/28/2009 7:31:27 PM | Your boyfriend is not on loan to you. He is your boyfriend and if you are going to start being insecure then you might as well send him to his baby's momma.
Unless he can prove that his daughter's mother is unfit, he will have a hard time getting custody of her. Also, he is sounds like he wants to be with the mother of his child when you said that he would be with a terrible woman just so that he could see his daughter everyday. I'm sorry, but I don't know of any man who would go with a woman that ran off while she was pregnant with his child and then gets married to someone else. Then again, I don't know of any woman who would run off if she were truly pregnant by the man she says is the father of the baby.
That is the stupidest thing that I have heard, of him waiting around for "money" to get his daughter. Like I said, he would have to prove the mother is unfit. Then if he cannot come up with any money to PAY HIS COURT FEES then how will he care for his daughter?
I have a sneaking suspicion that you are being strung along. No man gets put into a situation of going back to a woman that ran off on him while she was pregnant unless he WANTS TO. Somehow, I don't think he has your best interest in mind. | |
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| The hardest situation I have ever been in
Posted: 7/28/2009 8:05:20 PM | Money need not be an issue. The county in which you live, Madison, has a network of attorneys that do pro bono (as in "free") work in cases involving custody (and other matters).
Call The Madison County Pro Bono Program at 765-644-2816.
Good luck. | |
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| The hardest situation I have ever been in
Posted: 7/28/2009 9:18:50 PM | Sweetheart, you're beautiful, young and full of life. If he does go back, he was meant to and you were meant to find someone much better for you.
Personally, from what you share about his reservations as to what he would do, it doesn't sound at all like you are in a relationship with a man who is emotionally secure.
My wish for you is that you will find a man who is.
And I hope he gets his stuff with his daughter worked out but this doesn't sound like it will be a positive relationship for you. I think you deserve a fresh start. | |
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| The hardest situation I have ever been in
Posted: 7/29/2009 3:51:32 AM |
Money need not be an issue. The county in which you live, Madison, has a network of attorneys that do pro bono (as in "free") work in cases involving custody (and other matters).
Call The Madison County Pro Bono Program at 765-644-2816.
Good luck.
Thanks for your input but I live in Kosciusko County IN and he lives in Polk County FL | |
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| The hardest situation I have ever been in
Posted: 7/29/2009 4:01:29 AM | You know then, you can google "pro bono" lawyers in your state, or get on the phone and call them all...
I think the effort msskarly put in was beautiful...
I have to say because you didn't answer about a previous poster after me about him "making up-front excuses to you" making you "aware" of what he might do, meaning he has thought long and hard and would and might dislike her but also there is a history and might actually like her "balls" so to speak..
I am wondering truthfully, if he has every intention now...
If he is not trying to warn you.
Or he is obsessed and he will just to see his child, without being logicall and locating a "pro bono" lawyer or you for that matter, are you frightened to voice your opinion to him in fear of losing him, rather only try to point out what he would miss if he did? | |
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| The hardest situation I have ever been in
Posted: 7/29/2009 4:07:53 AM |
You know then, you can google "pro bono" lawyers in your state, or get on the phone and call them all...
I think the effort msskarly put in was beautiful...
I have to say because you didn't answer about a previous poster after me about him "making up-front excuses to you" making you "aware" of what he might do, meaning he has thought long and hard and would and might dislike her but also there is a history and might actually like her "balls" so to speak..
I am wondering truthfully, if he has every intention now...
If he is not trying to warn you.
Or he is obsessed and he will just to see his child, without being logicall and locating a "pro bono" lawyer or you for that matter, are you frightened to voice your opinion to him in fear of losing him, rather only try to point out what he would miss if he did?
I have pointed out what he might miss if he did & I also pointed out that being with the biological mom may not be the best thing for his daughter! My biological parents were together but didnt love each other and only stayed with each other bc of me and my sister.. they never voiced it but deep down my sister and I knew! I told him how bad it sucks to live in a situation like that... yet he's still unsure! | |
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| The hardest situation I have ever been in
Posted: 7/29/2009 4:17:59 AM | I get all of that, i understand your pain...
I can feel that your confused and batting for well, you.... him....you together.
But, you posed a question and there are answers...
I understand your pointing out " what he might miss... his ex not being the best thing for his daughter ( you are) , your stance on your experience, which does not reflect everyone in life, our parents and those before were way old fashioned, they stayed for the children, today it is different.
It hurt you badly and you can't fathom seeing it again.
Your not SEEING this is a different world, life, situation and not family................
He has different views and no matter what your stance is from past hurt, it will not sway him from seeing it "his way" you both see it differently.
If you want to succeed?
Stand by him and tell him that no matter what decision he makes you will stand by it and tell him you know, your self worth and what you personally deserve out of life, if he chooses to go back, he always had that thought, he wasn't ready for a relationship and he still has a feel for that life, before you.... so be it, baggage, it happens... nothing you can do.
I do feel for you but your seeing one side and one side only ....yours. | |
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| The hardest situation I have ever been in
Posted: 7/29/2009 6:07:47 AM |
he lives in Polk County FL
Then your boyfriend will want to call the Lakeland Bar Association, which services Polk County. Ask for a referral to the local pro bono network.
Phone: (863) 619-7160 | |
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| The hardest situation I have ever been in
Posted: 7/29/2009 6:31:13 AM | | You are a very kind, caring person, he knows it and needs you to ground him. But.... even though you love him, he has things going on in his life that are not things that you can be apart of. You need to let him go ... to sort out his life, the true eaning of love, you will release him of the pressure of wanting to please you and everyone else. IF he comes back it should be when he is ready to work on your future together, not on past problems that he is still trying to resolve. Do the right thing for yourself and him. Let him go sort out this life, then if he wants and you are still avail. after things are sorted, when he is ready to work on a future with you, then he can pursue a realtionship with you. angel: | |
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| The hardest situation I have ever been in
Posted: 7/29/2009 3:16:39 PM | How sad.
