| | The Love of My Life ......married with incurable cancerPage 1 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4) | I was in love with this guy 30 years ago, but he wasn't interested in a serious relationship at the time. I never forgot him. Through a death in the family, we met again 5 years ago. I knew he got married years before that; I remember the pain I felt when I read it in the paper. We started getting together for coffee and walks, that's all. He was very unhappily married, no sexual contact for years. It progressed to a love affair; I tried to get him to leave his wife, but I think he felt guilty because she took care of him for almost a year while he battled cancer. He never said that, but he is the sweetest guy I ever met, and I would expect no less from him. His cancer was in remission for the last 5 years, but has now returned. I feel him slipping away from me, and I am trying to understand what he's going through. He might not make it through this time according to his doctors. I love him with my heart and soul and would take care of him to the end and he knows that. But, he's still home and will definitely not leave now. By the way, she's a nurse. My question is, if you knew that you might only have a short time left to live, would you want to spend it with someone you love even though it required a big change in your life? Or, would you go to that safe place you now call home and spend the rest of your life with a miserable witch (who just happens to be a nurse)?
Please, no comments about leaving him. If I haven't left him by now, I certainly can't leave him when he's sick. Thanks for your responses...... | |
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| The Love of My Life ......married with incurable cancer
Posted: 8/5/2009 6:26:24 PM | Sometimes I envy men when reading these kinds of stories. I wonder how different my life would have been if I had been born a man, maybe I would have a loyal wife with a loyal sweetheart on the side too. Wow, they have it good.
Having said that, it must really be tough not to be able to be there for the one you love 100% when he needs you the most. Just do what you can, but also remember that at some point in your life you have to deal with some issues eg, why did he not marry you if he really loved you? I don't think you are in a place to be able to face that right now. Its probably in your best interests to be there for him so that you don't beat yourself down with regrets in future. I can tell you love this guy.
Good luck. | |
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| The Love of My Life ......married with incurable cancer
Posted: 8/5/2009 6:33:07 PM | Let me get this straight.
1) you tried, and failed, to break up his marriage
2) you think you are entitled to take away the last hours he has to spend with his family
This is really just all about you isn't it. | |
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| The Love of My Life ......married with incurable cancer
Posted: 8/5/2009 6:39:08 PM | I'm sorry but I'm unclear....we can't try and convince you to leave him...? How? It's my understanding you tried to convince him to leave his wife and he wouldn't.
Are you saying he has and is with you? I don't think so. What I read in your post is that he's still with his wife, that she is a nurse and caring for him in their home.
So? I'm not certain how the two of you have a relationship.
While I can certainly understand what it is like to have someone you love dying with Cancer, he IS married, and has had a lifetime with her as his partner and his wife.
He slipped away from you a long time ago, you just didn't let go.
Now is not the time for you to step into the picture at all.
Think about someone's pain other than your pleasure at this time. It would be self-indulgent and entirely inappropriate for you to do anything.
Stay quiet and stay out of their lives. | |
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| The Love of My Life ......married with incurable cancer
Posted: 8/5/2009 6:47:56 PM | Karen, maybe no one knows about you, his brothers, sisters, etc and he would not want his legacy with them to be that of an unfaithful spouse, no matter how much of a
"witch" she is.
I know that is painful to read, I don't mean it to be. | |
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| The Love of My Life ......married with incurable cancer
Posted: 8/5/2009 6:52:41 PM | I can tell you love this guy too.. but I can also tell that, regardless of what he's said to you, he loves his wife more. You had a lover 30 years ago when he wasn't interested in a committed relationship with YOU. Now, here you are 30 years later and you're his lover in a non-committed relationship again.
Through a death in the family, we met again 5 years ago. I knew he got married years before that; I remember the pain I felt when I read it in the paper. You never let yourself get over him.
We started getting together for coffee and walks, that's all. He was very unhappily married, no sexual contact for years. It progressed to a love affair; I tried to get him to leave his wife, but I think he felt guilty because she took care of him for almost a year while he battled cancer. He never said that, He never said that because he didn't want to leave her.. or, he would have.
His cancer was in remission for the last 5 years, but has now returned. I feel him slipping away from me, and I am trying to understand what he's going through. He might not make it through this time according to his doctors. I love him with my heart and soul and would take care of him to the end and he knows that. But, he's still home and will definitely not leave now. He definately wouldn't have left anyway, otherwise he would have by now.
My question is, if you knew that you might only have a short time left to live, would you want to spend it with someone you love even though it required a big change in your life? Or, would you go to that safe place you now call home and spend the rest of your life with a miserable witch (who just happens to be a nurse)? Well, she can't be that much of a witch if she stayed and nursed him back to health once.. she obviously loves him and, he her or he would have left her years ago when you "tried to get him to leave her but he wouldn't." He likes the arrangement the way it is/was.(?)
He's more comfortable with his wife. He obviously enjoyed his time with you, but he chose his wife over you to settle down with and make a life with. I sense your pain, but I don't understand why you haven't, after all these years, understood that you were someone he most likely loved in someway, but not enough to disrupt his real life for.. somehow I doubt his cancer had very little to do with his decision to stay with her.
