| Is having 5 kids from a divorce a huge overkill to get back into the "serious" dating scene?
Posted: 8/17/2009 9:53:39 PM | I see alot of these posts about "abusive men,cheaters,liars"blah blah when someone good comes along and then they find out i have 5 kids then *vrooooooom* there gone. I mean seriously, are you expecting to pay my child support or not have the finest things in life besides an honest,caring gentleman as myself with alot of ambitious goals?
Input please as i am astonished by this !!
DJ
 | |
|
| Is having 5 kids from a divorce a huge overkill to get back into the serious dating scene?
Posted: 8/17/2009 10:11:51 PM | Wow 5 kids.
You don't want the ones that run anyway, so good riddance to them.
Dating someone with children isn't something to take lightly. It's a package deal. These women may not want the pressure or responsibility, or might be looking forward to having kids of their own and think that since you have a large family already that you won't want more.
Plus they might just be plain scared, lol. | |
|
| Is having 5 kids from a divorce a huge overkill to get back into the serious dating scene?
Posted: 8/17/2009 10:25:07 PM |
I see alot of these posts about "abusive men,cheaters,liars"blah blah when someone good comes along and then they find out i have 5 kids then *vrooooooom* there gone. I mean seriously, are you expecting to pay my child support or not have the finest things in life besides an honest,caring gentleman as myself with alot of ambitious goals?
Input please as i am astonished by this !!
5 children and you are only 28 and already divorced? How do two people have that many children together in such a short time, and not stay together? Do you share custody with your ex wife? | |
|
| |
| |
| Is having 5 kids from a divorce a huge overkill to get back into the serious dating scene?
Posted: 8/17/2009 10:29:04 PM | Wow! 28 years old and 5 kids? And YOU are the one that is astonished?
If I were a woman in your age range I'm afraid I'd be feeling that you already had a (large!) family and I hadn't even started one.... And frankly, in my 20s I wasn't even sure I wanted to have ANY children... so for me, it probably would have been a deal-breaker. At that age, there's no way I could have handled dating someone with 5 kids.
Fair to you? Probably not. But those 5 kids are your reality, and it probably WILL be more difficult for you to find someone compatible that can deal with it. And no, not the financial aspect of it, just the existence of all those children.
Of course... there'd also be the phrase running through my mind... "Don't point that thing at me, it might go off!" (Damn, you're fertile.) | |
|
| |
| Is having 5 kids from a divorce a huge overkill to get back into the serious dating scene?
Posted: 8/17/2009 10:54:33 PM |
Was not a short time - 10 years is by far that! She actually remarried and had 3 more technically - Yes i have half custody of them and spend my spare days with them but my main focus is my college and they accept that. I actually do have a kickback life which is content with all of us!
How can you afford 5 children and college? Why did you break up with your wife? | |
|
| Is having 5 kids from a divorce a huge overkill to get back into the serious dating scene?
Posted: 8/17/2009 11:39:23 PM | | well the suition it would be like dating a single mum with 5 kids and that age 28 it would be a deal broker for many and alot of woman may view you as a deal broker to them have you thought about dating single mums as they will know your suition and alot of childless woman wont get invovled with single father with 5 kids as single woman may want to have children of there own and you that would put alot of woman off like alot of childelss guy wont deal with single mums either anyway are children they through to the same woman or were they with diffrent woman you have dated over the past | |
|
| |
| Is having 5 kids from a divorce a huge overkill to get back into the serious dating scene?
Posted: 8/18/2009 5:14:05 AM | | as i was saying i wouldnt never date a single mum as tthe op as quoted he has 5 kids either to the 1 woman or has had diffrent woman in his life and how does some onme that age have 5 kids i mean look at it if a single mum had 5 kids and she was the same age or even 23 years with 5 kids alot of people will see them as a deal broker the op has 5 kids as i was saying alot of childless woman who may never experinced mother hood would see the op as a deal broker in most cases | |
|
| |
| Is having 5 kids from a divorce a huge overkill to get back into the serious dating scene?
Posted: 8/18/2009 5:22:37 AM | | as i was saying i wouldnt never date a single mum .as the op as quoted he has 5 kids either to the 1 woman or has had diffrent woman in his life and how does some one that age have 5 kids i mean look at it if a single mum had 5 kids and she was the same age or even 23 years with 5 kids alot of people will see them as a deal broker the op has 5 kids as i was saying alot of childless woman wont deal with the suition hes in and maybe he should be hooking up with single mum | |
|
| Is having 5 kids from a divorce a huge overkill to get back into the serious dating scene?
