| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/4/2009 7:19:55 PM | I have had a few discussions with friends on this lately.... and I can't help but wonder how it affects our choices in choosing a partner as we age. As we age, we often have more health issues, as I am sure most of us realize. It is not exclusive to age, no, but it does tend to become more of an issue..... and I think most of us want to be with someone who is in relatively the same health as ourselves.
A few of the men I have dated in the past have hidden some of their health issues from me until well past a month or two of dating, and some have been very vague when speaking of their health issues. Now, I don't pretend to be in perfect health by any means, but I don't hide my health issues from a prospective partner either. To me, it is an issue similar to financial health - you wish to be at similar places. It is not something I ask a ton of questions about, but I ask enough to get an idea as to what ballpark they are in.... something that matters to me, as I want a partner that I can enjoy life with - on all levels.
How do others feel on this? Do you consider a potential partner's health when getting to know them? Does it matter to you? Or do you think it is a non-issue? | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/4/2009 7:42:13 PM |
Do you consider a potential partner's health when getting to know them? Does it matter to you? Or do you think it is a non-issue?
yes, yes and no (in that order).
Yes, I consider it and yes, it matters.
I have no major life altering health problems and do everything I can to keep it that way. Someone with health problems that limits their ability to do physical things that I find enjoyable would be left in the parking lot a whole lot and that's not going to make for the type of relationship that I have in mind. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/4/2009 7:54:48 PM | | I do have health issues and I made that very clear on my profile, since for some men it would definitely be a problem. What I found surprising is that a great many men DON'T find it a problem. The man in my life considers it totally insignificant. He has some health problems also, and we both feel there is nothing we can't overcome together. Besides, he loves the fact that I can't outrun him around the bed!!! He is SUCH an animal! | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/4/2009 8:03:36 PM | Well, have to say at this stage in "the game", a man's health is an issue. I'm a healthy, active person requiring no meds etc. and I'm looking for an equally healthy mate. [yeah, yeah I know I smoke) But, there are worse things..........(It's the only thing I do bad.........LOL ) Surprising how some men see this as a dealbreaker....... while they pop their daily dose of meds for high blood pressure and what ever else ails them.........(Okay the "smoke police" can back off now......)
Like you OP, I'm looking for a healthy partner that I can enjoy life with. I'm not looking for a man who's looking for a nurse. May sound shallow, but I'd rather be alone than spend the rest of my days nursing a man. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/4/2009 8:03:37 PM |
How do others feel on this? I'm 60 years old and do not hide any health issues.
I'm straight-forward about the two prescription medications I use ... will even reveal it here:
Premarin ... used because I had a total hysterectomy back in 1985 (I used to tell the guys that with me it's practice, practice, practice),
and
Synthroid ... used because of hypothyroid problems (which means my thyroid is not as active as it used to be and if I don't get the medicine I might turn into a blimp because my metabolism would be sooooo slow that just looking at a piece of pie would cause me to gain 10 pounds ... sigh).
I have a lot of energy and am quite active with dancing, riding a bicycle, gardening, DIY projects ... the list goes on. Why would I even consider getting together with a man who would not be physically capable of doing at least those things with me ... or some of those things?
Of course, I didn't even mention (as I will now) ... I want a man who can also have a good physical relationship with me as well ... since I'm still capable of that as well.
Do you consider a potential partner's health when getting to know them? Does it matter to you? Absolutely!!!
Or do you think it is a non-issue? It's a very big issue to me.
And if a man doesn't want me because of my "medical problems" ... I would fully understand. It's a two-way street. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/4/2009 8:15:52 PM | It matters to me if I go on a date and I recognize someone with a copd cough from smoking I will be freinds but I can't go any further than that.
I am not perfect by any means but I do try my hardest to stay healthy by eating right, excersizing, and I drink very little.
I am not expecting for someone to be 20 but I do want someone that has the motivation to take care of themselves so they can live many more years.
