| How Different is Life as a Single Psrent From How you Thought it Would Be?
Posted: 8/7/2009 11:53:36 PM | Never married mothers, before you made the decision to have a child out of wedlock, what factors did you weigh before making the decision to have the child? What did you think your life would be like as a single parent? How different is your life in reality from what you thought it would be?
Never married fathers, were you involved in the decision to have an out of wedlock child? Before you took on the responsibility of being the custodial parent what factors did you weigh? How is life different from how you imagined it would be? | |
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| How Different is Life as a Single Psrent From How you Thought it Would Be?
Posted: 8/8/2009 1:13:24 AM | How is this redundant? I can't find another thread that asks single parents to compare how they thought leading the life of a single parent would be, to how it actually is.
I got the idea from this post, from the thread called:
"One take on why some men won't date a woman with kids"
Your first reaction anger is understandable, but I wonder who you were really angry with....him for writing it and putting it to music or you for not considering it before you made the decision to have a child.
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| How Different is Life as a Single Psrent From How you Thought it Would Be?
Posted: 8/8/2009 2:30:19 AM | Are you talking about women who had their children from men they wasnt with or wasnt married?
Yes, that is exactly right. The question in the original post is for people who were not married at the time before their child was born.
Never married mothers, before you made the decision to have a child out of wedlock, what factors did you weigh before making the decision to have the child? What did you think your life would be like as a single parent? How different is your life in reality from what you thought it would be?
Never married fathers, were you involved in the decision to have an out of wedlock child? Before you took on the responsibility of being the custodial parent what factors did you weigh? How is life different from how you imagined it would be?
Divorced women weren't thinking about what it would be like to be a single parent before they decided to have their children, because they were married at the time.
However, you ask a good question because in a way, divorced people could answer this question, I'll just pose it in a slightly different way for them:
Divorced men and women who became custodial parents:
Before you made the decision to get divorced and to become the custodial parent, what did you think life as a single parent would be like? How is the reality of single parenthood different from how you imagined it? | |
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| How Different is Life as a Single Psrent From How you Thought it Would Be?
Posted: 8/8/2009 7:25:42 AM | I would have to disagree to some extent on the married women gave no thought to what it would be like to be a single parent when they decided to get pregnant thing FS.
These forums are filled with women who ended up divorced because of kids.
It is how I ended up divorced and disenfranchised from my son. The way she expressed it when she left was it's over and I am taking my son with me.
So it would seem to me that even married women must formulate some idea considering that they would prefer it over married life.
I think they may not realize just what that really entails but the thought process must be there.
You can see a constant defense of the decision though.
I think the hardest part for most is forming a constant story as to the how and why they don't have a father.
The second hardest for most it would seem is trying to a more worthy replacement. | |
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| How Different is Life as a Single Psrent From How you Thought it Would Be?
Posted: 8/8/2009 7:58:17 AM | The way she expressed it when she left was it's over and I am taking my son with me.
Now, I am not implying this was your situation Spider, simply going to state something that I have noticed to be generally true. There are always exceptions to a rule. I do not know your story and even if you told me, I have no right to judge you so the following is not directed at YOU personally.
I think that people who say things like this, say them because they have been hurt by the actions of the other parent. When a marriage ends, it is not a sudden development (except perhaps in death)....there are signs. Parents are generally uber protective of their children. When one they are with has been unfaithful to them, has substance abuse or psychological issues or has been abusive towards them, their first instinct is to protect the children from the influence of that person. Rarely do you hear stories of two people locked in a custody battle over children when the split has been amicable and neither party has acted in a less than honourable way during the relationship towards to the other party. Now why would that be?
I wish the courts were not biased and focused solely on best interests of child so the real facts could be known about the character of someone and their suitability to be in their children's lives. I suspect if that were the case, you would see more joint physical custody arrangements and more equality between moms and dads in terms of who had primary custody of children post-divorce.
