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| Sex and other outrageous behaviour in teenagers???
Posted: 8/4/2009 10:54:13 PM | I have the sweetest, most adorable little 6 year old daughter. I can not possibly imagine anything from her but put sweetness, because that is all I get from her...so far.
Of course I hear all of the stories about adolescence and the changes that happen when kids become teenagers. I talked with a close friend today and found out something so scary! Her 15 year old daugher, who just 2 years ago was this shy, sweet, innocent, adorable young girl and now she is 15, has 2 serious STD's and is 5 weeks pregnant!
This girl, who was so sweet and innocent a couple of years ago, has turned to the Goth hair and makeup style, she has been caught using drugs, she has been caught sneaking out of the house, she's been caught sneaking boys into the house, she has had sex with more than one boy in the same night! Her mother has tried to have good communication with her, she has tried to be a part of her social life, she has taken the additude of allowing her friends to come to her house rather than her going out with them.
As the mother of a young daughter it is terrifying to me to see this sad situation just get further and further out of control! This is so tragic to me!
Is this how all the teens are in today's society or is this kid especially outrageous? (For what it is worth, we live in a rather upscale community and she is in an upscale high school, so she is not in a bad school) My daughter and I are very close, however this mother/daughter are too. Can anyone give any advice, thoughts on this? | |
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| Sex and other outrageous behaviour in teenagers???
Posted: 8/4/2009 11:04:35 PM | | Complete loser, long gone. Guess that might be a point, hadn't really thought of that. Thankfully my daughters father is very much a part of her life, so we have a much different situation in that respect. | |
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| Sex and other outrageous behaviour in teenagers???
Posted: 8/4/2009 11:10:19 PM | Actually statistics show that the presence of a father in the home is a significant factor in preventing teenage promiscuity and pregnancy.
Perhaps it's the old-fashioned "dad would kill me" (for her) and "her dad would kill me" (for him) deterrent.
Perhaps it's that a girl who grows with a father learns to relate to other men and to express care in ways other than sex.
Perhaps a girl who grows in a single-mom home is not as afraid of being in such a situation as a girl who grows in a 2-parents home.
Who knows? | |
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| Sex and other outrageous behaviour in teenagers???
Posted: 8/4/2009 11:20:04 PM | From my experience as a counselor intern, I've seen the attitudes of the richer children be much worse than that of the poorer children. Being upscale affords these children more opportunities to get into trouble with drugs because there is more money. Often times, the fancier neighborhoods are filled with soccer moms, fancy houses and paved driveways with little interaction with real nature. So that plays a part too.
I do think it's extremely important for children to be well informed, to be raised up Christian--what I think personally...not my counselor view--and for very open and intense communication to occur from very young ages... that way, when the child becomes a teen, they will talk to their parents, or at least listen... and they will have that foundation to fall back on in their hearts and the backs of their minds.
I don't think the girl needs a sex therapist. At this point, she needs heavy limits. Too many teens have no limits and the children tell the parents what the teen will do. Much of it is flip flopped. if anything, the girl needs proper support so that she can raise her child and finish school. Counseling will be of utmost importance as well... but not sex counseling. It could take some time to find a decent counselor. Start asking around to see who may know of a good counselor. Be careful about churches counseling the girl. While I am a Christian... more harm has come to me at the hands of Catholic nuns and holier-than-thou-Christians who blame everything on the woman ... etc. Use your instinct... or her mother can... to find the right path with counseling. STD's, and teen pregnancy come with eye opening realities all by themselves. She'll most likely shape up now that she's really screwed up.... but the key is to support her and help her and her baby now...and not abandon them.
I'm sure there are cases where the parents did all the above things, and the children still go awry. I worry about my children as well, and sometimes when one of them gets a smart mouth... I really wonder if I will have as much influence on them in a few years as I do now. I just really try to be sure they know where I stand and what I expect, that I will never leave them, and will always stand up for them, and will come to help them anytime no matter what. I think it makes a difference. I'll let you know in 3 years how things are going... when they are about 15...
Regarding the father thing... females get their love from their fathers... and when they don't get that, they tend to look for that male love elsewhere. This is the number one factor related to having a father actively involved... AND treating the mother right. The key once there is no decent father is to have a strong male role model close to the family... such as an uncle, a friend, a church member... etc. The same role model is needed for boys as well. | |
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| Sex and other outrageous behaviour in teenagers???
