| Joining the Broken Hearts Club
Posted: 8/7/2009 5:10:26 PM | Ok...I got in a disagreement with a guy tonight that I have been seeing for the nearly six years.(I will try to keep this as short as possible)
We have been partners and friends for a while doing all the good things normal couples do....but he will not admit that we are a couple. The fear of committing thing...
I thought we could grow old together....I even put flowers on the graves of his parents on a yearly basis....we discussed a lot of things about life ....but when it comes down to actually discussing going to another level....he backs off ...fast. .and I have to coax him back to where we left off...........as friends doing things all couples do ..but I can't say "couple"..
He was on POF a while ago but deleted it..then went on incognito and my friend found him on here...he never knew I knew so I set up an account and got on FORUMS..I like forums and not on here to date anyone..just here for the forums. He saw me on here and emailed me that he set up an account because if I was on here..he might as well be on it...(he still did not know..I know about the incognito profile)
He recently created a facebook page for friends and family....he noted.. "in a relationship" and I thought that was sweet of him......I took him on a dry run to his new job site and took him to dinner ..for being so sweet. We had a great time..
Well today things must have changed...he changed his "in a relationship" to "single"..and looking for friends...I felt like he "slapped me" in the face..
So I angerly type out a "testimonial". here on POF...stating his positives (fair and honest)..and his negatives (also fair and honest). Later this evening I was chatting with him on Yahoo IM and he thanked me for the testimonial..I said your welcome.. he got upset...he felt that I "slammed him"
It's not fair to invite women to think they may have a chance with him when he has this fear of commitment. I have bent over backwards to please this man ...any man would have been thankful... he admitted that we are very good friends ..and we have been over this over and over..he does not want a serious relationship. He has no money to date anyone.
I feel disrespected as a woman...that this man --- is not all that and a bag of chips ANYWAY..feels the need to seek other women while he enjoys the comforts of having a this long term friend pamper him ...having his cake and eating it too...
So now...it's back to square one...I step back and remind myself that he is fishing without any bait....I was the best thing that happened to him and now he is sulking because I called him out on POF.
I have gained 50 pounds since I have known him...due to job stress and his refusal to call our relationship...........a relationship.
So now it's time to get back in the gym and work my ya' ya's out...thanks for reading this..I tried to keep it short...tommorow is another day. | |
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| Joining the Broken Hearts Club
Posted: 8/7/2009 6:10:06 PM | That sounds unbearable, what he is putting you through.
Dump him. Get rid of the loser. Why put up with another six years
of that horrible business?
Get someone who will be in a real relationship with you and not looking for
something better.
I see in your profile you are "not looking to date".
But.... he IS looking to date. So that's what you should be doing too.
It's a one way marriage you have--you are devoted to only him and he
is out looking. STOP DOING IT. You can't change him. You can only
change you. | |
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| Joining the Broken Hearts Club
Posted: 8/7/2009 6:27:15 PM | Ugh the Facebook status break-up. : /
My best wishes to you. (I want to start singing, "Love Stinks," but I'm not sure it's appropriate, lol.) | |
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| Joining the Broken Hearts Club
Posted: 8/7/2009 7:17:38 PM |
I have gained 50 pounds since I have known him...due to job stress and his refusal to call our relationship...........a relationship.
It might be a good idea to find a better way to handle stress. That much extra weight puts a lot of strain on your heart, and causes other health problems. There are some good techniques to learn for mitigating stress. Learning to manage stressful situations is well worth doing. Over-eating is just one problem. Stress generally impairs your immune system and does a few other nasty things.
The rest sounds like you're acting childish, in a way. I think we all do when we get upset, now and then. It's sometimes hard to realize that unless someone points it out. He's doing the same, no doubt. Can you rise above this tit-for-tat stuff? Posting things against each other online and setting up fake profiles and bickering over trivial details doesn't do any good. Two adults should be able to sit down and have an intelligent conversation about their issues. That's the way to work things out or else part on good terms. Easier said than done, but still a good goal. | |
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| Joining the Broken Hearts Club
Posted: 8/7/2009 7:19:13 PM | I feel disrespected as a woman...that this man --- is not all that and a bag of chips ANYWAY..feels the need to seek other women while he enjoys the comforts of having a this long term friend pamper him ...having his cake and eating it too..
