| When is it appropriate to take the step of inviting new "friend" home for dinner/movie?
Posted: 8/7/2009 3:52:02 PM | This question is mostly for the ladies over 45, but men's opinions valued also. I've been dating as a 50 something divorced man for more than four years. It's been pretty much like getting back on the saddle. For me, when I've enjoyed a couple of good dates with sparks and chemistry, I like to invite my new lady friend to my home for a meal we prepare together and a movie... usually kinda chick friendly, if not a real chick flick.
My reasoning for this is that it gives her a chance to really get the touch and smell and feel of my life. My entertainment center is full of photos of family, my books speak about my literary interests, cleanliness and tidyness speak about personal living habits. Let's face it; if we are going to get serious about someone, we all want to see what people are really like as early as possible, don't we?
Several experiences of the past four years have been that the lady I've begun seeing will propose such a thing before I bring it up. Occassionally they have felt a bit guilty about my financing the courtship and either surprise me with offering to pay for a date or inviting me to her place for dinner and a movie.
I have a hearing problem that is actually caused by allergies and sinusitus that results. This is my worst time of year. The symptom is that ambient noise - even at fairly low levels - can distort the sound of someone speaking to me from only a couple of feet away. I become very self conscious about having to say "what" or "would you say that again," or "I didn't hear that." After a couple of tries, and her having said the same thing three times, I give up and just wing it. As a result, I'm not getting 100% communication. However, in the taking the date night to being at home, I don't have any hearing issues and feel I accomplish allot more learning - weather it's at my home or hers.
So the quesion is, when is this appropriate in our generation to propose the "lets meet at my place" date? | |
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| When is it appropriate to take the step of inviting new friend home for dinner/movie?
Posted: 8/7/2009 4:03:38 PM | After whatever period of time she feels comfortable to be alone with you in private. That may be after a couple of dates or a couple of months, depends on the individual and the vibe you are sending out. If you have not been intimate, there is more at stake...a lot of women might consider that is the invitation to take it there. If that is not the intention, you need to communicate and be clear. I would also be honest about your hearing difficulty and offer that a part of the reason to move into this scenario. Of course, it might prompt more questions about that. Either way...if you come across an genuine and dont put any pressure on the situation, you should get a positive response.
Edit: Why would a guy with hearing difficulties caused by allergies and sinusitis smoke, even occassionally? Smoking would only aggravate and increase those sensitivities. If you cant be in public as a result of those challenges....why would you expose yourself to the additional complications of smoking as well? That is something I would definitely question. | |
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| When is it appropriate to take the step of inviting new friend home for dinner/movie?
Posted: 8/7/2009 4:04:27 PM |
My reasoning for this is that it gives her a chance to really get the touch and smell and feel of my life. My entertainment center is full of photos of family, my books speak about my literary interests, cleanliness and tidyness speak about personal living habits. Let's face it; if we are going to get serious about someone, we all want to see what people are really like as early as possible, don't we?
Yes, it is beneficial to see how the other person sets up shop. Also it is good to go out together, and see how they interact in the outside environment.
have a hearing problem that is actually caused by allergies and sinusitus that results. This is my worst time of year. The symptom is that ambient noise - even at fairly low levels - can distort the sound of someone speaking to me from only a couple of feet away. I become very self conscious about having to say "what" or "would you say that again," or "I didn't hear that." After a couple of tries, and her having said the same thing three times, I give up and just wing it. As a result, I'm not getting 100% communication. However, in the taking the date night to being at home, I don't have any hearing issues and feel I accomplish allot more learning - weather it's at my home or hers.
I hear you on this one....well, lets just say I understand. I find it very difficult to hear someone in another environment, so the quiet of the room is very helpful. Conversation flows easier when I can understand what one is saying. | |
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| When is it appropriate to take the step of inviting new friend home for dinner/movie?