Posted: 8/4/2009 11:21:30 PM | No, not all boys and girls are like this, but the goth movement is played by thousands. You have to figure you see more of it because the media likes to play it up. If it isn't something raunchy the media doesn't want to print it. You never hear about the Christian cheerleaders, you only hear about the ones who have been in the bed with adult men. You rarely hear about the drug free girls who grow up to be doctors and accountants and successful businesswomen, you only hear about the ones who use every pill they can get their hands on.
You have one girl who is doing all kinds of wild things. Have you ever thought to simply ask her WHY? People tend to work themselves up into frenzies about things, jump to conclusions about things when they can often (but not always) simplify the situation by simply asking Why?
I would recommend a counselor and even then someone who will not straight out condemn her for her actions (the fire and brimstone kind of lecture), but try honestly to find out why she does what she does and gently work into trying to fix the problem.
The old book HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE by DALE CARNEGIE works wonders, and using his proven techniques on her might just change her.
All of the children I baby sat some while back are now all successful and or happy. My secret? THAT BOOK. | |
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| Sex and other outrageous behaviour in teenagers???
Posted: 8/4/2009 11:25:35 PM | I'm not saying the girl needs a sex therapist, I'm saying the mom could use advice from a sex therapist...
Somebody for whom this is there domain could teach the parents all kind of tricks in how to broach the subject and stuff...
We are talking about how you could prevent your child from falling into the trap aren't we? | |
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| Sex and other outrageous behaviour in teenagers???
Posted: 8/4/2009 11:49:05 PM | FlameNFire, since your friends daughter is NOT your problem, I will address what YOU can do...
I raised two teen daughters, and they are both adults now...
My oldest is 25, next is 22...
Oldest didn't want to know about sex, but I followed her around the house telling her about it anyway... Neither of them were allowed to date until they were 15, and that was a double date, where they were in a public place and mom, and my ex, their step dad could check in on them...
At 16 my oldest asked me if she could go with her friends to planned parenthood, I hit the freaking car roof, and ranted I was locking her in her room til she was 18... My ex finally got me to shut up, and asked me if I wanted her to get preggers, or be smart enough to feel she needed to go to planned parenthood...
It took me 6 hours to get her to open up to talk again, and that is because she wanted to go to bed, and it wasn't happening til we chatted... Told her the damn OB threw out her instructions when she was born, so I feel on my face... Agreed she could go to planned parent hood, BUT that she'd have to see an actual gyn within a couple months..
Next child was hell on wheels as a teen, however she wasn't into sex, and she stayed away from drinking, and only tried pot at 15... I wanted to kick her fanny for that, then my oldest admitted to trying it...
My oldest also admitted to losing her virginity when she was 15, when she was 18, and I could no longer kick her butt...
When my oldest at 15, wanted to go out of the house in an extremely short skirt, I refused to let her out of the house, she protested, and said I was only that way because I was raised in an uptight religion... I told her I didn't care if Jesus himself came down and gave Nuns permission to dress in a skirt that short, she still wasn't going out of the house like that... She continued but I have shorts on, which I countered and the BOYS don't know that...
The reality is this...I never let my daughters dress trampy at 11 or so... I taught them how to wear make up and do their hair, which was age appropriate... I told them they had to get to know themselves and what they wanted to do with their life, before they started dating...
Neither has had out of wedlock babies (babies in general). In fact my oldest has talked with friends young teen daughters about the promiscuity they want to venture in to, because some 17 yr old boy or so wants to have sex with these young girls.
The reality, your daughter will do what she will do... If you want her to have good morals you have to demonstrate them, even if that means you made mistakes in your own life... IE: I had both of my daughters out of wedlock at 19 and 22...
I didn't have anyone to turn to, and was an abused kid, bounced around in the foster care system... On my own at 18, preggers at 19...
These are the things that can make or break what a young girl decides to do, and how she views the world... I was raised that people didn't have sexual feelings or desires until they were married...
My now 13 yr old son, is hitting the stage where he is really impressed with his body, and I am constantly on him that he's to wait until he's 25... Of course we know that is some what of a joke, but still I tell him he is to not be out just doing it like his cousins that are 17, and his brother who is 22, has 2 yr old twins, getting a divorce, after getting married because he got the girl preggers...
