| The Impossible Climb
Posted: 8/5/2009 11:08:22 PM | I have been with my gf for over a year now and we have been trying to move in together for over 4 months.
I am a homeowner and have been since my first experience with an unhandy, dishonest landlord. From my perspective: A home is (economic crisis aside) an investment. Since I enjoy fixing things, it is also a blank canvas for improvement projects.
She is a renter, and her place is far nicer than mine with sweeping views of city, sea, and mountains. It is close enough to her work that she can ride her bike, but it lacks hardwood floors or pet friendliness.
When we decided to move in together, her requirement was a view of the water. Then she decided she wanted to live in the most popular part of town. Next came the demands for hardwood floors, garden space, and side of town closest to her work. As purchases, these homes are very expensive. As rentals, they are in very high demand (thus competitive).
I just want to live together with her. IMO, being together takes precedence over material possessions or household. I feel like this cat-and-mouse game has escalated to the point where I am trying to procure something imaginary, and it is making me absolutely sick. I love this girl very much, and there are many wonderful things about her, but I don't want to experience the rest of my life only spending weekends together with her due to a shortage of available dream homes on the hill. I'm stuck in a situation that could last years. What should I do?
Please lend me your outside perspective and advice.
Thank-you. | |
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| The Impossible Climb
Posted: 8/5/2009 11:25:30 PM | Move in with her on a provisional basis in her trendy, upscale apartment. She's got everything she needs in that place except you. Don't add a thing, just move in.
Let a friend tend to your dog for the next 6 months. Rent out your home to your friend who watches your dog.
DO NOT SELL YOUR HOME. DO NOT BUY A NEW HOME -- unless you marry her and have the paperwork first.
In six months you will see if you are able to live together, or if she is going to ride your bank account like a Hawaiian surfer on a tsunami. | |
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| The Impossible Climb
Posted: 8/5/2009 11:32:26 PM | You need to have a serious talk with her. It sounds like your priorities in this search are in two completely different directions. A live-together relationship may not be in the cards yet.
F- | |
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SJS37
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Joined: 7/21/2009
Msg: 4 | |
| The Impossible Climb
Posted: 8/6/2009 12:07:27 AM | | Somebody is going to have to give something up. Sounds like she is being selfish, but then again, this is only YOUR side of the story. True or Untrue. Once you are in love you pretty much do anything she wants. You sound like you are more worried about your house than you are about her and her happiness. I would and have given up everything for the woman I loved and never thought twice. Do you want her or do you want your house? A house is no substitute for a woman you love. I know it's hard but if you are not looking for solutions and only seeing the problems, I don't think you should give up your house. You don't love her enough. It's not unconditional and you will end up resenting her. That's just my 2 cents. | |
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| The Impossible Climb
Posted: 8/6/2009 12:18:33 AM | Get married first.
If you're not ready to get married, you're not ready to move in and play house. | |
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| The Impossible Climb
Posted: 8/6/2009 12:24:23 AM | | I think SJS37's post is a little harsh. I hardly think that wanting to keep your house means you love your S.O less. This doesn't seem like it's unfixable to the point of resentment. You got some good advice about living together in a trial situation. As was said, we only have your side of the story - but it does sound like you have a good thing going. She needs to realize that there needs to be a compromise, she can't just be stubborn and get everything she wants. Personally, I think renting is a waste of money - especially an upscale overpriced joint you can never really call your own. Maybe you guys could keep your house and save up until you can buy a better house together that is more suiting for both of your needs? Do not sell your house. If you must, as was previously mentioned, rent it. While I understand that love should be unconditional, etc...a dog is a man's best friend and he should not be thrown out of the picture for a woman. Hopefully you can work something out so that you, her, and rover are all happy - and have eachother. Don't let her step on you to get everything she wants, leaving you unhappy. | |
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| The Impossible Climb
Posted: 8/6/2009 12:54:30 AM | WackMC: I don't own any pets. She wants to get a cat, so it's a precondition. Very solid advice. Thanks!
SJS37: I am not sure where I came across as loving my home, because I don't (It's strictly investment). Part of the conflict stems from the ownership vs. rental philosophies. She's European, and it is common in some parts of Europe to always rent (never own).
I am in love, but I don't do everything she wants. It's always compromise with us. IMO, love is pretty consistent while the snuggling and fighting act to preserve it. Thanks for the advice. I may be acting too selfishly.
