| would you cut a single parent slack for having a messy house?
Posted: 8/12/2009 6:07:47 PM | i just got out of a 2 year relationship with a single father who has primary custody of two daughters. the very first time i met him, i walked in to the sloppiest house EVER, and this continued throughout our relationship. although my home is tiny, i believe that keeping it tidy and neat for guests shows respect for others. his excuse was that he was always too busy working to clean, yet he makes gobs of money, so could have easily hired a cleaning person (several times he suggested that I should be cleaning the house, despite the fact that we really only spent week-ends together. Bear in mind that I, too, work full time, raise my daughter solo, and maintain some decent cleanliness standards). I told him repeatedly how much the perpetual mess offended me, such that his lack of desire to acknowledge the issue became one of many real turn offs for me. I also believe that he is setting a lousy example for his two, young girls, ages 7 and 11.
am i shallow??? what are other thoughts on this? The other part of the equation is that he is an alcoholic, and i believe that the booze de-motivated him to do anything other than drink and sustain employment. | |
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| would you cut a single parent slack for having a messy house?
Posted: 8/12/2009 6:12:05 PM | | OP, you are entitled to your opinions and "cleanliness" is nothing more than priority regardless of the number of children and the size of your house. Some people place it as a higher priority than others. I was in a relationship very similar where I was the messy guy and my significant other wanted me to place "cleanliness" higher as a priority. I was not about that, chalked it up to having different values, and we went our separate ways (it wasn't the only factor, just one of many). | |
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| would you cut a single parent slack for having a messy house?
Posted: 8/12/2009 6:40:44 PM | Sounds like there was a lot more than a messy house going on so it's just as well you've moved on. My house is cleaner than some, but definitely more "lived-in" than some. I would disagree with one thing you said though:
although my home is tiny, i believe that keeping it tidy and neat for guests shows respect for others.
I think it's more important to keep on top of things for yourself and your family, not for guests, and that slovenliness (or overemphasis on appearances) can be an indication of self-respect more than respect for others. | |
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| would you cut a single parent slack for having a messy house?
Posted: 8/12/2009 6:53:36 PM | I'd say the bigger issue should be his problem with alcohol, but since that's not what you're asking about I won't say anymore about it.
I think some people are just more tidy than others. Cleanliness is something that is very important to me and I just recently stopped dating someone due to this very issue. Now, being a little messy or letting the dusting go a little extra time is one thing but disgustingly dirty is another! If it looks like you haven't cleaned your bathroom in months, I'm gone! I know myself well enough that I could never live with anyone who doesn't value a decently clean home so I don't see the point in going on. It's a common courtesy to clean up before you have someone over and, in my opinion, it is most definitely a lousy example for the guy's kids. And 'not having time' is not a good reason...it's a lame excuse! | |
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| would you cut a single parent slack for having a messy house?
Posted: 8/12/2009 6:55:07 PM | Well it really depends on your definition of "messy"
There is messy, dirty, and donwnright nasty, IMHO.
Almost everyone lets things get put out of place from time to time, and they might not always have time to put it back right away. That's fine but personally it would bug me if something was out of place too long, like for instance if someone left their shoes in the middle of the floor for a few hours I'd be annoyed.
If someone is dirty and say just leaves messes on the counter or has dust/dirt everywhere and they never ever clean it up, that is not acceptable to me. I'd probably help them clean the house and expect them to maintain their own home being clean after that.
If someone was downright nasty to the point where they had bugs in their house, that would make me hightail it outta there real quick....
About 2 years ago I actually dated someone who lived at home..Ok with me because at the time I was only 22 and he was 19 so since he was younger I was OK with him living at home although I personally had my own place at that age. Anyways he took me back to his mom's house and that was the last time he ever seen me. The house was a filthy mess, and the c*ckroaches were so bad they weren't shy about coming out in the daytime..they were everywhere. I shudder just thinking about it. I don't know how people can just live with bugs like that. | |
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| would you cut a single parent slack for having a messy house?
Posted: 8/12/2009 6:56:42 PM | I used to pride myself on keeping an emaculate home, til I ended up in hospital, broken back and lots of time for thoughts...it hit me hard laying there-did I want to be remembered as a good housekeeper, or a good friend? or a good Mom?
My home is always clean, but it is not always tidy. There is a difference. If his home was actually dirty all the time, Id not go back-would not have gone back repeatedly for two years, thats for sure. If it was just untidy, I wouldnt care. | |
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| would you cut a single parent slack for having a messy house?
Posted: 8/12/2009 6:59:33 PM | | It's up to him if he wants to have a messy house. It's not your house. It wouldn't bother me in the least. The only think I would have found offensive was when he insinuated that you should be cleaning it. He might have meant it in another way, that if it bothered you so much, feel free to clean it. | |
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| would you cut a single parent slack for having a messy house?
Posted: 8/12/2009 7:42:31 PM | let me clarify:
totally messy...first time i met him, kids bathroom was PILED high with clothes all over the floor. i thought it was a strategy that they would eventually get to the point that they could no longer make it to the tub/shower without picking them up (and that may have been sorta brilliant in my book). but, it was not a strategy. it was a daily reality. dishes piled high...clothing all over his floor, very dirty toilet and shower, beer bottles everywhere (how hard is it to just throw them in the recycling bin?). i remember a neighbor of his coming over to return something and walking straight back to the garage (ex b.f was not at home) and i found myself utterly embarrassed for ex b.f.
i simply cannot imagine a woman that would tolerate this long term (except that i foolishly did)...r short term, for that matter. and i also agree that some degree of cleanliness shows self-respect, not to mention respect for the space your children must inhabit, as well...