I am open about this, because as a parent it can be tough, and a parent has to talk about things straight up matter of fact, and honestly. Kids are gonna ask questions, and will wonder WHY you hold them to a higher standard if YOU don't have a higher standard yourself as a parent...
Sure I hear that kids with two parents do better... However the reality is this, you don't know if you will be married by then, or if that person will be wanting to kick some guys butt if he touches your angel...
My oldest went through that with my ex, and he straight up told the first guy she officially dated that if he messed with her, he'd get a visit from him.. LOL she wanted to die, but NOW appreciates the fact that we were as strict as we were...
We put down rules with our kids, and my ex an I parent our son as a team... We both have partners in our lives, and we are both friendly with each others partner... This is to make sure that both homes are on the same page... Some days my ex is not thrilled that I call him, and take issue with some of the things going on at his house (his gf hasn't moved in yet, so there is a LOT of male testosterone going on) my son told me that his dad and 22 yr old bro told him NOT to be telling me... I told my ex, that doesn't fly and this is a team effort, he needs to keep the porn, and sex chatter out of my 13 yr old sons eyes and ears. Our son will get into enough when he gets older, so he doesn't need an early start...
Good luck... Sounds like your friends daughter has a mess on her hands... | |
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| Sex and other outrageous behaviour in teenagers???
Posted: 8/4/2009 11:57:07 PM |
Her mother has tried to have good communication with her, she has tried to be a part of her social life, she has taken the additude of allowing her friends to come to her house rather than her going out with them. Not knowing the woman but reading this, perhaps she was too controlling and the daughter rebelled? Perhaps the daughter went this route versus an eating disorder. It is really hard to tell. The only thing you know for sure is that this little girl has big trouble now and this is the result of signs the mother missed.
I am not a perfect mother and don't pretend to be. I know that my kids have tried alcohol, but don't drink. They know about drugs and have seen the results of them. Hopefully they have seen enough that they won't want to try them. I know at age 12, I wanted to try drugs. For whatever reasons, the educational system made them seem like I needed to find out if they were telling the truth. My kids fortunately don't have and haven't had that attitude.
Alls you can do is try to keep open with your daughter. Use the stupid TV shows that show alcohol, sex, drug abuse, physical abuse etc. to talk to her. Yeah, the kids think it is corny, but it gives me a good excuse to bring it up.
My kids are 13, 17, and 24. So far so good. | |
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| Sex and other outrageous behaviour in teenagers???
Posted: 8/5/2009 6:32:47 AM | | Your friend failed. It is that simple. You don't just get up one morning and go goth. Some one took this kid shopping and let her buy all the goth crap, let her hang out after school the other F-ups and did not keep control. On the bright side in three more years she can start working at on one the strip clubs in your area. When I see kids with the goth crap on smoke outside of the mall, I see parents that don't care or just don't know how to say NO!!!! I have told my oldest girl that she can not play with some other kids that live near by, because they have parents that don't know how to be parents and they are starting to be bad kids. My girl did not even ask why when I said you can't go over to their house any more. Funny thing is I saw it coming for years, I knew their kids would turn out bad, because the parents did not step up and parent. | |
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| Sex and other outrageous behaviour in teenagers???
Posted: 8/5/2009 7:19:03 AM |
Is this how all the teens are in today's society or is this kid especially outrageous? (For what it is worth, we live in a rather upscale community and she is in an upscale high school, so she is not in a bad school)
No, all teens today are not that way... but it appears a considerable number, maybe even the majority, are. No, the girl is not especially outrageous. I've heard of better, worse and similar.
Hard to believe it has been almost 15 years since I left the juvenile court system. I'm sure some things have changed but others pretty much remain a constant. My observations told me that socio-economic situations have little to do with intelligence or morality. Kids from poor families may engage in sexual activity under the mistaken impression that if they become pregnant they can get out on their own and they'll do things differently. Kids from well-to-do families may engage in sexual activity out of boredom or on a bet. Personally, I'm of the opinion under-informed kids of any financial circumstance will engage in sexual activity out of curiosity.
My daughter and I are very close, however this mother/daughter are too. Can anyone give any advice, thoughts on this?
