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| Do we really know what we are asking for,,,when we ask?????
Posted: 8/9/2009 8:58:07 AM | This has been in the back of my brain for a long time,,,and not just relating to this dating pond thingy. We all think we have preferences, or certain characteristics that we are looking for in a potential partner, but do we really understand what comes along with these preferences or characteristics??? Do we understand that when you ask for something, and get it in a person,,,,,it usually pertains to his/her whole life,,,not just his/her romantic life???? Do you think it this type of misunderstanding is one of our problems here????? I'll throw a few examples out there that I have had to deal with concerning different partners,feel free to do the same. I know there are tons of examples.
Passionate,,,,comes with intensity, and usually in "all" aspects of my life,,,sorry.
Hardworking,,,more than likely his job needs some of his extra time,,,,cause, well,,,he's "hardworking",,,again,,,sorry.
Not afraid to show his emotions,,,,,,there are more emotions out there other than caring,loving,romantic. Like mad,sad,glad,,,,sorry.
Active,,,,people that I know that are active are usually "doing" things. When they are "doing" they are not sitting,waiting,watching & waiting for,,,something. And ummmm,,,,"doing" takes time.
Intelligent,,,,I've been accused of being intelligent at times. In the same breath I've also been accused of "thinking too much". Hmmmmm,,,,thinking AND intelligence together???? Who would of thunked it????!!!!!
Oh,,,,I'm not really "sorry" at all.  | |
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| Do we really know what we are asking for,,,when we ask?????
Posted: 8/9/2009 9:03:32 AM | I think you are asking for a hug. I would give you a nice big bum-out manly man hug Walts, but you might "over-think" it.
I am not really sure what you are asking in this thread though. What are you getting at?
How can we expect anything from anyone unknown to us. We learn what is acceptable as we progress through our interaction, and ultimately we may label the other person or "thing" as something that was of interest initially, but no longer.
Life is a journey of discovery, Relationships are too... When you feel you know enough about something, that is usually when your interest wanes and you shelve the "object of interest".
Not sure if this answers anything as I don't even know what the question is. | |
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| Do we really know what we are asking for,,,when we ask?????
Posted: 8/9/2009 9:20:04 AM | Okies,,,agree with ya Faque,,,it is a tad jumpy,confusing.
Simply stated,,,do we know that when asking for certain characteristic in a person,,,that these characteristics/qualities usually pertain to the person's WHOLE life,,,and not just the romantic side of it????? With that,,,,these characterists/qualities also include "things" that are not always looked as "good",,,but they are still part of the package.
Oh,,,be careful offering those hugs Fa que,, I've been thinking of switching teams for awhile now, just maybe the reason I needed. :O | |
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| Do we really know what we are asking for,,,when we ask?????
Posted: 8/9/2009 9:47:37 AM | Great topic OP!
You are right on that most people don't get how these traits express themselves in all aspects of a person's life.
Many of my relationships with Canadian men went sour for that same reason. My "passion" gets ignited easily when expressing myself about something that is important to me.
It does not mean I get rude or disrespectful, or call anyone names, just emphatic and expressive! But boy, does it get uncomfortable for those who do not understand this!
In thinking about it some more...there could be situations where these "qualities/traits" need to be managed better.
For instance, one of my qualities is "spontaneity". While working as an airline pilot or a surgeon that is not the type of attribute I would want to display, right?
I have learned that, even though I am a laid back Latina, and tend not to be on time for things, that it is important to be punctual...and I am! When necessary.
So what do I want?
I want a passionate man who won't call me names when in a disagreement.
A spontaneous man who can be on time.
A serious clown.
A clean gardener.
A faithful Latin? 
Not in this lifetime....hahaha
MN | |
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| Do we really know what we are asking for,,,when we ask?????
Posted: 8/9/2009 11:04:40 AM |
Simply stated,,,do we know that when asking for certain characteristic in a person,,,that these characteristics/qualities usually pertain to the person's WHOLE life,,,and not just the romantic side of it?????
And that Walts is why I don't ask for specific personality characteristics or qualities regarding males in my profile. I detest the term "he must be". I would sooner meet the man, get to know him if fortune allows it, and from that, form my opinion if he is truly the man for me and vise versa.