Posted: 8/7/2009 4:11:06 PM | Is there any reason you haven't gotten your hearing tested and gotten something to aid your hearing? I do know hearing aids make all noises louder, but if you are having that much difficulty hearing your date, I certainly think it is necessary.
Is there any reason you aren't upfront with the woman you are dating and let her know you are hearing challenged? That would make it easier to suggest a date at your place. | |
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| When is it appropriate to take the step of inviting new friend home for dinner/movie?
Posted: 8/7/2009 4:14:27 PM | With that wonderful smile? Maybe the second date?
Honestly, you come across as very charming in your post as well as your profile and I think that's why the woman is usually asking you to their house first. I don't think there is any set time for asking, but if they feel comfortable asking you to their home, you should feel comfortable asking her to yours.
I also agree with Golfgirl. Be honest about your hearing. | |
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| When is it appropriate to take the step of inviting new friend home for dinner/movie?
Posted: 8/7/2009 4:15:00 PM |
eschec mat : Is there any reason you haven't gotten your hearing tested and gotten something to aid your hearing? I do know hearing aids make all noises louder, but if you are having that much difficulty hearing your date, I certainly think it is necessary.
A hearing aid will likely not help in this type of situation, however dealing with the sinusitis with an anti-inflammatory prior to it escalating to that point would probably be something worth looking into.
Just because one doctor says there's no treatment doesn't mean you shouldnt seek a second or third opinion. | |
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| When is it appropriate to take the step of inviting new friend home for dinner/movie?
Posted: 8/8/2009 6:25:25 AM | | Thanks, Golfgirl! I think you hit it right on the head with the suggestion that if we had yet to be intimate... Twice recently I was surprised by the "non positive" response to this proposal and now realize that I hadn't posed the offer with sufficient "qualification." In both cases I hadn't let them know that I wasn't planning on "negotiating the sheets" and it was strictly a desire to get to know them better. BTW, I don't smoke anything during the allergy seasons. | |
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| When is it appropriate to take the step of inviting new friend home for dinner/movie?
Posted: 8/8/2009 6:31:49 AM | | Thanks Matt. I have had my hearing tested - many times. Doc explained my seasonal tinitus results from my sinusitus. I'm allergic to so many things it's rediculous, so injections proved ineffective. I take a couple of meds when it gets bad, such as anti histimines and decongestants. They are very effective in every other respect, but don't completely eliminate the tinitus. Doc says I'll have to live with it. Perhaps I should share this issue with my dates. Not a bad suggestion at all, however I am also a little hesitant to get into too much health chat too soon, if you understand my thinking. | |
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| When is it appropriate to take the step of inviting new friend home for dinner/movie?
Posted: 8/8/2009 6:33:22 AM |
So the quesion is, when is this appropriate in our generation to propose the "lets meet at my place" date?
I do not think one could say what particular time would be the right time. It would depend on her comfort level with you. If you do feel comfortable enough to invite her over do it somewhat casually and in passing and watch her reaction.
However if she has already invited you to her place than that is a good indication she would want to check out yours. So might well wait for that to happen first and you follow.
If she has not invited you in then chances are she is not at this comfort level yet and give it more time.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| When is it appropriate to take the step of inviting new friend home for dinner/movie?
Posted: 8/8/2009 8:35:04 AM | I suggest that you find very quiet venues for your dates. And go during off hours when the restaurants are near empty.
Even a jointly purchased and prepared picnic would be great - many quiet outdoor locations are available. If your purpose is to show her your home environment - tidiness, cleanliness, etc., you don't really have to spend a lot of time there. Maybe just preparing the picnic sandwiches in your kitchen is enough for any woman to notice your home habits.
I think you are perceptive in showing your home - my experience is that a home environment speaks loudly about a person - more than great conversation and chemistry.
A messy, disorganized home is quite a turn-off for me.
A brief visit would take the pressure off the situation and remove any hint of moving too fast.
When the time is right, then invite her over for dinner and a movie. | |
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| When is it appropriate to take the step of inviting new friend home for dinner/movie?
