| Bullying of single parents.
Posted: 8/14/2009 11:34:37 AM | I don't know if this is a cultural thing or not, but I've noticed an inordinate amount of bullying going on towards single parents; especially those who are young. When I say bullying I mean threats, mockery, etc.
I was talking to one a young single parent yesterday. She told me that she feels constant pressure into doing things the way family, friends or even random people instead of the way she wants to do them.
Since the baby's birth, there have been a number of times where she has felt intense pressure to cave to someone's demands. Every time she tries to assert herself as a parent, someone will call her judgement into question and make accusations against her to fall in line.
For example, people who didn't want her to breastfeed tried to convince her not to by claiming that it wasn't "natural", that the baby would slowly starve to death and it would be all her fault, that women who breastfeed are just sl*ts that want everyone else to see their boobs, etc. When she stood her ground and said "I don't want to hear it anymore, I've made my decision" and stopped answering her phone they called child protection services and claimed that she was sexually molesting her son because she was "making" him suck on her breast.
Another time she had been too busy to do laundry and he had no sleepers washed, she pulled out a pink one from the baby shower stash. The dad's mother was horrified and told her that it had to be changed immediately. She told them no, that it wasn't a big deal and they accused her of trying to make the child gay... that he would grow up, get AIDS, die and it would be all her fault.
Yet another time she was in a store and she picked up a care bear for him... the pink one. The cashier actually asked if it was for him, then said she couldn't sell it to her because boys shouldn't have pink.
I have heard countless stories of people (normally grandparents) calling child protection services on their grandchildrens' parents simply because they don't like the way the grandchildren are being raised.... for reasons such as not bringing them to church enough, or for grounding them for "too long", or "starving" them because they have a "you eat what's in front of you or you don't eat at all" rule, etc.
Have any of you single parents had this sort of thing happen to you? "Well meaning", pushy people trying to force you into parenting their way? People who completely ignore your wishes (like feeding a 2 week old ice cream even though you've told them not to)? Is it more likely to happen the younger you are when your children are born? | |
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| Bullying of single parents.
Posted: 8/14/2009 11:42:27 AM |
that she was sexually molesting her son because she was "making" him suck on her breast
That's what happens when you breed with your sister! Good God! I'm sorry, but if I knew or was related to these people, I'd join the witness protection agency! I had to check your profile to see what God forsaken hole you lived in! Move woman! | |
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| Bullying of single parents.
Posted: 8/14/2009 11:47:02 AM | Breastfeeding is not natural and only sluts who wanna flash their t*ts do it?! Dressing a baby boy in pink on laundry day will make him gay?!
Your friend's family/friends sound like a bunch of religious zealots and probably the worst thing she could do as a parent is expose her child to their ignorant a**es.
As for them calling CPS, as long as a parent knows they are doing a good job they need not cave in to the demands of idiots. If they call CPS it is mostly likely they will be proven to be idiots. Use some threats of your own... like "And I'll file a complaint regarding you making false statements to authorities right before I sue you for defamation of character, libel and slander." If you fight fire with fire then it naturally follows you would fight a**holes by being one. | |
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| Bullying of single parents.
Posted: 8/14/2009 12:00:11 PM | It's not the place I"m from lol... this mother lives in another province and I barely know her. I was just at a function with her and there was a minor "bullying" incident and I commiserated with her. It just boggled my mind that there are so many judgemental people that can't seem to grasp the fact that the way they do things is not the way other people will do it and will go to great lengths to try and make it happen.
They are also not religious in the slightest. I think it's more of a pack mentality thing driving this. Older people are to be respected and deferred to, and there is no place for dissent. If you do things "differently" you are labelled as being "hard to get along with", "taking on airs", "trying to be better" etc. She even had the great-grandmother's sister call her after she had the baby to complain about her choice in names. When she was told that the name would not be changed, she started crying and carrying on about how the child should be named for a recently deceased family member that she had never met. Then got calls from more family members trying to get her to change the name because it would be a good way to apologize for upsetting the old lady.
Kinda makes me want to crawl off into the brush when/if I have my future children just so I don't have to deal with it... | |
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| Bullying of single parents.
Posted: 8/14/2009 12:26:59 PM | | Wow, the people this girl knows sound crazy... I've had people give me plenty of advice since I've had my daughter, I will of course thank them for the advice and chose weather or not I'll use it. Usually though it doesn't work for me. For the most part people have respected my choices, when people don't respect them and make a big deal about it I'll assert myself as her parent and the one who will be making decisions for her. If they can't handle it that's there problem. But like I said for the most part people respect that I'm my daughters parent, and will do things as I see fit. | |
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| Bullying of single parents.
