| Attraction and Reality
Posted: 7/29/2009 1:52:53 PM | Tall, dark and handsome? Or blonde, buxom and bimbo? I hope I can be forgiven for the female one because there is not one that I am aware of. Is there?
No matter what floats your boat exactly in the looks department, what happens if we look back at our PAST relationships? Although a taller, darker haired lady would fit a couple of my preferences, I have yet to find both of those in one woman and it's all a package deal anyway, right?
Any of you had a relationship with someone who came close to your "ideal" in the looks or body department? In the end, did it make any difference no matter how attractive you thought they were, in being able to cut them LOOSE?
It's so easy to check profiles here for free and at so little cost in time. Anyone else here feel that the ease and simplicity of it it tends to distort REALITY? | |
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| Attraction and Reality
Posted: 7/29/2009 1:57:04 PM | would you feel better to pay 20 dollars a month to find people with no forum to discuss issues!
i have come close to my ideals with women but i find sometimes i can't take the unexpected or lack of certain qualities so yeah it is really confusing to figure out what i want in a person til i meet them | |
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| Attraction and Reality
Posted: 7/29/2009 1:58:30 PM | I don't have a type, looks-wise. People in my life have all looked different.
But I know a man who dates the "same" woman over and over:
10-20 years younger, petite/frail/skinny, dark hair, not particularly attractive, emotionally defective. | |
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| Attraction and Reality
Posted: 7/29/2009 1:59:28 PM | | Out of the guys that I have dated/kissed/almost dated, I'd say only one comes remotely close to my absolute ideal of physical perfection. As always, I think you HAVE to be attracted to the person, BUT I think people can have a much broader scope of what they find attractive than "hot girl model a" and "hot guy model a". | |
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| Attraction and Reality
Posted: 7/29/2009 2:00:21 PM | | Only if you haven't learned to be realistic. If you have any 'sense' of a person you will know that when you 'sense' someone is above all your set criteria, then they are worth holding on to. | |
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| Attraction and Reality
Posted: 7/29/2009 2:02:16 PM | I don't know if this is a type or not. But in all of my relationships, my ONE weakness or physical attribute that they all have is pretty hard to explain except to say they have this - snarky, cheeky, wise-ass boyish grin.
There's something about a man who has this boyish "I'm gonna be naughty" grin and a glint in his eyes that just melts ALL my walls and makes me warm pudding.
Does it make any difference in cutting him loose?
No.
When I cut someone loose - I"ve been pushed about as far as I'm willing to go. I don't randomly break things off, and I don't do so on a whim, or for some flimsy reason. I only end a relationship when there's no other alternative BUT to end it.
By that point - their boyish smile can't melt my anything.
Because it's come to be shallow and not sincere.
I've had many drop dead gorgeous men, Tom Cruise look-a-likes, and Brad Pitt's brother....who were meaningless and worth nothing internally.
The man who meant the most - had the wicked grin, the smiling eyes, and had a body like Dr. Phil.
But to me? He was so sexy and so amazing and so....beyond what any man should be that how he looked was nothing compared to how he being him made me feel. | |
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| Attraction and Reality
Posted: 7/29/2009 2:19:06 PM | | Looking back, I can honestly say every guy I've ever dated (with the exception of one) has had dark hair and a goatee. The other one was bald with a goatee. And all of them taller than me (which isn't hard...). I've never been attracted to blond hair or bald faces. That's just my own personal preference. As for when it was time to let them go? Looks had nothing to do with it. As a matter of fact, looks wasn't even a factor in the decision to walk away and move on. Their actions or lack of actions or issues in the relationship is what were the deciding factors and no matter how great they may have looked, the issues trumped it, hands down. | |
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| Attraction and Reality
Posted: 7/29/2009 2:21:07 PM | It's really interesting...I've had guys on and off this site (who happened to NOT have some or all of the physical and personality attributes that I mention I prefer in my profile), tell me I am looking for the "perfect guy" and my standards are too high! With the exception of one ex, every guy that I've ever had a relationship actually had everything that I prefer in the looks/body department. What's ironic about the one guy who kind of did not: he was my least favorite lover so far...although a nice guy. I've never had an issue of letting go or ending a relationship if I felt something wasn't right...would never hold on to the "wrong guy for me" just because he had a nice body and was awesome in bed...yet I know a few women who have...
But, I would NEVER date a guy who had none of my preferred physical qualities (or if I felt ZERO attraction to him) yet he had all or most of my ideal preferred internal qualities!
BTW, since beauty IS in the eye of the beholder, just because I feel zero attraction to a guy and turn him down, doesn't mean he's ugly...it just mean he not appealing to me. I'm no supermodel, and I'm not ugly either...but as a woman and mature adult, I completely understand/acknowledge there are men out there that will feel zero attraction to me...such is life, right!?! | |
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| Attraction and Reality
Posted: 7/29/2009 2:24:43 PM |
petite/frail/skinny, dark hair, not particularly attractive Being "not particularly attractive" would be Your perception ~ Not His!