Future, am I a muse for your threads now?  Hard to believe that a few short months ago we were at each other's jugulars eh? hehehe
I've already responded in the other thread as to what I thought about when I made my decisions to give birth and raise my children.
Is my life different from what I expected it to be as a single mother? Yes and No.
Yes because I never imagined how many beautiful things I would experience as a mother. Raising my son alone for his entire life, I am intensely proud of the job I have done as a parent and the young man he is today. I expected it to be harder to do on one income sure, so that has come as no big surprise. Raising my daughter sadly falls more into the no category.
No because I didn't realize until later how many people feel negatively about getting involved with someone who has children. I say people because I don't really see it as a gender issue but rather an issue that both genders have, a kind of "human nature". If we as humans didn't have this attitude towards non-biological children, more people would choose to adopt over creating a child from their own DNA.
No because I never realized how difficult it would be to effectively co-parent with my daughter's father. I'm an optimist and very logical in my thinking (most of the time). Something as simple as setting aside personal issues and focusing solely on the child is not so simple to do as I imagined it would be. I see the struggles my daughter has with the arrangement and I don't believe it is due to split custody as much as I believe it has to do with vastly different personalities in the parents and the difference in parenting styles. Everything is a struggle to a degree and it is exhausting for us so I can only imagine how it may feel for our daughter. I will need to wait quite a few years before I can assess which is better for the child....co-parenting with someone you cannot build a healthy relationship with and single parenting of a child. Research seems to lean towards the former but as with most situations like mine, there are variables that can significantly place a child at risk in either situation.
Single parenting (as opposed to co-parenting), there is only one set of rules, mine. There is only one style of parenting, mine. Consistency is easy to provide to a child for each and every day of their life. I would be lying to myself if I said that, with respect to my daughter's situation, I haven't had regrets about how I handled the pregnancy, the involvement of her father and the agreement to a joint physical custody situation. I don't beat myself up over it though because I made the best choices I could at the time and did not have the benefit of a crystal ball. | |
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| How Different is Life as a Single Psrent From How you Thought it Would Be?
Posted: 8/8/2009 9:06:03 AM | I think every woman should consider what it means to be a single parent before she has a child. There are no guarantees in life. There is no gurantee that ur marriage will last. There is no guarantee that ur relationship will last. Your spouse might die, he might up and leave. Life is unpredictable.
After my first bf I realized I never wanted to get married. It was just something I did not want to do. And I have avoided marriage like the plague.
However I knew I always wanted to be a mother.
Then I met my ex and thought hey I could actually have a family with this guy. We could have our 3 kids. Be happy together. Yeah that worked out well. Blew up in my face.
That was the hardest thing letting go of the idea of the family I was going to have. Now its just me and my daughter.
I thought I was putting my career on hold to have a family with a guy. If I hadn't been in the relationship I would have waited till I was solid in my career to have a child. I sometimes struggle with not having my career path 100% determined. But I do make a decent living and I get to be home with my child which I wouldn't trade for anything.
I had already thought about the consequences of being a single parent. I don't think one can fully understand the full implication of what it means to be a single parent until they are one. There were things I didn't realize I would face as a single parent.
I have to say my life is pretty similar to what I thought it was going to be except for certain things. One I never thought I'd have a truck which I'm now a proud owner because that was the vehicle my ex wanted. Second and this was pretty niave on my part-- I didn't realize what a bad wrap single mothers have.
Its been quiet appauling to be labelled a gold-digger and some of the other crap we get called just because we have a child. However, I think I have to take it with a grain of salt. Because in person I don't have people comming up to me and saying what a horrible person I am for having a child out of wedlock. Instead I just get people coming up to me and saying what a lovely child you have. Maybe its cuz I live in Canada.
I wouldn't have been prepared to be a single mother at a younger age. But at 27 I manage. I struggle with being a single mom but I manage. The hardest part for me is not having the complete family and more children but I'm adjusting and am happy with what I do have. | |
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| How Different is Life as a Single Psrent From How you Thought it Would Be?
