| | The no-chemistry conversationPage 1 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | Hello everyone. This is a case of getting something I asked for, and now I regret it. I connected with a man on this site, and after he gave me his phone number, we had a conversation that lasted for at least 3 hours. We were amazed that we'd never met because our paths should have crossed a few times. We were also amazed at how much we had in common. Then, he was the one who insisted that we meet to go dancing - something we both have a passion for. When I said that I was too tired the next night, he called again the next day to ask me again. The date lasted for over 4 hours. The entire time, we interacted intensely. The only negative for me was that he kept talking about his second ex-wife, who he caught cheating on him after 8 months of marriage. She had also cheated on her first 3 husbands! He must have told me at least ten times how stunning this woman was - a 10 1/2 out of 10. The marriage had ended 11 years ago and he hasn't had a significant relationship since. I got the feeling that he wasn't over her, and I also started to feel like chopped liver. I had sent him several recent, very accurate pictures of myself and he thought I was very attractive. We parted with an affectionate hug, and he said take care and I'll see you on the dance floor. So I sent him an email, thanking him for the evening and saying that I'd like to see him again. I also asked him to be honest if he felt that there was no chemistry. So, he emailed me back and said that for him there was no chemistry. I've been bummed out ever since. I shouldn't have used the word "chemistry". When I've had to reject a man, I've always said "I don't think we'd make a good match". It's hard not to take something like that personally, especially when all the signals are telling you that there is a connection there. Now I've gone and written him again, asking if he was disappointed in my looks, or my dancing, or if I said or did something wrong. I know that's a mistake. He probably won't bother replying. I just want an honest answer to see if there's something specific that I could change to improve my chances of finding a mate. This whole experience has undermined my self-confidence.
There's also the possibility that he's looking for another "perfect 10" and that no one can compare to his ex. In that case I feel sorry for him, because he's 60 and nowhere near close to a 10 himself. I'm confused. Any thoughts? | |
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| The no-chemistry conversation
Posted: 8/2/2009 12:52:55 PM | First off... I think you should be just happy that you had a fun evening... even though it would have been better without all of his talk about his ex... lol... and also be thankful that he even responded to tell you that he just didn't feel "it".
Also... don't feel you have to change anything about yourself to "improve your chances of finding a mate". Be who you are... don't be a chameleon... because in the end, the real you will surface and that, IMO, is misrepresenting yourself and is akin to lying.
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| The no-chemistry conversation
Posted: 8/2/2009 1:00:23 PM | I know wher you are coming from, I asked a very similar question myself. Everythng seems to be going great and then its just gone. The majority of people in my case said just forget about it and go on. I think the fact that you are even asking about it show you are a more caring and compassionate person than many singles out there.
Don't worry about trying to change your appearance that doesn't mean a hill of beans in long term relationships. People can lose weight, get plastic surgery, go tanning, buy new clothes, blah blah blah but their is always going to be someone out there with a little bit more. Try to find someone who thinks your perfect all on your own.
As for the ex-wife...I know you have heard guys say they are the nice guy and women only want bad boys, well the same can be said in reverse. He found someone he had a lot in common with, is attractive, and seems very caring and all he wants is his cheating ex-wife. His loss. | |
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| The no-chemistry conversation
Posted: 8/2/2009 1:09:48 PM | | How could he feel anything for you if he still isn't over the X-wife from 11 years ago? Be glad he's not in your life or you would be the third leg in a tripod...he hasn't moved forward........you deserve better...don't take it personal...see it as a blessing..... | |
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| The no-chemistry conversation
Posted: 8/2/2009 1:15:21 PM | So sorry you had to go through the constant talking about how hot the cheater was from 11 yrs ago.But,you at least overall had a good time.That sometimes has to be enough.We never know what a meeting or a real date will bring.Now, you know.He isnt right for YOU.Not the other way around.
The worst of reading this for me is to see that men even at 60 are still the same.Now,I have lost all hope.lol | |
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| The no-chemistry conversation
Posted: 8/2/2009 1:17:12 PM | Why do you care what a guy "go and nowhere near close ato a 10 himself" thinks about you? Let it be!
All he wants to do is talk about the ex anyway!
I once went out with someone like that, he went on an on about the ex, how beautiful, shapely, lovely woman she was, I had no interest in this guy whatsoever and I just let him talk. Then she showed up! She had followed him to the restaurantd. Except..................She was a troll!!!
I was amazed how she didn't fit the description at all. This could NOT be the woman he was talking about, was she? OH YES!!!
Sometimes, men and women too, tend to exagerate a bit, to make themselves look good to potential partners and to try to make you feel insecure.
Laugh it up!
