| | STRESS. Got some?Page 1 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) | At our age, even if all the kids have left the nest, we all still have some type of sress in our life don't we? Be it money, job, health, home, etc. Regardless that one person's stress, might be be some type of pleasure for another.
I dated someone not long ago, that had "enough on her plate" for several normal people to handle. Just plain bad luck to be so buried. Nothing she had done had anything to do with her circumstances. They were the type things that I could do nothing to "help" her with other than to just listen which made it worse from the standpoint of a man - at least this man. They were all things that only TIME would help solve. Needless to say, the relationship did not survive which still has me wondering was she just not that into me? Or that she had too much going on in her life already. Or both.
I related this to a Fish friend and her thought was that IF someone loved you, no matter how much turmoil was going on in their lives, THEY would or could make the Relationship work. That having someone who loved them would be a "help" to them at this troubled or difficult time in their life, rather than just be more stress in their life.
Perhaps I will always wonder just what would have happened had I met her at a different time in her life.
If you had an awful lot on your plate, would you want to or could you date anyone? Or have you? | |
|
| STRESS. Got some?
Posted: 8/2/2009 2:45:05 PM | Absolutely!!! I have been with someone while struggling to make ends meet after a divorce, a fire that burned down everything and scrambling to get work to support my two young children to boot. The man I ended up with for 15 years stayed right by my side and offered me an ear and comfort and love. The key to the relationship is that he never tried to make my life his own. He did not interfere with my struggles, decisions, challenges. He was a good listener and he would remind me of my strengths. It takes two people who know how to struggle apart and relax and recharge together.  | |
|
| STRESS. Got some?
Posted: 8/2/2009 2:49:11 PM |
If you had an awful lot on your plate, would you want to or could you date anyone? Or have you?
Yep... I have..
Met her here..(on POF)
beautiful, sexy, personality, educated.. had it all..
but her life was a SHAMBLES.
drama, police, children, relatives, courts,
the authorities, caregiver.. drugs.. just to
name the lighter stuff..
I so much wanted it to work..
but heck.. I am quite capable of causing my own troubles..
and could not keep on forcing myself to remedy hers..
My days as "saving the world" are over...
I just want someone to share what is left of my life
and leave my stuff to when I die..
I still think about and of her.. and I wonder..
but no.. I am secure in my decision..
no way I'm bitin off more then I can chew..
Good question...
and by the way...
she was up front the very first meet..
I thought I could handle it..
but realizied.. I couldn't and didn't want too
Some times I feel like a jerk about it..
---SoldierByte--- | |
|
| STRESS. Got some?
Posted: 8/2/2009 2:54:42 PM |
If you had an awful lot on your plate, would you want to or could you date anyone?
Short answer, no! When I have a lot on my plate, dating drops low to off my priority list. If I am already dating someone special, then I would likely continue, providing they weren't causing me additional stress. Dating can be time-consuming, both in a literal sense and mentally. I don't want or expect anyone to help me solve my problems, but simply having an understanding partner, who can be there for me, goes a long way. However, in my opinion, this is not a good way to start a relationship, unless you know the stress will be fairly short-term. | |
|
| STRESS. Got some?
Posted: 8/2/2009 3:06:50 PM |
If you had an awful lot on your plate, would you want to or could you date anyone? Or have you?
I am on here looking to meet new friends. Because of a current health issue, several months ago I decided to revamp my profile to let would-be new friends know that I may not be in life's most ideal place to be meeting new people but nevertheless would welcome that opportunity. What has happened has been truly amazing and very rewarding. I am receiving far more new contacts than I ever did. Those that are contacting me are what I refer to as quality people - people who can see past the current blip on my radar. It has been a totally positive experience. | |
|
| STRESS. Got some?
Posted: 8/2/2009 3:16:55 PM | I don't have a lot of stressors in my life ... my life is and has been more or less in neutral for quite a while ... and I'm grateful for that ... I know how easily our lives can change ... in a heartbeat ... or the cesation of a heartbeat!
about a year ago, I asked for some excitement in my life ... and someone broke into my house and terrorized me for several months ... so I've learned NOT to ask for more excitement! I shall be content to live here peacefully ...
my stressors are so minor: my job/income reduced to 60% of last year, refinancing my house, forced to buy flood insurance, someone who I THOT was a "friend" and a "pal" suddenly refusing to contact me with no explanation, switching my internet provider from one carrier to another and losing my e-mail addresses ...
nothing like Liz has!
we've all got SOME stressors ... I personally don't want any more ...  | |
|
| STRESS. Got some?
Posted: 8/2/2009 5:36:22 PM | | You know it just depends on the particulars and the people involved. sometimes life throws us such curve balls that we need all our energy to focus on the problems at hand and have none left over to cultivate a relationship. I'm thinking that this might have been one of those occasions and she was courteous enough to set you free rather than drag you along. | |
|
| STRESS. Got some?
