| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 6:54:52 PM | My views:
anyone , men or women, who are in touch with any of his/her ex(s) are not respecting their current partner. By keeping your ex(s) in the name of "friends" is not right and you are creating mistrust in your relationship. Trust is something, once broken CANNOT be regained. Everyone knows that your current partner will never like you to even think of your ex, then why cannot you give yourself 100% to your current partner leaving no doubt for him/her.
If you have a kid(s) with your ex, then it is a different story. But even then, communication can be reduced to minimum. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 7:05:43 PM | | I think it is perfectly fine to be friends with your ex.I was married 16 years and have a great friendship with my ex wife. Have run into women who can't handle this,and it is a sign of jealousy and insecurity.Your partner could be screwing around with anyone,not just their ex.If you don't trust someone completely you should not be with them. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 7:09:14 PM | I totally disagree, as I think each situation is different.
For example, my first ex, there was no way I was going to talk to him unless I had to. There were a lot of unresolved issues at the end of that relationship.
My second ex, we have a good relationship. It took time to get to here. I have a son that requires we both get along, and work as a team towards parenting. I prefer this approach then the first, as it is easier on my soul. Kindness brings kindness.
I would hope that the gentleman that I am with would respect that. Otherwise there is an issue with trust and jealousy. Both negative emotions. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 7:11:54 PM | Holy crap. Insecure much? 
Many people remain friends with their ex's... and IMO that speaks volumes about the kind of people they both are. Ya know... if two people have come out of a 1, 10, 20 or 30 year marriage or relationship, feelings just don't disappear overnight... nor does respect for one another. Not every relationship ends in turmoil and distrust... many relationships end because both parties involved know that is the healthiest and best thing for both of them.
Yes, there are some partings that do not end well at all and in those instances the two people should just part ways or have minimal contact if there are children involved.
I too have a couple of ex's I'm still friends with... and they are just that... friends. If a man I am with has a problem with that... it's due to his own insecurities and I am not a babysitter nor am I going to stop contact with a friend of 20 years because he doesn't like me talking to him.
When in a relationship, naturally the contact between me and my ex's will decrease because I am spending more time with my partner... but the contact will not cease. Dictating who someone can or cannot be friends with is controlling and childish, IMO.
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 7:37:04 PM | | WOW this post REEKS of insecurity, jealousy and mistrust! Dude... you so need to head straight to the nearest shrink. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Epic fail! | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 7:39:49 PM | Well.....I think much can be said about trust, and respect and communication being important in a relationship...but that's a two way thing.
If you wish trust you must trust.
If you want respect how about you give some?
You're expecting obedience which is far different. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 7:47:36 PM | My question is towards a committed long term relationsip. If a new partner is just hooking up , then him/her asking to stop being in touch with ex is not sane.
if two people have come out of a 1, 10, 20 or 30 year marriage or relationship, feelings just don't disappear overnight
first of all you cannot compare 1 yr with 10 yr or 20 yr. and nobody said "overnight".
The more time you have spent with the more time it will take to get out of it.
I am not a babysitter nor am I going to stop contact with a friend of 20 years because he doesn't like me talking to him
the question here is not a friend of 20 years but a lover of 20 years, there is a difference. If you are in LOVE with a guy who wants to marry you , but asks you to cease contacts(not overnight) with your ex boyfriends and keep contact with your ex husband only as much as required(if there is a kid together), what would you do?
Dictating who someone can or cannot be friends with is controlling and childish
I agree, but isn't it the responsibility of the person to show some respect to the relationship/marriage.
I understand everyone uses the word "insecurity" or "jealousy". If someone in a committed relationshiip says it is "his/her"(partner's) problem, and not "our" problem, then the relationship is shallow and wont last. Is anyone ready to sacrifice the so called "friendship" with ex(s) to save current relationship or everyone wants to add one more "ex"?
Again, when there are kids involved, the issue is bit different. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 7:47:58 PM | My ex stayed in touch with her first husband because they had a child together. That bothered me at first, but then I thought about the bigger picture. Obviously she didn't love him and the child's well-being came first.
Now that I'm divorced my ex stays in touch with my family and visits them when she's back home. I don't object to this. She's still my friend. And I don't want to stand in the way of love. I would never try to forbid her seeing them. You've got to stand on a higher mountain. She lives in a different state now and we talk on the phone every two weeks or so. There's no way I'd want to marry her again, or sleep with her again. But she needed help getting through the difficulties of being single again and needs someone to talk to when she's lonely. She's my friend and as far as I can determine, always will be. As posters have already said, I'd have a problem with a mate who didn't understand the dynamic of the past. Unfounded jealousy kills the heart. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 7:55:42 PM | Perhaps you should make the wish to grow up some day.
I understand everyone uses the word "insecurity" or "jealousy". If someone in a committed relationshiip says it is "his/her"(partner's) problem, and not "our" problem, then the relationship is shallow and wont last. Is anyone ready to sacrifice the so called "friendship" with ex(s) to save current relationship or everyone wants to add one more "ex"?