Op: You base your thoughts and expectations or anticipations strictly on A Look. I suspect you are disappointed often once you get past the exterior and have had a chance to delve into what's beneath... I think you need to buy a porn mag consisting only of what you usually find attractive traits in a woman.. perhaps you'll desensitize yourself to That Look.. you've relied on.
It's so easy to check profiles here for free and at so little cost in time. Anyone else here feel that the ease and simplicity of it it tends to distort REALITY? Not me. You sound like you have no control over what choices you make????
In the end, did it make any difference no matter how attractive you thought they were, in being able to cut them LOOSE? I don't think how someone looks has anything to do with whether or not they would be harder to cut loose.. It would depend on how I FELT about them that would make it harder or easier.
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| Attraction and Reality
Posted: 7/29/2009 2:25:47 PM | | I've never dated a guy who was my physically perfact date, but there have been plenty of men that I have found wildly attractive because of the person that they were. I think it IS harder on a dating site. No matter how amazing someones profile is...you still can't really get a feel for them until you meet them and you won't want to meet them unless you find them attractive, right? So its purely a visual decision. But in person, I have met a lot of guys who are not immediately attractive to me until we get to know each other, then, they ended up being someone that I absolutely adored. | |
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| Attraction and Reality
Posted: 7/29/2009 3:01:40 PM |
petite/frail/skinny, dark hair, not particularly attractive
Being "not particularly attractive" would be Your perception ~ Not His! No, I think everyone would agree that the women he seeks are not particularly attractive as far as their looks go. And that could be what makes them attractive to someone like . him. None of these women who have passed through his revolving door would get much of a second glance from other men, although I'm sure there are some men who feel more secure with women whose figure resembles that of a 10-year old boy. But their emotional defections would definitely make a healthy man run. | |
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| Attraction and Reality
Posted: 7/29/2009 3:11:21 PM | | I find it harder to break up with very attractive women. But what needs to be done needs to be done. | |
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| Attraction and Reality
Posted: 7/29/2009 3:17:12 PM | Attraction is all in the mind. Chemicals go crazy and you lose some sense of logic. You're so high on your own drug that you see what you WANT.
The reality is just that. You see someone you like, you register a sense of "goodness". If being around the person makes you feel good, you're gonna want to be around them, right?
What you're attracted to is different. Sometimes people are attracted to what society shows them is "acceptable" see: MTV, America's Next top Model, Movies, Mainstream Media.
Take a 20 year old woman who grew up in the United States and is in THIS day and age. She'll consider ONE thing attractive in a man. Say a good sense of style.
A woman from the year 1910 would like a DIFFERENT type of clothing on a man.
It's all relevant to the individual, as well as your brain drug.
I hope I don't get flamed, but hey... might as well give my .02 | |
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| Attraction and Reality
Posted: 7/29/2009 3:35:01 PM | I'm not sure I get why you are cutting them loose. If they are all that to you, wouldn't you fight hard to keep them?
Pretty much, except for his age, I am with someone that is pretty ideal. I do say except for his age because he has many friends I can't or don't identify with, they are at a different stage in life than I am. | |
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| Attraction and Reality
Posted: 7/29/2009 3:45:13 PM | I thought I was into a tall, slender woman with dark hair, until I was with one (and, in the infatuation stage, I found her spectacular). Then I realized we had very little to talk about (or the WAY we communicated was a bit too sedate).
After that fizzled out and we went our separate ways, I flirted with a 20-years-my-junior blonde, slender bartender who was very cute (and already had a boyfriend). If not for the age dif, I think we were very much in the same place in life (both bored and needing some craziness). I hugged her and she felt like a twig. I think I need a bit more woman to love.
As long as she's into being active, I really don't think I have a physical type anymore. The older I get, I think what I'm really looking for is I'm really trying to re-create the same craziness and love I enjoy with my own parents and siblings (and my siblings live out of town...hmmm--is THAT why I'm lonely?)...in short, I want to welcome someone into the craziness of my own family, or maybe create a crazy family of our own. Someone with a good sense of humor, a warm heart, and someone who is completely crazy (in a goofy, fun, non-destructive way). | |
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| Attraction and Reality
Posted: 7/29/2009 4:15:59 PM | I feel like what I may be attracted to, may not necessarily be what I want.
I look for other things when it comes right down to it. | |
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| Attraction and Reality
Posted: 7/29/2009 4:18:46 PM | I don't have a "type" per se. I do have a "list" in my head of what type of characteristics their personality is desirable, but in terms of looks they have varied. As long as they were/are attractive to me, it's on!!!
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| Attraction and Reality
Posted: 7/29/2009 4:23:23 PM |
you won't want to meet them unless you find them attractive, right? So its purely a visual decision.
a bit off topic, but i completely disagree with this. i've clicked past scads of profiles of visually tremendous women whose interests and narratives - and sometimes photos - blocked attraction. and then messaged others with great narratives whose looks weren't so perfect. | |
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| Attraction and Reality
Posted: 7/29/2009 4:28:27 PM |
Any of you had a relationship with someone who came close to your "ideal" in the looks or body department?
