| trust issues
Posted: 8/7/2009 6:36:05 AM | I have been in only a handful of relationships in my life but EVERY one of them ended with cheating or being left for another woman! Well now I have met a guy who seems amazing and has serious potential but I find myself constantly thinking that its "too good to be true" and overthink silly little things in my head! Its like Im constantly trying to catch him in the act when in fact hes given me no reason distrust him!
Is there anyway to get over my trust issues? | |
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| trust issues
Posted: 8/7/2009 7:03:52 AM | This is kind of cheating, but it comes up so often (must be a sign of the times we are living in) that I've saved a post I wrote about trust. Hope it helps.
What makes it hard for you to trust the other sex? Are you jaded or bitter?
Why do we inherit the punishments for the wrongs of those before us? I trust. I’m in the camp that believes trust is given, not earned. I think believing it must be earned is flawed logic. How much evidence do you collect, and what types of evidence before it somehow, magically, hits a “bingo button” that you decide “ok, now I can give this person my trust”. It is always a gift. I have yet to meet someone who can quantify exactly what it would take for someone to earn trust… I believe this is because trust is actually our relationship with ourselves. People who have difficulty trusting are trying to find a way to control their lives – or have a sense of control in the risky business of life and love. Most of us can see that the only person you can ever possibly control is yourself. Likewise, trust starts from within – it really is about learning to accept and trust yourself. Learning to trust that whatever happens you will be able to handle it; that you are good enough. Even if someone lets you down, that you will be able to rise to the challenge and you will be ok. Saying you can’t or won’t trust someone – or trying to keep them at a safe enough distance so they can’t effect you – is the same thing as saying you believe they have more power than you do, and more power over yourself than you do. There is no way to prevent bad things or disappointing things from happening in life – but we CAN develop the internal strength to face them. There will always be risks in life… none of us are getting out alive. So it seems to be to be a choice in how we want to spend this time. Life is not about reducing Risk; it is about who we are in the face of the Risk that Life is. My favourite Hellen Keller quote: “Security is an illusion, it does not exist in nature. Life is either a daring adventure or it is nothing at all.” | |
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| trust issues
Posted: 8/7/2009 7:17:25 AM | | OP, I have been in relationships that I have ended due to a cheating boyfriend so I can relate to how you feel and my father cheated on my mother . Just remember he's not your exes and put faith in him. If he gives you reasons not to trust then there is an issue. Personally if a guy gives me reasons not to trust I walk for I can't trust someone who doesn't earn it. | |
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| trust issues
Posted: 8/7/2009 7:27:54 AM | yes, release him so he can find a mate who wont freak when he goes to the grocery store.
or...be patient...be kind...love him...treat him well...don't look for him to dissapoint you. Believe in him.
I pretty much wipe the slate clean when I am with someone different. I wouldn't allow myself to get that far into a relationship if I didn't think he was worthy of my trust.
Each person on this earth is different.
Keep your relationship exciting. Cook, clean, play, dote and ask him to do the same with you.....you should be fine.
But the biggest thing you need is communication. Tell him you know he will find other women attractive....he is alive and not blind so you understand, but if he ever feels like he wants to be with someone else to let you know, out of respect so that you can part amicably.
If he does talk to you and tells you this at any point in your life OP. You have to be woman enough to let him go and find someone who only has eyes for you. | |
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| trust issues
Posted: 8/7/2009 7:57:22 AM | Yeah just chill out and talk with him about whatever is on your mind, just warn him first. Say "I want to talk about something a bit personal, is it cool?" and then just let it flow. He'll be cool about it if he really likes you.
You seem nice. I'm sure it'll be fine. Try not to judge us all on what some mean spirited and childish fellers did, real blokes would give 'em a backhander and tell 'em to pull their head in and look after a genuine lady. Women really inspire us all you know, we like you very much, we write poetry and songs about you because well, you inspire us. You are our Venus, our Juliet, our Helen of Troy. Don't give little boys who can't see that another thought, their own kind don't like them and damn sure don't agree with them.