It is possible they are/were not close in ways it really matters. There's a difference between shopping and doing lunch like girlfriends while talking about BS like fashion and engaging in juvenile conversations about who likes whom, and fostering an atmosphere where anything can be and is discussed in a factual, rationale manner.
This girl, who was so sweet and innocent a couple of years ago, has turned to the Goth hair and makeup style
 I doubt makeup and hair product soaked thru her tiny skull and turned her into a deviant. If that were possible, Tammy Faye Baker would have been the wh*** of Babylon. 
she has been caught sneaking out of the house, she's been caught sneaking boys into the house, she has had sex with more than one boy in the same night! Her mother has tried to have good communication with her, she has tried to be a part of her social life, she has taken the additude of allowing her friends to come to her house rather than her going out with them.
I gotta tell ya, I don't advocate child abuse, but there are d*** sure ways of stopping behavior like the above and I wouldn't concern myself with what the authorities are gonna say or do to me if they find such an incorrigible and willful child chained to a bed or a teenage boy with a bullet wound on my lawn. Maybe that's a knee-jerk reaction and my mouth is writing checks my a** can't cash but when a child reaches such a point it's time for something besides talking and half-a**ed grounding, such as in or out-patient therapy. | |
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| Sex and other outrageous behaviour in teenagers???
Posted: 8/5/2009 8:11:55 AM | Sweetie, take a breath. Many of the kids these days are exactly like the girl you describe, many with two parent intact nuclear families but many of them aren't. She is well off, I am not surprised because many of the wealthier kids get whatever they want and often have little supervision. Did mom spend time with the kids, real time, not just taking them places and doing things with them but talking to her girlfriend instead of her kids? Often, people don't do what they should from the time the kids are young and then they have an out-of-control teen on their hands and they don't know why. OR your poor friend has wound up with one of those kids that no matter what you did, would have wound up screwed up. Or she was abused and never told her mother, something that often results in permiscuous behavior.
I have never had problems with my daughter's attire. If she had gone goth or whatever, that would have been okay as long as she didn't look like a ho and I really haven't had problems with it, possibly because I have told her that some females come to believe that the only way they can attract a male is with their bodies but generally, the nice boys don't want that type of girl. She has no desire to wear inappropriate clothing. They might like looking, etc. but the kind of girl they take home to mom, leaves a little bit to the imagination instead of boobs popping out all over the place. My boys also would not be attracted to the skank look because my boys don't want to be around a girl who is screwing her boyfriend after a week (this from my 14-year-old son). My main rules with self-expression is no piercings except in their ears or tats until they are over 18 and pay for it themselves and then, they better take the metal out of their face before they come to my house if they are dumb enough to have crap poking out of their eyebrows or their lip. My middle son has recently started buying Bob Marley T-shirts, belt buckles, etc. and it is not like I am jazzed that half of them have pot leaves somewhere in the design but who is he hurting with a t-shirt, I would rather have him wear it than smoke it.
I think the difference maybe between me and other parents I see based on what their kids are doing, is that I have always talked with my children not at them, I have never spoken to them like they are mentally retarded (don't mean to offend anyone by that) just because they are short. It was my instinct that was later substantiated by a psychologist, and with alcoholics out the kazoo on both sides of the family, to start speaking with my children about teenage issues by the time my daughter was 8. As many of these convos took place with the boys in the vehicle, they were literally there for the ride probably from an even younger age. And I was TRUTHFUL and didn't take the tack that they should just not do stuff, i.e. I haven't forbid it. I explained it was stupid but ultimately they would have to make those choices for themselves.
I have been honest with my kids about drinking and smoking pot in high school, why I stopped doing both, and also that I waited to have sex until I was 18 but I should have waited longer and for the right person because I wasn't emotionlly mature enough to be having sex. I have taught my kids that they need to value themselves and make decisions based on what they want and not a boy in my daughter's case, for my boys, they should do more than wait for a girl to tell them no, to hold the same standards I want for my daughter. And when my son asked for condoms a year ago because he wanted to check it out so he knew how to use them and would be prepared at a later date, I had to suck it up and put my money where my mouth was and buy them if I wanted to make sure he used them when he DID become sexually active.