Oh,,,be careful offering those hugs Fa que,, I've been thinking of switching teams for awhile now, just maybe the reason I needed. :O
Ok, this I GoTTa see!!!  <~~~Walts <~~~ Fa que | |
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| Do we really know what we are asking for,,,when we ask?????
Posted: 8/9/2009 11:28:00 AM | Walts
I think I know what you mean. When someone has a quality it may turn out to be a predominant quality, sometimes so strong that it displaces other desirable qualities, and you wish there were more balance and moderation.
For examples;
An intellectual, deep thinker, might spend so much time thinking about things they keep their thoughts to themselves, don't engage in conversation at a level you'd like.
A passionate person may prove too volatile for you.
A person who is health and fitness oriented is fanatical about it. All foods are carefully weighed and measured for meal preparation. Their exercise regime is strictly adhered and interferes how you might like to enjoy food or recreate as a couple.
Is that what you are talking about? | |
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| Do we really know what we are asking for,,,when we ask?????
Posted: 8/9/2009 11:29:34 AM | punctual
pro: respectful of my time
con: unforgiving of unexpected delays
funny
pro: makes me laugh
con: some situations just don't call for 'funny'
capable, competent
pro: confidence is attractive
con: arrogance is not
dresses well
pro: looks good
con: hogs up my bathroom and takes FORever to get moving
con: spends stupid amount of time shopping/stressing over clothes
I guess every personality trait is a spectrum and moderation is (still) key. | |
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| Do we really know what we are asking for,,,when we ask?????
Posted: 8/9/2009 11:47:41 AM |
Walts
I think I know what you mean..........and you wish there were more balance and moderation.
-- BE
No BE, I think he says he wants to keep his own qualities intact...no moderation 
I think he wants to be understood and cherished as a "passionate, hardworking, emotional, active, intelligent, thinking" man.
MN | |
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| Do we really know what we are asking for,,,when we ask?????
Posted: 8/9/2009 12:32:35 PM | "A spontaneous man who can be on time." A man like this would be a man after my heart. Let's see, passion is a good thing, I am not a "I don't know or I don't care "kind of woman. Opinions are a good thing as long as you can respect a different one.
I think there are the responsibility ones as well, whether or not someone is a good and loving parent, is a spender or a saver, is willing to share household duties, etc. I am hardworking and do not like laziness or apathy. I would be very turned off by it. Emotional can be a good thing if it does not drain your partner's energy, rather it nutures them.
I think that maybe our preferences are about how someone can fit into our lifestyle if we have the one we want at this time or if they have the lifestyle we aspire to. There are many levels of compatibility, many, and you cannot know them all without some time invested in one another. | |
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| Do we really know what we are asking for,,,when we ask?????
Posted: 8/9/2009 2:10:45 PM | Remember the old saying, " You Get What You Pay For "? In our case here in the "Pond" it`s You get what you ask/fish for! So, Give it some thought before you enter your wants into your profile, be specific even if it looks like you are a picky person. I have my requirements clearly listed and am not concerned if to some they look like demands. I am being honest and clear. Why put a jack fish lure on your line when you are after walleye or vice versa. I am looking for a non smoker and I will be happy with someone who NEVER smokes and gives me heck for smoking a cigar maybe once a year. That is what I asked for. I ask for an honest person and will not be upset if she tells me I need deodorant. I asked for honesty did I not? I enjoy R.Ving so I have asked that ladies who enjoy R.V ing contact me. I will not be upset if she wants to decorate my R.V. buy an accessory or plan the next trip. That is what I asked for. Simple, make a plan, stick to it and be satisfied with it.
Hey amethyst I am 45 minutes early for everything and may suggest a road trip to the Oregon Coast while in line at the supermarket so hand over your heart! | |
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| Do we really know what we are asking for,,,when we ask?????
Posted: 8/9/2009 2:38:04 PM | | Without disrespect to the OP or the posters... we are all still single and presumably would prefer to have a partner! How do we know anything about this whole finding a partnership that works for us dilemma? I don't think any of us have any authority or credibility on the matter. Now should anyone who has successfully remained in love for better or for worse for years and years and years wish to chime in on this - then we should listen up. | |
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| Do we really know what we are asking for,,,when we ask?????
