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 mysti1970
Joined: 7/31/2009
Msg: 1
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Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Okay, I had been seeing this guy for a long time and we had great chemistry but for some reason he was always afraid to tell me how he felt about me. It's like I always had to guess and I hate that. I knew he cared by his actions but I'm the type who needs to hear it from a guy's own mouth. Just recently he stopped talking to me and I have no idea why, so I'm confused as all H*ll because everything was going cool but then the communication just stopped. I don't get it. Why do guys do stupid stuff like that?
 disposablehero38
Joined: 4/19/2009
Msg: 2
Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/7/2009 4:25:39 PM
I've ran into women that are the exact same way, guess they both need a therapist or something lol
 DeepLuv09
Joined: 7/24/2009
Msg: 3
Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/7/2009 4:27:10 PM
Inability of a man to emotionally open up to you is one of the most common signs that he does not trust the "match" i.e he is not completely sure about if you are right for him. Either he thinks you are too good for him or that he is too good for you. It could in a deeper level be a sign of disrespect. When a man respects you, I mean, truly, fundamentally he will relate to you without walls and that includes opening up his emotional world to you.

This problem is common if you are dating a man that is much older than you who assumes that you are too young to know anything. He will never trust you enough to "share" his emotional weakness with you. Would you open up emotionally to a toddler? I mean, seriously, how would that be of help to you? LOL> Same thing if he thinks the woman is "too good for him". He will be afraid to display his real emotion in case her opinion of him becomes diminished.

I never waste time with a man who is having a problem being "easy" with me. To me its a form of disrespect.
 Ependa
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 4
Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/7/2009 4:34:55 PM
well, it isn't just guys that do that, some women are either afraid to express their feelings or try to say one thing when they mean another, lol
..but between society, upbringing, and some very basic instincts (more like wiring even)...generally speaking of course..it's not always easy for men to express themselves (nor do they do so in the same way that women do); it's not always deemed appropriate nor are they necessarily shown how to. We confuse the hell out them by wanting them to be all stoic and 'hot' and 'macho'...and then being pissed they're a*holes or uncommunicative. Or we try to get them to open up, do things the way we want , like things we like - basically emasculate them...and the we're not attracted to them. I don't mean you personally...just generally speaking as a society.
I'd personally be supportive, talk to him, but don't push him. Maybe change the way you actually see things (ie. if you know he's expressing he cares through some action, be very happy with that). It's okay to talk to him about being more open..but you have to respect him being a separate being ,too. And sometimes...dumb as this sounds..when you take a step back , it just all seems to fall in place.
oh, and yeah...I'll go back to George Carlin's quote...the only 2 things you need to know about relationships are men are stupid and women are crazy ;)
just a little humor =)
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 5
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Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/7/2009 4:39:01 PM
People tend to hold back expressing their feelings generally for one of two reasons: they're not comfortable enough with you to put their feelings into words or may not be absolutely sure how they feel about you, or they are afraid of the other person's reaction. And there are those who are less verbally expressive and those who are more verbally expressive. It can just be a difference, it's not necessarily an indication they need therapy.

Two people dating or involved sometimes develop their individual feelings at a different pace. The "timing" aspect of relationships can be frustrating because it's something neither can really control.

If verbal expression is important to you, then you either need to find someone who is generous with verbal expression (one of the love languages) or find someone who's not and find a way to tell them in a non-threatening way that it's something that's important to you.

It takes some people awhile to get to a comfort level where they can relax a bit and open up. It's up to you whether you think it's worth it to give them the time to let them do that at their own pace or if you want someone who's natural inclinations are closer to your own.
 idoc_steve
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 6
Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/7/2009 4:42:40 PM

bucsgirl : people tend to hold back expressing their feelings generally for one of two reasons: they're not comfortable enough with you to put their feelings into words or may not be absolutely sure how they feel about you, or they are afraid of the other person's reaction. And there are those who are less verbally expressive and those who are more verbally expressive. It can just be a difference, it's not necessarily an indication they need therapy.

Two people dating or involved sometimes develop their individual feelings at a different pace. The "timing" aspect of relationships can be frustrating because it's something neither can really control.

If verbal expression is important to you, then you either need to find someone who is generous with verbal expression (one of the love languages) or find someone who's not and find a way to tell them in a non-threatening way that it's something that's important to you.

It takes some people awhile to get to a comfort level where they can relax a bit and open up. It's up to you whether you think it's worth it to give them the time to let them do that at their own pace or if you want someone who's natural inclinations are closer to your own.


^ This is the best post I have read in quite a while.