Posted: 8/2/2009 8:03:54 PM | Of course....who doesn't? But if we all waited until we had the "perfect, stress-free" life, then NO ONE would partner up.
But yes, there are degrees of stress.....and maybe if you're at an 8, 9, or 10 dating would be the last thing on your mind..... | |
|
| STRESS. Got some?
Posted: 8/3/2009 5:42:32 AM |
If you had an awful lot on your plate, would you want to or could you date anyone? Or have you?
Yes I could otherwise I would never date? I do not remember a time when there was not an awful lot on my plate.. I just have to limit my time when I can date. Just like one does when they work a full time job. I am retired but keep myself busy.
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| STRESS. Got some?
Posted: 8/3/2009 6:27:55 AM | What I have found is that if I've connected with someone - I'll make the time to make the relationship work. Even with eighty hour weeks and outrageous deadlines, I can still find time to spend with someone I care about. I've also seen that tendancy in the ladies I've dated.
My experience has been that those who won't make that time are the ones who just aren't feeling enough for their "partner" for the relationship to be worth bothering with at all.
Cheers  | |
|
| STRESS. Got some?
Posted: 8/3/2009 6:36:58 AM | Stress? Now tell me, who does not have stress in today's economy and the way things are going down hill in this country?
Yes, I admit to some stress. But I also met, fell in love with someone that had much more in the way of issues then just normal stress. I was going to be the one man that stood by her, understand her, love her and do all I could to make her happy. I was foolish enough to think love cured all. It didn't.
I will be more careful about who I give my heart to the next time. All the past three years in trying did, was add to my stress. As painful as it was and the ending with nothing but questions as to why, I do not regret that relationship. I learned a lot. I think we all need help with our daily stresses, It's much better to have someone to help relieve them. | |
|
| STRESS. Got some?
Posted: 8/3/2009 6:46:37 AM | ..
If you meet someone that has a lot of stress
in their lives, the main thing is not to add to the stress.
It's much better to offer them a bit of encouragement.
They just may not have the time, or the frame of mind to
dedicate themselves to a relationship, but that doesn't mean
we have to shut them out of our lives.
If we are seeking more than they can offer, the problem is
ours, not theirs.
We don't have to immerse ourselves in the problems of others
to be part of the solution.
We can offer brief periods of sanctuary from a world of turmoil. | |
|
| STRESS. Got some?
Posted: 8/3/2009 6:54:19 AM | | Very well said avalon96. I agree with you 100% | |
|
| STRESS. Got some?
Posted: 8/3/2009 8:51:47 AM | | Working together is fun and rewarding. Life presents challenges; there are problems to solve. Some goals take great effort to achieve, and for the failures it can be invaluable having support and encouragement. That's the upside of sharing the burdens. The downside is commiseration, complaint, chronic self-defeatism, and the other forms of living in a rut and whining about it. I appreciate constructive partnership when there is much to do. | |
|
| STRESS. Got some?
Posted: 8/3/2009 9:02:05 AM | | Sure, I can date someone. It's a little break from all the stresses. It wouldn't be fair of me to become seriously involved with anyone. They need to see the best of me before they see the worst. There needs to be some solid foundation for a committed relationship, and at the moment, I just don't have the mental, physical, or emotional resources to devote to the building blocks. | |
|
| STRESS. Got some?
Posted: 8/3/2009 9:03:00 AM | Avalon: You said it perfectly. Gentleman Jim: I had the same situation but didn't carry on for 3 years. And in retrospect, I was not fair to this wonderful man. I wanted him to give to me in a way he wasn't capable of. He was going through a divorce, had lost his job, sold the family home. All major stressors. He just wasn't in the right space for a relationship. He didn't have much to give. And I wanted more, took his distance personally, and got very hurt. I should have kept my distance, offered him support and encouragement, and just been there. I am now trying to do this but it's hard.
So, stress is ok. Difficulties are a part of life. But it all depends on the degree. We all have to remember most of the problems in relationships aren't about us. It's usually about somebody else having difficulty. And if we can step back and be truly empathetic, we could save both parties alot of heartache. | |
|
| STRESS. Got some?
Posted: 8/3/2009 9:26:30 AM |
I appreciate constructive partnership when there is much to do.
Very nicely put by farceur..
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| STRESS. Got some?
Posted: 8/3/2009 9:38:45 AM |
I wanted him to give to me in a way he wasn't capable of.
northerndreamer, I can clearly see this was her problem too. For different, more complicated reasons. I held on for those 3 years with only hope it would get better. Probably still be holding on with that same hope if it was not for her ending it with no clear reason, explanation or even a good bye.
Her unhappiness is clearly deep within her and I know it was not me. I'm just the victim of coming along at the wrong time in her life. I was the first man she dated and the first man to get close since her husband died 5 years before we met.
I too took her distance very personally and got hurt often by it.
I know how hard it is. I'm trying to do the same. But when you really care about someone, it's hard to do. But like a country song says, "It gets better all the time."
