| Was he playing with me or was he true?
Posted: 7/30/2009 7:07:38 AM | Hi! Although I'm pretty much over this guy, I do still need to tell my story.....there are doubts and regrets in my mind that I need to clear and who better than guys to help me out!
I actually became a member here a few days ago because I was looking for an answer to all this and found a forum here....I was impressed by how many guys answered and how many good and healthy answers were given.
I'm 42, been separated for 3 years and finally got divorced like 2 or 3 months ago. I have 2 teenage girls whom I treasure. I discovered my ex was a pathological liar, tried to help him going to a psychiatrist. He went for a while but then stopped since I didn't want to go back to him. All this has affected my life and my trust in men (in people, not only men), obviously, but it has also made me be cautious.....although this time I think I wasn't that smart.
I have dated only one guy who lives in another city...didn't work out.
I matched with a guy on Facebook, he was from New Zealand (I live in Ecuador, SAmerica), 45, had been divorced like 20 years ago and had one son around 23. Aside from his job he's almost a professional diver. He wrote me a message on FB introducing himself, telling me that he had been to the Galapagos Islands here on a diving trip and liked my country very much. We started writing to each other, talking about past love experiences, about our daily lifes and we pretty much became each other's confident. At the same time he would always be sending me (and manu other women I'm sure) flirty prestablished gifts, quotes, which were most of the times pretty sexual. All of this daily. I didn't know how to take this and considered him a real flirt and flatterer, but at the same time I realised he was a very sweet man and had given me really good pieces of advice when i needed it. He was constantly there for me, he started sending me personal messages and flirts, he said many times that he wanted to come here again and that he would stay a long time, asked me when I had my next long holiday so we could meet and spend time together. he insisted we chatted on MSN, we did, many times. Whenever I saw he was online he would contact me and chat for an hour at least, said he couldn't wait to meet me, that he got online just to see if I was there, that I was so cool, that he had downloaded my pics to be able to see me when he wasn't online (asked me if it was ok). It was all very intense. We then started to see each other on the webcam, maybe once a month or month and a half, then it was more frequently, and at the end we were seeing each other every two weeks, and the last time, after a week only. About his trip, he was waiting to see how his business went (it wasn't going well) to try and come on his vacation. I had patience and never insisted on him defining a trip date. I tried not to ask him about it since I didn't want him to know how much I wanted to meet him. He even said that he didn't how if once we met he would meet my expectations, etc, etc, he was very good with words. We also forwarded each other jokes on hotmail. He saw my cell number there and told me he was going to text me one of these days. A few days later he told me he had tried but it kept bouncing back. I tried to do the same and it didn't work either.
All of this over a period of 9 months. Then came Christmas, his niece arrived to live with him for a month, so he couldn't get online as much, but whenever he could he would write, flirt, etc.
Once, he sent me a message with a pic of a couple hugging, and wrote that this is how he imagined it would be to hold me, or something like that ( writing my name). A moment later he sent me the same image with the exact same words but instead of putting my name, he put Lynda. i almost freaked out. I wrote him and asked him why he would call me Lynda? He answered immediately that he must have typed in the name of his housekeeper he was talking to at the moment, that his multitasking was no good, and that he was sorry to upset me. I bought it.
After his niece left, his sis and family arrived to his home for Xmas, he told me he wan't going to be online for 3 weeks since he was taking them off work and was going to attend them. We said goodbye, wrote to each other a couple of times. Said he would be back in January, saw me online and wrote but I wasn't around and it was too late.
i won't lie to you, I had thought of him absolutely everyday and couldn't wait for him to get back online. He did. He announced on his status (FB) he was back, I welcomed him. I had written to him last and expected an answer (like usual) but he took a week to do so. Once he did, he was sort of cool compared to how he was before. Very polite and nice tho, asking about my life, saying he missed me. He told me he had a job opportunity in his city and was studying the possibility of accepting it. I wrote back, was happy for him, and asked him if he took it if that meant he wasn't going to be able to come. He told me that it was a temporary job until this June when it might be renewed, but if it wasn't, he would come. He was online much less, and then told me he had accepted the other job on top of keeping his business working at the same time...he was busy, busy, busy. He answered my letters less frequently, i understood obviuosly and did not demand or complain to him at all (of cousre not!! he has a life). I always kept on with my life, went out, met people....never stopped.