This feller, I'm sure he's a good bloke. You seem to think so, relax and be open with him. Just think calm, like Fonzie, "I'm cool." Snap fingers, music starts. | |
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| trust issues
Posted: 8/7/2009 8:04:14 AM | The trick is just not to think about it much. Not to play dumb by any means, just truly internalize this - realize that you can not control what he does. No amount of worrying or checking up on him or being suspicious will change what he does.
Then you can just let it go, and be easy about the relationship. | |
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| trust issues
Posted: 8/7/2009 8:05:00 AM | I have trust from the get go! I let them decide whether I can or not!
Edit:
I've found in the past that those who have trust issues in others, in many cases, is just a reflection of the trust they have in themselves. | |
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| trust issues
Posted: 8/7/2009 8:14:22 AM | have the problem myself with lack of trust in people i dont know if its me or if its the people i end up with?
my ex had cheated on me many times in a 24 year marrage and was so bad i couldnt belive a word she ever said
just ended a relationship with someone who i thought was my world but they where online looking around and i couldnt handle that so had to let go shame as she was what i thought was as near dam perfect as i could find but then things started to happen like all the online sites she was on and her trying to not have as much time with me as i wanted with her she says i was smoothering her and i thought about it and thought she might be right but the phone was our only link as its long distance and we had a great few days together yet it ended when i returned and she didnt want to speak to me on the phone one morning and i just thought sod if dont waste time on people who dont have the time to waste on you
but the thing is there was things about this person that just didnt add up so i know i have an issue of trust but she wasnt all pure white
anyway the thing is i am a truely honest person and will admit i am not perfect but the fear of players online just useing people makes me want to give up ever finding someone that is as honest as me | |
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| trust issues
Posted: 8/7/2009 8:16:41 AM |
Is there anyway to get over my trust issues?
Maybe your lying cheating scum magnet is turned on? | |
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| trust issues
Posted: 8/7/2009 8:32:02 AM | | You've got to put the past behind you and trust him until he gives you reason not to. I've not been cheated on, at least to my knowledge but I have been through an abusive relationship amoung other things. I've had to learn to trust again or I'd have given up at 21. | |
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| trust issues
Posted: 8/7/2009 8:37:29 AM | | Trust him to not cheat on you? Kinda narrow isn't it. Can you also trust him with your money, trust him to not hurt you, trust him to be there when you need him, trust him to not leave for stupid reasons like having a baby, etc. Trust to not cheat is no deal breaker when weighing in other trust issues, you got a lot of testing to do. | |
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| trust issues
Posted: 8/7/2009 8:53:26 AM | Ronald Reagan was fond of saying "trust but verify". I prefer quoting my uncle (who was the most untrustworthy person you could meet), "give them enough rope, and they'll hang themselves". I figure most cheaters show their true colors after a couple of months (that's about the length of their attention span). Don't doubt his every move, just be vigilant.
I didn't question my last relationship on my doubts. I just kept feeding him "the rope." He eventually hung himself with this rope when a woman posted a testimonial on his profile clearly marking him as her territory (you know, the profile that wasn't supposed to be there because as he said he deleted it because he didn't need it anymore).
I believe trust has to be earned. Especially when you've been burned so many times. A good trustworthy guy will have the patience. But at some point, you will have to make a leap of faith and hand over that trust. | |
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Posted: 8/7/2009 9:57:38 AM | | By focusing on your fear that your mate will cheat you are actually unconsciously setting yourself and your mate up for that a situation. You are passively acting in ways that are suggesting to him that you expect him to cheat and when the opportunity arises he will act on it (since you have already granted him permission via an expectation). You need to switch from fear of being cheated on to focusing on the great qualities of your mate. List his great qualities and focus on those and always remind yourself that you have a loving and faithful relationship and your mate will act in a loving, loyal and faithful of way in order to meet your expectations. The way we are treated by others is simply a mirror of the way we feel about ourselves. If you demand respect people will give it to you and if you carry yourself around with low self esteem people will also treat you with less respect because you know yourself better than they know you and they can treat you no better than you treat yourself. | |
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| trust issues
Posted: 8/7/2009 10:06:10 AM | Is there anyway to get over my trust issues?