MonkeyCheezPants: You could be right. We are both very independent people who have spent several years living alone. Hmmm. Thanks!
Landra: While not officially engaged, we've agreed to marry. She is okay with just going to the courthouse and getting it done (I would love to see the shock on the parents' faces, but I'm afraid we'd be disowned by both families). Thanks!
AprilRain: ROFL on the tender care my imaginary dog is getting! I am not attached to the home and can rent or sell, and I agree with you on the home ownership philosophy. I don't let her step on me, and there are indeed offenses on my end that couldn't be wedged into the background (lest super-long post). Thank-you. | |
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| The Impossible Climb
Posted: 8/6/2009 12:54:58 AM | | Y'all are both being selfish. Neither willing to make the move. | |
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| The Impossible Climb
Posted: 8/6/2009 4:23:29 AM | | I say keep the house - Let her pay for a different house if she hates the one you're in. If she's game - rent your current house out for income. She sounds a bit pushy from the way your worded your original post so make sure you get the things you want in it too. Also - I cannot stress this enough - PRE-NUP! If you don't, you will regret it. Good luck. | |
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| The Impossible Climb
Posted: 8/6/2009 4:27:57 AM | | Rent out your house, move into her apartment. Review the situation when you get married. Don't forget the pre-nup. | |
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| The Impossible Climb
Posted: 8/6/2009 4:32:29 AM | Seems to me that she likes her current situation (relative to the city) and doesn't want it to change and so is imposing these conditions on you.
That said, my advice would be to move in with her for the time being, put your name out there for pet-friendly apartments in the area, then rent one with her while keeping your house. You can rent out your house and use that income to pay for the bulk of the rent of your apartment, and you get to keep your house in case you ever need it - as long as it doesn't turn into a "Hey, why don't we move into my old house together" nagging situation.
Seems like the best of both worlds.
TDA | |
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| The Impossible Climb
Posted: 8/6/2009 6:02:10 AM | | I agree with msg 2. Rent out your place & use the rent to pay the mortgage. Move into her place and split the rent & bills 50:50. Or stay separate. You're not ready to buy a place with this woman (and possibly may never be). | |
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| The Impossible Climb
Posted: 8/6/2009 6:49:14 AM | MrPlatonic,
I'm going to give you some advice that I don't think I've given before: run, run as fast from this princess as you can. You stated:
When we decided to move in together, her requirement was a view of the water. Then she decided she wanted to live in the most popular part of town. Next came the demands for hardwood floors, garden space, and side of town closest to her work. As purchases, these homes are very expensive. As rentals, they are in very high demand (thus competitive).
When two people "love" each other, are ready to make that next big step to marriage (living togethr) requirements as to the abode location or abode amenities are not issues that rise to the level of must haves. You are attached to a princess who looks on you as not a man she loves but as a means to an end. She wants a "dream home on the hill," and unless she gets that you two are only a weekend couple. Come on dude, wake up!
I just want to live together with her. IMO, being together takes precedence over material possessions or household. I feel like this cat-and-mouse game has escalated to the point where I am trying to procure something imaginary, and it is making me absolutely sick. I love this girl very much, and there are many wonderful things about her, but I don't want to experience the rest of my life only spending weekends together with her due to a shortage of available dream homes on the hill. I'm stuck in a situation that could last years. What should I do?
I told you, run, run as fast and as far as you can. The person she IS has made you sick. You are already stressing over what kind of future you two will have. I said it recently to a friend that love is not enough - while love may make a great foundation for a marriage, there are other components that are required for a solid structure upon that foundation. You said it yourself, you are trying to purchase something imaginary: her love, which is attached to the dream home.
Personally, if I were you and you wanted to see where this is going, I would pull back and abandon this notion of "living together" or marriage until you've seen growth from your little princess.
As for your house, you need to stop thinking of your primary domicile as an investment. Yes, it may go up in value, but primarily it is a place that is shelter from weather and a rack for your back. If it goes down in value it is still all that and you've lost nothing; but, if looked at as an investment then in a down market you'll view your "investment" with jaundiced eyes and create stress where there should be no stress.
If you want investment property buy another piece of real estate. And the advice from DAve Ramsey is spot on: don't borrow to buy - that way if the market goes down, as it has, you won't give a flip.
