| Having it together....
Posted: 8/3/2009 12:33:41 PM | Is it generally considered a bad attribute for a woman to have her stuff together? Her life in order and a sense of self-confidence an accomplishment?
When I asked, a guy friend recently told me that he didn't know what I was giving off ... unless its just your general deameanor, soft spoken voice with the confidence behind it, or that your very sure of yourself. Also, since your a business owner, you already carry more confidence and exude that you know what you want and go get it quality. For me, that soft spoken, reserved voice is not something Im use to. I dont know how to explain it, but Im use to more of a cheerleader outgoing all over the place girl. You have your shit together, which is probably a first for me to. Interesting.
This seems to be something along the lines of men really wanting helpless women in a sense. I'm not a b**ch-control freak by any stretch, but men always seem to think that I'm ultra-serious when I'm not. Maybe having your life together translates to men as something along the lines of: If your life is together already then maybe you are ready to get super serious super-quickly?
How can this be counterbalanced if it is, indeed, a trend? | |
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| Having it together....
Posted: 8/3/2009 12:40:28 PM | Well, typically when I have encountered women who state 'they have it together' or are in a position of authority, they come across as total "b*tches". It is kind of like they have to be harda$$es of some sort.
I hear the excuse all the time is that they have to be that way because they are female and we only say that because of it. I say NO. If a guy was that way he'd be called arrogant or a B@stard.
Sorry, one can be confident without being arrogant. Together without being bossy or the other B word.
Not saying you are either, but your demeanor could be coming across that way.
Frankly I adore a woman who a) can challenge me b) is confident and c) can hold her own. BUT with all that being said, a partnership is a two way street. You can't over do any of it.... | |
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| Having it together....
Posted: 8/3/2009 12:49:58 PM | I think you are misinterpreting something. Mixing up one thing with another. Men, as far as I have ever seen, have never been put off by a woman who 'has her stuff together.' have men been especially attracted to helpless women, at least in the long run. In the sense that a lot of us are programmed and brought up to take every opportunity to show ourselves off as 'heroic,' yeah, a women in need is an opportunity. In the long run, however, if you pay attention, you'll hear that very few men want a relationship with a damsel who is ALWAYS in distress.
There also seems to be a contradiction in this part:
"This seems to be something along the lines of men really wanting helpless women in a sense. I'm not a b**ch-control freak by any stretch, but men always seem to think that I'm ultra-serious when I'm not. Maybe having your life together translates to men as something along the lines of: If your life is together already then maybe you are ready to get super serious super-quickly?"
You seem to be asking if men figure they can move right along with you since you have your shazbat in a single pile, but at the same time, you think they want you to be helpless? Confusing.
MAIN THING: I suspect if you are having trouble relating, it's not whether you are well organized, or know what you want from life. It would likely be that your behavior indicates either HOSTILITY (I've seen many women AND men who were so sensitive about being taken as less together than they felt they were), or DISINTEREST. These behaviors have nothing to do with whether or not you've got it together.
Example: you know so much what you want from life, you reject every idea he comes up with for how to spend an afternoon, because you've been there done that. That will be perceived as "I don't want to spend time with YOU, I just want to do something I haven't done before." Doesn't make a guy OR a gal feel that you give a damn if they are in your life or not.
If people always think you are serious when you are not, perhaps you don't smile or laugh. I know I suspect someone is serious when they never smile. I also gradually get the idea I'm boring them. Like now when I'm writing too much.
Enough! | |
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| Having it together....
Posted: 8/3/2009 12:50:31 PM | Who are you kidding??? No one actually ever has it all together. Life is like juggling, you always are trying to keep everything going in the right direction, and catching and throwing at the right time, but it never workd out perfectly, eventually one of the balls drop, and you have to rearrange and work to get it going again.
People who have everything financially often have problems emotionally, people who are emotionally stable sometimes come into financial trouble.
Women who pretend that they have everything and are always under control snap eventually. We are fooling ourselves and no one else when we pretend that just because we have a job, a nice car, and a good home that there aren't things lacking. If it were all so perfect, then they wouldn't be so defensive or biotchy.
Personally, having grown through the stage in my life when I thought I had to prove myself to others or be anything other than myself, I can look back and see how afraid I really was...the pressure was unreal, and I would spin my wheels rather than ask for help or admit that I needed someone. I am a much happier person now, because I can relax and let work be over at the end of the day, I can ask for help if I need it, and I can let my hair down and be myself and not worry that I am disappointing someone.
Beth | |
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| Having it together....