Posted: 8/8/2009 12:15:48 PM |
Ok, I've never married, but can share my circumstances with my 1st son.
Great, anytime you want to, go right ahead and write a post about it in this thread.
Future, am I a muse for your threads now? Hard to believe that a few short months ago we were at each other's jugulars eh? hehehe
Yes you are my muse. 
I would have to disagree to some extent on the married women gave no thought to what it would be like to be a single parent when they decided to get pregnant thing FS.
These forums are filled with women who ended up divorced because of kids.
I amended my original post to include divorced people, because you are right. Lisakins brought this to my attention, also. See my post above which includes divorced people. | |
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| How Different is Life as a Single Psrent From How you Thought it Would Be?
Posted: 8/8/2009 12:24:19 PM | | Thank-you to everyone who has responded thus far. I think it would be very interesting to get the perspective of current and former teen parents on this subject. I would expect the discrepancy between what most of them envisioned being a single parent would be like, and the reality of it would be larger than an adult in the same situation. The reason I am surmising this is because most teens have less life experience from which to infer what their futures will entail. | |
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| How Different is Life as a Single Psrent From How you Thought it Would Be?
Posted: 8/8/2009 4:34:03 PM | I too would suggest that many people who had planned (more or less) pregnancies within a marriage or committed relationship thought about single parenting before they had the childen because no one has a crystal ball. My attitude was obviously I could become a single parent and would deal with it if it happened but I preferred to try to do the traditional family thing.
I had no illusions about single parenting, saw it close up, and frankly, my expriences as a single parent post split have been good because I was essentially a single parent while I was married; he was out of town at least 1/3 if not more, when home sometimes needed to sleep during the day because of the bizarre schedule, and when he was awake and rested he did little to nothing with or for the kids and often was just a pain in the ass in regard to parenting because he ignored things like bedtimes and other things you try to do to raise your children properly.
For me, it has been easier. He doesn't really do the scheduled visitation but his kids see him more than I thought they would. I occasionally get some help picking up or dropping off and my daughter is a master at getting him in a vehicle and making him run errands, lmao. My only real change is that he isn't here doing the bipolar thing and driving everyone crazy and my income was dramatically reduced.
In my situation, I haven't actively sought out male role models as I probably would have as a single mom from the get go but I have been lucky with the boys' friends, husbands of my friends, with whom they interact and get better messages about what being a good man is about. | |
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| How Different is Life as a Single Psrent From How you Thought it Would Be?
Posted: 8/8/2009 4:45:52 PM |
Thank-you to everyone who has responded thus far. I think it would be very interesting to get the perspective of current and former teen parents on this subject. I would expect the discrepancy between what most of them envisioned being a single parent would be like, and the reality of it would be larger than an adult in the same situation. The reason I am surmising this is because most teens have less life experience from which to infer what their futures will entail.
I agree that in some cases this may be true but then again, I think everyone is in for a good shocker when they become a parent, single or not. We have that Johnson's baby powder commercial in our heads of the serenity, etc. when the reality with sleepless nights, etc. is more like seeing the life of a crack addict.
When I spoke of seeing the single parent thing up close I was in my early 20s, had known several people that had kids by my age, some while in high school. I also had a roommate that had a 5-year-old son when we moved in together. I was probably around 25 at the time. Another friend of mine wound up pregnant about a month after I became pregnant with my 2nd. I was 30, she was I think 20 or 21. Her parents whigged but she had lived with a cousin that had gotten pregnant at like or 18, so she knew what caring for a newborn was like, baby, toddler, because she provided much of the care for her cousin's son when they lived together.