You're 20 years old "in love with" a guy you've been since you were a teenager. He has a child he never sees, a woman who plays evil games with their child, a drama going on that will probably continue for 15+ more years.....
and for you he is IT?
And to top it all off, "he says he doesnt know what he would do" when his baby mama wants him back.
I don't know why you choose to waste any more of your life with this loser. | |
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| The hardest situation I have ever been in
Posted: 7/29/2009 3:56:55 PM | It sounds like he is pre-warning you that he may in fact, return to his daughter's mother OP. There are a number of options that would allow him to have access to his daughter without having to contemplate a return to someone who ostensibly "hurt him" so I have to wonder why that possibility is even on the table? It doesn't sound good where you and he are concerned.
If I were you, I'd already be drawing certain conclusions from the information his ponderings about what to do is giving you. Between the lines, it sounds like he's still quite drawn to the woman.
You need to do everything you can to detach from him and his situation. While you're detached, you need to decide if it's okay with you to be one in a list of options rather than his main priority. I doubt he'd like it much if the situation was reversed.
Get out of the "compassion" mode and take a good objective look at what is truly happening here. You may be hurt by what you see but at least, you will be able to start detaching and getting your own life together.
Being "reactive" and waiting around to be hurt is not responsible where your own feelings are concerned. I think it's far better to be proactive and remove yourself so that he can get his life AND his priorities straightened out. | |
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| The hardest situation I have ever been in
Posted: 7/29/2009 9:39:30 PM | So its a long distance relationship from Florida to Indiana? You sure won' t have much control over what happens with him. He's in a world of hurt and probably will be for years. And he seems to not be that attached to you or care much for your feelings about this issue.
Aren't there any good men in Indiana? Check out your options there--you're too cute to not be out and having fun and not worrying about this guy's nearly impossible situation. | |
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| The hardest situation I have ever been in
Posted: 7/31/2009 7:20:34 PM | | Reading between the lines here, what he's saying to you is that he would consider going back to his ex-wife so he can be with his daughter. However, it doesn't sound to me as if he's ever given up on this woman. I can understand you being anxious. I don't think this is particularly to do with his wanting to be with his daughter though that's obviously very important to him. I doubt most men would go back to an ex for that reason; they would fight for custody instead. This is not out of his hands at all, he just hasn't given up on his ex-wife. I can see how you got into this situation, as he seemed to be free, but I think if it was me, I'd be getting out of this relationship if he's talking like that. It seems very hurtful to you. He could be making you feel secure and loved but he is not. He is still wrapped up in his feelings for his ex. | |
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| The hardest situation I have ever been in
Posted: 7/31/2009 11:39:10 PM | Honey oh my god your so young 20 years old? You don't need this drama. How do you "date" when he lives in another state?
He's had a hard life? Oh come on! Whoa is me like there aren't thousands of men and woman in the same boat in this country. This is not a unique situation. Granted it sucks and I feel your pain hurt confusion but in the grand scheme of things I understand this is really tough for you especially since your so young and don't have a lot of life experience.
Of course you feel like crap. This guy is keeping you hanging with the threat of him leaving you for his ex. He's clearly ambivalent about his feelings period. This guy needs to grow up and figure out what he wants. Why are you with someone who isnt sure what he wants I say let go and move on.
Living life in a state of worry is not living! The fact that his ex gets "jealous" that he has a girlfriend ( which is soooo lame). If hes any kind of man and if he truly cares about you he will not string you along like this!
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| The hardest situation I have ever been in
Posted: 8/1/2009 12:05:35 AM |
I have been doing a TON of kind things for him & have been very supportive of him after he lost his job but he does not do anything in return.. Same guy? So on top of all this he has no job? | |
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| The hardest situation I have ever been in
Posted: 8/1/2009 12:13:01 AM | Ouch.
Dating people with young kids is always a challenge.
I guess my advice would be to access if you truely think this guy would cheat on you / leave you. If you really think so, then just end it now and save yourself some pain later on. There's not alot you can do in this situation. | |
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| The hardest situation I have ever been in
Posted: 8/1/2009 2:31:49 AM | No clue where you got the quote Landra. OP post that has since been deleted?
Anyhow, added to that quote, OP, of your having done a ton of kind things for him and he does nothing in return? Tears into your self-esteem and sense of self-worth = too high a price.
Just reading your first post where she gets jealous of his having a g/f because she has him as a back up plan, and he's unsure if he would go back to her (never mind the excuse as to why) my first thought was: They are each other's back up plan.
Either he's too stupid...  Or, he's slick, which is so too easy living 1,000 away, and you're being played; possibly always have been.
Which ever it is: Send him a kiss, sincerely wishing him, his baby, and baby's mama's drama well, and cut 'im loose.
You're only 20, gorgeous, and so much life ahead of you!  | |
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| The hardest situation I have ever been in
Posted: 8/1/2009 1:40:36 PM | Karly,
You are so young and those years are precious. Don't spend them on someone who is not in love with you. If he has doubts as to whether or not he will return to his wife after ALL she has done, then you need to move on.
I know it is hard, but it is the best thing for you.
Good luck | |
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| The hardest situation I have ever been in
Posted: 8/3/2009 8:17:31 AM | You are in love with a man you could lose to another woman at any minute.
I wouldn't wait around to see if he goes back to another woman.
I would be out there trying to find someone who knows he only wants me. | |
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