... You're here and yet your another member of POF hoping to find someone when you're already in love with someone else and have been for 3 decades. I'm sad for you. | |
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| The Love of My Life ......married with incurable cancer
Posted: 8/5/2009 6:55:04 PM | I can take it. That's why I posted; maybe I'll read something that will help me understand how to help him. My heart is already broken. I want to help him live and die in peace. If that means that he needs to leave me, so be it. But the fact is, he is not leaving me. I know he feels better when he's with me. It seems like I'm the only one who loves him; not much of a family to speak of.
And, by the way, there is only a loving relationship now. We haven't been intimate in many months because of his illness. | |
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| The Love of My Life ......married with incurable cancer
Posted: 8/5/2009 6:55:50 PM | OP - I meant to state - I realize you do feel love for this man. And I can respect that, it's just not the time, or the place and sadly - because he chose to never leave his wife you will never have the right time or the right place.
You're going to have to cope with this pain, and grieve privately and somehow - move on with your own life without him.
I realize that probably is not what anyone would ever want to have happen - but this is what you risk when you love a man who is not available to be loved. | |
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| The Love of My Life ......married with incurable cancer
Posted: 8/5/2009 7:00:21 PM | | don't you think if his wife was such a witch why would he be with her. duh. he does not love you like he says otherwise he would not have married someone else! im sorry but sometimes the truth hurts. and he can tell you she is a witch and so forth, but he hasnt left so there must be more then him being sick with cancer! be his friend and be there for him as a friend! | |
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| The Love of My Life ......married with incurable cancer
Posted: 8/5/2009 7:22:29 PM | | This is my first forum post but I had to respond---I have been the wife here and you need to walk very far away and leave this man and his family (children are not what makes a family) alone. He never made a commitment to you, he has one he needs to complete. The "other woman" in my story caused so much destruction my in-laws will never recover. I will not share what happened to my children and I but the pain she caused his sisters and friends was incalculable. You have no right to be sanywhere near this man, his family or friends. | |
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| The Love of My Life ......married with incurable cancer
Posted: 8/5/2009 7:38:39 PM | I call bullshit on the man. He wanted his cake and to eat you too. He said what he needed to say to get you in bed. Oy. I cant' stand cheaters and I dispise the 'other man/woman' just as much when they KNOW the person is married.
His whole loveless marriage was probably a sham. I mean, there weren't any kids for him to say he had to stay for. | |
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| The Love of My Life ......married with incurable cancer
Posted: 8/5/2009 7:51:32 PM | You have no right to be anywhere near this man, his family or friends.
OP,I wish I was empathic enough to say that I feel sorry for you or even feel sad. I don't.
The above quote from another poster took the words right out of my mouth. You don't deserve to be there, you are not his friend, you are not his wife. And guess what , if Mister Cheater wanted you there, you would be there. He doesn't want you there.
You call it a love affair. It was just an affair. A man cheating on his wife with a woman selfish enough to let a man break his vows. Paint this any way that you want,imagine it as a great love affair , most other people will see him as a cheating **stard and you are a willing whore. | |
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| The Love of My Life ......married with incurable cancer
Posted: 8/5/2009 8:08:29 PM |
It seems like I'm the only one who loves him;
The man does have people in his life aside from you, I presume?!
maybe I'll read something that will help me understand how to help him.
Gratitude comes too mind!!
How about being grateful for the time you had with him, and let him alone to live with his choice (to be with his wife) instead of wanting to be the martyr?? | |
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| The Love of My Life ......married with incurable cancer
Posted: 8/5/2009 8:11:47 PM |
My question is, if you knew that you might only have a short time left to live, would you want to spend it with someone you love even though it required a big change in your life? Or, would you go to that safe place you now call home and spend the rest of your life with a miserable witch (who just happens to be a nurse)?
He could have spent it with you - had he wanted to, but he married someone else. He was off limits regardless what you felt/he said. Furthermore, if you state that he had NO CHILDREN and he is married to a "witch RN", he could have very well ended it then. Again, he did NOT want you.
I'm not going to judge your actions, as you know very well what you have done/doing. However, I don't understand how single folks get involved with married people expecting the "best" to come out of the situation. Typically, when something starts on a sour note, it will end on a sour note.
Not cool, OP.  | |
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| The Love of My Life ......married with incurable cancer
Posted: 8/5/2009 8:12:50 PM | I am sorry you made such bad decisions and they are coming back to haunt you. Honestly, how do you know everything he's said is true? Were you with him when the doctors talked with him? Do you know his wife, and have heard her say there has been no sex, and have you seen her behave in a way that was mean or ugly?
My question is, if you knew that you might only have a short time left to live, would you want to spend it with someone you love even though it required a big change in your life? Or, would you go to that safe place you now call home and spend the rest of your life with a miserable witch (who just happens to be a nurse)?
I think he answered the question better than we can. He went to the place he feels loved and returns that love...his wife. But, I would be surprised if he is spending his last days on earth, unless the wife decides to kill him for being a scumbag. | |
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| The Love of My Life ......married with incurable cancer
Posted: 8/5/2009 8:29:19 PM | My question is, if you knew that you might only have a short time left to live, would you want to spend it with someone you love even though it required a big change in your life?
