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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 12:24:50 PM | Ok you may not understand my subject but here it goes.
Last year I had a perfect guy. Loved me and my kids, bought me flowers every week, devoted himself to me, when something happened we was there, when I needed someone he was there.
I had a rough year and was no where close to having my feelings sorted out, so we stayed friends and we drifted apart. To be far, he never told me he wanted more, and I am not one to read between the lines. I wont know what anyone wants from me if they dont tell me and he never did, he just assumed I knew.
So I finally realized that I care for him and he was perfect and I wanted to give it a shot. Come to find out he had already moved on.
So forward to today. I still think of him and compare almost every man I meet to him, and no one has even came remotely close to comparing. I know its wrong and I shouldn't compare but when you get the best, its hard to let yourself down grade. He was everything I wanted in a person, and I want that.
Is it wrong for me to want that? Its it wrong for me to expect that? | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 12:29:29 PM | I'm going to post this, it's old, and from craigslist. But i think a lot of it has some truth.
You knew he was after you, you knew he was interested. Friends don't bring you flowers every week, you just weren't interested in him till you played the field and couldn't do better.
I see this question posted with some regularity in the personals section, so I thought I'd take a minute to explain things to the ladies out there that haven't figured it out.
What happened to all the nice guys?
The answer is simple: you did.
See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He'd tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn't feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were ****ing treated you.
At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were "just friends." Besides, he totally wasn't your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn't know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.
Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren't the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you're single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, "What happened to all the nice guys?"
Well, once again, you did.
You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive "just-a-" friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren't really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you're upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he'd have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an ***hole than he ever wanted to be.
Fact is, now, he's probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I'm sorry that it took the complete absence of "nice guys" in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.
So, if you're looking for a nice guy, here's what you do:
1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3.) Take a look at what's right in front of you and grab ahold of it.
I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don't really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.
If you were five years younger.
So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you've ****ed yourself over. You're getting older, after all. It's time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn't want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn't ****ing want you, now.
Sincerely,
A Recovering Nice Guy
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 12:29:53 PM | | Are you SURE he was perfect? Or are you looking back through rose colored glasses. Try to think back why you let it go in the first place. 'To be fair, he never told me he wanted more" - Sounds like he wasn't exactly committed either. Why? Instead of idealizing the good parts, figure out what was wrong and what it should have been - then look for someone to have THAT relationship with. | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 12:35:06 PM | OP, there's the good old phrase "you don't know what you've got until it's gone"...or was it that Chicago song!?
There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting that type of relationship. I think you're still emotionally still hung up on this guy (and kicking yourself in the teeth about it). If it's not possible to resume a relationship with this guy...what WOULD make the situation wrong is for you to dwell on it and not move on...by not having the ability to do so could ruin future potential relationships. And just because a future SO doesn't do things "carbon copy" the way your boyfriend did, doesn't mean you can't have a healthy, enjoyable relationship...
Good luck!
Edit: Didn't realize this guy was just a friend...I agree with some (not all of the previous comments)...how did you NOT know he was interested in you romantically? Perhaps you were looking at him as "good old reliable?". Hmmm..... | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 12:37:50 PM | Oh no it was nothing like that at all. If you only knew what happened last year, I was not playing any field. After getting divorced in 2007, being raped in February 2008, I was not emotionally ready for anything. So please dont thinks its a typical situation. And about the flowers thing, my best friend sends me flowers monthly, and that means nothing of interest except he appreciates me.
