| Understanding how a guy thinks -- questions
Posted: 8/7/2009 12:35:39 AM | So I have a question for whomever willing to answer it. A guy and girl are together for 5 years, end it a year ago but still remain friends. Actually not they communite far better than before. The girl still has feelings, the guy does too, yet he doesn't know what he wants. He's never been not in a relationship.
He started dating again after they broke up. He currently hangs out with the girl and says he struggles daily with his feelings for her. He wants to keep that friendship, he said, at the very least and would give everything up for it.
The girl understands him and supports him, and they both are want the other to be happy. He currently lives with a roomate and she likes her. He likes her too but does not know if it's because of conveinence.
He has about 2-3 other girls he's met and has feelings for but still is comparing them to his ex and says he can't see anything more with them. Yet even though the ex wants him back, she's holding her feelings so he can found out who he is and what he wants. Yet he keeps surrounding himself in other relationship possibilites that make it alk more confusing.
So obviously this is about me and my ex, but I decided to put it in third person.
My questions are, why does a guy do that? Go from relationship, to relationship, to relationship after a long one ended. And why would he keep comaring these girls to the ex? Why would a guy say, he doesn't care if girls he hangs with doesn't like him hanging with his ex, they can deal with it?
I'm just confused and want a guys perspective.
(Sorry this is long, I'm a writer, I write lots.) | |
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| Understanding how a guy thinks -- questions
Posted: 8/7/2009 1:12:33 AM | and i thought i was confused...lol....id run from that guy like a jet plane.
amandaleigh84 said:
So obviously this is about me and my ex, but I decided to put it in third person.
My questions are, why does a guy do that? Go from relationship, to relationship, to relationship after a long one ended. And why would he keep comaring these girls to the ex? Why would a guy say, he doesn't care if girls he hangs with doesn't like him hanging with his ex, they can deal with it.
I think its the same reason for both sexes.......some poeple seem to need someone in their lives they can call a girl or boyfriend every minute...........maybe its insecurity or he doesnt feel like a man if he cannot say or tell his buds he has a woman. Or maybe he just fears being alone.......I am not an expert on this but you asked.
the second question doesnt seem fair to either of you.........sounds like a lack of respect for the girl he is with and he just doesnt care if it hurts or bothers her that he still hangs with you..............as for you in this, sounds like to me he is doing a pretty good job of keeping your feelings engaged in this and you are allowing so why shouldent he if he can get away with it, even thought he sounds unwilling to make a step to be with you again.
Just to say and i am not criticizing you at all.............but you are the one that is allowing him to get away with this........you arent a couple but in some ways still sound mated.
If it is not allowing you to move and and find someone else to be happy with but he isnt willing to try with you again.......then you have to make some decision for your own betterment.
dont know if any of that helps and i could be wrong ill admit about what i read. | |
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| Understanding how a guy thinks -- questions
Posted: 8/7/2009 1:20:30 AM | | No I appreciate your thoughts. I agree with a lot you say. But being best friends with someone first, and having feelings for 9 years...yeah not easy. LoL I know crazy but again thanks. I know it's something I have to decide, just wanted thoughts. | |
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| Understanding how a guy thinks -- questions
Posted: 8/7/2009 2:17:28 AM | I'm sorry you're going through this, Amanda ~ I know how hard it is to let go
35 is still young and for whatever reason he doesn't want to make a commitment. Try to distance yourself or you may regret looking back instead of forward | |
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| Understanding how a guy thinks -- questions
Posted: 8/7/2009 8:23:55 AM | Amanda, great question.
I used to be one to jump into relationships, and be unhappy and end it within 3 months to a year at the very most.
I may be speaking for my past self, but I think most men are like this. I used to think the grass would always be greener on the other side, and usually it isn't. I think we find a fault in our mind and think the next woman won't have that fault. So once we are with that new woman, she may not have that fault but probably has one that is twice as bad as the last relationship we were in. I hope that makes sense.