He wrote me a special note saying that I was so beautiful, etc, but that the most beautiful thing was the inner beauty i had that shone on everything and that was one of the reasons he couldn't wait to be near me. i wrote to him, thanked him for his wonderful words and took advantage and said that i knew he was busy and all abd was wondering if he was dating someone or had gotten back together with his ex girlfriend. He never answered that letter. I waited for 2 weeks. He would send forwards and flirts (very little tho) but didn't answer. I talked to a girlfriend who told me to delete him from my account seeing that I was waiting and waiting and getting no answer. In my despair and out of fear, i did. A week later, he wrote an email to my hotmail, excusing himself for not answering, that he hasn't abandoned me, that he thins about me everyday and that he woke up at 3 am thinking about me and that he wanted to reconnect with me, that life isn't just work that he wished he could see me again soon on the cam (he always said that and I even used to tell him not to worry, that everyone has their things to do).
Since I expected him to ask me why i had deleted him, expected him to say more (it had been over a year now) I didn't answer him. he kept sending forwards but didn't write again. That was at the end of March. I tried to let it go, tried to forget him but I just couldn't. At the end of June I wrote to him. I apologized for never writing back, told him I appreciated and missed his friendship and that I had been going thru a bad time and acted wrong and that i regretted it. And that I would love to know how he was.
He wrote back immediately, once he woke up and got on the computer. He was a lot colder in his letter. He told me I owed no apology, that people do what they feel at the moment and sometimes regret it after time goes by. That he had wondered many times how I was. He went on about how his life was, said nothing about a relationship, just about his jobs and that he is exceptionally busy and that his job had been renewed for 5 years, that it was lovely to hear from me and that he hoped we could see each other again soon. Said that he had missed me too. Asked nothing about my life.
I decided to write back, told him about my life, told him about my daughter having a very serious operation the next week, and that I missed him too and missed talking to him, etc. Not too affectionate tho.
He's kept on sending me forwards but hasn't answered. I decided to write to him the last time and said that I had answered his letter and didn't know if he got it. he hasn't answered that either and that was over a week ago. He is definitely ignoring me!!!!
So, I don't know if I did right deleting him. I was sorry and apologized. I know I was afraid he was just playing around. Maybe I should have just told him how I felt. Maybe I was blind and it was obvious he was playing all the time. For so long???? I thought that if I was a mature person it would be right to say I'm sorry and that I missed him, that I appreciated him. He had said so many things to me, insisted he wanted to come.....I understand his life changed but. You have no idea how intense it was and how he made me feel...wonderful. I know he lives a million miles away but I am very, very fond of him.
What should I do? I'm thinking of ignoring him if he ever answers. But on the other hand I feel so much like writing him and telling him that I care about him, that I am interested in him.
Please help and thanx for reading this.... | |
|
| Was he playing with me or was he true?
Posted: 7/30/2009 7:34:57 AM |
Although I'm pretty much over this guy, I do still need to tell my story
Well, do you feel better now? Frankly, I doubt that too many people are going to read that novel. From what I gathered from skimming it, you sound obsessed with a man you've NEVER met! The fact that you could get that emotionally attached to a stranger on the internet, speaks to your mental stability, IMO. No offense, but I'd suggest that you seek some professional help, because this isn't normal behavior. | |
|
| Was he playing with me or was he true?
Posted: 7/30/2009 7:37:50 AM | without seeing the movie here again.....
leanardo dicaprio still dies and slips off the iceberg into the ocean right?
oh...and the ship still sinks also right? | |
|
| Was he playing with me or was he true?
Posted: 7/30/2009 7:43:48 AM | Clearly this is important to you hence the unnecessarily long story. OK, so you found someone online, you got on, stuff happened, an account got deleted etc but you cant stop thinking about him.
Its very sweet that you care so much but please for your sake move on. Im not just suggesting this because of the distance, its just not that big of a deal. This situation should not be affecting you like this. How can it be that someone who is clearly so keen to share herself with someone cannot find a kindred spirit closer to home. Even if you had met this guy. been on dates etc i would say the same, you are taking this way too seriously. I think you need to identify what you really want from this point in your life and what are the best ways to make it happen. Chasing someone you kind of know in this fashion screams desperate and needy and i am sure that this energy could be better spent, don't you think? | |
|
| Was he playing with me or was he true?
Posted: 7/30/2009 7:52:11 AM | I'm thinking you just want permission to answer any emails he sends. Do as you please but if you haven't met him yet what do you think the chances you ever will? If you can handle just chatting with him and don't put to much into it, then by all means keep it up. But it sounds like you are already an emotional trainwreck from the whole situation and it would be ill adviced.
Was he playing you? You weren't in a offline relationship and made no commitments to each other, so unless you sent him money, who really knows?
Hope you the best! | |
|
| Was he playing with me or was he true?
Posted: 7/30/2009 8:34:27 AM | The level of irony in seeing your first line "Although I'm pretty much over this guy..." followed by the longest post in PoF history (and i'm not even joking) is truly something to behold. Thank you for that. In any case, your entire novel can be summed up with probably the 3 biggest cliches of online dating:
1. Creating fantasy long distance relationships in your head via the computer will only lead to heartache.
2. Waiting months before meeting someone in person is guaranteeing disappointment. If you can't meet because of logistical reasons, see point #1.