You are better off. | |
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| The no-chemistry conversation
Posted: 8/2/2009 1:21:10 PM | Imabernathy, that's exactly what I've been thinking - that he's the same way a lot of women are, who are attracted to "Bad boy" types. His first wife cheated on him as well, but he didn't rave on about her, just about the second one. All he mentioned were her incredible looks, and the way that men would stare at her when they walked into a room. Finally I asked him "but did she have inner beauty too?" and he looked at me like I had 2 heads. Then he said that as far as he was concerned, she was perfect in every way. Then he described in detail the first time they met - she actually pursued him, and wined him and dined him and asked him to marry her. When I asked him how long ago this happened, I assumed it was pretty recent. I was shocked that it was 11 years ago. Yeah, this poor sucker has not moved on, and I guess I'm not his type because I'm too nice and too faithful.
I know I should be saying "his loss", but still, it stings, because this is the most excited I've been about a prospect in a whole lot of years. I think it's the dance thing. He's an amazing ballroom dancer - a teacher, actually, and dancing with him gave me more joy than I've felt in about 6 years. There are very few men who are into ballroom dancing. Dammit all anyway.  | |
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| The no-chemistry conversation
Posted: 8/2/2009 1:32:25 PM | delpinamor, that's hilarious and revealing, that you actually got to see the ex-wife on the spot, and she was far from beautiful. It really does show that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
And yes, it's sad that he's all of 60 and has not adjusted to reality. I can picture him in the nursing home in 15 or 20 years, all alone and telling all the nurses about his cheating stunner of an ex-wife. | |
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| The no-chemistry conversation
Posted: 8/2/2009 1:37:06 PM | I think the issue was his and not you at all. He's trying to find someone that can surpass his "ideal" wife and heal the hurt of her cheating. Of course, that can only come from inside him and not from meeting another "10".
I once tried dating a nice guy who was fixated on his ex. Every conversation seemed to revolve around her, what she did, what she liked, who she is seeing now. A continual soap opera. Finally I said no more discussions about your ex. He ended our relationship the next week. Bottom line: you become the free therapist for a man stuck in the past.
Don't be confused, be relieved. | |
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| The no-chemistry conversation
Posted: 8/2/2009 2:05:04 PM | | Thanks so much, I know that you are all right. There's a lot of wisdom on these forums. I guess he did appreciate someone who would listen to his story, and in return I had an evening with an amazing dancer and a real gentleman. Your feedback will help speed the process of getting him out of my mind and opening my mind to meeting others. | |
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| The no-chemistry conversation
Posted: 8/2/2009 2:12:23 PM | | Don't let yourself (on this site, or in real life) be defined by anyone else's opinion....life is too short to care about someone who doesn't give a fig about you. | |
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| The no-chemistry conversation
Posted: 8/2/2009 6:57:10 PM | I'm sorry that this happened to you. It's quite disappointing to finally make some kind of connection, and then not have it work out.
Although I certainly encourage you to keep trying, I would advise you to limit the phone contact that occurs prior to meeting for the first time. This is because I, too, have spent hours on the phone, or even instant messaging a man. I thought we were setting the foundation for a relationship or at least a good friendship. Then we met and one of us didn't feel any connection. So all of those hours were a lead-up to disappointment.
Now, I only have one or two 30 minute phone calls or so prior to the first meet. We can talk in person and see what each other is really about.
Furthermore, if he's still talking about his ex, he wasn't available for a relationship anyway. | |
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| The no-chemistry conversation
Posted: 8/2/2009 7:11:19 PM | | I've seen guys like that. They got rejected by some woman they loved and now they have a hole in their ego and need to go sucking the life out of every other women they meet for years after. It's tiresome. They should just get over it but they seem so stuck and everyone else has to pay to buoy them up. listening to them go on and on about it. I've learned to weave it into the convo early that I'm over my ex and if I wasn't I wouldn't use my next date as free therapy bc it's RUDE. Then I look at them like they would never do that (right) and hopefully they take the hint. Ugh. | |
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| The no-chemistry conversation
Posted: 8/2/2009 7:37:00 PM | writersinger, that is a good point. I used to spend a lot of time on emailing and phoning, but now I realize it's better to just cut to the chase. I shouldn't have let that phone call go on as long as it did. The longer we talked, the more convinced I was that maybe finally I'd met The One.
Forumologist, I'll remember that the next time. I think that if I had done that, I might have saved myself being therapist for the evening. At one point, he even mentioned that he probably shouldn't have been talking so much about Ms. ten and a half......... and me being ever-polite, I didn't agree with him. | |
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| The no-chemistry conversation
Posted: 8/2/2009 7:45:26 PM | Oh Geez! If that were me sitting there listening to this crap from some shallow idiot like that, I would've gotten up and walked out. If a man is not going to love every inch of you and treat you like the queen that you are then he is NOT worth your precious time.