Posted: 8/8/2009 9:06:01 AM |
When the time is right, then invite her over for dinner and a movie. Right. Each person is different, so feel out the situation and go with when you think the time is right, that's all. There's not really a blanket answer.
BUT...
I like to invite my new lady friend to my home for a meal we prepare together and a movie I'm not so sure about the "prepare together" part for the first invite!
It's awkward to help cook in someone else's kitchen.. you don't know where things are, nor how the person likes to have things done, especially if he's still a "new" friend.
My thought is to prepare the meal yourself the first time.
Chances are, if she's a polite person, she'll offer to help clean up ... and if you say yes, THEN you can have some "together having fun" time in the kitchen. Not that cleanup is really considered 'fun'.. but together it can be!
Then the next invite can be to prepare the meal together, and she's already a bit aquainted with the kitchen. | |
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| When is it appropriate to take the step of inviting new friend home for dinner/movie?
Posted: 8/8/2009 9:30:43 AM | Thanks, breath~, you and softwarelady brought up something I hadn't really considered - preparing a meal together. Yep, strange kitchen, strange chef, right? Normally when I've done this, everything is ready to go when she arrives. All I need to do is light the grill, start oven, or whatever. My date usually ends up seated at the kitchen bar with a drink and we chat while I cook. I'll ask her help in getting things to the table, setting the table, lighting candles, etc. Keeps her busy and things move along quickly.
Thanks to all who responded. I appreciate your opinions, thoughts and suggestions! | |
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| When is it appropriate to take the step of inviting new friend home for dinner/movie?
Posted: 8/8/2009 10:03:17 AM | I don't think it would hurt to ask her her food preferences. Nothing worse than having a man invite you to dinner and talk about how their favourite thing to prepare is something she doesn't enjoy. She wouldn't want to put a damper on things, but wouldn't want to force something down that she really doesn't like.
ps I relate to your hearing issue. I just explain to people that I hear better in my left ear, and that I have a hearing issue that causes me to hear background sounds louder than the person speaking to me. No big deal for me, and I don't find others are bothered by it. | |
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| When is it appropriate to take the step of inviting new friend home for dinner/movie?
Posted: 8/8/2009 10:09:14 AM | I just found out that if they are seated on my right side, the hearing problem .. isn't nearly as big a problem.
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I don't know why you're so uncomfortable about telling woman your seeing that your allergies make it a bit difficult at time to hear.
Ask the woman to sit on your right side that it's easier for you to hear her.
Years ago, a friend of my Mom's had a hearing problem and when we went to eat, she would ask me to sit on her right side.
People need to COMMUNICATE. If you're too shy to tell her about a minor inconvenience, you're not even ready to do the horizontal mambo. 
You seem like a nice guy, but I have to wonder if you think the woman is so shallow that she's going to next you because of this. Or do you seek perfection and now your deflecting this onto others?
I've learned if I don't see at least where a man lives by the 3rd date, he just might be married.  | |
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| When is it appropriate to take the step of inviting new friend home for dinner/movie?
Posted: 8/8/2009 11:49:20 AM | | I think growing up in the 70's when men would use "let me come over and bring a bottle of wine and a movie or how about me cooking for you or you for me" as a way to avoid going out and having to spend money before they knew if they were into you...I probably would tell you how I felt about that type of invite and not accept an invitation, times have changes but certain things remain the same...and I don't think I would invite any one to my home or my personal space until we had interacted in different environments outside of both of our environments..its tells you a lot about a person..its too easy to get to the homes, eat dinner, drink a little and go to the next intimate step and not be sure if its going to work on a mental level.... | |
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| When is it appropriate to take the step of inviting new friend home for dinner/movie?
Posted: 8/8/2009 11:55:53 AM | | In SW Ontario, constant stormy weather restricts us more to the indoor. We need excuse to get out to a different environment. Besides, I don't think seeing someone's home would let me know them any better than to go on little advertures. If I need to impress someone with my private residence, they might not be the person for me. I get tired to being ask to have someone who's main interest is couch sitting at my house or his. | |
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| When is it appropriate to take the step of inviting new friend home for dinner/movie?