People that lie to their kids and pretend that they never did any of the experimenting they did are stupid. The kids smell the lies a mile away and you lose your credibility, why should they listen to you? Kids don't necessarily listen when you tell them don't do something without any type of explanation; better to give them reasons to agree with you than their only emotional line of defense to peer pressure is my mother told me not to do it. For people that honestly didn't do anything, you should tell your children stories about how you saw people screwing up their lives, how they thought they wouldn't get hurt (because bad things happen to other people) or whatever and then wound up preggers, like one of my daughter's friends. Full ride on a softball scholarship, winds up pregnant and her mother made her have the baby, she lost the scholarship and I guess apparently will be raising a child now instead of peparing for her future.
My daughter didn't really want to drink to begin with and she has since seen two cousins buried because of drunk driving. They have also watched their aunts and uncles drinking and think they are stupid. You don't want your kids drinking, you get the police to do things at the school, to show footage of the results of drunk driving but I also read something years ago in a book about ADD/ADHD and it made a great deal of sense to me. If you want your kids to actually call for the ride when they are teens, you have to make a deal with them that even if they lied about where they were going and what they were doing, if they called because they shouldn't be driving or their friend shouldn't be driving, you pick them up with no repercussions, no punishment. My parents told me to call and hell would have frozen over before I did because I knew if I called I was definitely going to get nailed rather than potentially avoiding punishment.
You don't want your kid dressed like a streetwalker, you don't let them buy the clothes and if they are upset about it, you tell them why those things are inappropriate and the type of guys they will attract. In essence, you teach your daughter starting a few years from now how to be a lady and that you don't have to use mind altering substances to have fun.
I drank probably because everybody else was but also to escape my nightmare of a mother. My ex is bipolar, if any kids have reason to drink/smoke pot, mine do and yet they're not, keeping finger's crossed on that one because I know at any time that could change, probably not with my daughter but one of the boys could wind up getting a hair before they are off to college. During the teen years, you have to balance treating them more like adults and remembering they are kids. My boys are 10 and 14, are at the age when they don't necessarily want mom kissing them in front of their friends but yannow, they still want you to do it. My middle son is struggling with his temper and there have been times when I just hugged him and he has hugged back and cried because he doesn't want to be like his father. And that too is important. One of my daughter's friends killed himself this year. He had an argument with his dad. Dad allowed him to cool off and headed out to patch things up and found him hanging from the rafters of the garage. We assume that he was upset because he upset his dad. That's something I have always made sure to do, after arguments with the kids I make sure they know I didn't like what they did but still love them.
Sounds to me like your daughter's friend has self-esteem issues and she is desperate for attention. We don't know details about your friend but I wouldn't attribute it to the lack of a dad in the household. If the kid isn't in counseling she should be. And part of this is antithetical to parental instincts. I think because I haven't created this tight little box to watch my kids or totally regimented expectations for behavior, they don't feel the need to act out and assert their independence. With your daugther's friend, maybe she felt like her mom is perfect and she couldn't measure up. If dad isn't involved, maybe she is doing the things she is doing with boys because she is seeking her father's love through them. | |
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| Sex and other outrageous behaviour in teenagers???
Posted: 8/5/2009 10:04:56 AM | There are an handful of children like this in every high school and there always have been. They may not have dressed like Goths but you can find out of control kids all over. I went to one of the top high schools in the country and graduated in 1981, it was mostly upper middle class two parent households and WE had about 2-3 girls exactly the same way. They were dressed pathetically trashy, slept with dozens of different guys, used lots of drugs and at the 20 year reunion looked as is they had not changed very much.
This kid is crying for attention and probably has mental health issues as well. It is not nessesarily gender specific or economic based. My son is a HS student, his friends are all active in the Arts or sports, clubs and get good grades. His friends are being raised in both single parent and dual parent households. And some dress in all black and listen to Goth type music. | |
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| Sex and other outrageous behaviour in teenagers???
Posted: 8/5/2009 10:25:52 AM | Needing to clean up my falling asleep post...
There are three rules to dealing with teens, that will save you a lot of insanity...
Do not stress out if:
1. It is not illegal
2. Immoral
3. hurting anyone
My oldest had the most beautiful dark hair, yet she had it colored in stripes of a major crayon box...
My son who is not 13 has also went through major hair colors...