Posted: 8/14/2009 12:50:11 PM | These people sound nuts! Her baby isn't going to remember what colors he wears at this age, let alone care. I could see if he was like 5 and she dressed him in pink, but he's a baby and he doesn't care as long as he's taken care of.
As for the cashier, if it was me I'd have demanded to talk to her superviser. She does not have the right to refuse a sale (Unless it was her privately owned store)
Lots of little boys who only have sisters play with dolls and girl things, and they don't turn out to be gay. | |
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| Bullying of single parents.
Posted: 8/14/2009 1:10:21 PM | Right now I'm catching it from my own mother because of the way I potty train my son, I don't let him outside enough, his dad shouldn't see him unless he pays more, you name it and I'm sure I've heard it. I'm also the youngest in my family by 8 years so I hear it from my brother and sister too. Mostly its from older more traditional adults.
I don't think it has much to do with the age you have your children at although the younger you are the more niece people think you are. I was 25 when I had my son and he's two now and the only reason I don't hear it as much as I used to is I started standing my ground.
The last time someone made a comment to me I just nicely told them that I'm sure I could find at least 100 things I don't agree with in the way you raise your children but I realize that we all have our different ways and you don't know if you're right or wrong until your kids grow up and tell their therapist. | |
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| Bullying of single parents.
Posted: 8/14/2009 1:19:08 PM | IMO- Every parent has a tip for other parents. Some are A-Holes Some are not.
That is just how advice it.
For those that bully you take solice in knowing that they are doing that because they trying to correct something they did wrong or failed at or feel that way.
My dad at 79 and me at 45, still tries to correct me with my kids, life and in general.
Sometimes it is appropriate, sometimes not and others so so.....
If someone nags you about what you are doing, tell them to leave as they are hurting the child(ren) by such negative energy that may fester hate...... | |
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| Bullying of single parents.
Posted: 8/14/2009 1:27:01 PM | | My Dad's family is from Newfoundland and I cannot see any of them uneducated or not thinking this way. It sounds like she is making this up. Breast feeding is not natural????? | |
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| Bullying of single parents.
Posted: 8/14/2009 1:36:31 PM | Wish I could say this kind of balogne doesn't occur but it does. Part of being a parent is learning to handle critizism with maturity and often more grace than the person offering the discourageing comments. Try to keep their words in perspective and be open to the idea that the reason it bugs you so much is you are trying to be a good parent and maybe you fear they might have a point.
And example might be the nameing issue. A parent sees it as their absolute right while a family may see it as a bond between the generations. Where possible seek compromises and build bridges. In the long run you might be surprised the ones you will need.
A call to Child Protective Services should concern but not frighten the average parent. Workers quickly see through abusive calls but are mandated by law to come out and check them out. Staying business like, answering questions, and welcomeing the resources they offer you . Don't see a pass as the right to then threaten anyone with counter complaints because that will only pour gasoline on a fire and loose whatever support you might have from and overworked CPS. .
There is safety in numbers. Going to a Parenting group, church of your choice, YWCA ( which affords parents membership on slideing scale), P.T.A. or regularly seeing people who are supportive of you can help balance out your critics. An informal meeting with other Parents at the WalMart snack bar or McDonald's playground will give you peer support.
If you have toxic family members sometimes you have to resort to self preservation and have caller id or and unlisted phone number or in extream cases restraining orders. As a Grandparent I understand their rights but if they are keeping you so worked up that you can not function you can limit there access severly. I would caution against going to war with family or people in public. With a child you can't up the anti the way they can if they act stupid but you can gain credibility by staying calm.
It is very sad to say that there are some really irrational responses to breast feeding. Unfortuneately there was a period when it was heavily discouraged by all means fair and foul and Mother's and Grandmother's can be very emotional about their views. Try to focus on that it is the most cost effective healthful way to feed your baby and be as discreet as you can around those who are not supportive. Done somewhere private it actually can be a bonding time between Baby, Mother, and other adult women.
Keep in mind the past couple of generations thought a healthy baby was a fat baby and may need reasurance that a normal weight baby or a small baby we are so blessed to see survive now days are not in jeapardy.
Also many people who are the most hyper-critical may have their own unresolved issues about parenting. Maybe a "lost" child or pregnancy or a similiarly critical experience. If their relationship with you has always been difficult they may be afraid to step back and fail one more time. The stakes get a lot higher when you fear for your own child and a grandchild.