Advice just doesn't get any better than this folks...



 sleeping beauty
Joined: 6/19/2008
Msg: 7
Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/7/2009 4:43:29 PM
obviously he has a HUGE communication problem. do you really want to see yourself in 10 or 20 years from now with someone who can't respond at all to important questions about your relationship? or do you see yourself as someone who is valuable and deserves to be at peace in her relationship?

to be with someone for a long time and then just cut it off like that with no explanation is beyond rude. he is an immature adult that can't get beyond his own self to learn how to make a woman happy. i am sorry but immaturity is rampant in our society. bite the bullet, face the pain and then be determined to find a guy that can TALK to you. it's a pretty basic need in relationship.
 ~GoneSailing~
Joined: 6/5/2009
Msg: 8
Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/7/2009 4:48:53 PM
I think committing to being in a relationship with someone means that part of the give and take exchange is creating a safe place for that person to land. It's up to each partner participating to make the other safe - in whatever manner that may be. To express themselves in a way that is comfortable for them.

All that being said? Sometimes you simply can't. No matter how you try, some people just do not feel safe discussing their feelings, their emotions, or their thoughts to others.

I'm not sure what you can do then.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 9
Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/7/2009 4:49:55 PM
I don't know. I'm kind of afraid to say.



Just kidding. I agree with Bucsgirl. Sometimes we aren't so sure of our own feelings let alone sharing them with someone else. Then there is the common fears such as rejection. I've told women things like "hey you know I really like you a lot" and got no response whatsoever. Ouch. What doesn't kill you sometimes leaves a bruise for awhile.
 guernsey_donkey
Joined: 1/31/2006
Msg: 10
Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/7/2009 4:51:05 PM
I wonder if you had 'great chemistry' but he didn't, and he sensed this and backed off.

We can be bad at breaking up. Ladies DO NOT want to be told that we just don't fancy them , so we tend to say the old 'it's me not you' or just walk away, like this fella did.
 loi101
Joined: 7/29/2009
Msg: 11
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Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/7/2009 4:51:40 PM
Probably that he like you but was'nt in love and now he as found someone else who he thinks might be a better person for him but it was to hard to let you know so he just stop the communication.
 DemonDingleBerry
Joined: 6/7/2009
Msg: 12
Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/7/2009 4:54:11 PM

Why do guys do stupid stuff like that?

It seems that everything was right there. You just maybe didn't want to see it?

The guy didn't communicate his feelings. He didn't communicate. You had to guess. But you are surprised he didn't communicate later when there was a problem that motivated him to disappear?


Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?

Because it shows weakness and traditional gender role rules are still prevalent in society?
Because current "feelings" may be in contrast to what was historically said or shown, therefore expressing current feelings will show inconsistency...therefore possibly calling out lies? Inconsistency = conflict and risk? It's easier and safer to avoid conflict and risk by running away? There isn't all that much incentive to stay and face it?
 cwazychicken
Joined: 6/2/2008
Msg: 13
Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/7/2009 5:06:28 PM
I can usually tell if a guy is into me or not...based by his actions. Sometimes guys really are afraid to tell you how they feel because they are 1) too macho, 2) too ignorant, or 3) too afraid to get their feelings out if its quick in the relationship, in terms it may not last or because they just want to take their time knowing if its real or not. Some guys do not want to hurt you and just say it back because you want them to. Recently, i hooked up with my ex from 10 years ago and well, i can tell hes into me and he knows im into him. Sure, we tell each other a lot how much we care about each other...but Sometimes we don't have to say anything but look into each others eyes & that just eases me.

Sounds to me that he was not ready to tell you how he felt. He got scared or hes confused and does not really know how to feel. I would be more patient with him if you really are into him, because feelings are a thing that takes time. I HAVE admit i have said i love you or i care too fast when it turned out, i really didn't care or they didn't care as much as i did......that it was just mixed emotions.

Guys are like books, can read them and read them over and over again and still not understand what they mean.
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 14
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Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/7/2009 5:32:13 PM
Not THIS guy! "I love you, baby..."

I dunno, hon. Maybe it's the familiarity factor. I've written about this in other posts. Too much time together. Some time apart is healthy.
 dman82
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 15
Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/7/2009 6:08:48 PM
probably because as soon as we do, we are doomed and taken advantage, and we are looked upon as wussies....

U cant win with women...
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 16
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Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/7/2009 6:21:31 PM

U cant win with women...


Aw c'mon now you're a little young to be that jaded. Plus that type of mindset won't do you any favors.

To be fair there are some women who feel the same way (not me...but I can only speak for myself). That's the problem with such broad generalizations, often people base an opinion or attitude about a whole group of people gender, age....ad nauseum based on a few experiences. Although it's their own experiences, it's self defeating to think that everyone of a gender (or other group) is the same as the few you've had an experience with.

How odd would it be to hear someone say all men or all women were fabulous because they'd had good experiences. It seems the generalizations come after bad experiences.