Yeah they are the ones that think they ARE the bag of chips.
How can I say this and still gain your respect- if I ever had it because
I really respect you here and your posts on the forums-
You want him to see your value. You want him to validate your feelings back
and he cant - he opts out.
He is unavailable to be in a relationship - to bring to that relationship what
he is supposed to - Loving you, being committed to you, honoring what comes
out of his mouth to you - he cant do it. He cant do it with anyone and he has
been doing it for a very long time and you have been hoping and praying
if maybe, just maybe if you close your eyes and open them really fast he
will be that guy you want - committed to you.
I want you to go to this website- I want you to read it, I want you to participate
in the forums and I want you to never ever settle for this again.
You are so much more.
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/breaking-up-and-moving-on-by-cutting-contact-part-1/ | |
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| Joining the Broken Hearts Club
Posted: 8/7/2009 7:47:11 PM | my2cntsin : So I angerly type out a "testimonial". here on POF...stating his positives (fair and honest)..and his negatives (also fair and honest). ....he thanked me for the testimonial..I said your welcome.. he got upset...he felt that I "slammed him"...I was the best thing that happened to him and now he is sulking because I called him out on POF.
It's over, it was good at first and then it turned bad, you were both in it for too long, and he decided to bail first.
He did you both a favor by jumping ship before wasting any more of each others time, now you do both of you a favor and remove the negative testimonial and cut all contact with him.
If you don't understand why, that's ok. Some day you will. | |
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| Joining the Broken Hearts Club
Posted: 8/7/2009 8:00:03 PM | Hey girl,
You need trust in a relationship to make it work. He broke that. It sucks..I know. You take a chance with your heart. You figure, ok I know this person, I care for him, let's do this. I'm all in. And then, you find out. You wonder if it's real, or if you're misinterpreting. But then, your own mind, the parts within you that love you tell you...this isn't right.
Many women sit in that mode for a really long time. Denying. Hurting. Angry. Frustrated.
Hats off to you my dear, for listening to your inner voice, and loving yourself enough to get out.
OK so, you stopped putting you first..that happens too. Stress, depression. Put on a little weight. I know that song all to well too. We're all only human.
You are right...get your buns back in that old gym. Take every little piece of heart break you have, and take it out on that treadmill. You will find that when you are done, along with not hurting anymore, you'll have a sexy new you. ( :
And as far as he goes....F HIM. Only an idiot, moronic bozo would not treasure a lady like you. He's not worth the gum on the bottom of your shoes. AHHHH...go scrap him off on the lawn. Hahahahahha.
Sending you big hugs. You'll be in a better place before you know it. | |
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| Joining the Broken Hearts Club
Posted: 8/7/2009 8:38:04 PM | | You go, girl! Losers like him come and go (hopefully). Now it's time to find a good guy who isn't afraid of commitment and will treat you like you deserve. Good luck at the gym! | |
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| Joining the Broken Hearts Club
Posted: 8/8/2009 1:28:56 AM | Thanks guys ...I really needed that. Yeah...I deleted the testimonial..and emailed him that the truth sometimes hurts..sometimes when you look outside the box...Reality smacks you right in the face and says..."SNAP OUT OF IT GIRL"...times a wastin'
Yeah...most of the weight gain is from sitting at a desk at work and stressing out 8 to 10 hours a day......I used to work out every day until I messed up a leg muscle and needed time to let it rest...I let it rest alright. My hours got switched to 5am -1:30 pm so I have to get up in the middle of the night and get ready..(leaving in a few minutes)...like people working midnights..you really never get used to it.