3. He's just not that into you.
You can say that he "played you" or that he had ill intentions or whatever you want to make yourself sleep at night, but the bottom line is, you set yourself up to get hurt. | |
|
| Was he playing with me or was he true?
Posted: 7/30/2009 8:42:40 AM | That sure was the longest post ever...wow.
Anyway - yes - he was playing you. No, he wasn't true.
You're lucky he didn't try and scam you out of money or something. | |
|
| Was he playing with me or was he true?
Posted: 7/30/2009 9:01:19 AM | | He was (and is) playing you. I agree with other posters about the need for you to get help. You are waaaaay to attached to someone who is just an electronic contact. Its not healthy or normal. Let him go and steer a better course for yourself with people you can actually meet. | |
|
| Was he playing with me or was he true?
Posted: 7/30/2009 9:11:59 AM | Mishif: I am not a guy, but I think you need a female's opinion.
I hate to see someone so hopelessly wound into someone who doesn't reciprocate those same feelings. I think it would be better if you try to connect with someone just a little bit closer to you. That way you will have a greater opportunity to make a connection with him AND you will be able to match his ACTIONS with his WORDS.
There is nothing wrong with communicating with someone halfway around the world, if you choose to do so. But there are some rules to that you should exercise to keep your heart gaurded from unnecessary pain and anguish. You were only engaging in emotional self-tortue to allow yourself to fantasize of a "real" realationship with this guy though there was VERY SLIM chance of any real involvement.
It seems to me that the guy you speak of enjoys casual flirtation, conversation, and yes even web-camming with a beautiful lady. It adds a little spice to his life when it's raining outside and he doesn't want to deal with the weather, when his present friends are too busy to spend time with him (male or female), and when he's just plain bored or want to do something different. The hot sexy emails, etc. is good mental stimulation for either sex and really can be a great "picker-upper" for anyone who wants to add a little "luster" to a usually mundane day. It sure beats sitting around complaining about how "all the good girls (or guys) have been taken". And it also fills the 'empty spots' between relationships and 'downtime' in a relationship.
He may have had another woman (or other women) and used your connections as a means of casual entertainment OR keep his adrenalin going if his local girlfriend was on the "blitz". It is not "inconceivable" but "highly unlikely" that a man will go long periods of time without a woman in his life (for sexual gratification or other). If you think otherwise, you're only deceiving yourself. That's just the mannerism of the male human species and though it may vary among a few males, not much is going to change with that theory as a whole.
Don't let your pride get in the way of making you think you're so special (and all the other qualities a woman like to "toot" their horns about) that this man will 'voluntarily'
seclude himself from all interactions with other women right there in his face that he DOESN'T have to take a vacation to see, DOESN'T have to spend money to catch a plane , etc., etc., ( you catch my 'drift'). If a man is ABSTAINING from intimacy with women, trust me-it is a 'profound preference' of his. This is not just something a man ordinarily does because he's talking to a beautiful, hot lady halfway across the world.
(Now if you were next door, that would be different--to some.)
This man has shown you that , while he initially liked "kicking it" with you on the net, he doesn't (for whatever reason) like your fascination/obscession with him. You pledging your undying/exclusivity of love (feelings, whatever) to this man is apparently a "turn-off" to this man and is probably annoying because he knows it can't materialize. What used to be entertaining has now become annoying because you got serious. I'm sure he thought it was ok in the beginning because he probably judged you as "level-headed" and "in control", and would not take this any other way due to the underlying circumstances (distance and no physical dates) .
He has probably moved on to something more fulfilling (like a personal relationship nearby) AND I THINK YOU SHOULD, TOO.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE MY ADVICE but, the next time you have a long distance friend, don't let your mind take it further than it can physically go. Men really don't usually commit unless the relationship has "true potential" for a physical, total committment (don't forget the PYSICAL) part.
GOD BLESS YOU! Have a GREAT Future | |
|
| Was he playing with me or was he true?
Posted: 7/30/2009 9:42:34 AM | I want to give you a slightly different take on all this. Whether he was playing you or not is not MY main concern (as someone said, it doesn't matter, since you've only lost time). What I see in the story you tell (and I get this BECAUSE you wrote the whole thing) is that you have become hooked on having a long-term electronic relationship. I wonder if you think about it a bit, if it isn't similar to becoming hooked on a daily soap opera on TV (do they have those where you are?), where the viewer becomes emotionally involved with the lives of the characters to the point of worrying about them. The brain chemistry pleasure you get from being in the relationship, and from telling us the story, is evident to me.