Posted: 8/9/2009 2:46:41 PM | My thoughts are this:
You can make a "list of demands" and "ask for what you want" on this site and your profile until you are blue in the face.
In reality, what counts, is when a man and woman get off their computers and actually meet. If they find that the the chemistry and attraction for each other is there, then they can discuss their lists, likes / dislikes, wants, needs, desires, and passions (what ever you want to call it ).
What good is a list if your not attracted to the person sitting in front of you when you finally meet for that "coffee date"?
I have had "dates" that have lasted 5 min (no attraction by either one of us) and wonderful dates where we enjoyed the evening and talked and laughed all night, because the attraction was there.... 
*Edit*
OH, another key word, Compromise. With that one word, I believe a man and a woman can overcome almost any obstacle that is thrown in front of them.... | |
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| Do we really know what we are asking for,,,when we ask?????
Posted: 8/9/2009 3:16:16 PM | Well most of us know the old saying (probably Greek), "Watch out you might get what you wish for."
This is a good topic, OP.
There are many double-edged swords in life and in your OP, you have identified some.
I suppose we have to take the good with the bad. However, people who are too much of anything are sometimes balanced. It is okay to be hard-working, active, sensitive and so on, if you can keep things balanced.
Sweet Jane | |
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| Do we really know what we are asking for,,,when we ask?????
Posted: 8/9/2009 7:28:07 PM |
Sane! Is that safe? I want a woman who is SANE. It's not much to ask is it?
hmmmmmmmm ---- it sounds like things are not going well here for you. I wonder if there is a down side to sane. I only almost sane so I am the wrong person to ask.
Sweet Jane | |
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| Do we really know what we are asking for,,,when we ask?????
Posted: 8/9/2009 9:17:49 PM | rocinante...I like the way you said that every personality is a spectrum.
The idea that each aspect of any given 'strength' having a *balancing* focus in the negative, as you illustrated (quite well in my opinion) seems to be where we find ourselves in a quandry. Indeed, the very qualities we ask for in a partner may lean a little too far left or right of balance, and truly be the 'deal-breaker' we didn't expect. To me the aspect of 'knowing what we are asking for' means communicating OUR ideal.
Discovering it's NOT our ideal necessitates communicating with an objective observation(and *owning your own feelings*) when we encounter that 'imbalance' .
This means we just MAY indeed get exactly what we want.
Not to CHANGE anyone(heaven forbid!!!), just to find that 'balance' in each other(give/take)
Having said that, I'm still a work in progress, as are we all...and I have an elephant poster above the computer...it's balancing on a beach ball...at the beach, and the caption below says"the key to life is balance"...hope we're all capable of this little gem!
happy  | |
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| Do we really know what we are asking for,,,when we ask?????
Posted: 8/9/2009 10:03:20 PM | Some people would say that none of this really matters anyway. They would argue that the people we are going to be attracted to are the ones who are going to remind us most of the parent we had the most difficulty growing up with as a child. If you had difficulty with your mother as a child, you will seek someone out with a similar personality and recreate the drama. If it was your father, the same thing. You are trying to heal the "old" wound and make peace with the past.
Surely, you must have noticed that people seem to be attracted to the same types over and over again.
Somehow, people need to break the cycle.
Sometimes, people are asking for someone who is like mom or dad and do not know it. They are not asking for mom or dad because they need a parent but they have unfinished business.
You might not be dealing with unfinished business, but some people would say that your partner is attracted to you because you remind him or her of . . .
I actually think the cycle is real. How many children of alcoholics end up marrying alcoholics? I think people are attracted to what they know - good or bad. | |
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| Do we really know what we are asking for,,,when we ask?????
Posted: 8/10/2009 12:21:05 AM |
okay... if we are asking I'd like a man that hates beer, and all televised sports!
<<<<< he does,.... K, beer with lime is OK
I don't think any of us have any authority or credibility on the matter. Now should anyone who has successfully remained in love for better or for worse for years and years and years wish to chime in on this - then we should listen up.
Fair statement but not all who are single here wanted to be....and sometimes one must accept and respect what life presents ....
I can only relate the words of my godmother here, widowed after 76 years of marriage.