ANYWAY....I decided not to go into a major depression over this... ..and I will get back into the gym monday ....because I am all I have...for now. | |
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| Joining the Broken Hearts Club
Posted: 8/8/2009 4:43:29 AM |
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/breaking-up-and-moving-on-by-cutting-contact-part-1/
Thanks for posting this link Curlygrl. It's a great site for women and I feel so much better after reading several articles.  | |
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| Joining the Broken Hearts Club
Posted: 8/8/2009 6:36:07 AM | look, 2centsin, do you think that yours is a rare case? Of a couple not wanting to say 'we're a couple'. People sometimes don't want to, can't , or refuse completely to acknowledge this. If it's this guy you are with that is frozen, or has been frozen around it...then that is the only reality. Now , you are talking about the 'reality' that you created in your own mind.
Again...not unusual. Since most humans 'imagine' what a relationship is like....and most are typing behind a keyboard.....no one is sure anymore unless they get in and live it. So, you did that....and darlin', if you can't tell in six years that this man has a bit of trouble with 'declaring' you.....then who's asleep? Tell us , is it him?
And, to blast someone on POF might feel like you are doing a good service to others, but , it is petty, and you are acting like a teen.
You didn't gain 50 lbs 'because' of him. You gained 50 lbs. because your calorie consumption exceeded your level of energy and calorie usage.
I think that it's time, sure, go to the gym, get yourself back.....and learn what you need to know without blaming. You are in with about 90% of most humans who are pushing and trying to make something out of nothing. To spin Gold from Yarn.
Now, You know....Do not sacrifice your Spirit to be 'something' to someone. You either are....or you are not. Let some man adore you.....you cannot continue to go thru these histrionics to 'get' someone to be what they are not. We've all been there where you are...and it's ok to feel the hurt, but get over blame and accusations and public bashing....
You chose to be with this man because your self image was suffering.
that's where you might want to focus your energy right now.
You are going to be OK....forgive, forget, make yourself taller, don't just pick yourself up.
respect
Kimbo | |
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| Joining the Broken Hearts Club
Posted: 8/8/2009 7:07:25 AM | and I will get back into the gym monday ....
Right back at you Baby...I will see you there!!! | |
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| Joining the Broken Hearts Club
Posted: 8/8/2009 7:54:42 AM | It is just me or does it seem really odd that this lasted so long with you not getting your needs met?
I can see being together at first as you get to know each other but to stay for SIX YEARS when you knew he didn't want more than you had?
I recently met a man who had a great thought about this. He said he wanted to be with a woman who had, NO POTENTIAL. I knew immediately what he meant and thought that was such a great way to put it!
Us women are champions at thinking, "this guy has GREAT potential" even when we know there are things missing that we really want or need! "It's ok...I can change that.
No fixer-uppers! It doesn't work!
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| Joining the Broken Hearts Club
Posted: 8/8/2009 4:29:11 PM | After looking back....he was a loner...and alone. I saw great potential in this man. ...building his self confidence so that he can be all he can be...
But instead of using this as a tool to find a better paying career opportunity...
He spent way too much time on the dating personals ..thinking that he can grab one of the online hotties that are desperate and have great sex with her....
Of course get's shot down...and he is back in a funk...dragging his tail behind him...
Going back to square one............ | |
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| Joining the Broken Hearts Club
Posted: 8/8/2009 5:16:08 PM |
Going back to square one............
Yeah thats where he pretty much belongs after his treatment
of you.
Screw him - I know I tried to "fix" someone too.
Way too much drama. At the time I thought I was "fixing" him for
us and OUR relationship - I thought I was building him up, making him
believe in himself, giving him a part of me. Boy do I miss that part now.
I think someone once said "we fix them for the next one".
Look, he STILL has the same issues he had with you- probably more.
Count your blessings. Cheating is a real smack in the face. Its on him,
not on you and NO REFLECTION of the WOMAN you are.
He is an assclown and will always be one. Let the next one deal with him and
in the meantime you get to meet the man that will "fix" you up in all the good
ways that real good men can. | |
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| Joining the Broken Hearts Club
Posted: 8/8/2009 6:15:16 PM | Once you stop kickin your own assz 2centsin, and the smoke clears, you'll be way beyond square one. Betcha!
Think of all that you have learned from this 'lesson'
You can't see it now, but you're ahead of the game now. Knowing what 'not ' to do is such a wonderful thing to know.
And, the cool thing is, you get sharper at spotting the snipers/players among us.
