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 81Marie
Joined: 3/11/2009
Msg: 1
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being blown offPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Just wondering what you guys think. If you have been blown off from someone you were having a good time with is it weird or stalkerish to ask why?

I can realize when someone doesn't want to talk anymore, just can't figure out what the hell happened?

If you blew someone off (not return phone calls or excuses to get off the phone) would you answer if they ask or just continue to ignore them?

Please don't delete, I don't want you to feel sorry for me I really am trying to date and learn from my mistakes
 kmm52072
Joined: 1/25/2009
Msg: 2
being blown off
Posted: 8/2/2009 9:01:47 AM
It's the nature of the beast. Men don't like having to explain why the fact that he's ignoring you should answer all your questions; he just wasn't that into you. End of story...next...
 81Marie
Joined: 3/11/2009
Msg: 3
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being blown off
Posted: 8/2/2009 9:09:44 AM
I would believe that if he didn't try to have sex with me, but he seemed cool with the fact I wasn't going to, texted me on the way home and said how much fun he had hanging out with me. The next day I call and he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I call a couple more time and then I quit.
Shit we hung out twice its not like I am asking him to marry me beforehand or something
 delfinamor
Joined: 5/15/2009
Msg: 4
being blown off
Posted: 8/2/2009 9:12:42 AM
Does it matter why? If they are not returning your calls just leave it alone.
Do you want to be the one explaining why you don't want to talk anymore when this happens on your end?
 81Marie
Joined: 3/11/2009
Msg: 5
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being blown off
Posted: 8/2/2009 9:15:21 AM
That's basically what I figured which is y I quit calling-I can take a hint. I just always hear people talking about communication and all that crap so I was wondering what you guys thought
 LynnInGH
Joined: 5/11/2009
Msg: 6
being blown off
Posted: 8/2/2009 9:19:50 AM
Men, well most of them are idiots. Most of them are probably dating multiple women as well and lying about it. Stop meeting people from POF......most are LOSERS. It is hard finding class on here. I find it to be much easier meeting people out in public and not from dating sites.
 LoveDriving
Joined: 2/21/2009
Msg: 7
being blown off
Posted: 8/2/2009 9:29:28 AM
What I get from your situation:
He was looking for sex, he tought you are "open minded" (means "easy"), he tought wrong. He doesn't want to explain his real intentions to you because he is avoiding drama and he doesn't waste more time on you.
Clear your head and move on. He did already.
 Keiper7
Joined: 11/22/2008
Msg: 8
being blown off
Posted: 8/2/2009 9:38:42 AM
If I was asked why, I would give an honest answer, but the fact that he didnt bother to even say 'Im just not that into you' tells me he probably won't.

What you are looking for is causation. Nothing wrong with that, but in situations like this you are best just to move on.
 Will 357
Joined: 7/2/2009
Msg: 9
being blown off
Posted: 8/2/2009 9:42:14 AM
Congrats on the wanting to know for your own needs.I see alot of the problem here is.The dating sight cycle.When alot of people start dating.They always start thinking something better is right around the corner.Me NO way.If I am into that individual,I do not talk to others.Its called respect by all means.If he doesnt talk to you now,even tho you are concerned.He doesnt respect you is why he wont talk to you,sad but true.Sorry this happened to you,you really liked this guy.
Would I ignore them? NO,I would talk it out and come to an agreement.And stick to my word of agreement by all means.You only as good as your word.
 GeminiMan66
Joined: 5/7/2009
Msg: 10
being blown off
Posted: 8/2/2009 9:46:09 AM

Men, well most of them are idiots. Most of them are probably dating multiple women as well and lying about it. Stop meeting people from POF......most are LOSERS. It is hard finding class on here.


^^^^^^Ummm..errr..I kinda find that an offensive post..

But i've gotta thick skin

Watta biatch
 King Of Causality
Joined: 3/28/2009
Msg: 11
being blown off
Posted: 8/2/2009 10:00:49 AM
Imabernathy, you asked the question, but would you really be able to handle an honest answer, even if it's not what you wanted to hear?

Lots of people say they just want the truth, but more often than not, they can't handle the truth, and I can verify this from first-hand, personal experience. It's a similar situation to when women just read/delete a fellow's message: some guys will persue, asking why their letter was callously deleted. When told why, they launch into a bitter, verbal retort/attack. Women also respond that way on occasion, so silence has become a safer way to express disinterest.