" As a young girl I asked to fall in love and be loved by a man,
he found me;
As a woman I asked to be a woman proud of her man and her man proud of his woman;
As a mother I asked for a man to provide and protect and he did, I supported my man;
As a more mature mother I asked for wisdom and understanding from my spouse,
he was and asked nothing in return knowing all is reciprocal;
As a grandmother I asked no more, for we both had learned that love is special and forever changing and we must change with it.
As a widow I understand to have loved one man I may have missed many an excitement, but the excitement of loving one a whole lifetime through all the changes was deeper than many different lovers could have been.
The secret I see now is when we find love to be content, humble what we have and love unconditionally." | |
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| Do we really know what we are asking for,,,when we ask?????
Posted: 8/10/2009 1:11:53 AM | The type of man I would like to have, are kind, caring, honest, will listen and knows how to communicate. I had learned along time ago, that being with a man, that won't open up, be honest with what he wants, made me question my interest. This is how we all learn, from our past mistakes, being in a relationship that wasn't right and taking what might be good to a positive direction. If our ideal relationship is having someone like your mom or dad, its something in their character you can relate too. I think its better not to date a parent figure and find what works for you, to ask yourself, is this what I want or even take yourself out of your comfort zone. If we challenge ourselves to look beyond our comfort, we can be open to various qualities. It could be a gentle spirit, someone who can challenge us, laugh or cry with you, athletic to artist. What we see in a person in looks, is only a surface and what may lay deep inside the soul, heart and core can bring what we might be asking for in a relationship. | |
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| Do we really know what we are asking for,,,when we ask?????
Posted: 8/10/2009 2:59:27 PM | Okay,,,,some of you got it,,,some are a little off.
What I have been trying to point out is that we,,,as adults,,,have been around this world long enough to know or understand certain things. Well, I hope we have anyways. So why is it that some out there don't even know what they are asking for????
Do we understand that when we ask for,,sayyyyy, " a responsible and caring man" that this man,,,if he truely is responsible and caring,,,,,will do things for OTHER people,,,,along with you, if you happen to be lucky enough to meet or partner up with him/her?????? Do you/we understand that YOU will never just be the ONE,,,,,as in, this man/woman will help whomever needs help,,,when they need it????? It's a characteristic that you/me will look fondly upon,,,but will YOU do the same when this "responsibility and caring" is NOT directed towards YOU everytime?????
That's just one example of two little characteristics. I suggest we all take a good look at what we are asking for,,,and with that,,,understand that if you are lucky enough to enter a relationship, and a person has some excellent qualities,,,those qualities do come at a bit of cost to you,,, in forms of actions which you may misinterpet as you being "ignored" or not being "cared for". Think of the days of cop's wives sitting at home worrying for years about her man. She loves the characteristics of the man,,,which made him a great cop,,,,but not so great for a relationship because there was not much understanding on how those characteristics pulled the man into his job and away from the relationship at times.
I'd also suggest to be very,very careful of what you ask for in your headlines here,,or profiles or whatever. If you say you want a man to "sweep you off your feet",,,,,what kind of of man do you think you are going to get???? Anyone???? Anyone?????
Well,,,how about a guy that knows how to swoon and romance a woman for one???? And that kinda guy would be called?????? Again,,,anyone???? Well,,,after ya get him,,,and he "gets" you,,,,don't come whining here,,,K????? Another one that drives me right over the cliff is "honest and open". Are the majority here truely able to handle a really honest and open person????? No,,,,I mean seriously?????
I think what I am trying to point out is that we all should be very careful of what we ask for. You may just get it. Dats all folks! | |
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| Do we really know what we are asking for,,,when we ask?????
Posted: 8/10/2009 3:08:20 PM | I know what I want and that is what I ask for.
I expect it to apply to all aspects of life not just me.
Just like what I offer does.
I am fine with getting what I ask for.
At least I was the rare times I got it! lol
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| Do we really know what we are asking for,,,when we ask?????
Posted: 8/10/2009 4:18:26 PM | I want it ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
.....oops...is that not specific enough? ... damn!
okay... ya... I think I know what I want...what I like...what my basic requirements...needs are...but I am not so dogmatic or idealistic to be holding out for Mr Perfect...because he does not exist.
I think my profile speaks to what I would like.... the fun factor and the companionship...and ya...I want a cuddle! Fairly basic needs here. | |
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