| | she says she needs space?? How much is enough?Page 1 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | | ok, Her and I met through an internet date site- not this one-lol. Anyway- she had something about her-not sure what, but had to meet her. Her and I went out and hit it off great! We went out for 3 months. We had no fights or arguements at all. Her 3 daughters and my son all got along great with each other and us. Even her 2 year old that doesnt take to some of her own family took to me and my son quickly. We basically moved in together too quickly- this i know. Just was out of convenience more than anything. Anyway- one day out of the blue, she tells me that she has been feeling like she needs space. We both felt heart broken. She said she doesnt know what to do and feels lost. Granted- it was only 3 months long, but even she said that she feels like she has known me for alot longer. We got along very well. Did everything together and went everywhere together. We meshed perfectly. I sincerely believe that she is just needing space, but what do I do now? We have been apart for 5 weeks. We still text each other once in awhile. Im giving her the space. She even cried when she said- I dont know what I want and Im confused and Im afraid that as time passes that I will have made a mistake, but Im so confused?? Anyway- I realize this- Her and I met 6 months after she got out of a 5 year relationship. I was supposedly the first guy she dated after the long relationship. I understand that this is all bad timing. But what do I do? I dont "bug" her about getting back together. When we do talk- its small talk and short. I want to show her that I care for her and yet dont want to be up her butt either. Is there something I can do to test the waters to see if I am still relationship material with her? I dont want to cut bait. Ive been married twice before and have never felt this way about anyone before. I feel she is the one, but I also dont want to get sunk. Before her and I broke up- she used to tell me that she felt like she has known me for alot longer than what we have, that her and I and the kids all get along so great-and it surprised her how well, her and I always had fun together no matter what we did. We were great for each other and i think that is what scared her. Too good too fast too soon. So what the heck do I do? I say hi and how are you doing about once a week. I ask her how her kids are doing. Basically I am trying to stay on the radar without pushing myself off it. Advice please?? | |
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| she says she needs space?? How much is enough?
Posted: 8/23/2009 8:45:02 PM | Whatever you decide just keep in mind that there are children getting emotionally traumatized by your confusion. Its no longer just about what you and her wants but what is good for the kids as well. When you bring a child into this world you bear A LOT of responsibility.
Good luck. | |
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| she says she needs space?? How much is enough?
Posted: 8/23/2009 8:56:08 PM | OP... you already know that moving in together for the sake of convenience was a rather serious mistake but I think it only compounds the one that fails to recognize that she is not far removed from her previous relationship.
In a case where one person in a couple truly "needs space" but still wants the coupleship to go forward, they continue to spend time together. What you're describing is a breakup rather than re-vamping the schedule a bit. Just because one or both are keeping one foot in the pond does not mean that a break-up has not occurred.
It sounds like she does indeed need space but I think it's a euphemism in this case. It sounds more like her "space" has to do with being completely free with no obligations whatsoever.
Someone simply "needing space" doesn't usually look like this. That person will stay invested in moving the relationship forward but try to negotiate some "me" time in the midst of it. If what is confusing you is that you see her as simply "needing space", I think you need to take another look at what is really happening. She has stopped going forward with you... She may have some baggage work to do or she may just not be ready to continue being a wife and homemaker. That being the case, the only thing you can do is accept where she is at and get on with your own life.
See it for what it truly is... a break-up. That will be a good beginning... | |
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| she says she needs space?? How much is enough?
Posted: 8/23/2009 9:04:00 PM | your the rebound guy
do you know most relationships do not even pass the 8th month test?
when the oohs and ahhs and were so alike and compatible starts to turn into
all those little irritating things that drive each other nuts
goals and ideals that seem to be the same, become noticeably diffrent
arguments small but significant
sex not such the big wow anymore
so i ask you this....
since you knew you were the rebound guy after a 5 year relationship
why would you put your self in that position for some fast, furious, sex?
rebound is all about regaining confidence, a process of rebirth, finding one self...
women and men rarely EVER stay with the rebound person..
every one knows that... YOU knew that...
and you dragged your kids in it, SHE dragged her kids in it..
children get attachment disorders just from this kind of relationships
now, they have to pull the heart away
they have to SEE you pull your heart away from the person you thought you
loved, that makes them scared, lonely, abandoned, angry...
YOU cared for a person that is true but
(even though that person was in a evolving transition, you have to realize the person you met, does not even exist anymore)
$$$$$$
hard lesson to learn
but know this, children can give their hearts and give their hearts
but each time it is stepped on or taken away... they harden
till one day they do not give it away ever again... they close off...
and it can last even into their adult lives...
no more aunt sally's in your kids life
if you can't make it to the 8th month
then there was never any reason to introduce your kids
cause LONG TERM has got to last through that tough time of rediscovery of
likes and dislikes and should i be with this person, even though the fire is not
as hot as it once was... SEE?
good luck... like i said hard hard lesson to learn
don't do the rebound thing
and don't bring your kids into your dating life, unless it passes the 8th month test
just my opinion after seeing single mothers bring in a new UNCLE jack
after every 4-6 months... and i have to deal with the fall out, from their children
peace
dink | |
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| she says she needs space?? How much is enough?
