| | Kind of wondering about this friendPage 1 of 1 | Hi guys, I'm beginning to wonder about this male friend of mine and I'd appreciate it if you'd comment. I have this friend I see regularly at a social event. He's much younger than me, by 13 years, so I have always assumed he's just a friend. He's not in a relationship and I know he'd like to meet someone. I also know he'd like children so he needs someone around his own age. I've always treated him just as a friend and he's never given me any indication that we were otherwise. Unlike other men, he never comments on my looks (or lack of them!). But ... I dunno ... something is making me wonder. He is really sweet, always gets me a chair, if there isn't one, offers me a drink, sits with me (though he does wander off to chat to other people then comes back), buys little snacks and treats. If I mention something, like a recipe I'm interested in, the following week he'll turn up with a copy. He lends me things (I never ask) and a few times has volunteered to accompany me to events (I've never taken him up on this as I didn't want him to get the wrong idea and, besides, I assumed he was offering to be kind.). All in all, he's a total gentleman and such a sweet guy. I gave him a lift to something the other day as he had car trouble. When I collected him, he wanted to show me a collection that he has, so I went and looked then we set off. We got on really well on the journey, no conflict, just relaxed. We both seemed happy in each other's company. If he was older and maybe more my type, then I'd be seriously considering him as he's got such a pleasant nature. He seems to have good values too.
What has made me wonder about him was that I was talking to him and another friend recently about trials with teenage kids, how mine couldn't agree on anything and so on. I was having difficulty working out a holiday I could go on with the kids but they wouldn't agree. I mentioned, jokingly, that I'd like to go to x if I could get anybody to go with me. They all knew that I meant my kids. He asked me when I was thinking of going, so I told him, and then he said, 'yes, I could do that'. He looked quite pleased at the prospect. He wasn't joking, I know. This last thing surprised me. To me, going on holiday with someone is a big commitment, not something I'd take lightly that's for sure. So now I'm wondering.
This guy is just being a friend, isn't he? Am I reading too much into this? I'm not sure how to handle things. What if I take him up on some of his offers to accompany me to places? Is he just being kind? I do think he needs to meet someone his own age and settle down. It stands to reason that it would not be a good thing to allow anything other than a friendship here, for his own good. I'm just feeling odd about all this somehow.
Edited for subsequent poster: Tempting though it is to say that he had some bizarre and kinky collection, it was actually exotic plants. | |
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| Kind of wondering about this friend
Posted: 8/6/2009 9:25:02 PM |
...When I collected him, he wanted to show me a collection that he has, so I went and looked then we set off. ..
Though I excel at reading comprehension, and though you pretty much wrote a wall-of-words, I feel compelled to ask: What kind of collection did he show you?
Was it a collection of Star Wars action figures?
Pre-World War I paper money?
Blow-up dolls?
The anticipation is killing me. | |
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| Kind of wondering about this friend
Posted: 8/6/2009 9:26:49 PM | | If you only want him to be a friend you don't go on a vacation with him. You're probably feeling odd about the situation because somewhere in your mind there's a temptation to have a relationship with him. Either sleep with him or don't. If you both desire/care for each other, then go for it. But male and female friends don't sleep in cabins next to each other unless they've been friends a hell of a long time. | |
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| Kind of wondering about this friend
Posted: 8/6/2009 9:27:14 PM | Another excellent example of why most single men and women can't be just friends.
He is probably as confused as you are. Don't take him on the trip and offer to help him find a girlfriend his age when you get back. This should clear his head although men can be pretty thick when it comes to getting the message | |
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| Kind of wondering about this friend
Posted: 8/6/2009 10:01:44 PM | I just thought it was funny how nobody asked him to go on vacation and he invited himself.
You don't need to see him as anything but a friend and you are second guessing everything that is going on between the both of you when you haven't discussed anything like this with him or even shared a kiss? Sounds like he is trying very hard to get your attention or mistook your friendship as something else and now he is getting that comfortable that he is willing to go on vacation with you without you asking him to go. Also sounds like you put him in the friend zone.
