| Scared of Getting Hurt- does it happen?
Posted: 8/15/2009 3:04:32 AM | The "He's Just Not That Into You" phenomenon would have us believe that when a guy leaves a relationship, it's always because, frankly, he just wasn't that into you, even though women will often interpret it as the guy being "afraid of commitment" or not ready or too scared to risk getting hurt. I am sure a lot of the time, the guy just doesn't want that particular girl, and given the right girl, he would dive in head first and be the one asking for commitment.
My question is, have you ever been simply scared of getting hurt and walked away from commitment (or a potentially more serious relationship) to avoid getting hurt? Do you think this happens? Have you ever regretted walking away from a serious relationship because you were scared, and realized later that you lost a good thing?
Thanks for any insight. | |
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| Scared of Getting Hurt- does it happen?
Posted: 8/15/2009 3:43:47 AM | | Ive done the opposite? its going to be a per guy factor, but for me i always find when i know im going to get hurt i end up saying yes to a relationship and then regretting it due to enevitably getting hurt. But it does happen, ive said no a few times to people because of the way they live there lives just wouldnt work with me. For example people that like to go out alot, to clubs and bars ect with guys ive said no and backed off from even though i like them, because my jealousy would never allow me to be ok with someone like that, even though the feelings were there. Its things like that, incompatable lifestyles ect that create this supposed "fear of commitment" for its rather the guy knows it would be too hard to be with you, yet still wants to be. | |
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| Scared of Getting Hurt- does it happen?
Posted: 8/15/2009 4:06:26 AM | I can honestly say I have never walked away out of fear of getting hurt.
The greater the risk, the greater the reward, and that's the way I've always played life in all aspects. Never have I walked away from something for fear of hurt. I'm usually the one who ends up driving someone away because, simply put, I am a lot to handle.
Most guys don't actually seem to have this fear of commitment. That seems to be rather outdated. It moreover seems to me that the connection isn't there, and some guys - probably the ones you actually dated for more than a month - want to let you down easy cause they're softies and really don't want to hurt you. There is, however, still that 90% of guys out there that give the rest of us a bad name. | |
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| Scared of Getting Hurt- does it happen?
Posted: 8/15/2009 4:45:13 AM | | I think that's a bit of a paradox. You won't get scared of being hurt until you actually have feelings for someone and then you're already in over your head. I don't know if you can be scared of being hurt by someone you don't have feelings for. Some people may be scared of commitment but that's a different issue. We generally walk away because we're not interested or found someone we're more interested in. There's no harm in interpreting someone being afraid of commit as the reason they left. Nobody likes to think someone just wasn't interested so I guess it's a way of leaving your self esteem in tact. | |
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| Scared of Getting Hurt- does it happen?
Posted: 8/15/2009 4:47:59 AM | I've walked away from women who were going to get hurt...i.e., they weren't looking at the reality in front of them, they were looking instead at what they wanted to get from me....and how they were going to excuse it later.
Now, there are plenty of women who rationalize why a guy left, and these women need to see reality. He doesn't leave what's important to him. No one does. If not being hurt is more important than not being alone...then a person doesn't get hurt. Its more important they don't get hurt. They will sacrifice being with someone, just to be "right".
I've lost some good relationships. But they weren't right for the time...or for me. Doesn't make them wrong, just wrong for me. | |
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| Scared of Getting Hurt- does it happen?
Posted: 8/15/2009 7:30:05 AM | A man's heart is just like a woman's. It pumps the same amount of blood, beats the same number of times, and can be broken just as easy.
My answer is no, but only because I have yet to have a serious relationship since the last time a girl tore my heart out, shit on it, and put it back in my rib cage. | |
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| Scared of Getting Hurt- does it happen?
Posted: 8/15/2009 9:44:02 AM | We experience fear too. But if he walks away, then for some reason he's just not that into you.
There may be other perfectly legitimate reasons too, but fear of getting hurt is not likely one of them. Major heartbreak and fear of getting hurt again is a top reason the men you would call "players" first become that way. (Almost every "player" I've ever had as a friend was hurt really bad early on in their dating life by a girl he really dug.) But not a leading reason men leave real relationships. | |
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| Scared of Getting Hurt- does it happen?
Posted: 8/15/2009 9:59:06 AM | NO.
Unless your guy is a total pansy, he will not be all "scared" and walk out of a relationship or potential.
Now, if there is too much drama, and the guy has a decent amount of self esteem, he may come up with a reason to not hurt you, to get some space.
In my experience, the "He's just not that into you" is right on the money, most men do not get caught up in the drama of relationships, unless they have self esteem issues, and if you are dating a guy with self esteem issues, you simply picked wrong, dump him and pick a good one next time.
You are trying to over-think this, men are not as complex as women. | |
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| Scared of Getting Hurt- does it happen?