That you come here and discuss this common parenting issue heartens me that your children will be well cared for. Ignore the ignorant rearks. | |
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| Bullying of single parents.
Posted: 8/14/2009 3:43:53 PM |
Yet another time she was in a store and she picked up a care bear for him... the pink one. The cashier actually asked if it was for him, then said she couldn't sell it to her because boys shouldn't have pink.
This sounds like a made up story. Cashiers aren't even legally allowed to do this. Plus, why would they assume the woman was buying it for the child she was with? I've bought boy clothes while I had my daughter with me for other children and no cashier ever said anything to me about it.
The rest of it sounds pretty abnormal, too. If any "bullying" is going on, I've heard more "you can't go party"s and "quit dumping your kid off on me"s than anything you are describing. | |
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| Bullying of single parents.
Posted: 8/14/2009 3:57:11 PM | | OP, I totally agree. I'm not a single parent. I get away with absolutely everything out her in Exerbia. Kids visiting chatting with their girls online and I'm wandering around in a towel while they're camming. Bought my youngest a katana a while back- him and his buds punched a bunch of holes in the family room ceiling. I've detached the hose for the tub so I can spray people who harass me in the jacuzzi. In 15 years not a single solitary parent has whispered a word of concern. I'm not asking the kids to wrestle in mud pits in the basement but frankly I can't believe how different it is for single parents, particularly those with jealous ex's and cohabitation situations going on. | |
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| Bullying of single parents.
Posted: 8/14/2009 4:24:25 PM | I don't think this is necessarily a "young, single parent"" issue. This happens in many families, regardless of age or marital status.
However, some interference is specific to a subset of young, single parents; unwed young teen mothers. If the teen mother lives at home and her parents are paying all of the bills and providing child care, often the grandparents will clash with the child's mother over the "right" way to do things.
Since the teen mother is still a minor, it is understandable from the persepctive of her parents, why they interfere. | |
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| Bullying of single parents.
Posted: 8/14/2009 4:29:48 PM |
For the most part people have respected my choices, when people don't respect them and make a big deal about it I'll assert myself as her parent and the one who will be making decisions for her. If they can't handle it that's there problem. But like I said for the most part people respect that I'm my daughters parent, and will do things as I see fit.
Well, that's the way I see it too. I've seen it to some extent with some single parent friends I know, and to me it seems like asserting themselves is a challenge to their detractors to up the ante. I'm just wondering how much it happens.
I don't think it has much to do with the age you have your children at although the younger you are the more niece people think you are. I was 25 when I had my son and he's two now and the only reason I don't hear it as much as I used to is I started standing my ground.
Good for you. How did some of the more obstinate people react the first time you put your foot down?
If someone nags you about what you are doing, tell them to leave as they are hurting the child(ren) by such negative energy that may fester hate......
I agree that that's the way it should be but by doing so it's taken personally and the claws come out.
My Dad's family is from Newfoundland and I cannot see any of them uneducated or not thinking this way. It sounds like she is making this up. Breast feeding is not natural?????
I'm not sure if they really believe that or if they think they throw enough stuff it will stick and the other person will be 'shamed" into doing what they want. Maybe they never give their fully grown children the respect to let them make decisions without interference. It could just be certain families, certain areas, certain lifestyles. That's what I'm trying to find out.
I've also heard the breastfeeding arguments before, from family members when my sister decided to breastfeed (there was also another 'argument' that evaporated cows milk was good enough for everyone else so it should be good enough for her baby) and the "breastfeeding women are sl*ts" from some skeezebag in the hospital when my sister had her son. She went on a rant about how they just want men to stare at their t*ts until the nurse told her to leave.
Wish I could say this kind of balogne doesn't occur but it does. Part of being a parent is learning to handle critizism with maturity and often more grace than the person offering the discourageing comments. Try to keep their words in perspective and be open to the idea that the reason it bugs you so much is you are trying to be a good parent and maybe you fear they might have a point.
This isn't about me (as I don't have children and I'm currently not pregnant) but I'm looking at it more as unwanted interference with something that is really none of their business... and will escalate to where it gets malicious. It's gotten to the point that a lot of young parents I know tell their families next to nothing about their lives because they know it will be criticized.
[quotes]This sounds like a made up story. Cashiers aren't even legally allowed to do this. Plus, why would they assume the woman was buying it for the child she was with? I've bought boy clothes while I had my daughter with me for other children and no cashier ever said anything to me about it.