She wound up marrying the father, that was 14 years ago, they are happy with two more kids but she had absolutely no illusions about what being a single mom was like. Again, when you go lower in age, those that don't have a clue I think are young people that have never had to care for younger siblings. My daughter helped enough and saw what caring for an infant requires and that is one of the reasons why she would rather put her eye out than become pregnant before she is able to support and care adequately for a child. Several of her cousins had kids by 17 or 18 and she has no intention of going there because their lives pretty much suck.
Of the teenage pregnancies that she has witnessed, I don't think any of them thought it was going to be like playing house and fun. One girl was a sophomore when she became pregnant. Her mother pretty much disowned her and her boyfriend was totally behind her but only if she promised to finish high school. Her child is around 1 and she is a senior this year and I believe may go on to college. It is hard on her because her boyfriend is great, she loves the baby but she cannot have the same type of life her friends do because she has a responsibility they don't. My daughter is trying to spend some time with this girl specifically because she is fine with baby coming along. But then again, she has been the oldest one helping me and my friends or aunts herding the younger kids just as she watched my stepson do with her and her brothers. | |
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| How Different is Life as a Single Psrent From How you Thought it Would Be?
Posted: 8/8/2009 5:29:54 PM | Being a single parent has be at times harder than I thought it would be and at other times easier. Before I had my daughter the only real experience I had with babies was my best friend little boy who is five months older than my daughter. He was an absolute nightmare as an infant, he had colic and didn't stop screaming for the first 4 or 5 months of his life and was up 4-5 times a night. I was terrified......lol. I kept thinking to myself I don't know if I can do this. I was however blessed with a sweet tempered baby, who rarely cried, slept through the night at about 4 weeks and was a generally happy baby. I honestly thought all babies cried, spit up and were generally fussy alot as infants so in that respect being a single parent has been alot easier than I expected.
What I found to be harder is dealing with my ex and doing what is best for our daughter. I have had to let go of any anger I have had towards him and relugate it to the past. I hate the fact that there are experiences that I am going to miss because she is not with me, I hate the fact that there are things that she is going to do with my ex first that I wanted her to experience with me first. I hate the fact that due to our choices my daughter has to has to grow up with her parents in to seperate households. I could go on....
My point is life rarely turns out the way we expect it to. When it doesn't one can only hope we do what is best for our children.
I don't regret my choice to have my daughter, she is the biggest joy in my life(even if I have to share her with her dad....lol) | |
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| How Different is Life as a Single Psrent From How you Thought it Would Be?
Posted: 8/8/2009 5:33:38 PM | | i thought it was going to be a lot harder then it is. my friend had a 4 yr old when i was preg and i used to watch her and think holly snap that is going to be me .. am i really going to be able to deal with this? but after having my daughter things have more less fallen into place.i thought especially financially it would have been harder because part of me knew her dad wasn't going to be around. so i wasn't so sure how i would pull it off on my own but i always have managed. my family also told me they didn't want anything to do with her the only one who was supportive was my dad. but they all came around by the time she was born so i guess i have more help then expected. part of me though having my daughter would turn her dad around and the abuse would stop and we could work things out. that didn't happened i ended up packing up and moving so he cant find us. i was always pretty self centered and i wasn't totally sure if i could live for someone else but i guess the mother took over in me and i am able to. as a teenager with a baby i really didn't find it hard yes sometimes i wanted to go to the club with my friends but when i seen my baby smile i would realize i wasn't missing much with them. | |
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| How Different is Life as a Single Psrent From How you Thought it Would Be?
Posted: 8/8/2009 5:36:06 PM | | I really wonder about teens, though, especially young teens still in high school. I cannot fathom what goes through their minds when they decide to become unwed teen mothers. I can only guess that what they imagined life would be like as a teen mother and what it turned out to be had to be two vastly different things, because otherwise who would ever choose to have a baby so young? | |
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| How Different is Life as a Single Psrent From How you Thought it Would Be?