time. patience. communication. honesty.
recognize that trust is a risk, and that every time you choose to give it away, you risk being disappointed, feeling let down or being hurt. also recognize that when you choose to give trust to another, they *will* inevitably, in some way, disappoint you, let you down, or hurt you. why? because they're *human*....not deliberately hurtful or untrustworthy.
trust, like love, is an active word and something you can give freely, or w/reservation. the point is, it is a *choice*....and though it makes you vulnerable, it also gives you power.
no one can help you "get over" your trust issues. you can choose to be over them or to live in a shell of uncertainty, victimized by your past experiences and choices. it's up to *you*..and the moment you accept responsibility for your own healing, the healing journey begins.
good luck. | |
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| trust issues
Posted: 8/7/2009 10:10:21 AM | | You really have to give trust when you enter into a relationship. If you don't give trust, then sooner or later your mistrust will become a self fulfilling prophecy, and you will push the person to the point where they are so fed up of you not trusting them that they might as well go and play away anyway. If you give someone your trust it is a gift, and it is a gift that anyone with half a heart will cherish. If you give someone your trust (and I mean fully) then chances are they will work harder to try to keep it. It also shows them you are confident in yourself and their love, and that in turn will make you more attractive to be around. A happy rather than stressed and anxious atmosphere is what everyone wants to live in. If you provide this atmosphere people will be less likely to be tempted away from it. Also, one last thing, I don't believe you really can love another person unless you can put your trust in them. If you think they are a liar then that is an insult to their character, and if you don't like their character you shouldn't be with them in the first place. | |
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| trust issues
Posted: 8/7/2009 10:13:51 AM | | Well if you go with the idea that you will trust until they give you reason not to, then you are one step ahead of the game. I agree with the poster who said you should not let the other person have that power over you to decide whether or not you should trust others. Good luck! | |
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| trust issues
Posted: 8/7/2009 10:18:11 AM | I would say to give the trust but I do not blame you if you don't.
We all have disappointing experiances, some more then others and we will never forget and it sucks for the people that can be trusted but you just never know. | |
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| trust issues
Posted: 8/7/2009 10:39:19 AM | At 20 years old, being left for another woman is normal. Cheating may be as well, as a form of being left for another woman. People meet and they get interested so unless they have a specific interest in keeping that relationship intact, the move on to the next one. It happens more with young people than with older, because there is less to a relationship and more to the sexual distractions. In most cases the man has agreed to the relationship as the situation in which he gets to enjoy sex. He'll like the rest of it, too, but sex is the primary motivation. When you tell men you don't want to have sex unless you have a relationship, you get men having relationships to get laid. Then either someone else comes along, or the relationship costs more than the sex is worth.
When I say relationship and sex as separate things, they aren't really, but the difference is about the emphasis. The man will be having his affectionate feelings as a product of sex, while the woman has the feelings foremost, then sex is an expression of those feelings. A man will run off to have sex with another woman, while a woman will run off to fall in love with another man. That's a sweeping generalization, to get an idea across. The main thing at work here is your age. Without having a strict requirement to either remain apart or get married, young people hop about a lot, on impulse and for practice, being curious, and saying things that sound right at the time with hardly any consideration for tomorrow.
However other people act, your job is to know what you want and put limits on what you will accept. It takes more to know someone well than it does to want them momentarily or to fall in love. The only way I know of to justify trust is through knowledge of the person's character. Do they value their own integrity, and if so, are they clear headed about it or conveniently deluding themselves? I can't say there is a set time for getting to know someone because if you're good at reading people and have the opportunity to see them revealed in action somehow, you might know them quickly, while if you tend to be confused and operate in situations that never force their hand, it could go on forever without getting that telling glimpse of their true colors. Aside from how long it should take, the point remains that without that important step of determining an opinion of their worthiness for trust, then placing trust in them is wishful thinking. | |
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| trust issues
Posted: 8/7/2009 10:41:14 AM | | If you go in thinking it's too good to be true and that it'll end in disaster....then it will. You're setting yourself up for it to happen. He'll pick up on your issues and it'll start to drive him away. | |
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| trust issues
Posted: 8/7/2009 10:45:43 AM | beautiful post i couldnt agree more.