At this current time I am not interested in a relationship, nor am I looking for one night stands either. They just cause even mores stress and eventually heartache.
So if I am interested in even going out for a drink or dinner, I let her know before we even go out that I am not interested in a relationship, but I also wouldn't want to exclude the possibilities if we happen to click. So with that I think if people were more up front with what they really want, situations like yours would be a lot easier to deal with.
I have definitely learned that I will take my time to get to know a woman before I get too serious with her. I have been out with a few lately through meetup groups and have learned that there is no interest just because there was that initial physical attractions.
I hope this help Amanda. | |
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| Understanding how a guy thinks -- questions
Posted: 8/7/2009 8:39:55 AM | well good luck Amanda ......
you know amanda.......you have to follow your heart......that might not always be the right way to go.........but good sense doesnt usually come into play when its love we are speaking about.......i seem to listen to my heart first, that can lead to alot of pain. but it does in the end eliminate the lifelong thought of........what if. | |
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| Understanding how a guy thinks -- questions
Posted: 8/8/2009 10:39:56 PM | | My thoughts are simply that this guy is afraid of commitment. Don't let yourself get sucked into this. Tell him to *&%$ or get off the pot! As far as remaining friends after a long relationship. It can be done provided both people are capable and a good friendship was established in the beginning. Just my 2 cents! Been there and done that. | |
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| Understanding how a guy thinks -- questions
Posted: 8/9/2009 1:17:44 AM | ^^^^^^^^ I'm with lostinwa77. This guy has a problem with commitment and/or doesn't know where he wants to land. I say that's ok because life doesn't get any easier as we get older but rather harder when faced with numerous life impacting decisions. Still as long as you are around, IMO, he is comforted and can lean on you... but clearly his actions indicate he is not set to change his ways.
I think you should get out now rather than hovering around for him to figure it out. You'd be doing both of you a favor if you left completely... at least for an extended period. It may just force himself to look in the mirror and become enlightened. Often times, we don't really know or appreciate what we had until it is gone. However leaving doesn't mean it will necessarily happen either. It may be that one day he may come to regret losing you... after he's gone through a series of women (look out gals!)... but by then it will be too late for him.
The point is if your friendship or whatever is as strong as you seem to indicate, then you two will be able to figure it out at the appropriate time. If not, count your lucky stars you got out now. | |
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| Understanding how a guy thinks -- questions
Posted: 8/9/2009 4:44:48 PM | | Sounds like he doesn't think its going to end where he wants it. So despite feelings, he needs to look elsewhere. It sucks, but for me, if I was with a girl, and say I wanted marraige and she didn't and we'd been together for years, I'd end it, and start looking for a girl who did. Its unfortunate but you can't change your own wants and needs just like you can't change his. Your best bet, since even if you get back together it is doomed to fail, as long as you don't have children together, I'd just split and stop talking to each other period. Make it easier to move on. | |
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| Understanding how a guy thinks -- questions
Posted: 8/10/2009 1:04:18 AM | I agree with you all are saying. The hard part is we have never had a normal relationship and have helped each other through extremely difficult times. We've been close friends for 9 years and were a couple for 5. Cutting him completely from my life feels impossible to me.
I'm not so wrapped up in us getting back together. But I do have hopes. I am also keeping myself open for opportunities.
But the hard part is the mixed signals he gives. We have been apart for a little over a year now and the first part we didn't talk or see each other much. And now we are communicating more with each other than we ever have and its refreshing in an odd way. But again I feel like I'm hanging.
He's never not dated, he doesn't know what he wants, he's unhappy and I keep trying to tell him he needs to take time, be selfish and focus just on him. Stop adding up more confusing things, like more love triangles. But he keeps wanting to turn to that.
We understand each other so well and would sacrifice our own feelings for the other to be happy. But I'm just ugh right now.
How can you turn your back on someone you care that much for when they need your friendship? | |
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| Understanding how a guy thinks -- questions
Posted: 8/10/2009 3:43:18 AM | "How can you turn your back on someone you care that much for when they need your friendship?"