Posted: 8/3/2009 12:52:04 PM | | May be it takes a particular type of woman to be successful and perhaps you are that kind of woman, which normal guys might shy away from | |
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| Having it together....
Posted: 8/3/2009 12:52:50 PM | | Really it all depends on the mental capacity of the guy. Many guys like needy women, you know, women that need a man for some reason or other (financial/emotional). That makes guys feel as if they are there for a reason. Others like that the woman is in control of her self and just actually want to be with him for who he is not for what he can offer. I personally would like to have a woman that has her stuff together so I wouldn't have to bail her out (so to speak) of any hardships. It gets too stressful for me for me to deal with someone that doesn't have it together. As far as translating to getting super serious, for me that has nothing to do with it. It means that you have carefully decided that you may be ready for a relationship, some men may be intimidated by it, but others welcome it with open arms. It only means that you WANT, not NEED. That is good in anyones eyes. | |
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| Having it together....
Posted: 8/3/2009 12:54:20 PM | You kidding? You're *exactly* the kind of woman I'd like to meet. Someone who knows exactly who she is, what she's about, and you're comfortable -- confident in yourself.
I suspect the issue you run up against is that the *men* you meet don't have their own comfort and self-confidence, and they're intimidated by yours. | |
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| Having it together....
Posted: 8/3/2009 12:56:12 PM | It's all BS. I don't know one single guy who wants a "needy-clingy" woman...not one! -
It's all about the attitude lady, not what you have but how you portray yourself. You probably pass the "arrogant/uptight bitcz" line without even knowing. | |
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| Having it together....
Posted: 8/3/2009 1:02:34 PM | Are you sure you've got ALL your stuff together? Do you know where every pair of shoes you own is? What about your car keys? Don't you ever misplace them from time to time?
A woman who it is as 'stuff together' as you describe would actually be pretty refreshing. I'd truly like to meet a woman who never looks in the mirror and says, "Oh my GOD my a$$ looks big in these shorts..."
Soooo, no it's not a bad attribute at all. Maybe if you're perceived as
ultra-serious when you're not perhaps your sense of humor needs a tweak or two, so your joking self is clearer? Remember, though, there's no such thing as 'always'...
Good luck!
G ;) | |
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| Having it together....
Posted: 8/3/2009 1:15:04 PM | | Ok - I am a fun-loving, happy, drama-free, friendly, flirty, laugh at a joke, can tell a few of my own, thought "The Hangover" was hilarious, loves a Margarita or two, dances to "Thriller", drinks beer at a baseball game, watches Family Guy, plays with my big dumb dog at the park and rolls around on the ground with little kids. I'm not some super-control-freak-critical-hypersensitive-nutjob. Never have been, never hope to be. I have a job that I love, and I'm not needy in the general sense. I'm learning though, more and more, that men like needy. I'm not bored or disinterested or critical or any of the things that people are posting. I smile, I laugh, I care about my friends.... but this all seems to translate to men (at least in the past three months of my dating life) as me being ready to dive off the deep end with them in tow. Just because I enjoy a man's company, doesn't mean I've decided that he is "the one"...I guess I'm not good at being "nice" to a man without coming across as wanting more than to take things one day at a time. Any thoughts? | |
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| Having it together....
Posted: 8/3/2009 1:22:10 PM | | Have you considered that they simply aren't physically attracted to you and is has nothing to do with how driven/successful/intimidating you are? | |
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| Having it together....
Posted: 8/3/2009 1:26:20 PM | The air of confidence lets off a vibe of impending control. The thing is women who have that confidence are so sure of themselves they want to help run your life too. This makes a lot of men who are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves that choose women with the air of confidence, only end up as a henpecked husband. How many times have you heard the phrase "well i just did it to keep the wife happy". There comes a point in time where she meets all of her own needs and tires of taking care of a henpecked husband that has regressed to a mere child becomes just too much of a burden.
A powerful woman can only be counter balanced by a man maintaining control on all aspects of himself.
Although it does mean having to keep making hard choices as a routine. Otherwise one is setting themselves up for different hard choices that come with complacently, resentment and possibly separation. Choose your lesser evil wisely. | |
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| Having it together....
Posted: 8/3/2009 1:34:29 PM | You're at an age where men will probably expect (hope) that a gal has her stuff together by now.
Not sure if you are quoting your friend in your original post? (Success starts with good communication.)
Step away from the "office mode" mentality for a bit. We all work (hopefully.) No need to define yourself by it. Some might get horribly bored with it even.  | |
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| Having it together....