In fact I think it would be fun to work on it together with someone.
Of course never say never, but motivation is required.
I | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/4/2009 9:22:40 PM | It is a huge issue for me, especially mental health, having had two LTRs with men with mental health problems.
I think physical health is also important. I just dated someone who is quite debilitated with arthritis or something. He could barely climb into a car. My lifestyle is physically demanding and I know that he could not share it with me as a partner unless I became his nursemaid. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/4/2009 9:38:21 PM | I don't think it matters any more than it did 30+ years ago. It's just that now at over 50 we've had a partial lifetime of wear, tear, and bad lifestyle choices. It's why I think honesty and going slow is a good practice.
Any woman I take up with in the future will find that my past is an open book. I would expect the same in return.
There are some lifestyle choices that I won't abide. A heavy former smoker or even current "occasional" smoker is a no-no. There are others, including obesity. Big turn-off.
What I find interesting is that all this precautionary thinking can be all for naught: it only takes a moment of inattention and anyone of us can be a grease spot on the pavement. All that taking care and living well wasted, so to speak.
TK
{does daily naproxen raise any red flags?} | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/4/2009 10:57:10 PM |
{does daily naproxen raise any red flags?}
A case-control study suggested that patients who consumed 5000 or more pills containing NSAIDs during their lifetime may be at increased risk of end-stage renal disease. http://www.drugs.com/sfx/naproxen-side-effects.html
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 12:41:40 AM | And then there are the health issues that men over 45 want to ignore like STD's. Seems like there are too many that post on the threads that think if they don't have sex by the 3rd date they are kicking the chick to the curb. I bet the guy doesn't know the woman's parents names let alone her sexual history! That isn't all men that post! Just some.
I have been pretty vocal about a guy I dated that was more than few pounds over weight. He couldn't move around. Gosh he wasn't even 45 come to think of it. I think he is 43 now. Anyway, he has had gout and I wouldn't be a bit surprised if he doesn't have hbp, type II diabetes, and who knows what all. Of course when I first emailed him he told me about how he and his son were going to the gym together. It has been over a year now, but pretty sure the last week I went out with him is when I found out his son went to drug rehab for heroine addiction. He never went to exercise. He lied to get me to go out with him.
When I was on here dating, I had my don't do's. If someone wanted to do a date such as going for long walks, I would let them know I couldn't. But if it was dinner or something, I usually told them after I met them that I can't do long walks etc. I thought it was important to be honest with them because I wanted them to be honest with me.
I don't know if there is much you can do to change people from hiding the truth. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 5:58:07 AM | Mental health - I agree that mental health is just as important as physical and emotional health. I once dated a man, who wasn't necessarily diagnosed with any specific mental health ailment, but I don't think he would have known the truth if it hit him in the face.... to me, the level of lying with him was pathological.... and was definitely some kind of mental health issue.
Physical health - I think it is important... it also goes to how you spend your time together... are you outdoorsy?.... do you like going for long walks? ..... do you enjoy dancing the nite away?...... I know for me, I may not be in perfect health, but I can go for the long walks, the dancing.... and have a greater energy for living than many.... so yes, it matters to me.
Emotional health - It is just as important, isn't it? No one really wants a partner who has their own luggage train tagging along behind them.... that is a complete turn off to me - and I would imagine to most others.
Are these things that you consider when looking at someone in the first few dates? The lying and lack of baggage are often discussed, as we feel we have a right to know. BUT.... what I have noticed is that we often don't discuss the physical health.... there is the obvious aspects, like smoking and overweight..... but as we know, there is a lot more than that to physical health.