Posted: 8/15/2009 10:18:29 AM |
My question is, have you ever been simply scared of getting hurt and walked away from commitment (or a potentially more serious relationship) to avoid getting hurt?
Yes. But it's always an emotional knee jerk reaction due to fear of something. But after taking a lot of time to think about it I have always found that we simply weren't compatible. That I was simply overlooking or ignoring the depth because I was enjoying the shallow.
Do you think this happens?
Yes. But I doubt it's a specifically conscious decision most of the time and more of a reaction to negative emotional pressure.
Have you ever regretted walking away from a serious relationship because you were scared, and realized later that you lost a good thing?
Not after thinking about it for a bit. I have always regretted having the easy access to the benefits of being in a relationship after it was gone though. And sometimes then rationalized that I missed them, rather than what they offered. | |
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| Scared of Getting Hurt- does it happen?
Posted: 8/15/2009 11:03:56 AM | Your first instinct "He's just not that into you" is 100% correct.
A guy who really wants a woman will never even think about getting hurt. In fact, most guys (real guys) always believe it's going to work.
If you really believed deep down that a guy was such a **** that he was afraid to get hurt, you wouldn't be attracted to him anyway. | |
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| Scared of Getting Hurt- does it happen?
Posted: 8/15/2009 11:45:31 AM | I've definitely walked away for reasons OTHER than that I didn't want the girl, though not so much fear of being hurt. The fear part for me, is all in the initial approach portion, which has been made MUCH easier by going through non-face-to-face interactions such as P.O.F.
In one case in particular, I chose to stop trying with a VERY desirable woman, because she said she didn't feel she was falling for me (after about a week), and that she was moving to an area about thirty miles farther from me than before. My decision to stop was based on the fact that I DID want her very much, and that I knew it would be a messy situation fraught with discomfort for both of us if I continued to try to get her to care for me. She was quite willing to stay in a dating mode, and as far as I know had no other immediate men who were in hot pursuit. I just didn't want to be in a situation where I was in long-term romance mode, with someone who was in hanging out for fun mode. I suppose you could call that avoiding pain, though it was more a matter of SELECTING the shorter term pain of ending the relationship, over the potentially longer term pain of continuing to try.
I had some regrets, wondering later if I had kept trying that she might have come around, but since I could never know, I put it out of my mind when the thoughts arose. | |
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| Scared of Getting Hurt- does it happen?
Posted: 8/15/2009 5:28:46 PM | | I've pursued women that I felt strongly for. Half of them I got hurt by rejection and the other half turned into longterm relationships. I'm sure the imaginable does happen, so yes some walk because they're scared. I'd just like to add that when sex is the focus, it often does not sustain a relationship. Refraining allows the focus to be on growing together in your commitment to each other. | |
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| Scared of Getting Hurt- does it happen?
Posted: 8/15/2009 6:41:02 PM | Contrary to the popular idea of "he/she is not into you", people tend to get more serious whenever they are ready, but not any sooner. When it happens, all of a suddent the person who they've been ignoring for years seems interesting and attractive.
I've seen it happen to more than one of my male friends over years. He'd date around for fun, he'd even have a few long term relationships. Then - boom, something hits him, and he gets married within two years.
I've also seen it happen that a person would leave a LTR just to get into a new LTR soimply because in the old relationship there is a perception and dynamics that is associated with something not as serious. | |
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| Scared of Getting Hurt- does it happen?
Posted: 8/15/2009 7:02:20 PM | My question is, have you ever been simply scared of getting hurt and walked away from commitment (or a potentially more serious relationship) to avoid getting hurt? Do you think this happens? Have you ever regretted walking away from a serious relationship because you were scared, and realized later that you lost a good thing?
I've avoided letting ambiguous relationships become serious relationships. But let me tell you a little rhyme my mother used to tell when she was in an evil mood.
"I flew all around with the pretty birds and ended up with my face in a cow turd"
She was a beauty that probably rejected dozens of men before she ended up with my father. She had a fearful personality, in both senses. | |
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| Scared of Getting Hurt- does it happen?
Posted: 8/15/2009 7:44:04 PM | I've had the opposite happen, she walked away, just out of the blue. Really hurt, because we weren't fighting or anything, I didn't see it coming. Had just spent the morning with my mother (not the first time) and was making plans to do other things.
But something was wrong, and when I pushed, she said she just couldn't handle being in a relationship. It was too much for her. She thought it was only a matter of time before I hurt her like her past relationships.
So, it does happen, but don't assume it's men doing it, women do it too.
And it's probably the worst, because you don't see it coming, there's no fighting, they just leave, and it hurts more than I've ever experienced before. | |
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| Scared of Getting Hurt- does it happen?
Posted: 8/16/2009 12:52:56 AM | op,
i think your assessment is dead on. even people who are scared will hang around if they're into you...they may be a little more cautious, but they'll be there. | |
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