Posted: 8/3/2009 1:34:50 PM | Maybe I'm starting to understand what you are asking. It's not that you are trying to get guys interested, and fear that they are put off by your self confidence, it's that you fear that your self-confidence makes them want to rush things, and perhaps when you put the brakes on, the relationship has problems. Is that it? You think perhaps if you appeared less together, more needy, they'd take more time to let the relationship develop, allow time to really be friends first.
One thing is absolutely for certain: never pretend. Don't be tempted to pretend to be less confident to try to steer the guys the way you want. As soon as you go fake, the relationship is doomed.
Since it's only THREE MONTHS we're talking about here, it could just be you are over reacting to what that one guy said, and to having the first few guys you went out with chancing to themselves be in a hurry. Given that, you may simply be over-thinking it right now.
To quote "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy," DON'T PANIC!
Give it another half year, if every guy STILL wants to marry you after the first date, come back and we'll work up a plan for you. Or print cards or something. | |
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| Having it together....
Posted: 8/3/2009 2:44:58 PM | | Yeah, that's it. The men don't like you because you're not a needy mess. Men, as you know, are scared of competency in female form. That's why there are nothing but clueless, helpless, confused women in relationships. It's a hard fact of life but if you want to be loved you'll have to shed all of your positive qualities and grovel for approval at the man's feet, hoping he can find it in his heart to put up with your womanly flaws. | |
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| Having it together....
Posted: 8/3/2009 2:49:48 PM | People have pride problems. What you call confidence another may call arogance. Why? People dislike admitting their low self esteem (pride) causes them to see and hear - interpret others actions in a negative manner.
Your post doesn't sound like you're arrogant so I suggest you disregard what those men say and move on. The world is not a good place and people are not good. They prove it every day. Why the world beleives people are good except, theives, crooks, criminals, stealers, liars, players, sick people, arroagant, beyatches, holier than thous, murderers, cheats, poler players, alcoholics, drug addicts, adulterers, and .... is beyond me.
Don't use the world as your standard. You'll never get off the roller coaster ride. | |
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| Having it together....
Posted: 8/3/2009 4:18:25 PM | In response to the physically attracted question - I'm talking about men I've gone out with probably 4 or 5 times. If they weren't attracted, they probably wouldn't have agreed to the extra dates - do ya think? Maybe I'm off base there.
I've been told by 3 men in the past two months that they think that I am "ready to get serious"...when not one of them is someone that I've really thought about more than just enjoying their company. I don't think long-term in the first parts of a relationship, I try to give it time to develop and learn the real person before ever going there even in my own mind.
Everyone is damaged goods in some ways, maybe I'm just hiding my issues better than most. | |
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| Having it together....
Posted: 8/3/2009 5:52:19 PM | I dont know any guy that wants a needy girl. However, men want to be needed which is different.
Was it something you said or did that gave them that idea? If you didnt get answer then I say get some clarification from these guys. They are the only ones with answers to such a comment.
I also think a guy with a low self-esteem would feel inadequate next to you. They may have used it as a cop-out to avoid saying whay they were really thinking. Like maybe they weren't good enough. You never know til you ask!
Good luck girl | |
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| Having it together....
Posted: 8/3/2009 7:26:17 PM | | Dear God! There needs to be more of you (if this is not trolling). Because, if you read all the profiles, they all have drama, baggage, exes, etc. that are complicating their overly complicated lives. I'd love to meet someone that knows where they are going and has the drive and self-confidence to make it happen. | |
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| requisite
Posted: 8/3/2009 7:54:58 PM | It's a requisite that I look for a in a woman. I got my act together shortly after graduating college when I learned getting my slip of paper that says I know something (my college degree) is worth $0 by itself. I put in a lot of work to get where I am and I don't mind sharing what I have but I do want someone who has something to share. When you save the damsel in the tower from her peril, you're left with the leftovers.
My suit of armor chafes, I traded my white horse in for a used golf cart and my castle has no fine tapestries. How many ways can I say that I'm not going to be anyone's white knight. | |
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| Having it together....
Posted: 8/3/2009 8:01:31 PM |
Is it generally considered a bad attribute for a woman to have her stuff together? Her life in order and a sense of self-confidence an accomplishment?
If she touts it in an arrogant fashion, then yes. Definitions of accomplishment vary person by person, and those who accomplish the most tend to focus more on the problem at hand than on the trophy case.
I'm not a b**ch-control freak by any stretch, but men always seem to think that I'm ultra-serious when I'm not.
That's not for you to judge. Why are guys getting the impression you are so serious?
How can this be counterbalanced if it is, indeed, a trend?
Maybe you need to find more sophisticated/accomplished men. | |
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