Posted: 8/23/2009 9:04:28 PM | | so do I just let it all go? as in - not talk to her? Tell her- hey, we had something really good, but I cant deal with this. You werent sure, and it ended us. I have faith, but I need reassuring to keep going. what?? | |
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| she says she needs space?? How much is enough?
Posted: 8/23/2009 9:10:54 PM |
so do I just let it all go? as in - not talk to her? Tell her- hey, we had something really good, but I cant deal with this. You werent sure, and it ended us. I have faith, but I need reassuring to keep going. what??
Let it go. It's a break-up. | |
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| she says she needs space?? How much is enough?
Posted: 8/23/2009 9:12:16 PM | From what you have said, give her total space.
no texts. No calls. No crying confusion from her.
As long as there is some interaction it is awkward, painful and confusing.
Give yourselves a month or two, focus on your kids, focus on YOU.
Give yourselves space from her. Don't let her call you, text you, email you; don't you call her text her or email her either.
Knowing that the space might be permanent, but there is a chance after cleared air and her dealing with her own issues you MAYBE can start over. But she will stay confused and awkward as long as there is no break from the former; because you were still attached to the end of her breakup mindset.
Very very best of luck to you all. Give yourself and your kids an extra big hug. I'm truly sorry. | |
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| she says she needs space?? How much is enough?
Posted: 8/23/2009 9:12:56 PM | | rebound guy- maybe. Sex thing- that wasnt the main thing. We had an actual relationship- did house chores together, did yard and outside stuff together. Went shopping together, etc. Everything couples do- we did. Had fun no matter what we did or didnt do. Thats why this all doesnt make sense to me. This was not your typical rebound. Ive been in those. This one had relationship potential. She even said she didnt want to lose me. So what can I do to find out for sure? To see if I am being strung along, used, if all others fail-im here, type of person. Or if she truly would give us another chance? | |
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| she says she needs space?? How much is enough?
Posted: 8/23/2009 9:13:16 PM |
so do I just let it all go? as in - not talk to her? Tell her- hey, we had something really good, but I cant deal with this. You werent sure, and it ended us. I have faith, but I need reassuring to keep going. what??
Well OP... You've acknowledged that it was a mistake to move in together so fast. It looks like there's every chance that she simply doesn't want to be tied down so I guess the question becomes whether or not, you could handle just dating or being friends with this lady? Can you revert to Square One?
I can tell you honestly that if someone tells me they need space and doesn't make the attempt to define just how much space they want or what we can arrange to make our relationship work better, they get their space.... a whole bunch of it. It isn't to be punitive but there's working on a relationship and not working on it. A person is either working on it or they aren't. I refuse to be in a relationship where I am having to row the boat by myself.
Only YOU know what you are going to be comfortable with... | |
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| she says she needs space?? How much is enough?
Posted: 8/23/2009 9:13:24 PM | | That is up to you. Do you really think that she wants to be with you? If so, then ask her to marry you. You will know for sure then. Be prepared for rejection though. | |
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| she says she needs space?? How much is enough?
Posted: 8/23/2009 9:39:59 PM | space means space...back off awhile and see if how things go from there. Be cool, stay friendly, call less.
When and if she is ready, she will come around to you.
I caution you though, you don't forget about the man in the mirror. Your feelings are important too. If at any point you no longer want to be on the back burner doing the slow burn...then move forward and go meet people. | |
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| she says she needs space?? How much is enough?
Posted: 8/23/2009 9:56:36 PM | | Im trying to stay friendly. I dont bring up -hey, lets try again- stuff. Just ask her how she is doing and how the kids are doing. I have contact with her about once a week, and usually thats all I say- how ya doing? I would like to say-hey- we need to atleast try- give me some kind of assurance here- or see ya | |
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| she says she needs space?? How much is enough?
Posted: 8/23/2009 10:05:19 PM | The two of you moved in together much too fast. Now she feels like she rushed into something she's not ready for.
Sorry, but I really don't know what you're thinking when there are very young children involved or children under the age of 18.
What do you do? You do nothing. | |
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| she says she needs space?? How much is enough?
Posted: 8/23/2009 10:10:31 PM | OP;
it seems literally almost every post in here says to cut contact for a while... let things settle, and tend to your kids while she gets her head on straight...
For your own sake and for hers...