Ultimately, no number of trinkets from tiffany's or massive boquets of roses could allow me to see my future in cleaning that mess! | |
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| would you cut a single parent slack for having a messy house?
Posted: 8/12/2009 7:46:04 PM | | It has to do with self respect, a sense of orderly conduct, hygiene and a whole bunch of other considerations for which it is a descriptor. It's a deal breaker for me, though I'll happily pat you on the back and support your freedom to live your life as you choose...as I walk out the door. | |
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| would you cut a single parent slack for having a messy house?
Posted: 8/12/2009 8:30:04 PM |
totally messy...first time i met him, kids bathroom was PILED high with clothes all over the floor. i thought it was a strategy that they would eventually get to the point that they could no longer make it to the tub/shower without picking them up (and that may have been sorta brilliant in my book). but, it was not a strategy. it was a daily reality. dishes piled high...clothing all over his floor, very dirty toilet and shower, beer bottles everywhere (how hard is it to just throw them in the recycling bin?).
thanks for the clarification. my house tends to be cluttered, but is never that messy. my daughters run like a tornado through the house and I get to it when I get to it, but I try to make sure the laundry is done; the kitchen is clean; and the living room is straightened up (for those busy bodies that peak through windows). | |
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| Suprising what'll you'll find!!!
Posted: 8/13/2009 2:03:01 AM | | My friends and guests come to see me, not my house. Animals live in shit, then why can't we? Nature does not use bleach or sprays. Anyone who thinks everything should be spotlessly clean and bacteria free needs to take a walk through the nature park and watch the animals and flies eating each others poop. You'll probably reply by saying 'because we're human', we are no different to any other species on this planet. Throw away your cleaning clothes and run free dirty and happy. you'll be surprised what you'll find under tons of weeks old used takeaway boxes and beer cans. | |
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| Suprising what'll you'll find!!!
Posted: 8/13/2009 12:28:49 PM | | It does turn me off. I completely understand someone's house getting chaotic at times. When I am taking the kids to after school activities 7 days a week my home can get a little neglected, but year round? No excuse for it, cleanliness is a requirement to me. | |
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| Suprising what'll you'll find!!!
Posted: 8/13/2009 9:29:57 PM | It would be a turn off but not neccessarily a deal breaker. He probably suggested you clean the house because you kept bothering him about it. I am not the tidiest person in the world but my home looks pretty clean with a toddler on the loose.
How old are his girls? I was cleaning house and doing dishes at nine years old....for chores... | |
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| Suprising what'll you'll find!!!
Posted: 8/13/2009 10:39:41 PM | | I keep my place picked up, and as clean as it needs to be to be healthy. No its not spotless, no its not free of every speck of dust, but it is apparent that I respect what I have to live in and offer my guests. I have like 5 basic things that I make sure are done every day (dishes picked up, floors picked up, all food put away, countertops are straightened, and bed is presentable - every week laundry/bedding is washed and trash is all emptied), and the rest get done one at a time when the time and need arise. If that isnt good enough, then I dont know what to tell you. | |
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| would you cut a single parent slack for having a messy house?
Posted: 8/13/2009 10:56:16 PM | I would to a certian extent... Im a single mother.. I work full-time, I'm a full-time student and I have an amazing 2 year old.... Life can be stressful and at times toys may not be picked up at then of the night... However, I always make sure the dishes are done...bathroom is clean and laundry is done.... I want to set a good example for my child and I want his memorys to be of a safe, clean, healthy happy environment... : 
THE SCARY thought is maybe he DID tidy up before you came over!!?!??! Also, 7 and 11 year olds can have chores to help dad out around the house... We did growing up.. it teaches one to work & have pride in themselves and their home.
Ya, I dont know if anyone will read this..but its late and Im bored! lol | |
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| would you cut a single parent slack for having a messy house?
Posted: 8/14/2009 12:02:43 AM | Mine generally has toys randomly spread across the house, but they don't stay there!
I reckon as long as there isn't rotting food, piles of paper/spare parts/old porn on the kitchen/dinning room floor or bench, dog sleeping on the bed kids sleeping on the couch, and no clean dishes or toilet paper in the house, then don't worry. (... and yes I've this this place). | |
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| would you cut a single parent slack for having a messy house?
Posted: 8/15/2009 9:54:28 AM | Q: would you cut a single parent slack for having a messy house?
A: Depends on what she looked like naked. That would make lots of difference in how and when slack would or would not be cut. Life leason #1 look good naked. | |
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| would you cut a single parent slack for having a messy house?
Posted: 8/15/2009 10:04:15 AM |
homes are for free expression, not good impressions
Yeah well emo you're so hot you can get away with that. Try another 75lbs and see where you stand with fellers.
Seriously, c'mon, free expression is dumping your bowels in the living room. No lie, I've recently been somewhere just like that and I tell you, it was a deal breaker. I got sick and still am over a week later FFS.
Some people are so disassociative they call rotting food laying around the kitchen "environmentally conscious recycling" and refer to their own obesity as "an athletic appearance." They call a complete failure in any parenting responsibilities "an earthy personality."
The simple fact is crazy is as crazy does and cute only goes so far. Roughly as far as your looks last, ask anyone. It's a concise and rather limited window of opportunity most even fail on that with. | |
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| would you cut a single parent slack for having a messy house?
Posted: 8/15/2009 10:17:42 AM | His girls are old enough to help. I was 10 when I learned how to cook/do laundry. I was young when I automatically started to help out my Dad. I really appreciated what he'd done for me and he appreciated me for life.
I work alot so my house is a little cluttered. I try to get to dusting once a week. My kitchen and bathroom are a MUST. That's where most of the gross little germies are. | |
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