You can do SO much better girl!!
And by the way, I've been through the very same thing so I know!! | |
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| The no-chemistry conversation
Posted: 8/2/2009 8:25:11 PM | | CatGirl1966, I've been hearing that a lot lately, from people of all ages. I think you're onto something, there. | |
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| The no-chemistry conversation
Posted: 8/2/2009 9:22:18 PM | "I thought we were setting the foundation for a relationship or at least a good friendship. Then we met and one of us didn't feel any connection. So all of those hours were a lead-up to disappointment."
Well the reason for this is that one of the two or the two build up a fantasy and when reality showed up the fantasy was too strong to let reality have a chance.
If you foster a platonic relationship online or on the phone for too long without meeting and talking in real life then you are setting yourself up for disapointment because the fantasy that was created in the mind will be disappointed with the real person.
I ideal thing would be for fantasy and reality to blend but that is the exception and not the rule. Don't fall for the talking, emailing and chatting for hours crap to set up the foundation for when the real meeting time comes. It's going to more than likely backfire. Nothing takes the place of one to one interaction live and in full color.
If you hit if off with someone online, please limit the interaction and set up a meeting date to talk and learn about one another. It is the best way to create a real connection without the fantasy component.
Why do you think people have long distance internet affairs all the time. Fantasy plays a big role in this. The people involved become like characters in a fantasy. There is no reality in these relationships and yet they are very addictive. | |
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| The no-chemistry conversation
Posted: 8/2/2009 9:25:11 PM | | Oh , it must be sad to be him, 10 very long years and probably he'll bring that into his deathbed. At least, he is upfront from the beginning. Give yourself sometimes and you'll move on. Cheers. | |
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| The no-chemistry conversation
Posted: 8/3/2009 2:53:50 AM |
I just want an honest answer to see if there's something specific that I could change to improve my chances of finding a mate.
I think this is a fairly natural desire and it's nice (but rare) if you can get it however, everyone needs to remind themselves that you can't "fix" yourself any more than you can "fix" someone else. You are what you are and that won't be everyone else's ideal. | |
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| The no-chemistry conversation
Posted: 8/3/2009 3:03:49 AM |
...and he said take care and I'll see you on the dance floor.
What in god's name made you think that was a "signal" that he was interested!? If someone said that to me at the end of a date, i promise you the LAST thing i would do is email them to go out again, regardless of the percieved connection. Obviously, he was not physically attracted to you, which you can take personally if you want, or you can be realistic and realize that not all people will be attracted to you. Also, please understand that just because you have lots in common with someone, maybe you even have a great rapport, does not mean it will compensate for lack of physical attraction. No matter how much you want it to. | |
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Fifi47
| | Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 21 | |
| The no-chemistry conversation
Posted: 8/3/2009 3:41:48 AM | | He told you that he wasn't interested when he hugged you and said "see you on the dance floor" I wouldn't automatically say that he wasn't physically attracted to you, but then I am not a man and many men seem to either find a woman attractive or find her unattactive, whereas woman tend to not put as much weight in appearance as being an indicator of a man's general appeal. Consider yourself lucky, as he is not ready to date, seems to be looking for a replacement for his ex wife, and is probably going to waste a lot of time and emotions of various women in the process. | |
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| The no-chemistry conversation
Posted: 8/3/2009 3:47:42 AM | OP don't take offence. Men are like that.
Even though you may not have thought he can afford to be so fussy, men tend to be very black and white about the whole attraction thing. Either they are or they aren't. Even if they haven't looked in the mirror for years............... | |
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| The no-chemistry conversation
Posted: 8/3/2009 4:28:41 AM |
OP don't take offence. Men are like that.
As are women... This is far from a gender specific trait. | |
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| The no-chemistry conversation
Posted: 8/3/2009 5:07:24 AM |
I've gone and written him again, asking if he was disappointed in my looks, or my dancing, or if I said or did something wrong.
Don't worry about what this guy thinks is "wrong with you". If I was on a first date with someone who talked about his ex like that I'd never want to see him again. | |
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| The no-chemistry conversation
Posted: 8/3/2009 7:42:24 AM | He obviously is still in love with his ex.
Lots of people are not able to have a relationship and he is one of them.
Why worry about it? He is disturbed, like a lot of guys on this site.
It's not about you not being good enough. It's about him being emotionally crippled.
Just forget it. That's what you will find on a site like this, a lot of people who are too
screwed up mentally to have a relationship with anyone. | |
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