Quick to judge think again. | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 12:39:09 PM | | Poor little you. That is what happens when you are with a nice guy. Nice guys will give you all the clues, but many times are afraid to make that extra push, of if they do, they get rejected by someone like you and eventually, you miss out. So you snooze you lose. And learn the lesson. Next time a guy starts buying flowers every week. Hint, hint. It means something. You then need to either approach, or give him a hint that you want him to approach. Obviously you did neither. So this is what you get. | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 12:42:08 PM | | You now know what you want out of a relationship with a guy. Focus on finding a guy who can provide that to you, not by direct comparisons with the other guy. You're not going to find an exact replica. If you find a nice guy who treats you well, in other words, you can't discount him strictly because he doesn't give you flowers every week like the other guy did. I know it's not about the flowers - it's about the nice. | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 12:42:55 PM | I know that I have a tendency to do that - after a relationship ends I'm usually relieved because of all the reasons why I knew it wasn't meant to be, but as several months pass the tendency is to look back with those rose-colored glasses and only remember the good things. Then it takes effort to remind oneself... why it didn't work in the first place. Usually there are reasons why your feelings weren't there. You were going through a rough time, he was there for you in one way but your feelings and thoughts were not on him. Perhaps if he were back you'd remember things you're forgetting. I had a guy that bought cards, flowers, gifts, called and courted also, BUT there were major anger issues from his past and other problems he had that he apparently was overcompensating for, that he didn't want me to know about. I doubt he's as perfect as you're imagining and it's time for you to move on as well and stop comparing others to him.
True Pacific about the interest, and OP, sorry, it IS possible he WAS everything good and perfect for you, and it was just bad timing for you. In that case, so sorry, and he's moved on, and so you need to also, and I'd try my best not to compare others. How well did you really know him and are you maybe imagining all the good things you don't even really know for sure. | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 12:42:55 PM |
Oh no it was nothing like that at all. If you only knew what happened last year, I was not playing any field. After getting divorced in 2007, being raped in February 2008, I was not emotionally ready for anything. So please dont thinks its a typical situation. And about the flowers thing, my best friend sends me flowers monthly, and that means nothing of interest except he appreciates me.
My apologies, I responded without all the information, unfair of me. Sincerely I'm sorry, thats not cool.
And unless your best friend is a straight woman or a gay man, yes it does mean interest, and you KNEW this guy was after you. If you weren't emotionally ready for a relationship, then you weren't. Don't make some excuse about him making his intentions unclear. His intentions were crystal clear with the information you've given. You just weren't ready, and thats more than enough reason. | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 12:49:05 PM | Is it wrong for me to want that?
Nothing wrong with wanting anything.
Its it wrong for me to expect that?
There's a great deal wrong with expecting anything, nuch less everything. First, you aren't entitled to another person's life. Second, you apparently had what you wanted and you threw it away. Before you are going to get someone else to be what you want, you need to be what that person wants. Grow up. Your excuse of having a rough year for treating that guy like crap is pathetic and just indicates you haven't realized just how selfish and self-centered you are.
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 12:53:57 PM | Wanting that type of relationship is fine. Wanting 'him' may not be.
If he is 'serious' with somone else at this time, then move on. Be sure to let a 'future friend' know what you are feeling. DISCUSS things. Not here in a forum, rather face-to-face with that someone special.
IF, on the other hand, he is not serious, then talk to him. Explain to him exactly what you have explained to us.
NO ONE here or anywhere else can 'solve' your situation.
Wish you the best. | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 12:57:10 PM | OP...I'm sorry to hear what happened to you...
But, in my opinion, I think if you look back, this guy gave TONS of red flags that he would be interested in a romantic relationship. On average, when someone is interested in someone, they give off hints, even if he was shy about it (the way he would look into your eyes and listen to you intently, how he was always there for you, how he probably often stopped what he was doing to be with you/do something for you...and I hate to say this and of course there can be exceptions to the rules: I've YET to hear of a man who buys flowers for a woman the way he did for you...but oh heck no he had zero romantic feelings for you!)
I think because of your unfortunate experiences, you realize this guy would totally be there for you...he would be your rock to help you get through things and would have the ability to care for/love you unconditionally...
Again...don't know what you've got until it's gone... | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 1:04:18 PM |
so we stayed friends and we drifted apart.
Life Happen
Come to find out he had already moved on
He has that right
I still think of him and compare almost every man I meet to him
Not good as unless you'v tired ALL the men on Earth you cannot say that. Plus it is unfair for any men you date.
no one has even came remotely close to comparing
And none will ever will because you preset yourself.