If you don't have any feelings for this person, try to put some distance between you and him. Not saying to stop being his friend or stop hanging out with him. Just don't spend too much time with him. Eventually, it will get to be too much for you and you will end up hurting his feelings and losing his friendship. Don't make yourself so available if he is not your boyfriend. | |
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| Kind of wondering about this friend
Posted: 8/6/2009 10:10:47 PM | | Ok dear, here's what you do....go to him and ask him! Nice guys like him do not come right out and ask. He actually sounds like while he would love to go out with you, that he is a little cautious as to not lose your friendship! He like's you, that is without doubt. And i don't know if you realize it or not....but you like him to! And him wanting kids, or not wanting kids...has nothing at all to do with if you two would work out or not. It's his choice as to be with you or with someone else for the sake of having kids. You cant make that decision for him. You need to ask yourself this...could you be happy with him? Then if yes, sit down with him and ask him what he thinks, that you are wondering where he see's the friendship going? Tell him the way you feel! Then see what he has to say. If he feels the same way you do, then great! But let him know, that either way, you want the friendship to continue! Not knowing like this will only lead to more confusion. And believe me on this...any time a woman says in front of a guy, I have no one to go with....it's always an invite to him in his mind. More or less a hint if you will....So you are leading him on if you didn't realize it... So take a minute, decide what you want out of the relationship, and then have a chat with him! Do this and all your problems will be gone! Good luck and hope it works out the way you want! | |
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SJS37
| | Joined: 7/21/2009
Msg: 10 | |
| Kind of wondering about this friend
Posted: 8/6/2009 10:30:45 PM | I agree 100% with ISTANDOUT!
You are leading him on in every possible way and I think you know it.
I think you came here hoping that every guy would tell you to pursue him.
Believe me. If you say I have noone to go with. That is an invitation and anyone who says it isn't is Playing stupid just as you are asking us to believe you are right now. I like older women. 13 years is not that big of deal. You could have given us your ages. We don't have much to go on here. Now I am guessing you are 40 or more so that makes him 27. I think he is old enough to make up his own mind, so lay it on the table with him so you both can live your lives. 27 is not craddle robbing if that is what you are thinking. I don't know too many 27 year olds in craddles. | |
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| Kind of wondering about this friend
Posted: 8/6/2009 10:39:05 PM | | Thanks for replies, they have given me food for thought. I need to say though that I have not deliberately led this guy on. I honestly treated him as a friend and thought that's what he wanted. I'd assumed that at his age, 38, he'd want a young woman and children and that he'd see me as an older woman. I feel that we are world's apart, in terms of life experience - I've had kids, divorce, etc. 13 years seems a big deal to me and surely would be for a guy of his age? I even thought he'd see me as a maternal-type figure, you know, someone he could talk to about girlfriend trouble and stuff. It's been a constant surprise to me that he seems to want to spend time with me. I've been wondering if he hasn't anything better to do. I don't make a point of saying I have no-one to go out with. In the holiday instance it was a wry joke said with rolling eyes and to the small group I was sitting with. I'm so fed up of not being able to get my kids to work together and they knew how I meant it. I certainly don't want to sound pathetic: the last thing I'd want is for a guy to offer take me somewhere out of pity. I do have some pride! | |
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| Wondering
Posted: 8/6/2009 11:05:30 PM |
What if I take him up on some of his offers to accompany me to places? According to you, you'd probably have the relaxing and enjoyable company of a total gentleman with a pleasant nature...and a sweet guy with good values...and a kind, thoughtful and generous man...all wrapped up in one appealing package.
Life is short OP, give yourself permission to get out there and live it. | |
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| Kind of wondering about this friend
Posted: 8/6/2009 11:52:11 PM | Judas Priest!
I know this is Ask A Guy, but how much more does this guy have to do to show that he's interested in you as more than a friend? For Heaven's sake, ask him out for a date, tell him that you really enjoy his company but that you are a little unsure how it will work due to the age difference, and how he feels about it. See what he thinks about dating an older woman and if he wants to give it a shot.
Quit beating around the bush, and get on with it. If he is not interested in you in that way, cool, at least you know you have a good friend. If he is interested, then you have a potential boyfriend here. But quit the guessing game.
Beth | |
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WackMC
| | Joined: 4/23/2008
Msg: 14 | |
| Kind of wondering about this friend
Posted: 8/7/2009 12:30:48 AM | I was having difficulty working out a holiday I could go on with the kids but they wouldn't agree.
Okay, I see nothing but trouble. Why? Because you are not in charge of your own household. You have abdicated the position of leadership in your clan. You let the kids decide your fate. Whatever you play at 'deciding' is irrelevant -- the kids will dictate your vacation, who comes along, how long you stay, and who you talk to. Stop the silly fantasies and just do what they say, because this is where you're going to end up anyway.
With regard to your attentive "friend", he is looking for a relationship with SOMEONE. You give him lip service, so he keeps up the antics. I doubt he knows what he is doing -- he just likes the attention, as do you. If you take this guy on a trip with your kids, they will make you suffer mightily for it, during the trip and after.
If you want to play cougar with this guy, go on a real date, a real night out, dressed up and all. Get the heck out of the reach of your kids for several hours and give yourself a chance. A "family" trip is a bad idea as long as your relationship with this man and his relationship to your kids is a big (?).