It does seem to be a HUMAN tendency to do that, but honestly if you were to go into every new experience with a new woman with the idea that you'd be doomed, taken advantage of and looked upon as wussies.....you're creating a self fulfilling prophecy. They fulfill your expectations because that's what you're setting them up for.

If I were a betting woman I'd bet that you'd had at least several experiences that fulfilled those expectations. I've encountered such people and I choose not to become involved, it's not up to me to prove them wrong and that's exactly what they're looking for.

It's unwise to expect a new person to clean up after the mess the last one left behind. You have to do that yourself.
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 17
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Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/7/2009 6:36:15 PM
^^^^ Nope, dman has it correct. They're aren't sincere feelings if they are compulsory. There's no better way to get a guy to clam up than to try and force it out of him -- just like women and sex.

As I was mentioning in another thread recently, for girls, feelings are between people; for boys, feelings are inside. Don't expect him to do feelings like your girlfriends.

<div class='quote'>...but I'm the type who needs to hear it from a guy's own mouth.
As the saying goes, your problem is a gift to help you change.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 18
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Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/7/2009 7:42:20 PM
I suggest you ask him.
 Ravager
Joined: 2/1/2004
Msg: 19
Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/7/2009 7:56:10 PM
Honestly, it seems like when you talk about your feelings with a woman, they view you differently.....not in a good way.

I don't really have a problem with showing how I feel (I think) but sometimes I don't unless asked, etc.

THIS guy however...it seems a bit more complicated than that. Could be anything from not knowing how to "say" how he feels to what I mentioned, or maybe he isn't sure how he feels.

Ask and see.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 20
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Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/7/2009 7:57:27 PM
When someone is completely at ease and cares for you they say it. Some people may say it more than others but the whole macho don't let you feelings show, is pretty rare these days.
 lbiker
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 21
Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/7/2009 8:50:16 PM
Maybe by not saying the words you want to hear..
He is telling you how he feels about you.
 Ruby Sneakers
Joined: 7/20/2009
Msg: 22
Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/7/2009 9:01:56 PM

Inability of a man to emotionally open up to you is one of the most common signs that he does not trust the "match" i.e he is not completely sure about if you are right for him. Either he thinks you are too good for him or that he is too good for you. It could in a deeper level be a sign of disrespect. When a man respects you, I mean, truly, fundamentally he will relate to you without walls and that includes opening up his emotional world to you.


I just had to say also that this is an awesome response to the query!
well done.. it makes so much sense...
 Does Not Want Drama Girl
Joined: 7/13/2009
Msg: 23
Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/7/2009 9:11:58 PM
I do not agree.. maybe with some. There are always those that do not know what they want.. But, If you are on here and looking for long term and find someone that could be long term and it is going fine ... Then why would a Women think of you as a Wussy.. Actually I would rather see men act more wussy every now and then, If the Meaning of Wussy is showing how you feel.. It really helps with not questioning what is going on.. We are all hear with our Hearts on a string in search of the same thing.. The good people on here anyway..

You could win with the right women... You need to break your wall down a little and just let loose and see what happens.. and maybe you can win.. But on the other hand do not listen to me I am on here too lol
 Smilingeyes_54
Joined: 2/27/2009
Msg: 24
Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/7/2009 9:20:27 PM
tIME to move on girl...........if a man shuts down it only heart ache for ya. Emotional bond is the keeper.........not chemistry
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 25
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Why are some men afraid to express their feelings?
Posted: 8/7/2009 9:47:34 PM
slightly OT to the OP, but i'm seeing two interpretations here of 'men expressing feelings.' one is the idea of men verbalizing their emotions. the other is the idea of men verbalizing the emotions they think women want to hear them verbalize.

first off, in order for a guy to verbalize his emotions, he has to know what they are. seems like a no-brainer, but it's not. a lot of men are so conditioned by 'boys don't cry' and 'man up' that they don't recognize their sadness and fear even up to the point where the gun is in their mouth and they're squeezing the trigger. (look at how often that weaselly, no-account, emasculating pseudo-word 'wussy' is used in this thread.) it's much, much more socially acceptable to feel and express anger, believe it or not. the scene of the pro jock busting up the locker room after a big loss illustrates that. so ladies, when you're leaning on your guy to open up and he gives you that nanosecond look of confused terror before he starts yelling and stomping, this may be the area you're touching.

on the second point, guys are afraid they'll be punished for giving the wrong answer, so better not to give any answer. this is on the guy, because he should know better than to fall for this kind of needy manipulation. but let's look at what the op said: the relationship had poor communication, but who was responsible for the acts of stupidity? him. i wonder if that was a characterization he heard frequently.

ladies, this may be the single, solitary area in a man's life where he can be bullied. you frequently are a hundred, a thousand times more emotionally articulate than your man, and he knows it. no one likes to feel overwhelmed. be gentle. the payoff goes to you both.
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