TK
{wishin' I had know some of this stuff 25-30 years ago. Would very much like a time machine so I can go back and kick my twenty something butt. real hard} | |
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| The Impossible Climb
Posted: 8/6/2009 7:38:10 AM | ^^^^Ha!
I'm going to give you some advice that I don't think I've given before: run, run as fast from this princess as you can.
My thoughts too, when I read this. | |
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| The Impossible Climb
Posted: 8/6/2009 7:55:27 AM | The way I see it you have a few options.
1. Keep your house, rent it out, and move in w/ her. If things don't work out living together-you have an escape(not cynical-realistic)
2. Continue living seperately until you find the place that suits you both.
3. Have a long talk together about needs, wants, finances for a new place and work out a compromise before going further.
4. Decide if this is a minor snag in your relationship, or a sign of things to come. Will this be a one time thing w/ the demands for status living? Or will this be a springboard for constant keeping up w/ the Joneses? Then decide if this is what you want for your married life.
The sad fact is that you may love each other, but may have too much that is different in your wants and goals to be compatible long term. Moving in together should be a happy learning experience abut your partner, not a huge negotiation to see who gets their way. If it's this stressful for one major decision(living space), how difficult are other major decisions going to be?
Good luck w/ what ever you decide. | |
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| The Impossible Climb
Posted: 8/6/2009 8:11:56 AM | She sounds like a demanding princess OP. What's going to be next on her wish list after you find just the right place to live with her? Is she going to have to have the best furnishings, the best car etc etc.
We can't always get what we want when we want it. | |
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| The Impossible Climb
Posted: 8/6/2009 8:24:10 AM | I agree wholeheartedly with the points in post 15.
I feel that she is being a bit demanding, yet you state that you just want to be with her regardless of the living arrangements. Perhaps you can arrange to pay a massive pet deposit and everyone is happy.
The cap gains tax shifts from being tax free (up to the ceiling) on a homestead to an investment property, so, sell the house and capture the tax free gain--then reinvest the basis ( and the gain) in real estate (etc)- anything from raw land to another home that you lease out. Perhaps one that you find together and both agree on. Just a thought. | |
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| The Impossible Climb
Posted: 8/6/2009 8:33:48 AM | If this is what she wants, let her buy it for herself.
Too demanding. | |
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| The Impossible Climb
Posted: 8/6/2009 10:13:24 AM | Two schools of thought on this situation..both have pros and cons.
1. Its better to happy then it is to be right. Going this route feeds the princess's demands, and keeps the level of conflict to a mininum. The problem will come when you get to a point if you stumble in giving her her way all the time.
2. Avoid jumping through hoops now to break the cycle. This may have immediate consequenses, as it will be new for her. | |
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| The Impossible Climb
Posted: 8/6/2009 10:55:31 AM | If you are quite sure she is expecting these things and not just mentioning them as a preference, then perhaps she is the kind of person who will always seek material things rather than appreciating what you've got together. It's a difficult one, because there is a stage in life where people want to build their dream home with their dream partner. Most face some disillusionment but cope and go from strength to strength. Ideally, at this point, you'd both have the same dreams and be going in the same direction. If there are disagreements, you need to look at why. Personally, though, I think if someone is expecting more than you can both reasonably afford and is not considering your feelings too, that's not a good sign. I suppose you can either carry on doing your best to please her or draw a line over what is reasonable and what is not. Sometimes people just need to know the boundaries or they will carry on expecting miracles. There is a risk in that, of course, and I'm sure you are conscious of that.
I do know of a couple who were in similar circumstances. He carried on pleasing her, buying what she wanted, spending a fortune on the wedding she wanted, the house, the perfect and expensive furniture. After two years of marriage she suddenly decided she didn't love him and left. He was devastated. I'm not sure what the lesson is there, if any, but I do think that some people will always find something wrong and be looking for something else. They are easily bored. Unfortunately, on the surface, the same people look dynamic and exciting and they expect constant change. | |
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| The Impossible Climb
Posted: 8/6/2009 12:03:18 PM | Unless you want to only think of your house as rental property I think you should abandon the idea of living together. What happens if the two of you split up? Are you going to kick out renters and put on them the the hassel of looking for another place and coming up with deposit monies?
That you are the only one making concessions should worry you. | |
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