Nope. Now if you'd asked had I come close to the "magazine" / "tv" / "movies" / "media' notion of what an Ideal man 'Looks' like .. or what that ideal body is - Sure I have .. I've dated some pretty "hot" men - IF you're judging by what the media suggests is "attractive" ..
That said - I have no problem cutting Anyone loose who does Not meet my Character Ideal.
I don't have an "ideal" where it comes to a man's 'look' or body .. Appearance is illusion and it is temporary at best. My ideal Man eminates certain qualities that are borne on the inside .. A man who has that sort of character (My ideal) would be pretty hard for me to 'cut loose' .. and if he is 'him' .. I don't think I'd want to ..
I think if you base 'who' your ideal is on the exterior stuff (looks and body) .. then you may end up with someone of little substance and poor character .. illusions and temporary appearance .. easy to walk away from IMO. There is where reality is distorted .. to think that 'looks' make the person or a body is somehow "who" you need.. | |
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| Attraction and Reality
Posted: 7/29/2009 4:28:36 PM | | Sleuth - I've gotta a confession to make. If based SOLELY on looks, the man of my "dreams", would be tall (over 6'); have dark hair; any eye color; great smile, with great teeth; and medium built. If I walk into a room with 40 men in it, my eyes will be most drawn towards the "dark & handsome". I can't help it, I'm wired that way. Doesn't mean that I'll have a LTR with "dark & handsome", as I know the reality of life tells me "looks in itself doesn't sustain a relationship". Nonetheless, I do need to be attracted to the one that I'm with. | |
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| Attraction and Reality
Posted: 7/29/2009 4:39:04 PM |
Any of you had a relationship with someone who came close to your "ideal" in the looks or body department? In the end, did it make any difference no matter how attractive you thought they were, in being able to cut them LOOSE?
I have, many years ago. He was someone I more casually dated, due to circumstances in both our lives at the time (he was busy with work, I was still in university in a town an hour and a half away, and also working full-time, etcetc) but we saw each I guess once during the week, and would spend each weekend together. Basically, he was someone who, if I'd ever closed my eyes and visualized what *my* "perfect man" would be, purely lookswise? It was him. And we got along like a house on fire, to boot, so it was a really fun couple of years.
When things got to the point though that perhaps we'd have to make a decision one way or the other about "us"? I did a lot of thinking and, he just wasn't the right fit for me for the long haul. And I probably wasn't the right fit for him either. On deeper issues, we were compatible in some, but worlds apart on others, and it probably would have led to grief in the long run. It didn't really make it harder to make a final split though, because we had such mutual respect and admiration for each other, that we only wished the best for each other.
Still friends with him though, and in retrospect, we were both probably what the other needed at that point in our lives.  | |
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| Attraction and Reality
Posted: 7/29/2009 4:48:48 PM | I put a post about this a day or two ago...I had 70 answers...good advice and
they deleted the thread...whats up with that? | |
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| Attraction and Reality
Posted: 7/29/2009 5:05:46 PM |
No, I think everyone would agree that the women he seeks are not particularly attractive as far as their looks go. It really doesn't matter what "we" would think.. what I was trying to get across is that HE finds that they are attractive. Attraction is subjective to each individual. As for their emotional state.. He sounds like he's a fixer by nature ~ which, with their emotional issues (or need to be fixed) would increase their attractiveness to him. Attractivness encumpasses much more that outter appearance IMO. | |
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| Attraction and Reality
Posted: 7/29/2009 5:15:44 PM |
Any of you had a relationship with someone who came close to your "ideal" in the looks or body department?
I lived with a woman for 6 years who was in Playboy's ``Girls of the Southwest Conference'' and I was engaged to a woman who was runner up for Miss southwest Texas. Mot of the women I've dated were comparable, so I'd have to say yes. | |
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| Attraction and Reality
Posted: 7/30/2009 12:09:29 AM |
No, I think everyone would agree that the women he seeks are not particularly attractive as far as their looks go.
It really doesn't matter what "we" would think.. what I was trying to get across is that HE finds that they are attractive. Attraction is subjective to each individual. As for their emotional state.. He sounds like he's a fixer by nature ~ which, with their emotional issues (or need to be fixed) would increase their attractiveness to him. Attractivness encumpasses much more that outter appearance IMO.
My point, which I failed to make, was to wonder if he saw these women as individuals, rather than "types", since they are freakishly similar looking. Obviously he has a "type" but is the attraction based on the reality of who they are as individuals, or is it about who he needs them to be?
Are the people who appear to be one's type given qualities they may not have simply because one assumes they should have these qualities? Or hopes they do?
A buxom blond should be fun
A Latin man should be suave
A musician should be sensitive
etc.
In example of the man I know, there have been 5-6 replicas over the last year.
It reminds me of a man who ONLY wants to date Asian women because he is convinced an Asian woman would /should be submissive and quiet. | |
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