| How can I forget ( or should I ) ?
Posted: 8/4/2009 5:06:26 PM | What does it mean to truly be "over" someone ? Why does some "getting over" take a shorter time ( even if the feelings were deep) and other times it seems to take forever ?
When you can't seem to "get over" ( and want to) , does it mean something significant ?
p.s. In reality happen to be quite optimistic and not "hung up" , this is just somethig I've always pondered | |
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| How can I forget ( or should I ) ?
Posted: 8/4/2009 5:25:13 PM | In simple terms the length of time is related to how truly significant the person was to you.
That is not be the same as how significant you thought they were.
To a certain extent we always remember people who played a important role in our lives. It is up to us to determine how much energy we keep putting in past relationships. | |
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| How can I forget ( or should I ) ?
Posted: 8/4/2009 5:29:16 PM | Everyone's different, and the opinions will also vary according to the people they were with, and the stage they're at in their lives... My last relationship ended just over six months ago, and although I think ending was the right thing to happen, I did miss her for a long time - and I don't just mean the sex...
Just be yourself - it's all you can do.
Martin | |
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| How can I forget ( or should I ) ?
Posted: 8/4/2009 5:31:37 PM | Funny you should ask, I was just pondering today that I still haven't completely gotten over an absolutely devastating relationship I had in college, which was 35 years ago. I wish I COULD forget that mess, as it still stains my emotional life, and my ability to relate freely today.
As to why some people are easier to leave behind than others, I think that's complicated by too many factors to speak simply about here, but I have one specific suggestion to include in your considerations. This is aside from obvious things like how much the person hurt you, or undermined your confidence, or even how deeply you cared for them.
What I'm referring to is how we constantly visualize our future, consciously or subconsciously. We make short term plans, obviously, but we also include our friends and lovers in how we picture the farther future. When we lose someone for any reason, we will miss them all over again every time we reach a point in our lives where we expected them to be there. If you aren't aware of this common tendency, you might reach one of these temporal intersections, and wonder if you should have left them, simply because you suddenly feel their loss again. It can happen even if it was someone who you ended up furiously angry at, and who you could never trust again (as in my case).
Anyway, that's my two cents. I'll leave the other possibilities to our other excellent thinkers. | |
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| How can I forget ( or should I ) ?
Posted: 8/4/2009 5:36:41 PM | It means that you do not think of them on a regular basis. It means that you do not wish for them to still be involved with you. It means that you can live your happy day to day life with the thought that you are ok with the fact that you are no longer together. The key is reaching the point at which you realize that you are better off without them, or that you were at the point that you could not learn anything new from them, and could not be happy with them any longer.
How long does it take???? Different for everyone, and different for each situation. | |
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| How can I forget ( or should I ) ?
Posted: 8/4/2009 6:35:54 PM | Your question reminds me of an ex
I didn't really like him much and wanted to break up with him so bad, and I did a couple times. But everytime I would feel like have to have him back. Getting over him was like having panic attacks and felt so lonely and strong feelings of guilt.
I would cry because he was so good to me, if it wasn't for him :
I wouldn't have a car (he fixed it, mechanics would rip me off cause I knew nothing)
I wouldn't have a computer (he fixed it, I don't know anybody besides him to fix it)
I wouldn't have any friends (we hung out with his)
I wouldn't get to do any fun things.
He got along great with my family. (he didn't have any, so mean to take that away from him)
And breaking up with him because something wasn't sitting right was just plain selfish and mean....
IT WOULD HAVE TAKEN FOREVER TO GET OVER HIM
Then one day.... He hits me.
I HAVE NEVER GOTTEN OVER ANYTHING FASTER!
If my car had a problem: I googled the symptoms, and always ask for the replaced parts back and the box the new part came in.
If my computer broke: A co-workers son fixes 'em for cheap.
I hung out with my friends more and got to do fun things (even better single)
I got along better with my family (it's about me, not him, and thats ok)
When he became the selfish and mean one, It was so easy to get over but as a nice guy its so much harder.
I wonder tho, which would have taken longer:
getting over the seemingly impossible
or
waiting for the hit | |
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| How can I forget ( or should I ) ?
Posted: 8/4/2009 7:57:36 PM | You know what, every relationship is different so getting over someone will always be different, but you simply will know when you are over someone. It may take weeks, it sometimes takes years.
You no longer wake up in the middle of the night and for an instant wonder why that someone isn't in bed beside you...you no longer hear or read something interesting and think "hey, she would love to hear this, I have to tell her this"....you no longer see her when you look at other women or compare other women to her. You can move on in your life and do all the little things and big things without memories of that persons affecting you. | |
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| How can I forget ( or should I ) ?
Posted: 8/4/2009 8:10:55 PM | IMO, and in the little world in my head, the amount of time it takes to get over someone has little to no direct bearing on the "depth" of emotions.
Some people get "over it" quickly because the other meant little, they weren't around each other long enough to grow together.
Some people get "over it" quickly because the other meant a lot, but they were seen as an individual person. Their (or your) decision to part is respected and only the best is wanted for the other person. IOW the decision to end it wasn't a reflection on anyone's value or worth, merely a decision that ultimately frees two people to obtain their own brand of happiness. It's just a realization that I don't need this person to be happy, my life hasn't changed, I hope them all the best. I am still me.
Some people get "over it" slowly because the other meant a lot and their leaving created a huge traumatic disruption in their life. Simply because the familiarity and partnership are gone, and a whole new life of patterns needs to be established.
Some people get "over it" slowly because the other didn't mean much. They were only used to set value or self worth. The other person was a reflection of them.