It's time for me to put me first me for a change, and not worry about her. | |
|
| STRESS. Got some?
Posted: 8/3/2009 10:03:57 AM | Gentleman Jim: Same for me. He was and still is unhappy, stressed and trying to work through his ghosts. He isn't over his ex yet, my timing was bad, and it was hurtful to look at him knowing he wished he could be with her. We both thought being together would help but it just made it worse for me. He is a wonderful guy but all my friends, him included, told me I deserved a relationship with a man who would treasure me, focus on me and give me all the love I was worthy of. You're right, though. He was a very good match for me. The first man in many years I was very compatible with, similar values, interests and energy. We also really understood one another and he was the only one I could even consider sharing my space with.
But people come into our lives to teach us things and he and I learned some incredibly valuable lessons, painful as they might have been. He was important to me for that and for that reason alone, I was meant to meet him and go through this. If only to know what not to do again- and where my limits, needs and vulnerabilities are. That is worth it. | |
|
| STRESS. Got some?
Posted: 8/3/2009 10:36:54 AM | I don't believe I'd want to "go into" stress.
In other words.. go into a relationship with someone who is living with that surrounding them.
My life is VERY unstressful... and I love it.
But if a relationship, of any sort, is already established.. I certainly would not abandon them merely due to stressful crap hitting their lives.
I can't answer the question about would I want someone in my life if I was living under stress, because I am not in that situation. | |
|
| STRESS. Got some?
Posted: 8/3/2009 10:48:26 AM | For me (and yes I know we are all different)...the definition of love is, at its most basic, that no matter what is going on in our lives, in the world around us, ending the day with that person makes it all better, makes it go away - even though it doesn't solve a thing.
Yes OP I'd get into a relationship, or date, if myself or the gentleman in question were in that position. AND - there would be plenty of time made for him - because he would be my break, and my shelter, and my relief, from all of that other mess! | |
|
| STRESS. Got some?
Posted: 8/3/2009 10:54:53 AM | | It depends on how long we've been together and how demanding/needy he may be as a partner. Not everyone is good at being the "support person" and will be pouty and destructive if not the center of your attentions. (even under the "guise" of wanting to be helpful, they become frustrated and angry and add to the stress) | |
|
| STRESS. Got some?
Posted: 8/3/2009 11:01:12 AM |
The definition of love is, at its most basic, that no matter what is going on in our lives, in the world around us, ending the day with that person makes it all better, makes it go away - even though it doesn't solve a thing.
Very well put cookie22222. Some of us even like to be that person that can make life's stresses go away. Even if only for the moment of sharing and caring. Just so they know they are not alone with those stresses. That someone truly cares. Nice to have someone that also wants to fill that roll when needed. | |
|
| STRESS. Got some?
Posted: 8/3/2009 11:06:09 AM | Forum Sleuth:
Sounds like you have been reading my journal….
Lol
I am going…I was going through some uncertain times and was in the position you describe above. I had to make some choices to have him included in my life or move on without him. I chose the latter.
My reasons, I didn’t think he was strong enough at a personal level to be seeing me as a potential partner while he had demons of his own that he had no control over – how could he handle the new stressors that appeared in my life….lol
There was a moment when he asked me to call him if I needed him for anything…my first impulse was to give a cynical laugh and then ask if he was serious. I didn’t wait for an answer…I felt resentful and hung up. We never spoke again. I am not proud of my behaviour at the same time, I lost respect for him with broken words and didn’t want him part of what I was going through. How in the world was I to begin to count on him.
I think she had to consider what was motivating her to continue or discontinue a relationship with you. I think you know what she values and you probably know the answer to your question. Am sure if you cared about her to the extent you might have….and there was some truth to your display of affection…she may not have made the choice she did. There is far more to the relationship than you have disclosed.
THEY would or could make the Relationship work. That having someone who loved them would be a "help" to them at this troubled or difficult time in their life, rather than just be more stress in their life. Perhaps I will always wonder just what would have happened had I met her at a different time in her life. If you had an awful lot on your plate, would you want to or could you date anyone? Or have you?
I think you would need to look at the more stress issue. Could be I am reading far more into what you are writing because of my experience but regardless of the situation this lady finds herself in, she is evaluating how strong your motivational resources are and like myself, realized you could not handle the process based on her experience with you.
With reference to another time? I think she would still find this part of you she has experienced as a detriment to the relationship…long run? No idea…only you would know.
| |
|
| STRESS. Got some?
Posted: 8/3/2009 11:21:14 AM | Yes, of course I have stress. Some stress is healthy - keeps us on our toes. I'm having surgery next week and will be homebound for a month, with limited mobility for another couple of months. I questioned my sanity for continuing to date, but it's a good test to see who can handle it. LOL! I know that you men feel you have to "fix" everything. I'm not looking for anybody to fix me, I just want companionship while I'm in recovery. And maybe some meals brought in.  | |
|
Home
login 