Words of wisdom: silence is its own response, and rather than trying to dissect the matter, you may be better off realizing that for whatever reason, they just weren't interested in persuing, and your energies might be put to better use elsewhere.
 ladyblu1950
Joined: 4/21/2008
Msg: 12
being blown off
Posted: 8/2/2009 10:19:08 AM
All answers were very well put and I agree that both men and women do not really want the real truth because the ego will be brusied and then there is more to overcome.
 81Marie
Joined: 3/11/2009
Msg: 13
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being blown off
Posted: 8/2/2009 10:21:51 AM
nobody wants their feelings hurt but I would like to know if it was something that I have control over.
For instance, if he did not find me attractive-those are his tastes I don't have control over that. If it was me talking about my interests too much and not asking him enough questions about his interests that is something I can work on. I am actually trying to make myself a better person to date not just gripe and moan about not having a date.

Thats all I really want to know
 Landra2
Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 14
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being blown off
Posted: 8/2/2009 10:47:22 AM

if he didn't try to have sex with me, but he seemed cool with the fact I wasn't going to
He wasn't "cool", he was trying to save face and possibly keep the door open to try again.


I would like to know if it was something that I have control over.
If you would have had sex, he would have treated you the same way-- he wanted to have sex with you. You didn't put out.
You "hung out" twice with a guy and he wanted to get laid. The only thing you need to "work on" is meeting better quality men.
 MAESBABY63
Joined: 4/14/2009
Msg: 15
being blown off
Posted: 8/2/2009 11:04:21 AM
All of these are very good answers and I'm new to this too and have learned a lot of valuble information from these forums myself.
Not to mention a lot about guys from one in particular, every experience is a learning lesson.

You seem to be a very thoughtful and considerate person as in your trying to learn to know to do the right thing, just remember to ALWAYS do the right thing no matter what kind of man you run into from here.

As in the real world out there we are all going to run into the good ones and the bad ones, I am learning people can hide their true selves behind the internet but so can we in the outside world.
 sigi
Joined: 11/28/2007
Msg: 16
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being blown off
Posted: 8/2/2009 11:17:30 AM

nobody wants their feelings hurt but I would like to know if it was something that I have control over.
For instance, if he did not find me attractive-those are his tastes I don't have control over that. If it was me talking about my interests too much and not asking him enough questions about his interests that is something I can work on.


Op. do yourself a huge favor and stop wrapping your head around as of why...what he's thinking/what his motivations were/are and starting to doubt if it was you.

It's not you, it's him.

There is nothing wrong with you.

But we can have the tendency to think it is when lacking self-esteem. He's just not available.
 GGSN
Joined: 6/13/2009
Msg: 17
being blown off
Posted: 8/2/2009 11:25:09 AM

Men, well most of them are idiots. Most of them are probably dating multiple women as well and lying about it. Stop meeting people from POF......most are LOSERS. It is hard finding class on here. I find it to be much easier meeting people out in public and not from dating sites.


Let me fix that up for you a bit.

Women, well most of them are b*tches. Most of them are probably dating multiple men as well and lying about it. Stop meeting people from POF......most are LOSERS. It is hard finding class on here. I find it to be much easier meeting people out in public and not from dating sites.


Lynn has some serious resentment issues going on. So bitter she's making lemons jealous.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 18
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being blown off
Posted: 8/2/2009 11:25:35 AM

Men, well most of them are idiots. Most of them are probably dating multiple women as well and lying about it. Stop meeting people from POF......most are LOSERS. It is hard finding class on here....


Wow, just...wow. All that negativity, and yet this type of person, man or woman, is always the one scratching their head at being unable to find someone. You'll be missed when you leave!

OP, ignore the bitter cynicism like that. I do applaud you for wanting to hone your dating skills. Unfortunately, you don't always get answers. Typically, if I meet someone and there isn't any chemistry between us and I don't seeing it going anywhere, I still do my best to spare her feelings and just say, "I don't see us as a match" and leave it at that, which is plenty. There's being honest, and then there is the brutal truth.

Although in this case, the guy's motivations seem pretty clear; he wanted to have sex with you, and when you chose not to, he bailed. You're better off not being pressured into something you would likely have regretted, and I don't think you should waste a second thought on a guy of that ilk.
 horses44
Joined: 9/10/2006
Msg: 19
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being blown off
Posted: 8/2/2009 11:56:22 AM
Brawl 808 - If you ever make it to southern california......truer words never spoken in my opinion.

OP, this will be a head scratcher until the end of time (and six zillion more threads will be posted). While "good manners" should dictate all aspects of our lives, there are times when I personally feel "silence speaks volumes". Via another site, I got into a "brawl" with a gentleman that expressed interest, I politely said "thanks but no thanks". This escalated into WWIII with this guy. My thought was if this is how you handle e-mail, you must be a real delight when you meet someone who isn't interested - sheesh.

I have been "disappeared on" a few times in my dating career, and I can say it stings...not fun. But generally speaking, it has been VERY early in the relationship, perhaps there is another woman they are more interested in, he didn't find me as attractive as when we first met, he doesn't like the way I hold my fork, etc etc etc. Some feel that the are "entitled" to an explanation, I disagree, because at the end of the day as both the book and movie say "He just is not into you".