Posted: 8/8/2009 5:39:37 PM |
my family also told me they didn't want anything to do with her
Why did they feel this way?
part of me though having my daughter would turn her dad around and the abuse would stop and we could work things out. that didn't happened i ended up packing up and moving so he cant find us.
Looking at the reasons you decided to have a baby, what percentage of the decision was for this reason? Do you mean physical abuse towards you? | |
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| How Different is Life as a Single Psrent From How you Thought it Would Be?
Posted: 8/8/2009 5:48:15 PM | i had my daughter at 19 i really expected a lot of what i got future i didn't think everyday was going to be roses and butterflies. i don't think most teen moms do. my friend who had her first at 16 told me it's not all easy but it will be worth it everyday i was scared shitless i mean i was 18 and going to have a baby to a twit of course i was scared but you take it a day at a time. i remember when my daughter was born and i wouldn't go home to my house cuz i told my mom i dont know what to do with this child. my mom thought me how to take care of her. i wouldnt bath her i fed her most times and went mommmmmmmmm what does she wantttttttt????????? i had no idea financially i have never really been worried i told my dad i was preg i thought he was going to kill me. he told me to keep her and he would always help me. he always has i have never had the stress of welfare or the food bank. if we need something i can call my dad and we will have it. although im stubborn and refuse to call unless its my daughters meds which can run up to 600 a month. i dont know maybe i was just lucky but ive always had my families support and stuff so it was always going to be okay.at first i thought i didnt want it to be a burddan on them but i dont think it is. most days if i dont take my daughter to my mom my mom will come looking for her lol can i babysit??? lol and my dad is just happy i guess we have something in common finally.
yes her dad was very abusive like i was beaten so bad one day my mom didnt know who i was. they hated him and thought he was a monster. a big part of me knew i was going to be raising my daughter alone, but now she has my sisters husband and my moms bf to look up to and though they can never fill the role of her biological father they will always be a better dad then he ever would. | |
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| How Different is Life as a Single Psrent From How you Thought it Would Be?
Posted: 8/8/2009 6:38:44 PM |
i had my daughter at 19 i really expected a lot of what i got future i didn't think everyday was going to be roses and butterflies. i don't think most teen moms do. my friend who had her first at 16 told me it's not all easy but it will be worth it everyday i was scared shitless i mean i was 18 and going to have a baby to a twit of course i was scared but you take it a day at a time. i remember when my daughter was born and i wouldn't go home to my house cuz i told my mom i dont know what to do with this child. my mom thought me how to take care of her. i wouldnt bath her i fed her most times and went mommmmmmmmm what does she wantttttttt????????? i had no idea financially i have never really been worried i told my dad i was preg i thought he was going to kill me. he told me to keep her and he would always help me. he always has i have never had the stress of welfare or the food bank. if we need something i can call my dad and we will have it. although im stubborn and refuse to call unless its my daughters meds which can run up to 600 a month. i dont know maybe i was just lucky but ive always had my families support and stuff so it was always going to be okay.at first i thought i didnt want it to be a burddan on them but i dont think it is. most days if i dont take my daughter to my mom my mom will come looking for her lol can i babysit??? lol and my dad is just happy i guess we have something in common finally.
yes her dad was very abusive like i was beaten so bad one day my mom didnt know who i was. they hated him and thought he was a monster. a big part of me knew i was going to be raising my daughter alone, but now she has my sisters husband and my moms bf to look up to and though they can never fill the role of her biological father they will always be a better dad then he ever would.
So do you live with your parents?
Did you really think having a baby would stop your bf from being violent? Did he want you to have a baby? Thank goodness he isn't around now. | |
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| How Different is Life as a Single Psrent From How you Thought it Would Be?