There's nothing horribly dangerous about this, if I'm right, provided he doesn't actually show up and start stalking you. You are losing valuable time from your life indulging yourself on this soap opera, though, which is worth your considering spending on something more substantial. The fact that you worry enough about it to ask us, suggests you sense you shouldn't be doing it.
Most important? Don't let a theoretically possible future real relationship with this guy cause you to subconsciously or consciously fail to build a here and now real relationship with someone local to you. | |
|
| Was he playing with me or was he true?
Posted: 7/30/2009 9:53:00 AM | I understand how you feel. I know that you got something from this "relationship" that you need and don't get anywhere else. That feeling of closeness and intimacy that comes from an attachment even though it's over the internet is still very real.
Remember, it's still just talking. Not touching or doing things together.
There are lots of men who have lots of women they play with this way
on the internet. He has another one just like you named Lynda. He sounds
like he also has a woman he lives with.
It is an ego boost for men to keep multiple women on the hook as he has done to you.
He obviously has many like you.
This is not a real relationship even though your feelings for him are real.
You need a man in your life, not one on the internet.
Lonliness makes us think that talking to someone on cam and the internet is
the same thing as really having that person in our lives.
It is not the same.
Get a real man close to home to give your feelings to.
The man on the internet is using you for his own selfish ego. | |
|
| Was he playing with me or was he true?
Posted: 7/30/2009 10:06:26 AM | Wow, and I thought I was verbose (and I am) - LOL. At least nobody can say that don't know all of the facts when answering...
When I was going through my divorce, I met a lady on-line. She was going through a divorce as well, and lived a couple hundred miles away - not impossibly far, but far enough to be prohibitive to meeting in person. She helped me a lot, and I'd like to think I helped her a little as well. We would e-mail, IM, talk sometimes for hours. After a while, I felt a very close connection, so I can understand what you're describing. However, after a while, I think my feelings were more the feelings someone would have for somebody who helped them (psychologists have this happen), vs. somebody I was going to going to enter a relationship with.
You mentioned that you contacted him while you were going through a tough time. I wonder if some of your feelings aren't related to that? Regardless, from what I read, it doesn't seem like this will ever really go anywhere - and I constantly got the oogie tingle, getting the feeling he was just waiting to scam you while reading your post. If you can change your mindset, and just flirt with no expectation of more than that - go ahead and keep in touch. Likely you can't do that, so you may have to cut it off in order to move on with your life.
I hope that helps. Good luck!! | |
|
| Was he playing with me or was he true?
Posted: 7/30/2009 10:17:02 AM | Why did I just read all that? I should have paid closer attention to the new paragraphs sprouting up as I scrolled. Like horrible traffic, I have come to expect a dead body somewhere amongst the drudgery. Alas, no. Just unnecessary play-by-play. (!!!!)
My only advice is to focus harder on keeping your dating local. I love New Zealanders, too, but there's something pretentious about thinking you can remotely establish a tight bond with somebody abroad. Plus, the work leniency dependency and travel become large hurdles over such a distance.
Move on, and find somebody you can share a coffee with in person. Computer monitors are extremely poor french kissers. | |
|
| |
| |
| Was he playing with me or was he true?
Posted: 7/30/2009 12:09:25 PM | | You had a good internet friend, but he's an ex now. You can always hook up with an ex but usually it isn't nearly as good as it was the first time. | |
|
| Was he playing with me or was he true?
Posted: 7/30/2009 12:15:43 PM | | OMFG> please someone get a spoon and dig out my eyes!!!!!!!After reading that I needed a drink.....Op. move on he played you big time( and i'm still typing) | |
|
| Was he playing with me or was he true?
Posted: 7/30/2009 1:09:33 PM | Stopped reading at this: "All this has affected my life and my trust in men (in people, not only men), obviously, but it has also made me be cautious.....although this time I think I wasn't that smart."
It's sad someone can be so narrow-minded to generalize this to all men. | |
|
| Was he playing with me or was he true?
Posted: 7/30/2009 2:31:34 PM | WOW ! Size does matter
There has got to be a S@#t load of worn out fingers today. This post is of "Biblical Proportion"
Next time, don't hold back. | |
|
| |
| Was he playing with me or was he true?
Posted: 7/30/2009 3:37:12 PM | He was playing you. He was just trying to escape from his reality of life and used you to do so.
I have a policy when it comes to dating; online and otherwise. Never over invest yourself with someone who is not doing the same. Online dating is a good avenue to meet someone, but take everything with a grain if salt until they show you something different. I am sorry that it took so long for you to see this, but he was playing games from the beginning. You seemed vulnerable and insecure about being able to trust. For some reason trolls sense that in people. Be careful about the energy and desperation that you put out.
I couldn't read that whole thing was making my head hurt. What it did show me that you are way to invested in a long distance online relationship
My pennies worth.. | |
|
|
Home
login 