Because life is short and you have your own life to think about and your own future. You have already given 10 years of your life to this........if you think reincarnation happens then i guess you might get another life, but i'd not hold my breath on that issue.
You sound like a nice, decent young woman, someone would appreciate the things you have to offer Amanda. Your loyalty is admirable, but wouldent you like to be in a relationship where it was 100% all the time going both ways.
I did a very similar thing from 17-25......she was a big rock singer, we met as teens at the beachin Florida playing paddle ball, as our folks lived close to eachother....she was off most of the time playing rock star and i was at college but every chance we could get we spent time together, every holiday i couldent wait to go home and see her or i would go to where her band was playing concerts....When she got a Chrysalis record contract and went to L.A. , we started to drift apart as being in Los Angeles just wasnt my thing..........yeah we dated others but clearly we were a pair.....I dont regret keeping others from grabbing my heart during those years, but in the end we went our separate ways and both never looked back.....she called me after a trip she took to Hawaii and said she had met a guy she really liked and if i had any intentions id better act on them right now, I didnt believe her since we always kept emotional stuff well hidden and that discussion had only come up once when we took a holiday in Aspen together........a few weeks later she called me in Boulder and said she was engaged.......she is still married to that guy...........sometimes as the song goes........" sometimes love just aint enough" | |
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| Understanding how a guy thinks -- questions
Posted: 8/10/2009 8:02:23 AM | OP, that is a tough situation for you to be in and what to exactly do is also a tough decision.
You mentioned that he's unhappy and doen't know what he wants to do. HMMMMMM, that sounds really familiar.
I had just gotten laid off the day after Thanksgiving and on December 3rd my ex MIL had an Anurizm(sp) and she passed suddenly on December 9th. So not only was I just laid off, I had to get moved down to the south sound some how, which didn't happen until late February.
Right before my MIL passed I put an out out on CL that I was looking for friends only in both the men and women's section, as I don't know a lot of people up here outside my bowling circle. A lady answered that she was game, and we met. After a few dates and that big snow passed we started getting kind of attached to each other, though we agreed that it would be just friends. We both put a hault to that as she was just separated and I am by far nowhere in the frame of mind to deal with a relationship with all that has happened recently. But we liked each others company. She is great to hang around, and yes there are benefits from time to time, but not everytime we're together. We are truly "friends" with benefits, and that will still remain, but I will see her even less now that she had to move to Marysville.
My point to all of this is when you told him to be selfish and take the time to get to know himself. This may not work for everyone, but tell him to go outside his box to get more confident and to find out what he really wants. I am doing that now by joining meetup groups of all varieties, and it is helping me to be able to go communicate with strangers like I've never been able to do sinc I was a youngster. Now I make myself goals that each time I go out, I will sit and have a conversation with at least one person and get their contact information, no matter the gender. It is all the process of getting to know myself and feel better about myself. I even went dancing both nights this past weeeken, and I don't do the dancing thing normally, but it felt great.
So keep preaching that being selfish and taking the time to get to know himself, and have him not worry if he's with a woman or not, because getting to know himself is the important thing right now.
When I go out now I don't worry if I meet a future partner or not, I worry about being happy and having a good time, and as I always say I would rather be unhappy single, than miserable in a bad relationship, when I know I didn't know if I wanted to be there in the first place.
Sorry to ramble, but I just like to see people happy in their lives and both the OP and the guy deserve it. | |
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| Understanding how a guy thinks -- questions
Posted: 8/12/2009 2:09:05 PM | | Amanda, snap out of it! If it's meant to be, it will happen later down the road. But as long as you hover nothing is going to change. It's easy for us to say because we are not emotionally involved but in this small sample, there seems to be a consensus among both men and women who are objectively seeing what you are failing to embrace. It's your life and you will do what you will, but the writing is on the wall... and you see it. | |
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mkc40
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Joined: 8/3/2009
Msg: 19 | |
| Understanding how a guy thinks -- questions
Posted: 8/12/2009 2:15:16 PM | Hello OP,
I know you want a guy's opinion, but take it from a woman who knows. If he can't figure it out, you should back away so he can see more clearly. He will either miss you and come back, or realize he doesn't and stay out of your life.