You are asking for advise. Are you asking for advise or are you asking for validation on what you're doing? Because I think what you are doing is making it worse, not better, honestly.
She is confused. She says she is confused. When she talks to you she talks as if she is confused. So how does keeping in constant contact make anything better?
It doesn't. It is making it harder for her to get closure from her original relationship; which is binding you to the relationship she rebounded to you from.
Give her time and yourself. It will not only get her a chance to get her head on straight; it will give her a chance to appreciate what you gave to her, when you aren't there all of a sudden. Absense sometimes truly does make the heart grow fonder.
But even if it doesn't, BOTH of you can clear your heads.
I know it's not what you want to hear. But it's what you need to hear, at least in my very humble opinion. | |
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| she says she needs space?? How much is enough?
Posted: 8/23/2009 10:35:06 PM | | why do you keep saying "Her and I"? it's She and I. anyway you have a bad track record with two marriages and divorces on your plate. sounds like you rush into things too quickly which could explain the two marriages. also you were ALWAYS together and did EVERYTHING together? sheesh, no wonder the poor woman needs some space. i'd get sick of you too if you spent every minute with me. everyone needs some alone time. although sometimes when someone says they need some *space* what it really means is that they have someone else who they are seeing. at least that is what someone told me once. | |
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| she says she needs space?? How much is enough?
Posted: 8/23/2009 10:44:43 PM | How much is enough?
Well, that's kind of tough to answer without a little more information.
Generally speaking, every individual person's comfort zone is highly variable, making it a challenge to measure concisely. However, people who study these kinds of things estimate optimumal personal space at approximately 24.5 inches (60 centimeters) on either side, 27.5 inches (70 centimeters) in front and 15.75 inches (40 centimeters) behind.
My personal formula for space involves factoring a couple additional hectares into that equation for each time the other person in my immediate proximity has been married.
Her mileage, of course, may vary. | |
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| she says she needs space?? How much is enough?
Posted: 8/23/2009 10:47:44 PM | I don't think it's a break up, I don't think either of you want a break up.
I think it's just a growth period.
Like a couple of posters that I do agree with said, you're both a bit clingy at the moment in spite of yourselves. She because she's just got out of a relationship and her natural instinct is to make you the rebound summer love guy that gets dropped off after she gets her head together. And you because of your track record, you sound a bit invasive.
I'd suggest trying to start off fresh, put to her the idea of a new page. Start dating living separately, just a couple of times a week and take it slow. Have a week off dating here and there. Try to keep a handle on your base emotions, meter them, dish out your passion in small doses. Buy a bunch of flowers or a bottle perfume instead of spending every moment chasing her around the house, redirect the sentiment somewhere a little more easy going.
And be prepared to walk away feeling happy if that becomes the thing to do.
Wear the big daddy shoes in your relationship with yourself. | |
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| she says she needs space?? How much is enough?
Posted: 8/24/2009 12:16:57 AM | Just say... "Take ALL the time you need. Why dont YOU call ME when you figure out what you want"
and then say "Talk to you soon" and after that.. do NOT take her next 4 calls.. do NOT call her.. do NOT respond in any fashion. STOP calling her. Break all contact.
If she wakes up, she'll beg you to give HER another chance. If she doesnt wake up to what you are believing is "true love" after 3 friggen months.. then it was a fantasy.
Oh.. not to split hairs but.. you are 37 and dont know it's SHE and I.. not HER and I? Her goes nowhere.. SHE goes somewhere.. to see HER.
If you dont know grammar.. you think you know LOVE?? OMGawd | |
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rune3
| | Joined: 7/13/2006
Msg: 19 | |
| she says she needs space?? How much is enough?
Posted: 8/24/2009 12:20:31 AM | I'd ask her if she would consider starting over. Moving in together so fast was a joint mistake - but it seems like it's not necessarily the absolute end of the relationship. Rather than try to get back to where you were, look at going on from here. Make sure she knows that you are looking at it this way rather than trying to push her into taking things back to how they were. Don't be the anxious "do you like me more now?" puppy. When you are thinking it, it comes across in everything you do, even if you aren't voicing those exact words. She's special to you so let the dynamic between you be what it is and see where things naturally go, without pressure.
When you spend a lot of time with someone, small annoyances that you would feel stupid to voice "damp towels on the floor again!" add up and can make you feel ready to explode at them, over an accumulation of things that are embarrassingly petty and which you feel you shouldn't mind about, but do. Choosing to not express the annoyance builds up stress and can cause problems of stress related illness; not to mention feelings of irritation against the repeat offender. Yelling at someone who is gentle-natured and eager to please, as you seem to be, is rather like kicking puppies and people will try to avoid it, but there will still reach a point where something has to be done, something has got to give.