Do we have the right to ask about their physical health too?.... as much as we do the other aspects (smoking, baggage, lying, etc.)? ......... What do other posters think? | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 6:14:17 AM | Me thinks having a disease for 30 years has taught me to be upfront and not appologize for crap...the only disease i run from is "conrad black disease"
the symptoms are unrealistic expectations of life and a general feeling of false esteem...........their are tons like that who think coin is a tool to build esteem and they are the ones whom jump out windows in crisis.
when you think your shiney cuz of health and exclude yourself from someone cuz of the "what" and not the "whom"...well lets just say it show's something about maturity............roar. is your choice indeed.
no i do not have a need to judge people by what they are ...instead i choose the criteria of "whom you are" ..............that is my story and i am stickin to it. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 6:33:18 AM | 13karat,
This is a good question because as we age, most of us will have faced, or have faced, health issues. Giving the benefit of the doubt, I wonder if some people are simply feel that body issues are something in which to feel shame, instead of a natural part of the aging and human experience. Perhaps finding a gentle way, in which both parties feel comforted instead of wary, may be an approach....perhaps even kick off the conversation by talking about health insurance, as that is front and foremost on the national agenda.
Best to you,
Ann | |
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*Echo*
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Joined: 1/16/2008
Msg: 15 | |
| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 7:20:16 AM | No, not an issue.
Healthy lifestyle, emotional and mental well-being is far more important. Health issues are part of life, and anybody's health can change irrevocably on a dime, the most active and energetic people included, at any age.
The happiest couples are not those who do absolutely everything together but those who also spend some time apart, so if one person likes rock-climbing and the other can only walk -- that could be their time apart. Flexibility is the key, not being identical; that also applies to being able to adjust when/if your own health deteriorates, which, in most cases, is inevitable anyway.
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 7:30:13 AM |
And then there are the health issues that men over 45 want to ignore like STD's. Seems like there are too many that post on the threads that think if they don't have sex by the 3rd date they are kicking the chick to the curb. There are a lot of men out there with HERPES and they are not telling their partners.
One man I know even said that at our age it doesn't matter since the only real danger of a woman having HERPES is that it endangers a baby at birth ... otherwise it's just like any other somewhat annoying little problem. SAY WHAT???!!!???
All I can say is that I have made it this far in my life without ever having had any kind of STD and I don't intend to start now ... just because some thoughtless guy has to get his dipstick wet with every woman he goes out with. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 7:40:15 AM | This has not been an issue for me but I met one guy who certainly had issues. There were some initial concerns I was willing to overlook just for the sake of phone conversation and a first meet... like living with his daughter and son-in-law. Then he flaked out and disappeared briefly. Reappeared and told me he was having some medical problems, speficially -- high blood pressure. So now he's not working either. Okay... it's getting worse but meeting ain't marrying so I'm still open minded. Then he flakes out and disappears again. Reappears and tells me he was "getting vibes" that I was turned off by his health issues. WTF?!?! Is he having hallucinations too?! LOL!
Ya know... my overall health is maybe fair. I have a sedentary job and don't get enough exercise in my supposedly free time, plus I learned last year that I'm beginning to have blood pressue issues. I'm not looking for Jack LaLanne Jr. A very fit and health conscious guy would get on my nerves as much a person with a less healthy lifestyle. But I DO enjoy doing things so person's whose health precludes those activities wouldn't be a good fit either. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 8:05:08 AM | Sorry but call me selfish, shallow or what ever but health issues would be a deal breaker for me.
At the advanced ripe old age of 59 I have zero health issues and never had any health issues in my past life. I have a size 32 waist and weight in at 155 lbs. work out a bit pretty much everyday and have a hard muscular type build. My intention is to keep it this way until I drop dead. My sex drive is the same as when in my twenties. Perhaps I am just lucky but would need a partner who can keep up. I do not want to give the impression that I am not compassionate as I am sure no one asked to have the health problems they have. Just saying I need someone who can keep up as I have trouble even sitting for more than 10 minutes at a time. Once here on POF I mentioned I prefer younger women for this reason and really got gunned down! | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 8:08:52 AM | To focus on any issues, including health issues, is to focus on the negative, and we should focus on the positive when dating or in a relationship, like laughter and sexual allure. When you talk about your health issues on a first date, kinda kills the good mood and any sparks, don'tcha think?