Is it wrong for me to want that?
nothing wrong with wanting, but face it; he moved on, and you will never have him back, so time for you to also move on. | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 1:06:19 PM |
And about the flowers thing, my best friend sends me flowers monthly, and that means nothing of interest except he appreciates me.
WRONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!!
A guy,would never, ever, ever, send flowers, the cliched showing of love, to a platonic female friend every single month, if he wasn't interested in something more. I have a LOT of platonic female friends. But the roses go to my romantic interests. My friends may get emails, or texts, or cards (not every month), or possibly a periodic letter.
But flowers? They'd be calling me like "that's sweet Will, but WTF?"
Is Delusion and ACTUAL state a person can visit? | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 1:17:22 PM |
Is it wrong for me to want that?
I don't know what "that" is.
Is it the behavior?
Is it the motives behind the personality behind the behavior?
Can you spot the former but have no clue with the latter?
Its it wrong for me to expect that?
Yes. IMO expectations are wrong without some sort of contract.
I know its wrong and I shouldn't compare
So you know something is wrong. You continue to do it anyway. So why did you post this? So what if everyone that posts says what you are doing is wrong? You are still going to do it.
when you get the best, its hard to let yourself down grade.
Of course there is one little problem with this logic. You are assuming there isn't a better than the best.
So if you set your sights on the "best" when something even "better" comes along, you can't see it because it might be slightly different. | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 1:18:35 PM | BTW I appreciate everyone's advice good or bad. Whether it's what I want to hear, what I had to hear, or something I wasn't prepared to hear.
He is long gone, and I know I am not getting him back, but in reading the responses and advices, I can remember back why I let it go and was timid... I caught him in many lies, he was a habitual liar... So I dont know just some clarifications...
And thank you for all the responses. I will continue to read and respond. | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 1:23:07 PM | | He has helped you to establish standard for a person at least in a department of being there for me and paying attention. You look for the same now and that is why you comapre because your new fellas are not giving it to you. So, you will eventually meet someone who will like #1. | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 2:02:10 PM |
Obviously you didnt read what I wrote after my post, smart guy.
I caught him in many lies, he was a habitual liar... So I dont know just some clarifications.
Two things OP. Obviously he wasn't that perfect either. I am sorry what happened to you about the rape. Rather than wish or think about the perfect guy, try instead of heal. That would be a better thing to do. | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 2:08:50 PM | | Well, if you caught him in many lies because he was an habitual liar, you are remembering him through rose coloured glasses. What you are remembering are some of his good qualities and those are the things you previously had. As I said, you don't want the same guy, you just want a nice guy who treats you well. Good luck (that's not sarcasm - seriously, good luck - you've had a tough time). | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 2:13:03 PM |
Is it bad for me to want something I previously had? In this case, yes. Here you had a demonstrative guy and you seemed unable to communicate your feelings to him. If you want another scenario like this in the future, you are doomed to failure. I suggest you better communicate to your next partner how you feel about him. Despite what you might hear, most guys don't like guessing how his partner feels about him. The "chase" game gets old real quick. It's senseless.
To be far, he never told me he wanted more No, but he showed it. Actions speak louder than words.
Last year I had a perfect guy...I caught him in many lies, he was a habitual liar Which is it? You contradict yourself. | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 2:15:52 PM | Well, if you caught him in many lies because he was an habitual liar, you are remembering him through rose coloured glasses
With the way the OP was initially talking before dropping this 'little" detail: i say Pink glasses, a joint in one hand, a bottle in the other, something in the nose while chewing opium based bubble gum.
Gee!
'the Best" you can have is a compulsive liar ?!?! and you compared THAT to other men?!?
Holy sh!t batman! there is the joker! | |
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| Is it bad for me to want something I previously had?
Posted: 8/13/2009 2:20:24 PM |
'the Best" you can have is a compulsive liar ?!?! and you compared THAT to other men?!?
I haven't walked in other people's shoes. Perhaps this IS some of the best of what this particular individual has encountered in her lifetime, depending on her walk of life and set of life circumstances to date. | |
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