| Did you "really" give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 12:48:25 PM | Most of us over 45 have been divorced... do you ever think that maybe you should have done some things differently to have stayed in your marriage?
At the time, it may have seemed an unbearable situation with no hope... but with years of being single under your belt, do you now begin to see some of the "errors of your ways" where you wish you may have reacted in a less destructive way?
I know we can't go back and change anything now and to try again with an ex is probably more challenging because of all the negativity that takes place during a break up...
... but do you ever (like me) realize that where you used to completely blame your ex for the demise of your relationship you now see in fact you had a whole lot to do with it? | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 1:07:17 PM | | Nope, absolutely not. The minute he yelled in front of the children and my son's friend he took the day off work to kill himself, that was the last straw. He took his bottle of pills and wouldn't go to his doctor or hospital and risked so many innocent people's lives by driving that day. No regrets except that perhaps he didn't take more? Ok, don't really mean that or do I...hmmm not sure... | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 1:14:51 PM |
...that where you used to completely blame your ex for the demise of your relationship you now see in fact you had a whole lot to do with it?
Oh, yes... my face shouldn't have gotten in the way of his fist. The fact that it happened twice was totally my fault - I should have known better after the first time. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 1:17:42 PM | | Did I really give it my all? Yes, I did....both times. I gave everything I had to give in both of those marriages. That does not mean that I was blameless.....not by a long shot. I made mistakes....some of them were most likely "the last straw" for my spouse....but I do know, without a doubt in my heart, that I did give my marriages "my all". Was I perfect? No. Did I try to keep the marriage(s) together? Yes, I did. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 1:26:22 PM | I wonder if it ever occurs to anyone in these forums that not all topics pertain to them
or their situations?
Anyways, back on topic.
I understand what you are saying OP...and after having been single for a few years, I
can still say divorce was the best thing in my situation. We got married young and pretty
much grew up together...and in the end we just wanted different things.
We had 29 years together and two children together so I have no regrets.
I think if I could go back and do things differently? I wouldn't be so comfortable with
us always doing our own things. At the time it seemed like we were being independent
and allowing each other to explore our own interests...but in the end...we realized we
had no interests together for the most part.
I think we both share in the demise of our marriage...but the good news is...we
remained friends and we're both doing well....so it's all good. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 1:26:32 PM | Nope. I don't second-guess my divorce at all.
It WAS an unbearable situation and I protected myself and my daughter by leaving. It was the healthiest thing to do and I have no regrets.
Was it easy? Hell, no! Was it right? Hell, yes!
As far as blame goes, well, what happened, happened, and I can't change it. I look back now and and even from today's perspective, honestly, the only thing I can see that I could possibly have done differently was to leave him sooner. In hindsight, the end result was painfully obvious long before I admitted it. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 1:26:53 PM | Oh, yes... my face shouldn't have gotten in the way of his fist. The fact that it happened twice was totally my fault - I should have known better after the first time. Although I read this and laughed, it was because it was written humorously. I am very sorry to read this, that you had to go through such horror! I am sure that is an image you have tried to remove from your memories to some extent. Congratulations on being a survivor! | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 1:36:48 PM | i think this is a good question.
for my part, there is one thing i wished i had done differently: left 20 years ago. by keeping on giving my "all" when my ex gave nothing back, i exposed my children to things i wish i never had, and ended up teaching them by example to put up with things for the sake of keeping the family together that they should never think should be put up with. i regret that deeply.
did i personally do things wrong or that i regret during my marriage? definitely. but those things i can and am working on. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 1:42:45 PM |
do you ever think that maybe you should have done some things differently to have stayed in your marriage?
According to his father NO.. I really have to agree with him in retrospect.. He was not at all in favor of him marrying again after he had to mop up after his previous marriages.
My mistake was not listening to him when I should have. After all who knew him than his very own father.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 1:45:03 PM | ps OT:
my ex has NPD. nope, i don't think i contributed 50% to the collapse of the relationship. if a person continues to be open, hopeful, willing to negotiate, change, right up to the separation...
not every relationship is 50-50. if mine had been, i'd still be married....
JMO | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 1:45:06 PM | After all who knew him better than his very own father. Sorry I forgot to put in the word better. I type slower than I think.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 1:55:01 PM |
but do you ever (like me) realize that where you used to completely blame your ex for the demise of your relationship you now see in fact you had a whole lot to do with it?
Nope. What I did do was insult and disrespect myself by staying and trying way longer than any other sane person would do. It was a form of futile arrogance, thinking I alone could make things better.
I'm not talking one relationship, but two! My exH and then several years later the BF who modeled himself to be everything that my exH wasn't. In many ways, they ultimately were similar. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 1:58:39 PM | I know that when you get to the point of divorce, it has usually become so dreadful that it truly is the best solution... but there is an awful lot that happens between the "I do" and the "I want out".