Some lessons take longer than others to get, that's all.
I could go on and on about the fixer upper syndrome, and my (also) six year adventure with that madness, but, no need to. I wish I got the message earlier, but it all takes what it takes. I too hung in hoping for change, it didn't happen. Now, I don't wanna stay stuck there, or blame anybody....two people make a relationship, two to break it but, both have to be in. Not one foot in. See? Now you know, that's not a relationship. Isn't that already beyond square one?
Take some time for you....and...oh, also, you'll know you're on your way to getting some of yourself back when you can stop beginning every sentence with...".well, He this..and He that"...eventually it will shift to .....I this...and Heres what I know. The mind is powerful...Caroline Myss....read some of her stuff. You can get over loss in three days...or three months,...or three years.....you have that choice, believe it or not.
you're gonna be fine
Kimbo
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| Joining the Broken Hearts Club
Posted: 8/8/2009 6:25:08 PM | I don't get it.
He's been telling you for six years that he doesn't consider you a couple and that he doesn't want a serious relationship, and you're calling him out as dishonest because he doesn't consider you a couple and doesn't want a serious relationship?
Though I also don't get why he'd briefly put his status as "In A Relationship." Maybe it was a toggling error and he corrected it as soon as he noticed. | |
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| Joining the Broken Hearts Club
Posted: 8/8/2009 8:23:59 PM | You know, you really don't need someone who treats you like that. It's not good for you (well I know you know that) and you are worth so much more. You obviously feel a lot for him, otherwise why put up with it? I'd suggest withdrawing from him and seeing how that goes. Don't pay him any of the attention he needs, why should you? He's still looking and that's probably why he would never commit. I know you've probably invested a lot of energy and love in him, but he's a withholding person. Let him know what being without you is really like. There is the risk he'll disappear, but what have you really lost?
Edit: I meant to add that you should not blame yourself for his behaviour, his lack of appreciation or his infidelity. You have acted with love and integrity with this man for several years and unfortunately it was wasted on him. Now you know what to look out for, I'm sure you'll find someone better next time. | |
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| Joining the Broken Hearts Club
Posted: 8/9/2009 7:38:48 AM | You are a wise woman mysteriosa,
I thank you and you all for being understanding..
as for me..........I am going BACK to the gym ...with my beloved music that get's me through life.
And back off all the attention I have given him.....................and let him miss me.
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| Joining the Broken Hearts Club
Posted: 8/16/2009 11:45:17 PM | I'm sorry you're hurting. It really sucks to pour your heart and soul into something and not have it reciprocated. You could spend however long you wish being mad at him for being such a wanker, but I suspect that won't help. It will never change him, or change the situation. But there are some important life lessons happening, and if you're open to learning them, it will go a long way towards helping you avoid a situation like this in the future.
I don't know either one of you personally, so mine is a completely unbiased perspective... First, each one of us comes into this world with the inherent right to make whatever decisions we like for our own life. We each have our own beliefs and values with which we govern our lives. But our truths are our own, we have no right to impose them on other people. For example
It's not fair to invite women to think they may have a chance with him when he has this fear of commitment. That's your truth, not his. Clearly, he has a different opinion about this, and whether you like it or not, he has every right to live by his own standards. If they don't match yours, you're under no obligation to continue your association with him.
None of us has the right to impose our ideas as to the 'right' way to behave on another. The upside is, we each get to enjoy our own right to make decisions for our lives. The catch is, we need to respect other's rights to do the same for themselves. So if you have been over and over and over this, and he has expressed to you that he has no desire to have a serious relationship with you, why are you expecting a serious relationship? Yes, it's disappointing, but he DID tell you that clearly, more than once, right? So why were you continuing to invest in this relationship? I think your anger is misdirected. Were you "bending over backwards" for him with the intention of making them feel obligated to you? That's called manipulation, and it has no place in a healthy relationship... we need to be able to give freely to the people we care for, and trust that they have the willingness and the ability to give freely back to us. If it doesn't flow like that, you need to reassess where you're investing your resources.