Exotic plants = bizarre. I hope you examined Dr. Caligari's cabinet to be on the safe side. A renegade sonambulist is not to be trifled with. | |
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| Kind of wondering about this friend
Posted: 8/7/2009 1:15:50 AM | I think you have to bring this flirtatious behavior to its natural outcome....Invite him over for an evening at 'the opera' or a DVD, whatever is easiest and make sure you aren't dressed when he arrives...be shocked..so shocked that when you answer the door and see him your semi-transparent black negligee drops to the floor revealing the whole suspenders/stockings gear(make sure lip gloss is on heavy!)...go OOoh...Oh! I didn't realize....the time, then turn your back to him and bend over to pick up your fallen garment.
Oh, wait, is this being seen by everyone?...How do I delete...!!!! :-0 | |
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| Kind of wondering about this friend
Posted: 8/7/2009 1:42:33 AM | So he is 38 and you are 13 years older than him. Well they say age is just a number but if you can imagine yourself on a relationship with him – then can you really take it.
How would you feel when there are younger women around him? Would you be Ok with it or you’d be insecure 24/7 and you’d start trying all cosmetic possibilities to make yourself look younger.
Plus a good friend doesn’t necessarily make a good partner and a good lover.
Just have casual fun – don’t go to the sweet family thing , leave your kids out of this | |
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| Kind of wondering about this friend
Posted: 8/7/2009 2:28:19 AM | Well grandma its probabaly time for you to consider the home. Here you have a young man with about everything a woman might want and no mention of bad habits. He seems genuine and likes you. He is not pushy, arrogant or the like and treats you with nothing but kindness and respect. He has made himself available without pretense to your invitation.
So far you have given no reason other than age as to why this guy is not a great catch even if the ride is short. In this area despite his kindness you have chosen to ask 10,000 strangers rather than sit down with this guy and just talk with him. And you call that being a friend? It would appear that he is the older of the two of you. | |
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| Kind of wondering about this friend
Posted: 8/7/2009 2:53:58 AM | That odd feeling? You ever have a dream where your teeth fall out? That's an off beat question sure, but everyone I've ever talked to has told me a dream like that usually means there is something you want to say to someone!!! Especially when you have that person in the dream... Anyway...
I know I'm the millionth guy to say it... but ask! There's tons of this type of guy, where the only thing he has that makes him a "man" is the plumbing! He'll take you out, walk you home, clean your house, pump your gas, call you when he gets home... He's called a human being. A friend... Remember when friends back in the day would not call you, they'd just stop in and see if you were there because they wanted to hang out with you and see you??? Friendship is a hell of a thing... Even I remember all of my friends finishing homework and chores early just to come see me... Times have changed, responsibilities have certainly changed... Ways and means are different...
But humanity is there somewhere... Ask him! It might be really awkward but in a few minutes after that you two can laugh and smile and look forward to whatever it is ahead of you :)
Also, who ever keeps saying straight men and straight women who are both attracted to each other cannot be friends or good friends or just platonic friends...Please shut up
Best of luck
Branden
~decent human being~ | |
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| Kind of wondering about this friend
Posted: 8/7/2009 6:30:27 AM | If you are not interested in him as anything but being a friend, no reason for you to ask him out on a date since he is already "hanging out" with you. Your reasons for not wanting anything with him are valid especially seeing him as a person as "world's apart" from you.
You could however ask him or lead him into conversation that would eventually lay to rest any questions in your mind. It could be that he sees you as just as close a friend that is like a family member and your idea that he wants something romantic with you could offend him. Just talk to him. | |
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| Kind of wondering about this friend
Posted: 8/7/2009 7:49:17 AM | Ok, you are making the common female assumption that men are complex, highly emotional, and understand women. NEWSFALSH: we are none of those! Men are simple, don't have a clue about the way women think, and communicate differently than you do.
Instead of thinking this thing to death and spending sleepless nights comtemplating your future with this younger man, do this: discuss the matter with him. Instead of informing the entire population of POF about your feelings, why don't you let him read your post? At least give this poor guy the courtesy of letting him know how you feel. Better still, confront him -throw the subject out there -take a risk! Then, and only then, take him up on one of his offers to escort you to one of your functions.
Sorry if I'm blunt here, but it sounds like he is not hung -up on the age difference, you are.
I would bet the cost of my POF membership that he has absolutely no idea how you feel. | |
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| Kind of wondering about this friend
Posted: 8/7/2009 11:55:45 AM | I would bet the cost of my POF membership that he has absolutely no idea how you feel.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
You paid to be a member? | |
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