Be well, dust yourself off a bit (though it sounds as though you have this in perspective) and get back in the game
 DemonDingleBerry
Joined: 6/7/2009
Msg: 20
being blown off
Posted: 8/2/2009 12:11:22 PM

If you have been blown off from someone you were having a good time with is it weird or stalkerish to ask why?

No. It's not weird or stalkerish to ask why. It's annoying.


I can realize when someone doesn't want to talk anymore, just can't figure out what the hell happened?

What's to figure out? They made a decision, that decision is to no longer accept you in their life. Accept their decision, and then hold them to it in case they come back in 2 weeks telling you what they think you want to hear to "give them another shot...I just wasn't in the right place, messed up in the head, how about another chance. I swear I've changed..."

What happens most of the time is someone presents a facade (their best foot forward and all that), then based on their perceived ability to obtain what they want from you they determine whether it's cost effective to keep that facade going.
Some people don't receive gratification/validation quick enough, so why keep up the charade.
Some people find it easier to keep it going for a while. Depends on how deeply the other person buys the facade.


If you blew someone off (not return phone calls or excuses to get off the phone) would you answer if they ask or just continue to ignore them?

Depends.
If I knew they had nothing to offer to me, or I knew enough of their personality to know there really isn't much of a future then no. I would continue to ignore them.

If I wanted something from them, to use them for some gratifying or validating purpose then I would continue tentative contact, making sure to eventually shift blame to anything but my choices.

First I'd act like a victim or the hurt party. Then shift blame to something such as a misunderstanding (i.e. you), family problem, personal problem that is "fixed" now through some sort of "epiphany" or
paradigm shift," an ex, etc..

Ultimately manipulating them into seeing my "weakness" and "begging" for another chance. Then I would go overboard making sure to overload their "romance" circuits or just give them everything I think they wanted in order to erase my past behavior. Then when I got what I wanted I would try and make it work for a while, slowly withdrawing to make sure they realize I am, so they wouldn't judge me as doing what in reality I am doing. Then I'd go away for a while and either come back when nothing better came along, or not at all if I didn't think I could get what I wanted from them again.

All of which can take anywhere between a week and several years.


I don't want you to feel sorry for me I really am trying to date and learn from my mistakes

IMO your only "mistake" is you aren't looking at why you are attracted to certain men and behavior deep enough.
 lolimacreep
Joined: 5/18/2009
Msg: 21
being blown off
Posted: 8/2/2009 12:20:19 PM
This is easy. He wanted to get into your pants sooner rather than later- and he bailed when it didn't work out. As for him pretending to be okay with moving slowly- it was just a front to get you to lower your guards.

it kinda sounds like im speaking from experience huh? lol
 bwana217
Joined: 5/3/2008
Msg: 22
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being blown off
Posted: 8/2/2009 12:41:26 PM
I don't know that it's weird of stalkerish, but it's unlikely to get you an answer. I think it's a general waste of time and emotional effort. Being blown off happens all the time.
 Gentle_Soul_11
Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 23
being blown off
Posted: 8/2/2009 12:50:28 PM
Not all men are the same. I first of all have never ditched a girl, or shunned her without explaining it won't work, and without a thorough explanation if she asks for one. Some girls think I've seen a side of them that they didn't wish to show and beg for a second chance and after a few times of giving them second chances I've learned the way you meet people is typically they way they are.

Don't get me wrong there are great women out there and I wish I could see them all happy. I am a monogamous type of guy and faithful to the core. I am who I am and thats what I show when I meet a girl and I want to meet a very honest girl who isn't afraid to be herself.

Don't assume you made mistakes, try thinking maybe he doesn't appreciate the greatness that is you lmabernathy. Its better to lose out on a guy that isn't full interested then to be strung along used, abused (emotionally) and discarded/replaced when their true desire comes along. You deserve a guy that wants you for you, and will seek you out. So quit worrying about one or two dead beats, and look forward to that one great one that is in your future waiting for you to find him.
 rollthedice3
Joined: 12/17/2006
Msg: 24
being blown off
Posted: 8/2/2009 12:54:46 PM
Thank you, soul hero. Your answer to the OP has actually helped me a lot too. I just started a new thread, but the situation is very similar. I know that I should stop tormenting myself by trying to read his mind. I think it's very kind of you to give a thorough explanation if s girl asks for one. I get the feeling that you would do that in a compassionate way. I always prefer communication to silence.
 LynnInGH
Joined: 5/11/2009
Msg: 25
being blown off
Posted: 8/2/2009 12:57:18 PM
Well I didn't say all....I said most and if you were offended by that and think I ma a biotch for stating my opinion than it must of hit a nerve, hmmmmm, maybe you should be placed in that category of men and being called on it upsets you....oh well! Have a wonderful day!
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