Even if we're completely physically healthy, most of us are LONELY (which is why we're here), which is a mental health issue. Why discuss it? Why not try to solve it?
Health issues will become obvious. The trick is working around them and through them. No sense discussing them, until they impede the normal dating process, and then decide how much we like each other as to whether the health issues are issues.
Normal tendency is to look for someone healthier (or at least AS healthy) as us. Why would anyone want a liability, except out of caregiver instinct, which is an admirable motivation... | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 8:22:00 AM |
Even if we're completely physically healthy, most of us are LONELY (which is why we're here), which is a mental health issue. Why discuss it? Why not try to solve it?
The fact is at our age I highly doubt most people come with a clean bill of health.. Many are on medications and have health issues.
Although all I take daily is vitamins I do not doubt that one day I myself might be in need of some meds?
Then let us assume you found someone like myself that was not taking any medications or had any health issues at the present time, could I guarantee you that tomorrow I might not be? Of course not!!! You can count on it happening as I age. If I am truly looking for a LTR than that should be expected. Things can have a way of changing on a dime can you adjust to that?
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 9:35:44 AM | | I think finding someone that can match your level of activity is important... and of course, things can happen in the future to either one of you, but starting out and building the bond and hopes for a future requires some common ground. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 9:36:27 AM |
When you talk about your health issues on a first date, kinda kills the good mood and any sparks, don'tcha think? It depends on how it is discussed and what. In my case, I did a first date with my bf at Gettysburg Battlefield. That includes some walking on some hilly and uneven areas, so I asked to hold his arm. I am normally not someone that invades or allows someone to invade my space, but after holding his arm, my hand slid into his. It wasn't planed by either of us, it just happened and was really nice. So in my case talking to him about my issues and getting his assistance helped our relationship.
Now a really nice guy I went out with a couple years ago has diabetes. He was drinking beer and I was down wind of him. Talk about stink city and then he said he had to go get his shot and lifted his shirt to show his belly where he would be injecting it. I don't feel like that was a good way to tell me.
If you are in a wheelchair, probably a good idea to someone before the date. Other things, heck I think it depends on what it is, when it would be appropriate to tell them. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 9:48:43 AM | | I'm fine with being placed on an ice floe when I become burdensome. Don't worry about having to suffer through any prolonged care-taking. And if at some point my pecker quits working, I'd pack my bag and wander back out to where I wandered in from. I can't do anything about getting older but since we all are headed in that direction anyway, why not share the Grand Decline with whatever aplomb we have left? Now, give us a kiss, and go take your meds. Your eyes are getting that glassy look. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 10:11:43 AM | I do have health issues and I made that very clear on my profile, since for some men it would definitely be a problem. What I found surprising is that a great many men DON'T find it a problem. - ForumFilly
Very brave of you, ForumFilly. While I have not disclosed on my profile, I do generally bring it up in either the first couple of emails or IMs.
Definitely before we meet. Because it is a problem for some & why waste each other's time, if so.
However OP, my situation is a little different that your original question, as my health problems are not a recent developement. I was
diagnosed with arthritis when I was 18 years old & with fibromyalgia & CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome)in my early 30s.
And while I agree with this to some extent:
and I think most of us want to be with someone who is in relatively the same health as ourselves.
it isn't always a realistic goal & I would imagine that HOW important a factor it is in assessing compatibility, would vary from one individual to
the next. JMO. | |
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| Health issues and finding a partner at our age
Posted: 8/5/2009 10:19:05 AM |
I'm fine with being placed on an ice floe when I become burdensome. Don't worry about having to suffer through any prolonged care-taking.
Well you do know when you love someone you want to take care of them for as long as it is humanly possible. I hated putting my mother in the hospital the last week of her life. However she did not wish to pass away at home for some reason which will forever remain a mystery to me.
thecatsmeoww | |
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