Well, I guess it's not common where you live then. I had my nieces with me once when they were 2 and 4 and stopped into the grocery store. There was a drink cooler at the end of the aisle and my niece asked for a bottle of Pepsi. Before I could say no, the cashier was clucking her tongue and went on a rant about how children today are living on junk food and how they're all going to end up ugly and fat.
My sister had my aunt call and "talk to her" about the fact that she was going on a weekend trip before the baby was Christened because if there was an accident her soul would be lost.
On her middle child, she gave her the feminine version of our recently deceased grandfather's name as a middle name. She called me in tears because her husband's mother DEMANDED that she give her an extra name to honour HER deceased father as it "wasn't fair to pick one side of the family over the other".
I've seen grandparents give children with food allergies the foods that they're allergic to so that they can "get used to it"... and when told they had to leave their childrens' house that they have a "right" to be there because the grandchild resides there. My cousin stayed at her mother's house after her daughter was born for the help.... when her overbearing mother started in on her she got ready to go home. Her mother threatened to call the police because her daughter was taking a baby outside in the winter.
I agree it's ridiculous... I was just wondering how widespread it was. And if I'm in some sort of alternate universe where children never get to live their own lives. | |
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| Bullying of single parents.
Posted: 8/15/2009 9:40:36 PM |
My Dad's family is from Newfoundland and I cannot see any of them uneducated or not thinking this way. It sounds like she is making this up. Breast feeding is not natural?????
I heard the breastfeeding thing when I was preg too, my first choice was to breast feed and one of the OB Residents, during one of my exams, was trying to explain to me that it just isn't a natural course for a woman's body, yadda yadda yadda. I switched hospitals and never heard it again. | |
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| Bullying of single parents.
Posted: 8/15/2009 11:06:47 PM |
was trying to explain to me that it just isn't a natural course for a woman's body
That makes me laugh....why on earth were we given breasts then?!?!
Some people have very very small minds | |
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| Bullying of single parents.
Posted: 8/16/2009 5:39:33 PM | That's it stop the world let me off. This post was just a bit too much for me. As to your question I'm too much of a grump, (mostly because of where I live) to let anyone intimate or bully me. But I have to agree with some of the other posters move, the people where you live are insane busybodies.
Gadget. | |
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| Bullying of single parents.
Posted: 8/16/2009 8:29:58 PM | That seems like quite a...wow.
But in general I do believe that single parents are bullied, especially young women. People want it so many ways you can't please them all and frankly, I don't care. Because my decision to have a child was just that...mine.
All people will be bullied, harassed, or criticized over something in this world. Be it gender, race, religion, body type, political view. Just another thing to add to the roster... | |
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| Bullying of single parents.
Posted: 8/16/2009 9:03:19 PM | I have never heard things to this degree but I am familiar with it. When my daughter was a baby she sucked her thumb. I had as a child and quit without being "made" to quit and my mother-in-law would constantly try to take her thumb out of her mouth; everything I read said to leave her alone, that that would more likely reinforce the behavior so I mentioned to her a couple of times that I was not worried about it, she would quit on her own. When that seemed to fly right by I told her to stop taking the kid's thumb out of her mouth. Last time that happened.
On the other hand, as a young mother, I heard people telling me to loosen up so often that I eventually did and I shouldn't have. My in-laws ragged on me because when I was 120 miles from home without a change of clothes, it wasn't worth it to me to give a 2-year-old ice cream, like the child would be scarred for life. I will let you know when that subject comes up in therapy because I had no intention of having a sticky mess of a child for the rest of the day and ride home to make other people happy.
At the same time, if you haven't been around children that much, a youngest child like me with no cousins or even neighborhood kids that were closer than like 8 years younger, you're worried about screwing up, you're not always sure your gut is right. That's one of the reasons why a lot of threads are generated here. People are either looking for suggestions or they are pretty sure what they should do but want others' opinions about whether this seems prudent or if there are pitfalls in a particular decision that they have not thought of.
I think people badger parents and single parents even more, young single parents are easy targets for those people that wish to make others miserable. If your friend's situation is like this, and I don't doubt it is possible, even the store incident if it is a small town, she should be commended for having good sense and not caving to the idiots that surround her. | |
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| Bullying of single parents.
Posted: 8/17/2009 7:31:01 PM | The mother should find some source that is recognized as an authority, like a parenting website, book, or something like that.... that backs her up.
I have people in my life that like to tell me how to raise my son... I'm too polite to do this, but I would just love to tell them how much I disrespect their opinions because of how lame THEIR children are!!! | |
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