These two get extremely good grades, in fact the oldest graduated HS, with her senior yr taking college classes and got high honors...
My 13 yr old is smart as all get out, and will probably do the same...
Middle daughter total handful, BUT she is at a University getting her PH.D.
Oldest at 25 yrs has her bachelors, and an AA in Business...
There were times where my oldest would wear funky head coverings that made people look at her, and then scowl at me... Meh, so what, we went to movies, and the mall a lot when she was a teen so I didn't have to worry about her...
OF course she did do her tricky little thing at 15, and that was because she was such a trust worthy child that an hour out with her HS bf, when he was supposed to forever go away to Ca, talked her into giving it up... Nothing I could change when she told me at 18, after she graduated HS...
She did run around wild, and spread leg free, she learned from her choice...
My middle daughter went through a phase of wearing black, and would put hundreds of safety pins in her clothes... Geez the bill on having those damage heating elements in the dryer...
She was not the type that sleep around at all as a teen, and had two serious bf after getting out of HS...
The main thing you have to remember is to ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS make sure that YOUR DOOR is open, no matter how hard it could be to hear what they have to ask or say.
As well, I stressed VERY HARD not to be with ANYONE that you were NOT in love with, and that messing around just for kicks would ruin a reputation, and your health...
Both hurt from being raised early from a hard working single mum... I was always there, because I worked in graves, and when they were in school, my part time job... However it ruined my health, and they watched me go from a very strong woman, to someone who worked but was extremely sick...
That one thing has stuck deeply and they fear having children out of wedlock, because they don't want to get sick... Which hurts my heart, because life is not like that...
A parent can only do so much, then THEY have to follow what they believe is truly right... Which as I said, if you are a GOOD example, then they will think of that aspect, compared to kids who have a lousy home life, with drunkard, drugged out parents... | |
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| Sex and other outrageous behaviour in teenagers???
Posted: 8/5/2009 11:34:42 AM | Good morning FlameNFire:
I feel for you. Your friend, well, she is not a good parent. I feel for what she is going to have to go through now, and my heart breaks for this 15 year old girl.
Being a good parent knows no socioeconomic boundaries, and is not prejudiced against single or intact families, and does not require a religious background. Just because the numbers tell you so, does not make it so, they are just numbers and all of us, at any point in time can choose to change the way we parent.
I commend you for asking this question, as your daughter is at a great age for you to start setting boundaries and developing your very own set of fundamental beliefs and core values as a parent. You are the key. The lessons and actions you teach now, are built upon year after year, and barring a medical or emotional disorder, your daughter regardless, of what you earn, whether you are married or not, can be an exciting, curious intelligent and smart young woman, full of compassion and empathy.
Many parents today, are divorced, and indulge their children in areas that make my hair curl. I, at times, am so embarrassed and ashamed by my peer group of adults. I see children today, who don't even know that they are supposed to respect the elderly, they who helped build our society. The lack of parameters in our society has us all paying a very very dear price today. And it all, starts in the home. What do you do to prevent what you are witnessing now with your friend? Be the parent. Be the adult. And by doing this, your presence in your daughter life will command respect, which will follow her to her tween and teen years, and further as an adult where she will command respect herself. Take a moment to look up the definitions, of command and demand.
Here is a simple fact that will start helping you today. Your daughter is a child, and younger than you. You will never be in her peer group. Ever. So don't try to be. When she is much older, you will become good friends with a foundation that was built on respect and love. You have your friends, she has her. You can be friendly, but not her friend.
Do not derive your emotional needs from your daughter. Get it from your fellow women friends, just as men get it from their male friends, or should as opposed to getting it from women or their children. You are training her to leave you, as a good young woman, with a set of fundamental core values, that are non negotiable, and a set of parameters that will change by her choice as she gets older, that represent her core values.
You may be asking how? All of these words...how does this come about? By putting your daughter first for the right reasons. When your daughter goes for her first job interview, they are not going to care whether she grew up with money, two parents, or anything about what her family was like. They are going to hire her because of what she brings to the table. In that alone, they will know what kind of family she came from. Is she responsible and accountable for her actions? Does she know how to make amends, that allow her to sleep at night? These are part of the tools that you are going to succeed, not try, to give her. YOur the parent, her greatest teacher.