So when the decision to end it was made, it meant one person took it too personally as though the other person was saying "you are not worth anything," or, "you aren't worth being an extension of." So they need the extra time to play victim in order to rationalize their behavior, to fit a patch on a short term definition of who they are, and then latch on to someone else to start the cycle over again.
So IMO
What does it mean to truly be "over" someone ?
means you aren't looking to replace them. You are content in your life and you would like to see them again, but if it never happens then you respect they know how to take care of their life, and you only think of them fondly.
When you can't seem to "get over" ( and want to) , does it mean something significant ?
IMO it usually means you don't really want to, because you enjoy using the pain or victim status or whatever emotions to keep from changing, moving forward, or really looking at yourself. | |
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| How can I forget ( or should I ) ?
Posted: 8/4/2009 8:24:05 PM | | In my book, you're over them when they no longer have any influence over you. They don't necessarily have to be just another person, they just can't pull on your heart strings anymore. As for the time it takes, your guess is as good as mine. Way back in the time of the pyramids, I fell in love with a woman who I ended up dating for about 4 months. I was over her in days. Of course, I was really ready for her to go away, also. She didn't treat me as well as she should have. Another lady, she was closer to the time of the Roman Empire, who I dated for maybe 6-8 months, had me reeling for over a year after she dumped me. I think it varies a lot by how attached you were and how well they treated you and probably several other factors I don't have the fingers to type. Hope this helps. | |
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| How can I forget ( or should I ) ?
Posted: 8/4/2009 8:30:28 PM | | I believe that being "unable" to get over someone reflects serious self-esteem issues. I speak from experience. It took me years to "get over" a guy in college--but now, I can just let things go if I have to. I'm not wallowing in the loss and am happier for having known the person, even if it ended, rather than not. I can still think well of that person and even rejoice in their happiness, even if that happiness is based on their new relationship. I may miss the closeness I had, the relationship, but I'm not pining for it to be the way it was. | |
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| How can I forget ( or should I ) ?
Posted: 8/4/2009 8:55:59 PM | | I think you are over someone when you can think of them and not feel any kind of emotional attachment to them. I guess a good test for this would be to ask yourself" can I be friends with this person and not harbour any emotion towards them?" | |
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| How can I forget ( or should I ) ?
Posted: 8/5/2009 12:04:27 AM | Being "over" someone is simple: Getting to the point when you are able to be thankful that you had the relationship, regardless how bad it was at it's lowest point, how good it was at it's highest point, or how badly it ended. The reason: you can look within yourself, see what needs to be seen, be thankful for the lesson(s) it brought you, and grow because of it. Sounds corny as shit, but true.
And OP, the answer is no. You should not forget. | |
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SJS37
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Joined: 7/21/2009
Msg: 14 | |
| How can I forget ( or should I ) ?
Posted: 8/5/2009 12:12:03 AM | | I think it depends on your personality. I would get over someone very fast because I am almost an obsessive compulsive. If I find someone I am interested in, my focus will shift quite fast. There will always be the memories and the woulda coulda shoulda done this or that thoughts and remembering how much I enjoyed her but the heartbroken stuff will fade as soon as someone else fills that void. | |
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| How can I forget ( or should I ) ?
Posted: 8/5/2009 12:21:27 AM | | I have been there got the t-shirt!! The reason i think we hang on so long is because our mind isn't occupied enough or by the right things.. All it will take is another great relationship and that will act like an eraser to the other.. Your love of your life will supercede all others when you find the one.. Until then when he creeps in your mind, do your damnest to focus on why your not together. Yes, focus on the bad parts and you'll be like ("Oh yeah, I forgot. He's an azz. Screw Him!!) Then be on your merry way!! | |
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| How can I forget ( or should I ) ?
Posted: 8/5/2009 10:34:55 AM | | For me it means waking up each day and NOT wondering what she is doing and the like, it seems to take forever but in reality doesn't. I've never 'not' wanted to get over anyone which may be a good sign, why would you want to extend any misery? I think how you break up with the person and how much you cared for them is the key about how long it'll take to move on, Captain Obvious talking there. | |
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| How can I forget ( or should I ) ?
Posted: 8/5/2009 12:34:50 PM | Ah, you wonder about the topic of a book I am going to write about!!!!
Accepting something can be easily portrayed as the cloud that is above our heads. Sometimes it’s a white fluffy cloud and other times, it’s dark and stormy. Sometimes we try and try again to convince ourselves (and others) that we are “over” something and that our cloud is white fluffy but, if we were to be honest with ourselves and dig to the middle of the cloud and look at what colour the centre is, then the whole cloud should be that colour.
Being truly over someone means that when you think of them, your cloud remains a nice white fluffy cloud… ALL THE WAY TO THE CENTRE OF IT. Many people may :say” it’s white and fluffy but… are they honestly being sincere with themselves or is that just what they want to believe? Getting over things are easier than others simply because some things are easier to get over than other things. I suspect you will get over spilling a glass of milk much easier than you will if your favourite pet dying.
When you can’t seem to get over something, it normally means that you are not yet willing to do so for reasons that you have. Of course it does not mean that that is wrong or bad, it simply means that you have not yet done so for your own reasons and not some odd reasons that defy all of man-kind.
Hope that helped! | |
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| How can I forget ( or should I ) ?
Posted: 8/5/2009 10:08:24 PM | For me, I've found that there was unfinished business. That is when it sticks to me. I learned a great technique, that actually suprised me when it worked.
You usually ponder over those memories. The technique is to go ahead and let your mind ponder , but then turn them black and white in your mind... hold the thought from vivid colors to black and white for a few seconds and then BLOW IT UP.
Sounds strange but it really works for me. whenever I find myself pondering, I do just that and it seems to help. Anyone else ever tried it? | |
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