To me it isn't so much about placing blame as realizing what you will do differently next time... I am somewhat leery of those that say the only mistake they made was to choose a scumbag.
Do you realize those things you'll need to do to be a better wife/husband next time... or are you completely relying on choosing that better spouse to create a more positive outcome? | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 2:10:52 PM | | I certainly gave it my "all". After many, many, many years of fruitless attempts to improve things, including rounds of joint and individual counselling, I finally decided it wasn't worth it. Oh, I'm sure I did things wrong, but my conclusion was that my contributions to the failure were far less than hers, and many of my so-called lapses were triggered by her intransigence. My therapist agreed. My biggest mistake was to keep trying as long as I did. And in the relationships I've had since, none of the issues that my ex supposedly had with me were ever raised by anyone else, and I'm really not doing anything differently. In fact, the only difference has been the people I've chosen to be with. I learned to make better - or at least more compatible - choices in whom I date. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 2:20:27 PM | Unfortunately mental illness, in my case my ex is bi-polar, isn't something that is obvious or is even prevalent early on. Maybe if the family would have been more forthcoming about his mother, I might have given pause, but honestly I had absolutely no way of knowing. You can only put up with so much and hope that you haven't injured your children by putting up as long as you did.
In my mom's case with my dad and my sister's divorce, clearly their husbands were screwing around. I don't know that there was anything they could have done differently. When you marry someone young, I don't know that they can see any pattern of infidelity.
It really depends on the reasons behind the divorce. I am sure there are some divorces that people got married too young and they grew apart. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 2:28:34 PM |
Do you realize those things you'll need to do to be a better wife/husband next time... or are you completely relying on choosing that better spouse to create a more positive outcome?
I am a better *person* with defined boundaries, which I didn't have before. It will make a difference in who I choose to stay with and will create a more positive outcome.
You know, some of us got tricked into bad relationships. Take for example, the abuser or a sociopath, or NPD or BPD. These folks are beautiful operators who reveal their monster once you are hooked, trusting, reliant or are pregnant. With bewilderment, some of us tried to correct the blame they put on us for their own behaviour.
I think that you are inviting us to take some blame in the demise of our failed relationships. For some of us, this may be a good exercise. For others, especially those who bore the brunt of the blame within really bad relationships, this is emotionally dangerous. Our freedom has been to remove blame from ourselves...and yet you want us to embrace it again! | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 2:29:46 PM |
I wonder if it ever occurs to anyone in these forums that not all topics pertain to them
or their situations?
Anyways, back on topic.
I understand what you are saying OP...and after having been single for a few years, I .......
I guess that's what they mean by "Do as I say, not as I do."
I'm sure that "everybody" did the best that they could, under the circumstances and under the heat of passion, emotional turmoil that they were under at that space in time. The luxury of further time and contemplation will always reveal errors or missteps that we took, but life is "real time" and does not allow for instant replays or editing. But hopefully, we will take our mistakes and failures as "learning" experiences and carry them forward to the next relationship. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 2:31:39 PM |
I know that when you get to the point of divorce, it has usually become so dreadful that it truly is the best solution..
Can't say I went through anything dreadful to be honest.. He just left one night and never came back.. I do not believe we had more than two disagreements in the entire time we were together.
I do not think anything would have made a difference to be honest.. When someone wants to be onto the next adventure you cannot possibly stop them from going..
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 2:46:52 PM | I've been married and divorced more than once. I can relate to what you're saying to my first marriage. We both were young, dumb and fulla cum as the saying goes. Of course, I didn't figure that one out for at least another 10 years.
Other than that, I can't equate it with the other marriages. Yes, I made mistakes... like marrying them. LOL! That's not all I did wrong but I won't get into specifics. My last marriage I gave my all and I still regretted throwing in the towel.
In my current relationship I believe we both have learned a lot in our relationships, and bring to the table the lessons of our experiences and renewed commitments to ourselves that if we're gonna be in a relationship again we're gonna do our best to make that person feel appreciated, loved and respected. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 2:55:37 PM | but do you ever (like me) realize that where you used to completely blame your ex for the demise of your relationship you now see in fact you had a whole lot to do with it?
I do not think I blamed my ex but rather I came to understanding about life in general. I cam away from it know that one cannot chain a soul..
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 2:59:48 PM |
... but do you ever (like me) realize that where you used to completely blame your ex for the demise of your relationship you now see in fact you had a whole lot to do with it? I never used to completely blame my ex for the demise of our relationship. I always believed that any marriage could last, so long as what at least one of the partners wanted was for the marriage to last more than they wanted anything else. It took me a long time, but I realized I wanted some things more than I wanted the marriage to stay together. I've always confronted that fact. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 3:17:12 PM | A very good question OP. In fact I was going to ask a very similar question myself after reading all the responses to a thread I started and saw that most responses were positive toward their ex's If anyone wants to view it, the link is: http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts12677347.aspx
In fact, I think I saw the OP's response to it. Not sure. If not, I have seen other posts by the OP, Janet4ever.