If the back to the beginning & dating (maybe once a week) approach doesn't work, you may have to admit that much as you like each other, you aren't actually compatible and that being in a relationship won't lead to mutual happiness, but to mutual misery. | |
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| she says she needs space?? How much is enough?
Posted: 8/24/2009 12:26:21 AM | op, I tend to agree that you are the rebound guy, even though you may feel that this time it's different, that this time you had an actual relationship. But the fact is that it's only been 6 months since the 5 years relationship, and that suggests to me that she is likely still recovering.
Now after 3 months with you, she is having doubts. If she feels the same way as you do, she wouldn't be asking for space. You were great together and the kids got along well so she doesn’t want to turn you down cold, but she also probably doesn't want to go forward with you. That's why she says she feels lost and confused.
It sucks, but everything points to you being the rebound guy. It's going to be hard, but do give her space. There is nothing more you can do. She has to work out the answers on her own, but experience tells me that when someone says they want space, it is the beginning of the end - sorry to say.
Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Imo, it's best that you be mentally aware that there is a good chance that you will lose/have lost her. I would also suggest that you reduce your calling and texting, with the goal to cut all contacts eventually (and quickly). Treat it as if this is a breakup, because that's really what it looks like.
Good luck. | |
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| she says she needs space?? How much is enough?
Posted: 8/24/2009 1:19:32 AM | When you decided to move in...it would have been nice to have a short but sweet ceremony of both of you deleting your dating profiles on ALL sites you both have accounts on...it's not a real good idea to move in only after 90 days of knowing each other either...but it happens more than you know. Apparently..SHE still had her profile up on a few and found someone online that she would like to meet .....she met him...she liked him ..
and now finds the hard part is....to get some SPACE between you and you know who..
The question is....is she mature enough to handle a relationship? Even though she has been in a relationship before...and there has been some past issues about cheating.
I feel that if she feels the need to cheat now....than she is not mature enough to handle a long term relationship.
Yeah it does hurt but then....when a woman brings a man in her life with kids in tow...and get's all froggy about it so soon...it's not healthy for those kids to be brought up in that kind of environment. It's the kids that get's hurt too in this...
all because SHE can't make up her mind on what man she wants to spend time with..
Selfish isn't it? | |
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LTL73
| | Joined: 8/20/2009
Msg: 22 | |
| she says she needs space?? How much is enough?
Posted: 8/24/2009 6:33:02 AM | As hard as it may be to realize, you have to back off. Send her subtle messages via email, or text messages. Do not do this very often, just an occassional reminder that she is on your mind. Give her the space she needs and wants and if it is meant to be and there is enough 'glue' between you, then she will come back.
If you persist in trying to change her mind or 'make her see it your way' then you will lose her for good. Hard to do I know and trust me, I have had a similar experience and it felt like a knife was thrust to the core of my soul.
Try to keep your mind off it, spend as much time with your son as possible. Surround yourself with the things that make you happiest and time will ease the hurt. She stands the chance of losing you as well. If it is true love, stay open towards her and wait for her return.
LL | |
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| she says she needs space?? How much is enough?
Posted: 8/24/2009 6:35:09 AM | Am I the only one that seems to think she's already moved on, but keeping you hanging, in case the grass really isn't any greener on the other side? She was just out of a 5 year relationship, she jumped into living with you 'out of convenience' (hers I presume) moves out - but keeps the lines of communication open - but you're not actively dating . . . Seems to me, you're the safety net. How do you feel about that?  | |
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| she says she needs space?? How much is enough?
Posted: 8/24/2009 7:11:27 AM | OP: Space means space -preferably lots of it! Doesn't matter whether she's just confused or has met someone else - she needs you gone right now!
I've been where you are! Realistically - the most you have right now is that she may want you around later. If you keep yourself up in her face - even with nothing more than weekly calls - she'll eventually push you all the way out.
Time to man up and move on OP. It's the only chance I see that might make you able to have something with this girl later. Even if you don't get her back after moving on - at least you are making yourself available for something better to come into your life instead of just hanging around making you and her both miserable!
Cheers. | |
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| she says she needs space?? How much is enough?
Posted: 8/24/2009 9:38:12 AM | Generally I'd say when a woman says "I need space", it's because she's got another guy lined up. I don't think that's the case this time. She's emotionally burned out, and frankly her youngguns should be her first priority.
I'd keep contacting her like you are, say once a week or so. I also suggest that you emotionally detach yourself as best as you can from this woman. She isn't emotionally available to you, so your best action I think is to go out and seek other women who are more emotionally available. That will put everything in proper perspective for you. Continue to be this woman's friend, and I suggest telling her that you are going to date other women. Not to throw that in her face, but that gives her the chance to establish whether or not she really wants "space" from you. Gives her a shot to earn your trust again.
Good luck!  | |
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