| | People getting a reputation for themselves..Page 1 of 2 (1, 2) | here's a scenario for you...
you socialise with a small group of friends, and gradually one of them starts to get themselves a bit of a bad name over their choice of sexual encounters...mostly people who are innapropriate..ie, married, much younger, etc
you find yourself in a bit of a dilemma, as you're starting to hear little snippets of gossip about your friend, and you're also starting to feel a little bit uncomfortable with the fact that it's likely you're going to get tarred with the same brush, just by association.
you really want to sit down and talk to your friend about what you've heard and about how it's starting to affect the way you interact with people.
what would you do?
would you be straight with them and tell them what you'v heard, knowing that it could be really hurtful and put your friendship at risk?
would you just distance yourself from your friend?
would you say nothing? | |
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| People getting a reputation for themselves..
Posted: 8/11/2009 3:09:27 PM | Id ask them if they were ok and if anything was going on in their life that was affecting them.
As for being tarred with the same brush, if people wanted to judge me because of who my choice of friends were, I'd think they were being a little judgemental and I probably wouldn't care.
People love a good gossip full stop but at the end of the day, it's their life, all you can do is be there to pick up the pieces when things go belly up. | |
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| People getting a reputation for themselves..
Posted: 8/11/2009 3:10:56 PM | Hmm..this kind of thing used to happen when I was younger, but i don't think people do that so much when we're older.
It wouldn't bother me what my friends did in their sex lives as long as they weren't sleeping with married men.
I'd maybe show a bit of disapproval if my friend was showing off about her sexual antics, but I can't imagine falling out with them over it. | |
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| People getting a reputation for themselves..
Posted: 8/11/2009 3:12:43 PM | I wouldn't get tarred with the same brush as I wouldn't be doing inappropriate things,,,,although what is inapprropriate to a single person varies incredibly.
I would probably mention the gossip to my friend, but not expect them to make overnight changes to their social life and choices, merely be aware that someone is gossiping, and I doubt that it would break a friendship, unless you started to preach and dictate what the other person "should" be doing. | |
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sjxx
| | Joined: 4/9/2009
Msg: 6 | |
| People getting a reputation for themselves..
Posted: 8/11/2009 3:15:31 PM | | I would worry in case my friend got hurt,used,pregnant or caught something but other than that I wouldnt pay too much attention to who she was shagging. More concerned with my own sex life. As for other people judging my friends, let them. People always talk about those who are more interesting than they themselves are. | |
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| People getting a reputation for themselves..
Posted: 8/11/2009 3:23:36 PM |
if your listening to gossip and hearsay and believing it , your not worthy of being called a friend
amazing how people read stuff that isn't there.
just because i used the word 'gossip' doesn't mean it isn't true.
the whole point of my concern is that it is true!
as i said, if it were just a case of my friend enjoying a harmless (to her or others) bit of 'how's your father' then i wouldn't take a bit of notice...i'm pretty non judgemental as it goes....but it isn't harmless stuff, and it's made my partner (believe that i must be behaving the same way just because we're friends...
so it's a bit difficult to say nothing, but even more difficult knowing what to say without hurting her feelings. | |
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| People getting a reputation for themselves..
Posted: 8/11/2009 3:23:58 PM |
what would you do?
Think long and hard, sit and listen, sit and watch, make my decision..
would you be straight with them and tell them what you'v heard, knowing that it could be really hurtful and put your friendship at risk?
As long as you just say it as it is, why would it hurt them ?
It's not what you say, but how you say it ...
If they know and trust you as a friend it would not, could not affect your friendship...
would you just distance yourself from your friend?
Never
would you say nothing?
Not my nature, but I would think carefully about what I would say ..... | |
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| People getting a reputation for themselves..
Posted: 8/11/2009 3:26:59 PM |
as i said, if it were just a case of my friend enjoying a harmless (to her or others) bit of 'how's your father' then i wouldn't take a bit of notice...i'm pretty non judgemental as it goes....but it isn't harmless stuff, and it's made my partner (believe that i must be behaving the same way just because we're friends...
Well perhaps your partner needs to take a look at how much he trusts you, just because you have a friend who may be sleeping with more than one person certainly doesn't mean you are also.
I've had friends in the past who had more than one partner at a time and I didn't particularly approve, however, they knew my views, it was their life and it didn't affect the fact that we were friends, people who knew me well knew that what she did had nothing to do with me.
Would it affect you quite so much if your partner didn't have this belief? | |
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| People getting a reputation for themselves..
Posted: 8/11/2009 3:27:59 PM | The sign of a good friendship is when you can be totally honest with the other person, without them being offended because they know you have their best interests at heart.