I have been raising four daughters for 15 years, and I have been sole support. I do not live by family. I came from a typical dysfunctional family, reeking of alcoholics, enablers, drug addicts and food addicts. So, learning good parenting skills, was challenging. I have worked the past ten years 60 hours a week, although I do get about two months time off a year. I am single. I have raised my children in the public school system, and my third is a sophomore in college with a full time job, going for her AA, and plans to transfer to UCLA for her Nursing Degree, and then is moving on to get her Nurse Practitioner's license. I have no doubt she will accomplish this. . My second is away at UCSC, with an AA. She has had this job for three years. My fourth is a junior and on the Track team. My eldest is in NYC, graduating UCLA last year. It takes time to see your results, but if you go by your gut and instinct, and don't cross your very own set of core values, even for your children, you will be successful. Trust me...they will still hate you, but for the right reasons.
I am, as the kids call me...psycho biatch momma...and yet, I regularly have my kid's friends show up at my door unannounced.
My kids have had chores since they started kindergarten. Why? Because the look of pride on their accomplishment was amazing, and started their sense of self satisfaction, and pride. When we walked into a store, there was none of this gimmie or I want the latest and greatest. If they saw something they wanted, they would say...Ohhh...I am going to put this on my birthday list or Christmas list. That is it. Hours in my house were spent on listing what they wanted, only to change the next month. As they got older, they were allowed to do certain chores that could earn them money. In that, there were countless hours spent on "how much more do I need and what can I do to get it?" Awesome negotiations, that were healthy would take place at young ages. Then they would take their hard earned money, and purchase what they needed. And these chores were not done to perfection, but they were done very well. This taught them, self discipline and self worth, the value of money and hard work. This taught them, you don't always like or enjoy what you do, to get what you need or want. All my kids have had a job since they were 14. When they were younger, it was one day a week, but they were out there. (This was not done because of my own economic conditions, but as a learning tool for them)
And I have had my share of heartbreak with my kids. It is inevitable, but is how they were handled it that makes the difference, and my mistakes run along the lines of, What the heck was I thinking to....okay...I am defintiely going to use this again, success!! I am a sloppy flawed human just like everyone else! But I am committed and dedicated, for the right reasons. We all will, on a moments notice, move heaven and earth, but I would be the fool to think my kids would not test boundaries, and at that, they would pay the consequence.
I tried to contact you but your setting would not allow me. If you would like to talk further, please contact me.
Okay....so fellow POF'rs ...bring it on.
T. | |
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| Sex and other outrageous behaviour in teenagers???
Posted: 8/5/2009 12:25:56 PM | Wow! Thanks so much for all the heartfelt replies. I realize that so many of you took the time to not only read my post but responded with sincere and lengthy replies, I so appreciate your thoughts and time! The one thing that struck me in reading what you all had to say is what incredible, strong, determined women there are on here! There are so many stories to tell, and I know that we are all just scratching the surface of what life has handed us to deal with. Certainly with some attempt at keeping on the subject and limiting the unnecessary details, also the concern over maintaining some anonymity since our posts are all attached to our profiles. I am just impressed, and empowered to know some of the other strong women on here! Thanks again.
The 15 year old that I started this post about is ending her pregnancy as I write this post. I had no part in that decision, nor will I comment on my opinion on whether that was the right or wrong thing to do. She has been placed on very strong medication to try and address the STD's and they are making her very sick. My heart breaks over this entire situation, and the only thing I can do now is to offer my love and support and pray that this has been a very hard lesson learned and will seriously curb her future behavior. As for my daughter, I have not talked to her about sex. At 6, I feel she is far too young. But I am not shy about the conversation and intend to be the person she is most comfortable talking to about it! | |
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| Sex and other outrageous behaviour in teenagers???
Posted: 8/5/2009 3:04:50 PM | The 15 year old that I started this post about is ending her pregnancy as I write this post. I had no part in that decision, nor will I comment on my opinion on whether that was the right or wrong thing to do.
I'll comment...THANK GOD. I would never force a child to suffer through the sickness and emotioal pain of an unwanted pregnancy and the torture of labor and childbirth. Nor would I saddle a child with ANOTHER child.