It is the jealous and insecure person's problem. Someone is no more likely, often less, to screw around with an ex, they are a known entity and they are an ex for a reason. However, because people are not romantically suited or they can't live together, doesn't mean that they must hate each other and never speak again. I have far more respect for someone that can emerge from a relationship on friendly terms because it generally means they chose wisely even though it didn't work out and the SO didn't treat the other party so badly he/she doesn't want to speak to them.
To me, an ex is no different than any other opposite gender friend, you either trust someone or you don't. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 7:55:46 PM | I'd rather have them as a friend than an enemy. Besides, the ex is probably safer than some random person. At least you know they have been there, done that and decided it was no good and ended the relationship before you even came along.
There might be some exceptions to the rule. For example a relationship that was ended by only one partner, but the other still had strong feelings. If you are with the one that ended the relationship, you would want to trust them, not put themselves in any compromising situations. If you are with the other I would cut them loose until they get their former ex out of their system. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 7:56:28 PM | My ex and I are great friends. Just because we were not a great fit as lovers doesn't mean that the friendship should have to end too.
The ability to recognize that you were friends before you were lovers and can be friends after the relationship ends comes with maturity. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 7:56:53 PM | | I agree with MysticalM, how people deal with past relationships tells me a lot about their character. It's usually pretty easy to figure out if it is a true friendship or something else. I've always believed that exes are exes for a reason! | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 7:56:56 PM | Every situation is different, so why blanket every relationship with your insecure judgement?
Sounds like it is your issue and abilities to trust. However I cannot speak to your experience, but I am grateful that I had the experiences, the growth, the joys, the not so joyful times and the past, it has help me become the person I am today. How one speaks and thinks about who was an important person in their life, really offers insight to that person.
After looking at your profile, I do wonder why you are on this site? Not enough drama and stress for you at home? Need a bit of an audience? Sheesh. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 7:58:42 PM | | I am friends with a couple of ex's. I would like to think we are aduts and there is no need to be immature about situations. It didnt work it didnt work. I hold no resentments. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 8:17:14 PM |
Perhaps you should make the wish to grow up some day.
I wish!
Wish you could have contributed to my growing up by providing some reasoning and arguments like other people.
After looking at your profile, I do wonder why you are on this site? Not enough drama and stress for you at home? Need a bit of an audience? Sheesh.
Please dont go by profile. I had been in just one relationship , so definitely not matured in the relationship world. No drama at home. Need people's perspective
on things which i consider issues. If you call that audience, i need more audience who have experience with similar issues. you still wonder my presence on this site?
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I am getting replies from people who were in one side of the relationship, those who are/were not new partners. And I fully understand your point/view. I expect defensive replies from them. But try putting yourself in the shoes of a new parter who wants to be in a serious relationship but is bothered by the picture of ex(s) in the relationship. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 8:20:40 PM |
The more time you have spent with the more time it will take to get out of it.
Agreed. However... there is typically a friendship base in many long term relationships. True friendships don't always come from relationships, but in my experience quite a few relationships should have remained as friendships, but both decided to explore the possibilities of taking it further. Once they realized that they should have just remained friends, why should they have to give up their friendship?
the question here is not a friend of 20 years but a lover of 20 years, there is a difference. If you are in LOVE with a guy who wants to marry you , but asks you to cease contacts(not overnight) with your ex boyfriends and keep contact with your ex husband only as much as required(if there is a kid together), what would you do?
There are many different situations... I have an ex... who I was with for 5 years... and that was 20 years ago... we are still great friends. If a man asked me to marry him and asked me to give up that friendship... I would want to find out why my new guy is insecure about my friendship and we would explore ways to deal with it. I will NOT let any man give me ultimatums about my friendships.
If he said "I want to marry you, but you need to stop talking to your two ex's", I'd be sayin' BUH-BYE!!  
I agree, but isn't it the responsibility of the person to show some respect to the relationship/marriage.
I agree... and that is where there is a balance. The new relationship comes first... always. However... there is no reason there cannot be a bit of time in ones life to keep a friendship going... even if it is only contact once every few weeks or months.
I respect your thoughts on this... and if a person is putting their ex ahead of the new relationship, there is something wrong with that... but giving an ultimatum of "them or me" is a huge red flag.
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 8:45:07 PM | | I was with my ex-husband for 10 years. We didn't have children together. After we split up he married a close friend of mine. That was 27 years ago and we have all remained friends since then. Frankly I find it hard to remember that we were ever lovers - he seems much more like a brother now. When I married my second husband (sadly now dead) he had no difficult in dealing with my friendship with my ex and his wife - at one point when we talked about them he said he thought of them as family. Perhaps it helped that he was also on good terms with his ex-wife. I didn't have any problems with that either. My boyfriend has also met my ex-husband and his wife and he likes them. I don't see why there should be a problem unless a person is trying to have a one to one relationship with an ex and is excluding the current partner. If that is the case I can understand the partner wondering why they couldn't all be friends. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 8:45:41 PM | MysticalM
I like the way you put your arguments without being bitter.