You also say that he's not really all that and a bag of chips anyway, and even that he's fishing with no bait... Ouch! You clearly don't have a very high opinion of him as a human being. Is it possible he sensed that, and it may have had something to do with his unwillingness to commit to you? I wouldn't want to be partners with someone who thought so little of me, would you? Whatever "potential" you're seeing in him is potential for him to fulfill YOUR ideas about who he should be. Maybe he likes himself as is. Isn't he entitled to the right to pursue his own vision of who he 'should' be?
I'm honestly not trying to be rude or insensative. I just think sometimes we blame other people for the dissatisfaction we're feeling when they fail to meet our expectations, when in all honesty, we have no right to place those expectations in the first place. We're much better served by choosing to accept people as they are, or let them go in favor of others who are more aligned with our own values.
I'm not a religious person, but Don Miguel Ruiz wrote a book called Prayers that really helped change my perspective on relationships, and helped make my life much much more peaceful and satisfying. I hope you can find a way to feel better soon. | |
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| Joining the Broken Hearts Club
Posted: 8/17/2009 8:22:08 AM | I'm with Dawn on this one.
There is a problem, but it has more to do with your self deception than anything else.
we discussed a lot of things about life ....but when it comes down to actually discussing going to another level....he backs off ...fast. .and I have to coax him back to where we left off...........as friends doing things all couples do ..but I can't say "couple"..
Clearly he never considered himself as being part of a couple. He was pretty straighforward about it.
It's not fair to invite women to think they may have a chance with him when he has this fear of commitment.
It's not up to you to say what's fair and what isn't in regards to his life. Maybe when the right woman comes along he won't be scared of commitment. I think that is what your real fear is.
I feel disrespected as a woman...that this man --- is not all that and a bag of chips ANYWAY
...I step back and remind myself that he is fishing without any bait....I was the best thing that happened to him
I have gained 50 pounds since I have known him...due to job stress and his refusal to call our relationship...........a relationship.
After looking back....he was a loner...and alone. I saw great potential in this man. ...building his self confidence so that he can be all he can be...
And back off all the attention I have given him.....................and let him miss me.
I doubt he will miss your constant whinging about getting him to commit. He clearly didn't want to and you clearly weren't listening to him. It seems like he's not a forceful guy and had trouble coping with the power of your delusions and your attempts to change him while at the same time blaming him for your weight gain. From the sounds of it, you didn't have much respect for him anyway.
He didn't disrespect you as a woman, you disrespected yourself. | |
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| Joining the Broken Hearts Club
Posted: 8/17/2009 7:31:43 PM | "After looking back....he was a loner...and alone. I saw great potential in this man. ...building his self confidence so that he can be all he can be"
No one can build another's self confidence. And you wrote earlier, you did everything you could "to please him," "he never had it so good."
All of this is a big mistake. You are trying to earn his love. We don't have to earn love--we deserve because we are human and we all deserve love. Please, read up on self-esteem and spend time learning to love yourself so that you can accept being alone. Only then can you truly be ready for a relationship, and it will find you when the time is right. Don't even date until you are so happy with who you are that you just want to share yourself with someone. And then, make sure that person loves you for who you ARE, not what you do for them (and sometimes, people "love" someone who makes them feel good about themselves, and that is not really loving the other person, either!)
Best of luck. | |
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| Joining the Broken Hearts Club
Posted: 8/18/2009 1:34:27 AM | Thanks Louise...I am not dating.
And it all started going down the tubes with getting on the online personals...I paid for the privelige of being rejected by even the guys who were not all that and a bag of chips anyway.
Self esteem ...means a lot to some and not alot to others. When you look at the female search engine..who do you think has the most self esteem? (that's another thread in itself)
I was taught in the old school that women are to compliment men and be polite and never show anger towards them. How to act like a lady, think like a man and work like a dog.
Yet a whole lot of men out there are looking for spitfires who are selfish and use sex as a tool to get what she wants ..more of them out there than those who more subtle.
My conclusion to this thread is that a THOUSANDS of men out there are content in just sitting in front of a computer...being closed doors..in the dark...lost in fantasy.
No matter how good you treat a guy..they will still be addicted to that fantasy.. | |
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