She has been placed on very strong medication to try and address the STD's and they are making her very sick. My heart breaks over this entire situation, and the only thing I can do now is to offer my love and support and pray that this has been a very hard lesson learned and will seriously curb her future behavior. As for my daughter, I have not talked to her about sex. At 6, I feel she is far too young. But I am not shy about the conversation and intend to be the person she is most comfortable talking to about it!
My humble advice:
Make sure your daughter's father has as close a bond as possible with your child, and spends as much time with her as possible. | |
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| Sex and other outrageous behaviour in teenagers???
Posted: 8/5/2009 3:12:27 PM | FnF, she will be asking soon... Never kid yourself that 6 is to soon for kids to want to know things... School is a great breeding ground for false information, and or rumors of things that other kids seen...
Tv is another night mare that a parent has to be on CONSTANT guard, as well as movies, and books...
It is fine not to offer up information if at this stage they don't ask. Since she doesn't have older siblings, it makes it a little easier to control some of the flow of MISinformation.
As for your friends daughter, that too is a very tough and sad situation, kids are in such a hurry to grow up, and have a need to belong to some group or crowd if they have very low esteem.
If they have a healthy esteem, then they can be a part of a group, without doing what all their friends are doing...
Your friends daughters issues didn't happen over night, they were brewing when she was a sweet thing, however often it is hard to know what is going on when they seem so sweet and innocent...
Very good advice about not being your child's friend, many parents fall into that trap, and it is a disaster waiting to happen. You have to always be mom, and a woman, the friendship zone can be reached when your child is an adult, BUT you will still always be mom to your daughter...
Good luck | |
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| Sex and other outrageous behaviour in teenagers???
Posted: 8/5/2009 6:38:06 PM | FNF how sad for your friends daughter. So, incredibly sad for all who are connected to this situation.
There is such good advice on here, and Nexthyme made an awesome point, these things were brewing when she was a sweet thing. And yes it is hard to know what they are thinking. It is easier to assess though when you come at it from a parents point of view as opposed to being a friend.
I also wanted to bring up a good point. When your child stats asking questions, please make sure that your answers are age appropriate. It is hard as single parents, because we confuse our children's coping skills with actual maturity. This is huge! I have heard countless times, my son or daughter is mature beyond their years, since the divorce or their momma or dad did XYZ. This is such a terrible burden to put on children. Kids are smart and they learn to cope, exceptionally well, but it does not at all, improve their maturity level nor raise their emotional IQ in the least. As a matter of fact, it can have a direct opposite effect. And while a kid may be able to take care of incredible situations, far beyond their years, they may not be able to handle a common interactions with children their own age.
Age appropriate: it means a lot, and as a parent this is easily enforced by not giving in to kids friends peer pressures and what not, and adhereing to good solid age appropriate activities. And those activites do not include cell, texting, internet or staying out all night! lol Oh, your daughter will come home with stories that will make your hair burst into flames at a moment notice. Kids are kids and they always will be. It is up to the grownups to help show them the way, and watch over them. It does take a village sometimes.
Good thoughts your way.
T. | |
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| Sex and other outrageous behaviour in teenagers???
Posted: 8/5/2009 6:48:04 PM |
Make sure your daughter's father has as close a bond as possible with your child, and spends as much time with her as possible. I didn't check carefully about your daughter's father, so if he is a wonderful father, ok, great, let him spend time and have a great bond. Not all mothers or fathers are good to be in the child's life. A one parent household where the parent does a good job is more important than two parents that aren't their for the kids. Every situation is different.
I kind of like the colored hair. The facial piercings I don't care for. But self expression isn't a bad thing. I think it shows individuality too.
Good luck with your daughter. You posted here which shows you are concerned. I also think you will be good support for your friend and her daughter. | |
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| Sex and other outrageous behaviour in teenagers???
Posted: 8/5/2009 9:30:05 PM | LOL, yeah the piercing thing was something I put my foot down when my daughter at fifteen asked me if she could get a tongue piercing...
I told her I didn't care if she pierced her butt shut at 18, but prior to that there would be NO tongue piercing...
She protested, and said when she was 18 she'd have to be responsible and get a job, but as a teen she was supposed to "EXPRESS herself and have fun... Soooooo I told her I would pay for a belly button piercing for her 16th B day...
She was always good at bringing a LOGICAL battle back, so it was always interesting, because I had to stay on my toes to keep ahead of her... | |
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