Posted: 8/8/2009 6:53:07 PM | no i have my own apartment i had bought a trailer but i sold that because i was in a car accident and couldn't deal with the upkeep.i staied with my mom for about 3 months after my daughter was born (due to her fauther and everything else going on) but ever sinc then i have been on my own.
i did and i didn't i thought he may stop deep down i knew he wouldn't. first i had wanted an abortion he told me if i did he would sue me for "killing his child". then when i was about 5 months preg he told me i should have had an abortion and that my daughter wasn't his child and he knew this. then for the next 4 months it was his someday s unless money or things like that got into the picture, then it was not his child i had asked him to buy the crib since my family and i had bought everything else for her. he threw a fit and bought a motorcycle because clearly that was a necessity. I really started expecting to be a single parent when i was about 4 months preg.
i am now always happy he made me feel like i had to have she is a great person and there's a lot of days she is the only thing keeping me together. | |
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| How Different is Life as a Single Psrent From How you Thought it Would Be?
Posted: 8/8/2009 6:55:31 PM |
no i have my own apartment i had bought a trailer but i sold that because i was in a car accident and couldn't deal with the upkeep.i staied with my mom for about 3 months after my daughter was born (due to her fauther and everything else going on) but ever sinc then i have been on my own.
i did and i didn't i thought he may stop deep down i knew he wouldn't. first i had wanted an abortion he told me if i did he would sue me for "killing his child". then when i was about 5 months preg he told me i should have had an abortion and that my daughter wasn't his child and he knew this. then for the next 4 months it was his someday s unless money or things like that got into the picture, then it was not his child i had asked him to buy the crib since my family and i had bought everything else for her. he threw a fit and bought a motorcycle because clearly that was a necessity. I really started expecting to be a single parent when i was about 4 months preg.
i am now always happy he made me feel like i had to have she is a great person and there's a lot of days she is the only thing keeping me together.
Have you recovered totally from your car accident? I lived through a nasty car accident many years ago. | |
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| How Different is Life as a Single Psrent From How you Thought it Would Be?
Posted: 8/8/2009 8:51:54 PM | The reality is so much better then I thought it would be.
Shock, you may want to look at this, the difference between adult brain and teenage brain.
http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/bb/neuro/neuro04/web1/epowell.html
Also, from so many of your posts it seems that you just can't understand why people have children without being married. I seem to remember that you had a good relationship with your dad. Not all of us had that. And please don't ask me what this has to do with not wanting to get married or with choosing unsuitable partners. I've seen many marriages that I do not care to replicate. (That's putting it mildly.)
And thank you Shock, for letting me practice patience, ... 
i hope you enjoy this heavily edited response | |
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| How Different is Life as a Single Psrent From How you Thought it Would Be?
Posted: 8/8/2009 9:42:09 PM | Married or not, no difference. I have been a single parent from the moment I had my first to the last. A parent doesn't call watching their children babysitting. That is what my ex said if I ever did anything and didn't bring the kids with me. Again with or without my ex, no difference.
As far as what it was like prechildren vs. post is that I had to arrange for someone to watch them if I went out. My kids are older, so don't have any concerns with that now. I usually don't do or haven't done anything I can't take my children with me to do. | |
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| How Different is Life as a Single Psrent From How you Thought it Would Be?
Posted: 8/9/2009 4:45:29 PM | The reality is so much better then I thought it would be.
Shock, you may want to look at this, the difference between adult brain and teenage brain.
http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/bb/neuro/neuro04/web1/epowell.html
Also, from so many of your posts it seems that you just can't understand why people have children without being married.
You're right. I am trying to understand the REAL reasons for out of wedlock childbearing, especially among young women and teens.
I seem to remember that you had a good relationship with your dad. Not all of us had that. And please don't ask me what this has to do with not wanting to get married or with choosing unsuitable partners. I've seen many marriages that I do not care to replicate. (That's putting it mildly.)
I absolutely agree with you that having a good relationship with their father is important for girls. A good bond definitely reduces the chance of unwed teen pregnancy.
And thank you Shock, for letting me practice patience, ...
i hope you enjoy this heavily edited response
lol! I loved it, thanks.
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