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| People getting a reputation for themselves..
Posted: 8/11/2009 3:34:27 PM | Sounds more like schoolyard gang applying peer pressure to ensure conformity than a group of adults!
Your friend is living life by his/her standards, and commiting no crimes.
So it's not your friend that's the problem. It's the group that gossip and make judgements about them whose actions are more questionable in my opinion. | |
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| People getting a reputation for themselves..
Posted: 8/11/2009 3:41:43 PM | | i would want to sit the friend down and say people are talking but then they might ask "who" and it gets into the who said she said whats said scenario so its tricky i think i would say i personally think her choices have been dodgy and im speaking as her mate rather than saying "everyone says this etc". | |
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| People getting a reputation for themselves..
Posted: 8/11/2009 3:42:47 PM | Well as my friends are my friends because i love them, they love me and we adore each other, i wouldnt give a flyin fook what other people have to say about them.
Thats all i have to say on that matter.
B0llocks to what other people think. | |
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| People getting a reputation for themselves..
Posted: 8/11/2009 3:47:30 PM | A real friend would bring the subject up and be straight - distancing yourself would be more hurtful thann voicing the truth.
I am sure there is a reason for the person behaving the way they do, especially if it is out of the 'norm'. Something has upset or effected them and they need the support of their real friends, not to be shunned.
Hopefully it is a short-term situation they are in and they will return to being more sensible and selective about the choices they make. | |
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| People getting a reputation for themselves..
Posted: 8/11/2009 3:56:29 PM |
as i said, if it were just a case of my friend enjoying a harmless (to her or others) bit of 'how's your father' then i wouldn't take a bit of notice...i'm pretty non judgemental as it goes....but it isn't harmless stuff, and it's made my partner (believe that i must be behaving the same way just because we're friends...
So the sub text here is that your friend is a serious slapper and your partner thinks you could be too by association with her?
I like a drink but by associating with me a teetotal friend will not become an alcoholic. I think your 'partner' has issues that you and he need to address. One called trust springs to mind  | |
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| People getting a reputation for themselves..
Posted: 8/11/2009 4:11:15 PM | This reminds of when I first became single and my friend who has an Italian husband who we used to meet up when we were both couples became quite controlling over his wife's behaviour when she went out with me, as though I was going to lead her astray.....as if! He used to insist on picking her up from wherever we were at a certain time and taking her home. To be honest, I think he was judging me by his own behaviour which I found questionable in some ways, the fact that he often went away on holidays by himself and his friends.
I have a friend who does massage from home and gets lots of customers knocking on her door. She tells me the neighbours gossip about her all the time. Does she care? She couldn't give a fook and neither could I. Live and let live, though if you are concerned about your friend's behaviour by all means talk to her....but not because your partner or anyone else is bothered by her behaviour.; | |
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| People getting a reputation for themselves..
Posted: 8/11/2009 4:15:32 PM | I think if you enjoy doing what you do then you should just remain true to yourself and don't go worrying about the opinions of people that don't really matter.
ps...where do you drink ? | |
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| People getting a reputation for themselves..
Posted: 8/11/2009 4:18:24 PM | | If your really good friends you should be able to tell her what your thinking no matter what, the way you say it matters of course, cant go at it like a bull in a china shop but if its honest and done with the best intentions then it can only be right for her. | |
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| People getting a reputation for themselves..
Posted: 8/11/2009 4:24:18 PM |
you find yourself in a bit of a dilemma, as you're starting to hear little snippets of gossip about your friend, and you're also starting to feel a little bit uncomfortable with the fact that it's likely you're going to get tarred with the same brush, just by association.
And how does that happen?
A friend is sleeping around, so all of their friends are sleeping around because they hang round with that person?
would you be straight with them and tell them what you'v heard, knowing that it could be really hurtful and put your friendship at risk?
If that is the case, then they weren't your friend in the first place. | |
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| People getting a reputation for themselves..
Posted: 8/11/2009 4:31:05 PM | This is what i'd do....
First of all i'd congratulate them on getting plenty of action, after all, sex is good. Then i'd say something like this.
Seeing as you've recently become the local bike, i seem to have been placed into somewhat of a quandry. The thing is, because you have fully deserved and earned a reputation as someone who will drop her cacks at the first hint of testosterone in the air, the danger of me being accused of having a mattress strapped to my back as well, is being proven by my husband airing his concerns about my fidelity to him should we be going out for the evening.
I like you, i really dig the fact that your sexual morals have slipped to around the level of a rabbit, but it really is having an adverse effect on my own life.
So maybe you try and be a bit more discreet? Or even go as far as to not shag anything that has a pulse?