time. patience. communication. honesty.
recognize that trust is a risk, and that every time you choose to give it away, you risk being disappointed, feeling let down or being hurt. also recognize that when you choose to give trust to another, they *will* inevitably, in some way, disappoint you, let you down, or hurt you. why? because they're *human*....not deliberately hurtful or untrustworthy.
trust, like love, is an active word and something you can give freely, or w/reservation. the point is, it is a *choice*....and though it makes you vulnerable, it also gives you power.
no one can help you "get over" your trust issues. you can choose to be over them or to live in a shell of uncertainty, victimized by your past experiences and choices. it's up to *you*..and the moment you accept responsibility for your own healing, the healing journey begins.
The right guy will have to be more understanding and patient with you and will not push you to do anything that you don't want too... but realize this, if you don't give yourself a chance to be happy... you're losing out on a great love. | |
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| trust issues
Posted: 8/7/2009 10:55:30 AM | Is this the guy you've been writing about? You call HIM "too good to be true"????
He has a child he never sees, a woman who plays evil games with their child, a drama going on that will probably continue for 15+ more years.....
And to top it all off, "he says he doesnt know what he would do" when his baby mama wants him back.
I have been doing a TON of kind things for him & have been very supportive of him after he lost his job but he does not do anything in return..
Not to be rude but I think you could benefit from some counseling. Your idea of " a guy who seems amazing and has serious potential" is scary. | |
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| trust issues
Posted: 8/7/2009 11:23:05 AM | How does being left for another woman involve any level of trust?
You expect to suck ass and for the guy to ignore it when another woman who is better comes along? He met another woman and then dumped you. Isn't that the way it's supposed to work?
Be the better woman to begin with. Then the only trust factor is yourself. Do you trust yourself to become a better person or do you want to be "a few extra pounds" despite a fast as teenage metabolism? You're getting worse, not better.
Cheating doesn't involve much trust either. You don't have to trust him not to cheat. He's going to do what he's going to do and it's completely outside of your control, except to provide yourself as the best option so he has no desire to cheat.
I think this is a bit deluded anyway. Most people would cheat given the opportunity. It's not worth worrying about, and overall it's not really THAT big of an offense. Really, who does this sort of cheating hurt? It's just your feelings. That's it. You're only 20. You CHOOSE whether to affected by it or not. The best among us get cheated on and then say "oh well that was a mistake" and then make it our mission to go out and meet even better people and let it roll off our shouldres. It's the pathetic ones that wallow and go oh i'm sooooo sad and upset emo emo i can't trust anyone emo emo. I used to be that way. I want to puke when i think of it.
Life isn't rainbows, hugs, and butterflies. You go into a relationship and just hope for the best and do the best you can. You have little control over what another does. You just filter the best you can and the only real trust involved is the trust you have in your choosing ability. | |
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| trust issues
Posted: 8/7/2009 12:04:20 PM | Firstly, the new guy is not your ex. It would be incredibly unfair to tarnish him.
Second, if your going to try to catch him out, or even suspect anything, theres no way in hell you are ever going to be happy with him.
Third, if hes going to cheat hes going to cheat. There is no stopping it. however you could find yourself without a guy who could be fantastic if you push him away.
A few of us have unfortuneately had to have the experience of several cheaters. No man comes with a sign or warning about it. But there cant be room for fretting. If it happens it happens and you will yet again have to move on, but there is also no need to ruin any chance of happiness by assuming or spying for it. Maybe you know the tell tale signs, but worrying and fretting wont help you be happy with him. | |
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Posted: 8/7/2009 9:34:04 PM | | You have to trust your ability to pick men that won't give you this kind of heartache. They exist. It's just a matter of discrimination, not trust. You don't trust everybody, do you? You only trust those worthy of trust. At least this is what I do. Never had that problem in my entire life. | |
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