Posted: 8/8/2009 1:50:15 PM | Ha, ha! I had no idea doing this would be so amusing, if not also helpful.
Sassy, did you say "horizontal mambo!?!"
I'm NOT shy! In fact I'm quite gregarious. I did, in fact, explain the hearing thing to both dates described below. Neither made an effort to speak up. Typical.
I better frame my point of reference as this had come to be a concern for me.... Twice in the last couple of months I have met high quality prospects. Both I emailed with initially, spoke on the phone a couple of times or more before we met out for****ails and on both first dates it went so well that we stayed through multiple drinks, and appetizers - one of them dinner too. After two dates over about a 10 day period that included nearly daily phone calls, I asked them if they'd like to have dinner at my house the upcomming Saturday evening. One of them was quite forward with "I'm not sure I'm ready to start ..." I explained that "that's not my agenda and I'd be surprised if you were ready for that." The dinner followed meeting near my place for a coctail and then five hours of cooking, eating, sitting on the lake side patio where I live and a good time was had - no sex, and no effort on either part to start something amorous. The second prospect was quite indifferent about my offer and questioned my agenda and honesty! Haven't spoken with either since. Found out the first prospect and I didn't really have depth of connection and the second one showed colors I didn't like. Undaunted, I plan to move forward and keep fishing as it were. Just wanted to make sure that my moves aren't inappropriate or vexing my chances to get out of here!
And Bella, my motivations in the past to take it to the private time at home type date were certainly not financial. Just guessing, I spent more than $300 on those four dates. Though, I admit, this damned economy has shrunk my fortunes substantially of late. But still, it's not a financial consderation and I never dutch with dates. I think that lacks class. But just so you know, Bella, when I cook, I don't spare expense and multiple bottles of wine and pre made deserts ain't cheap either! | |
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| When is it appropriate to take the step of inviting new friend home for dinner/movie?
Posted: 8/9/2009 10:11:40 AM | Why does it always have to be dinner for a date? Boring!!!
How about going to a museum, art show, comedy club, local theater, etc?
You're dates don't have to be expensive.
Do you get the newspaper? There are lots of things to do besides going out to eat that don't cost a lot of money.
It seems that you think that because you make daily phone calls you're really interested. There are lots of men who call daily for various reasons. I had one guy call me at 8 am on a Saturday morning. I thought, wtf? Is he checking up on me?
No one knows what anyone's agenda is unless they start off on the first date by saying, "I like to take things slowly. I only have sex in a monogamous relationship."
Are you saying things to your dates to let them know what exactly you're looking for? | |
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| When is it appropriate to take the step of inviting new friend home for dinner/movie?
Posted: 8/9/2009 2:30:38 PM | Sassy, thank you for your genuine interest and concern. A neti pot won't do anything other than drain my sinuses for about 30 minutes. I have allergies. That's a complex and common problem in my part of the world, which has the most lush natural landscape in the country. We have a staggering number of natural and imported plant life here that lives year around. Southern Nevada looks like the moon to us. Seemingly void of plant life, save the irrigated man made. They all polenate twice annually. Polen drives histine levels way up. That's the immune system going into overdrive. What it does to us is similar to what happens when you get a really bad head cold. Mucus produced by the gallon per day. Suffice to say that I'm dealing with it according to competent medical advice and treatment.
Regards dinner at my/her place instead of restaurants/bars... and I mean classy bars. The intent is to get to a quiet environment where there are few distractions to focus on the bud of friendship. It' s not a cost issue and dinner at Dan's is NOT boring! LOL! The other places are all on the list, but same issue of noise and distraction prevail.
Regarding your other guesses/observations; see my reply early in this blog to golfgirl. She figured it out right up front. Notice my remarks to her. | |
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