I would want to find out why my new guy is insecure about my friendship
I dont know about women, but men would "imagine" his partner having sex with her ex(s). It is a kind of reminder for him which will keep bothering him even if he knows that the ex(s) are on moon or pluto. Men want to possess (people do not like this word) their wife or gf as the case may be. They dont want to imagine that their wife/gf used to have sex with those guys.
If he said "I want to marry you, but you need to stop talking to your two ex's", I'd be sayin' BUH-BYE!!
if a person is putting their ex ahead of the new relationship, there is something wrong with that
Isn't these two comments contradictory. if he gives you ultimatum, it is wrong on his behalf. But if he explained you why like i explained wouldn't you lessen the reason of his worry.
I found another thread where there are more opinions from both sides
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts5637346.aspx
can you stay friends with an ex? | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 8:52:42 PM | When I started dating my recent ex, I explained I keep in contact with a previous ex-b/f. I had explained that we would talk a couple of times a year (it had been a good 2 or 3 years since we last saw each other). With his business contacts he helped me get some graphic design work. When I first started working out and suffered leg cramps, he advised me what I needed to do (he was a high school wrestling coach).
Sometimes contact with these ex's come in handy. Like when I found out the most recent ex was cheating on me. He left me stuck with an extra baseball ticket. My previous ex filled in. Nothing happened. Just had an enjoyable evening as friends. Our contact is when one of needs the expertise of the other. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 9:51:35 PM | But no shet though....
Then why didn't you just post your "view's " in that thread?
Do you really think your that special and your view is important enough for it's own redundant thread?
Back to our regularly scheduled deprogramming.
A viewer writes:
My views:
anyone , men or women, who are in touch with any of his/her ex(s) are not respecting their current partner. By keeping your ex(s) in the name of "friends" is not right and you are creating mistrust in your relationship. Trust is something, once broken CANNOT be regained. Everyone knows that your current partner will never like you to even think of your ex, then why cannot you give yourself 100% to your current partner leaving no doubt for him/her.
If you have a kid(s) with your ex, then it is a different story. But even then, communication can be reduced to minimum.
Good luck with that!
I dont know about women, but men would "imagine" his partner having sex with her ex(s). It is a kind of reminder for him which will keep bothering him even if he knows that the ex(s) are on moon or pluto. Men want to possess (people do not like this word) their wife or gf as the case may be. They dont want to imagine that their wife/gf used to have sex with those guys. Well she has been with other guys, doing that special thing she does for you on them. Whether you want to think about it or not. (I wonder if that will come to mind every time you kiss her now?)
You may see women as something you can posses, but capturing and possessing a woman is like keeping sunshine in a shoe box. It simply can't be done!
Women are like fine art or wine. Savored, admirred and shared with the rest of the world with all the other beautiful things.
People are only whole when they are able to spread their wings and fly as high as possible. Even if their feet never leave the ground.
What you see as a way to a trusting relationship, I see as insecurity, low to no self esteem, major unresolved issues from past relationships, with a dash of control freak sprinkled on top. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 9:55:28 PM |
What you see as a way to a trusting relationship, I see as insecurity, low to no self esteem, major unresolved issues from past relationships, with a dash of control freak sprinkled on top.
I agree. Serious issues. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 9:59:19 PM | What Rockman said.
If it makes you feel better to date someone who cuts ties, find someone that does, a lot easier than putting up a thread that a lot of people don't agree with and expecting all of them to do a 180 and jump on your insecurity bandwagon.
If someone is trustworthy, they are trustworthy period, no matter the company they keep. I am friends with several exes, friends with my stepson's mother, and the girlfriends of exes. If you choose to think about your girlfriend's past exploits, that is a choice and your problem to deal with, not hers.
Wish you could have contributed to my growing up by providing some reasoning and arguments like other people.
Since you chose not to quote the rest of the post you highlighted in your response, I have included it again here for your reading pleasure, chock full of logic and reasoned argument.
It is the jealous and insecure person's problem. Someone is no more likely, often less, to screw around with an ex, they are a known entity and they are an ex for a reason. However, because people are not romantically suited or they can't live together, doesn't mean that they must hate each other and never speak again. I have far more respect for someone that can emerge from a relationship on friendly terms because it generally means they chose wisely even though it didn't work out and the SO didn't treat the other party so badly he/she doesn't want to speak to them.
To me, an ex is no different than any other opposite gender friend, you either trust someone or you don't. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 10:18:29 PM | I am very good friends with my ex boyfriend. Although we didn't work out, I have plenty of respect for a man that started dating me while in a wheelchair and took care of me for almost 6 years while I recovered from a car accident.
He'll always be close to my heart but I know where the line draws and will respect any current flame so long as they respect why I am still friends with the ex and that I have always been a faithful person. | |
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| Is it fair to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 8/1/2009 10:21:55 PM | | If someone meets someone else who included exes among their friends they don't have to choose to pursue a relationship with them and if they feel that the person's friends are a problem for them: they should not. Simple as that. You can't reasonably get involved with someone and then say, "by the way, now I think you should drop these various friends because I cannot accept them". If the person starts contacting exes only after you get into the relationship with the: that is a different matter entirely. | |
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