Posted: 8/18/2009 5:53:14 AM |
as i was saying i wouldnt never date a single mum .as the op as quoted he has 5 kids either to the 1 woman or has had diffrent woman in his life and how does some one that age have 5 kids i mean look at it if a single mum had 5 kids and she was the same age or even 23 years with 5 kids alot of people will see them as a deal broker the op has 5 kids as i was saying alot of childless woman wont deal with the suition hes in and maybe he should be hooking up with single mum
lol! I love this guy. Ok, I am going to attempt to translate...
"I would never date a single mother. As the original poster said, he has 5 children, with one or more women. How does someone at that age have 5 children? If a single mother had 5 children at the same age as the original poster or younger, many people would see that as a deal breaker. Many childless women will not date a single father with 5 children, either. Maybe he should try dating a single mother." | |
|
| |
| |
| Is having 5 kids from a divorce a huge overkill to get back into the serious dating scene?
Posted: 8/18/2009 6:18:02 AM | future you nailed it perfect i know alot of single mums here in australia and they either staying with there parents and dont have jobs cause they have no desires to look for work and another lady with 4 kids i heard she spoke to one of my sister friend and she said she was done having children she must of been 26 30 years of age i know why guys wont date them over here in australia they get nearly 5 grand for a child if htey have triplets its 10 grand of hte goverment here they get housing commision from tax payers money to put a roof on there heads and htey abuse hte system here i watch a show here on tv and 1 single mother wasnt married but with her boyfriend and they were gettin nearly 40 grand in welfare payment it i think she had kids when she was 16 years of age and she now 21 for each children they have the more htey get in baby bonues here in australia | |
|
| Is having 5 kids from a divorce a huge overkill to get back into the serious dating scene?
Posted: 8/18/2009 6:54:36 AM | Well OP, back when I was in the age range where I would have dated a 28yr old (for me, around 23-30), there is just no way in the world that as a single woman with no children that I would have dated a man with 5 children.
Primarily that would have been because back then, when I was single myself and ultimately wanting to marry and have a family, I wanted to do it with someone who was also doing it for the first time, like me.
I wouldn't have totally dismissed a man just because he had children already, but I have to say that I more than likely would have if he had more than 2.
Look, bottom line is this. In your 20s, you are far more likely to be single, no children, meeting and socialising with other people also single with no children. The socialising and dating dynamic, in my experience, when you are still in that zone is entirely different. You are simply not in the emotional, 'life' and 'head' space/stage where you are likely to be wanting to contemplate step children, *unless* you already have your own children.
Quite honestly, I am astonished why you wouldn't understand how very daunting it would be to any potential new partner that you already have 5 children when you are only 28.
I think you need to face the reality that having made the choice to have so many children, so young, your dating and relationship prospects may be extremely limited. Goodness only knows, us 'older folk' with only 1 or 2 kids, are aware that there are many who would prefer not to date us because we have children, and we are in a dating pool where there are far more single parents out there.
Frankly, I am really unclear as to how you financially support 5 children, share custody of them, are studying and still have the financial and logistical resources to date anyone. I am NOT for a minute suggesting that you should be paying for anyone else but yourself, but I imagine your financial situation must be incredibly tight, not to mention your actual availability.
Look, single women in their 20s, who are not parents themselves are in the main just not going to want to even contemplate taking that on. And it is going to take a very unique woman who would.
You have to put yourself in her shoes - imagine starting out, still young, newly married, wanting to start a family and there are already 5 children to be factored in. It would be overwhelming. Heck, I wouldn't do it now and I am older, wiser and have children of my own! Ultimately, I am looking for a life partner and going from 2 children to 7 would be out of the question for me. It would change my life and that of my children in such a massive way (emotionally, practically, logistically and yes, financially), that I would be unwilling to even start to date someone with 5 children. The only exception would be if most of them were already grown and out of the home.
You've got a tough road ahead. And really the only advice I can give is that the sooner you accept your 'limitations', the smaller they become and the better you'll be at working around/with them. You might also find that once you get into your 30s, it will get a little better.
The younger of your 5 kids must be very young still. Even the oldest is only 9 or 10? Maybe you need to focus on them for a while. Stay open always to anyone who may come into your life of course. But sometimes the 'right' person comes along when you aren't actively looking and when you least expect it. | |
|
| Is having 5 kids from a divorce a huge overkill to get back into the serious dating scene?