Either way, you'll know by his ACTIONS, not his WORDS what he wants.
Good luck sweetie - you are a beautiful girl.
M | |
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| Understanding how a guy thinks -- questions
Posted: 8/16/2009 12:27:05 AM | OP, Ok don't want to be harsh but you need a swift kick to the butt!
How can you turn your back on the friendship? Is that what you call it or hope he wants it to be?
It's simple, if he doesn't think you are the best then let him go and move on. It's almost that simple! You hang around waiting for the positive words or good feelings from him like a dog waiting for a scrap of food to fall to the floor. It seems he knows it too. If he is that great and wonderful for you and you want him in your life, tell him. If he can't return how you feel then turn you back and walk away. Move on with your life and stop the madness. If he wanted you then he would stick with you. Because he didn't, that means he doesn't. Get over it and move on.
Normally I try to be subtle with something like this. This guys is just using your kindness and your feelings for him against you. | |
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| Understanding how a guy thinks -- questions
Posted: 8/17/2009 2:13:58 AM | From my perspective he has committment issues along with the whole the grass is greener on the other side. The reason he is comparing his current flings to you is that he wants a girl pretty much like you but with like a few more positives / other attributes to push him off the edge / convince him. While you stay in his life currently you give him just enough line to know that he can probably come back to you while he plays the field to figure out if you are the best he can get / find.
If anything you are sticking away too long and are hoping beyond hope that he comes running back to you for whatever reason instead of moving on like most people do. This prevents you really from learning and finding new people who might otherwise be a better match to you.
This is at least my opinion and perspective anyways. If someone wants to play the field and keep you on the back burner they don't deserve anything from you. In the end you are just hurting yourself and setting yourself up for more hurt when / if the guy ends up with another girl and it's solid. I mean you have actually pretty much put off breaking up with him till either of you actually find another person and even then you are trying to keep on to the small sliver of hope he'll break up with them to come back to you.
If you can't move through the natural process of things you are just getting stuck I think in a very bad position. I'm sorry to say but you two are basically still dating with out the romantic actions you used to have since you are still there for emotional support, friendship, and so forth.
I would honestly say you figure out exactly what you want and if you are willing to play second fiddle to other girls till he breaks up with them and the small hope that he'll come back to you. If you arent willing to wait you should move on and stop talking so much with him and let you both move along. | |
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| Understanding how a guy thinks -- questions
Posted: 8/17/2009 5:22:36 PM | Boys and girls both have this kind of behavior. Fear of committment, imatureity, unsure of what he/she wants or whatever. Yes it can be screwy actions but the fact is it is his choice. You may never know the why but you do seem to know the what he is doing. Do you enjoy being in the position you are in? If not then you need to cut your losses and heal over this one so you can get ready fo rthe next one. And learn what you can.
A number of my ex-signifiant loves jump from one new lover to another ASAP. I used to wonder why, and what I had done. ANd then the common thing is to get calls to hook up and try again. I seemed to pick women who do that. So if I wanted all that stuff to change, I had to change what I was doing. I may never know why the gals acted the way they did, but I have a little clue of myself and that will be of value for a life time.
Good luck with you stuff. | |
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| Understanding how a guy thinks -- questions
Posted: 8/17/2009 5:55:33 PM |
Very impressive, Mike
I wish I had your smarts!!!
Thanks for the compliment Fleur but I don't think I'm all that smart. If anything you should be wishing / strive to be smarter than me! | |
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| Understanding how a guy thinks -- questions
Posted: 8/17/2009 6:01:41 PM | I would love to, Mike, but I don't think it's in the cards
Like I keep telling one of my managers, "a woman loses brain cells when going through the change"
Don't throw rotten eggs at me ladies!!!  | |
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