In response to the question...Did I give it my all? YES, I gave it everything I had to make my last 3 year relationship work. It was her choice to end it, not mine. I don't even know for sure exactly why she ended it. All I have is several theories. It's very complicated, just as she is and as complicated as I am. Did I do anything wrong? Yes, I am sure I did. I know one thing that perhaps was the beginning of the of the end, and that was something that came to light only 3 months into the relationship. I do not completely blame her at all. But I don't blame myself either. Some things were... or are out of control of either of us. The biggest mistake I made was to raise my voice out of frustration that she caused me. I was as patient, understanding and forgiving of many things I don't think the average man could have been. Of course, she probably did not see that at all. Patience and understanding are the two things she definitely lacked or perhaps she would not have ended it. If she had not, I'd still be doing all I could to make it work.
Now, if I respond to this same question concerning my 19 year marriage. My answer is totally different. I know I did not do all I could have. I was the one who ended it. I shamefully gave up as I was going through what my ex-wife called male menopause. I believe she was right. It caused us to grow apart dramatically. But as much as I blamed myself, I can see that she perhaps gave up long before I asked for the divorce. So she did not do all she could have either. The divorce hurt her deeply. Something I had a hard time dealing with. She is to good of a person to have to suffer the pain I put her through by calling it quits. She has since forgiven me and we are today friendly to each other and can laugh together and even reminisce some of the good times we had over the years. For that, I am forever grateful.
So karma came around and kicked me in the butt. In my marriage I did not try hard enough and broke the heart of my wife. In my last heartbreaking relationship, it was her that did not try hard enough or as the question asks, she did not give it her all. Not even close.
So from both relationships I grew, learned and improved in many areas. The changes in me from my last relationship amaze even me! How I've changed. Neither my ex-wife or my recent SO would even recognize me today in many ways.
I'm proud I looked at myself and changed some things by choice. Other things so different about me, changed only due the heart break I have suffered. I can't even explain some of the differences about me today from just 4 months out of the last relationship.
I now like me better then I have in a long time. Now if I can only find that one woman that wants the same thing I want....sigh | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 3:23:17 PM |
I think that you are inviting us to take some blame in the demise of our failed relationships. For some of us, this may be a good exercise. For others, especially those who bore the brunt of the blame within really bad relationships, this is emotionally dangerous. Our freedom has been to remove blame from ourselves...and yet you want us to embrace it again!
That is a very interesting point and one very well taken. I am in a sense to blame because I saw he was impulsive early in the relationship. But I was having myself one heck of a blast with him and eventually fell in love with this fun loving ways. He on the other hand fell in love with me the first weekend we met. Hello red flags should have been flying high and there were for me. But after 6 months of him asking me to marry him 3 plus times a day via phone calls I began to believe he was serious.
I did not listen to his father's wisdom. He that told me he should never be married again, because he was not the type of man that should be married. Love can be blind and there is a whole lot of truth to that once it hits.
So learn you cannot chain a soul that wants to fly free. I wish him a safe flight and hope he avoids the tin whiskers..
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 3:41:29 PM |
I do not think I blamed my ex but rather I came to understanding about life in general. I came away from it know that one cannot chain a soul. .
imo,which is easier said then done, that a soul needs to breath under the best circumstances and vise-a versa. I feel you did your best and will continue to be just that.
I was only married once,20 plus years and have two great sons, so in retrospect I gave my all and she did too. And I still give it my all to my family,the love,wisdom and respect as they now grow, as young and productive men in this world.
That's Life, as Frank Sinatra said,regrets,I have a few,but to few to mention. | |
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| Did you really give it your all?
Posted: 8/7/2009 3:53:58 PM | As we all come from different situations, you will read many different answers in this type of post. The ones who have suffered in destructive and violent situations did the best when they left. Good for you, it is time to move on and upwards.
Myself… yes, I used to put full blame on my husband for the breakup of our relationship. Now, as I look back, I can take half of the responsibility for why my marriage did not work. I was wrong to stay and allow those things to happen. Had I have let go and let him learn his lessons, then possibly, we many have progressed to another level. I find that we as woman sometimes stay too long. Why....because we have children, and we feel that we have to try it all, from every angle, before we have the courage to say, enough is enough. Funny breed we women are, as that is so self-destructive.
I look at my ex, and still see so many of the endearing qualities that attracted me. Yet the years of negativity clearly shuts the door. | |
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