Posted: 8/18/2009 7:06:04 AM | Yes , actually i do have a very content life like i stated . I have been in school for almost 3 years and have 2 Associates Degrees and am about to start on my Bachelors Degree here at the end of the year. My kids do not live with me anymore due to alot of reasons of me having to move around to travel for work and my modeling when i was doing it. I recently just got out of a relationship with a woman that was 21 with 1 kid and she was the world to me and them but things went south because eventually after almost 8 months of dating , her inexperienced standards couldnt keep up with my high lifestyle and goals so we went our ways.
Unfortunatly i winded up being divorced from her due to a long past of problems and the woman always never lets them go - hence she decided to be single and found a fantastic b/f who turned into her husband within 3 years of them dating. I honestly wouldnt change anything the way how it is now and if i have to live my life the way how it is then so be it,i just enjoy the monogomous relationships with a single woman long term to be more satisfying honestly.
Thanks for all your responses tho :) | |
|
| |
| Is having 5 kids from a divorce a huge overkill to get back into the serious dating scene?
Posted: 8/18/2009 7:51:51 AM | I might do it.
Dating, no problem, long term would definately take a lot of consideration.
First of all i would wonder why you had 5 kids in a failing marriage.
Surely it didnt take 5 pregnancies and births before anyone realized things werent working out? Unless the lady that birthed your children died or upped and left you out of the clear blue sky.
Thats a lot of responsibility and work to raise 5 kids, even married and with help.
That aside, i did want to have a large family when i married, as i had planned to be married for life. So being involved with someone with 5 kids might not scare me off so much as it might other women. If the man was incredible in every way, and just so happened to have 5 kids, i might just give it a chance. Might. It would really depend on the person.
If the man was a deadbeat dad and not contributing to raising his 5 kids, wheather in the form of physical care, financial support, or both, no t a chance in hell. | |
|
| |
| Is having 5 kids from a divorce a huge overkill to get back into the serious dating scene?
Posted: 8/18/2009 8:31:33 AM | I'm confused... you say you are 28 and that you were married for 10 years. Since the divorce, your ex-wife dated someone for 3 years and is now married to him and has more children. So at a minimum you were married at age 15???
You are supporting 5 children, going to school full time, can still provide for someone else and have a 'kickback' lifestyle? When you say you don't see your kids much because of your schooling, do you mean you don't see them at all??
Good luck to you. | |
|
| |
| Is having 5 kids from a divorce a huge overkill to get back into the serious dating scene?
Posted: 8/18/2009 8:38:03 AM | People do not expect to pay your child support but should the relationship go long-term, their standard of living could be dramatically reduced because you are paying the support. When my ex was only earning $40,000 a year, we were paying out $1000 a month in child support and when one of the children finally reached 18, the other support was raised so we were paying $700 a month. You don't think that dramatically influenced how I was able financially to support my three children? I worked, with the exception of about a year that I stayed home with my first daughter and even then, found something I could do at home to generate income so it wasn't like I was sitting on my ass expecting my ex to support his older two children, me and my three by himself.
If you make enough money so that you can still enjoy a decent standard of living for yourself I would mention that when you tell someone you have five children. I have five kids but fortunately earn enough to support them as well as enjoy a good standard of living myself.
You can consider it shallow if you want but it is not any different than someone not wanting to be involved with someone who has incurred substantial debt. Five children is also a fairly big deal for someone who is initially, probably not going to be spending time around you when you have your children and if they do wind up seriously involved with you, will be assuming a parental role with those children when you do have them even if they have a wonderful and competent mother.
I didn't start being a stepmom to my son at the wedding, it happened gradually over the time the same way we will take care of our friends children when they are at our house or if we are out in a group. Closest adult handles the problem, help or whatever.
Also what might be an issue is the age of your children. Stepping in when kids are small is sometimes easier from the attitude standpoint but it also means a great deal of energy expended and if someone isn't really a kid oriented person, being involved in the care of five children is/can be daunting. If the children are older, you have the potential resentment of teens that don't really give a toot if mom or dad is happy and aren't jazzed about someone new being in their lives. Being treated badly, even if just under the line that the parent will call them on it times five isn't a pleasant place to be.
These are the realities of someone that would potentially date you and while some people might see how things go, meet the children and find out what they are like, whether they are well behaved nice children or little devils that are catered to by both parents due to the fallout from a bad divorce, many will just take a pass altogether. There is wisdom in delaying meeting the children but who wants to spend 2-3 months or more cultivating a relationship with someone, meet their children that are holy terrors and then know that they can't get themselves involved further? If they have grown to care for you that kind of sucks and again, many will choose to avoid going there to begin with. | |
|
Home
login 