The key is..........Be delicate, the last thing you want is to hurt her feelings. | |
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| People getting a reputation for themselves..
Posted: 8/11/2009 4:58:28 PM |
you socialise with a small group of friends, and gradually one of them starts to get themselves a bit of a bad name over their choice of sexual encounters...mostly people who are innapropriate..ie, married, much younger, etc
If you socialize with a small group of friends at one time or another one (or more) will date people who are innappropriate. Sometimes it will be a passing phaze, other times the friend is just like that. And really who Am I to judge, if it bothers you a lot then don't be friends with them. (eg. I would dump a friend for sleeping with my bf, but if its someone else's bf, oh well. I wont agree with the choice but I don't punish, blame or worry about it too much.
you find yourself in a bit of a dilemma, as you're starting to hear little snippets of gossip about your friend, and you're also starting to feel a little bit uncomfortable with the fact that it's likely you're going to get tarred with the same brush, just by association.
Why would you get tarred by the same brush just for hanging out with the person?
I know lots of people who hang out with eachother and have completely different types of sex lives. Just like I bet you and all your friends have different types of jobs, or watch different tv programs, have different hobbies, different hair styles, different families, different goals in life.... but still have enough other things in common to be great friends.
you really want to sit down and talk to your friend about what you've heard and about how it's starting to affect the way you interact with people.
Interact with People or Person? How does it affect they way you interact? The gossip?
Do you want to talk to the friend because you wanna see if you can help? (sometimes people have strange sexual encounters because of a break-up, or some other major stress factor.)
Or do you want to change her? ( asking because empathy would prolly be the better way to go.)
what would you do?
would you be straight with them and tell them what you'v heard, knowing that it could be really hurtful and put your friendship at risk?
I wouldn't put my friendship at risk over something like this. I would wanna know she is ok tho.
would you just distance yourself from your friend?
No. never. Give me more information to say why...
would you say nothing?
Most likely would. But it depends. Does your friend need help or your support or just needs to talk? But only you know your friend well enough.
as i said, if it were just a case of my friend enjoying a harmless (to her or others) bit of 'how's your father' then i wouldn't take a bit of notice...i'm pretty non judgemental as it goes....but it isn't harmless stuff, and it's made my partner (believe that i must be behaving the same way just because we're friends...
Why does your partner believe you must be behaving the same way just by hanging out with friend?
What do you do to make people believe you do the same things? You must be doing something... right?
I have heard of partners saying things like:
"oh your putting on make-up to go to the store so you must be fvking someone"
or
" wow, your home 10 minutes later than usual must be fvking someone"
or
"oh, your out with *** she as $L@T you must be fvking someone"
These are examples of partners who are very very bad and will never treat you with respect. So think about if your partner has some bad intentions.
Is your partner the one that put you up to this thinking? | |
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| People getting a reputation for themselves..
Posted: 8/11/2009 6:16:05 PM | Leannie,
Who your friend sleeps with is up to her, If people are tarring you with the same brush then it's because they don't respect you enough, that is your fault not theirs. You are probably not assertive enough in your group and people are unclear of where your morals lie or they simply don't care and see you as a pushover to gossip about.
This is what you should do:
Undergo a character change. Learn to be more assertive with your own values, you should expect respect at all times as a valued member of your social group. If someone gossips you have to make an example of them, even if that means loosing them as a friend, you'll instantly get more respect from others if they know you mean business.
The thing I've learnt about socialising and friendships is there is always a pecking order, those lower down in the pecking order take the flak, gossiping is flak. Look, you don't get respect by trying to please other people, you get respect by being confident and assertive.
I hope this helps. | |
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| People getting a reputation for themselves..
Posted: 8/11/2009 6:44:39 PM | | I think you should may be curtail your activity for awhile until your friends stop gossiping about you. It's not nice being labelled a slag and i know of a few friends of friends who ended up with that label and now men just treat them like a bed for the night. I haven't though because you just don't know what you can catch from women like that. Lice and stuff. | |
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| People getting a reputation for themselves..
Posted: 8/11/2009 7:38:58 PM | A mucktub is a mucktub and you will end uptarred with the same brush and guilty by association....
If she is putting it about and letting owt with a pulse nail her then she will eventually drag those around her into her seedy little world.
As ive said before in other threads we all know someone who is lax with both morals an standards and has been mentioned in this thread once a gal gets a tag as being a slag,trollop or what ever local term is used then its almost impossible to regain any standing with those around her.
Best thing is let 'li lo Lil' get on with it and keep yaself at a discreet distance..nobody wants to be known to be mates with a walking sperm bank with all the morals of a brass nail. | |
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