I'd choose to spend it with someone *I* truly love, instead of someone who truly loves me. By the way, OP can you tell the difference?
I tried to get him to leave his wife, but I think he felt guilty because she took care of him for almost a year while he battled cancer.
I feel him slipping away from me, and I am trying to understand what he's going through.
Seems to me you are the only one who is in love in your OWN head from all along ... and he doesn't seem to let you in his life during the years you have an affair ... is it just a fling or FWB thing?
Or, would you go to that safe place you now call home and spend the rest of your life with a miserable witch (who just happens to be a nurse)?
Please, no comments about leaving him. If I haven't left him by now, I certainly can't leave him when he's sick.
Are you sure you are the one he wants to spend his last hours with? Does he call his wife a witch, or do you out of jealousy cuz she was the one whom he chose to marry and stay with, even in a sexless marriage? If you truly love him, be a real friend and be there for him *whenever* he needs you. Seriously give this sick man some peace already. | |
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| The Love of My Life ......married with incurable cancer
Posted: 8/5/2009 8:42:30 PM | Its possible He is not in love with you. Its possible he has used you to stroke his ego. Or he just needed some excitement. He did the right thing NOT leaving his wife for you. How do you know he has had a sexless marriage? Because he said so......... Well he is a cheater and doesnt cheating and a liar go hand in hand?
Leave the poor guy alone. He didn't choose you 30 years ago and he didn't choose you now. Yep.... Leave the poor guy alone. | |
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| The Love of My Life ......married with incurable cancer
Posted: 8/5/2009 8:45:50 PM | I'm not sure I think this was an "affair".
I think it was more unrequited love, with a man who couldn't get up the desire to leave his wife.
I think possibly he led this woman to believe he may not love his wife, and that perhaps he had feelings for the OP - but the fact is? He chose to stay with his wife.
I think this woman probably does feel love for this guy.
But I don't know that it's returned - how could WE judge that? We don't even know her or him.
But - I do agree - his death is none of your business.
You need to mind your own business and stay away from him and his family. | |
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| The Love of My Life ......married with incurable cancer
Posted: 8/5/2009 8:52:51 PM | KARENSMITH28-
I know he feels better when he's with me.
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And you know this how? I feel bad for the man's wife. She's losing a man she thought was loyal to her. This woman is probably clueless about you.
But then again, this post has been about you. You dated a married man. Don't you ask yourself why he never made a commitment to YOU? | |
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rune3
| | Joined: 7/13/2006
Msg: 23 | |
| The Love of My Life ......married with incurable cancer
Posted: 8/5/2009 9:06:31 PM | I'm not offering any solutions, but please be sure to get the facts of this story verified if you possibly can. It's not unknown for men to lie about:
1) their actual relationship with their wife
2) having cancer or another life-threatening illness
Get proof.
If all is true and I was in his situation I would definitely not seek to connect or to reconnect with anyone. Why would I offer them that? You can be with me for a short while, whilst I'm sick, then I'll die and leave you to grieve, having wasted time with me when you could have been finding someone who can actually offer you some kind of future. I wouldn't do that to anyone. The fact that he will, the fact that having one woman mourn him doesn't appear to be enough, tells me a lot about his values. It's a hard one to handle, given how you feel. Do what you believe you will regret the least. | |
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| The Love of My Life ......married with incurable cancer
Posted: 8/5/2009 9:09:22 PM |
He never said that, but he is the sweetest guy I ever met
Yeah, he sounds like a real treasure. If it was you whom he married, and was cheating on, you might have a different take on that.
My question is, if you knew that you might only have a short time left to live, would you want to spend it with someone you love even though it required a big change in your life? Or, would you go to that safe place you now call home and spend the rest of your life with a miserable witch (who just happens to be a nurse)?
Undoubtedly, I would want to be with someone I love. So, either he doesn't really love you, or he's consciously choosing to be with a "witch" over you. Either way, it sounds like you know how this ends. | |
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| The Love of My Life ......married with incurable cancer
Posted: 8/5/2009 11:48:05 PM | How do you know she's a miserable witch, other than that he told you so? Everyone who cheats on their spouse has terrible stories to tell about them, which are only occasionally true. The cheater demonizes their spouse to excuse their cheating.
You assume he was only happy with you because he told you so. You don't know if he told his wife the same thing when he was with her. You have turned this man into a Saint. But he was a Saint who cheated on his wife.
Nurses can come to homes. Does he have a decent health plan? If he wanted to he could live with you and rely on outside nursing help.
If he should leave his wife, why hasn't he? Is he a coward? Or does he simply not want to be with you? Okay, be his friend while he's sick. Apparently he needs your love. However, if he survives this bout with cancer, you should get away from him and stop trying to destroy his marriage.
The plain fact, is that you had an affair with a married man. That already reduces your rights on the morality scale in regards calling his wife a witch.
Your real question? Yes, I'd want to spend my final days where I felt the most love and comfort. For him, that's in his home. | |
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