| 4 months and I still have not seen his home
Posted: 8/24/2009 3:29:28 PM | Before I start I realize that there are 2 sides to every story and will attemt to tell the unvarnished truth.
I know that some bias is natural,please forgive me in advance.
Spent a long time emailing and talking on the phone( emailing about 6 weeks and talking anther 3 before we met) with a guy who I thought showed great promise. Did and still like him very much. He restored my faith in integrity,and honesty in relationships and if possible wanted to take it slower than me,although in different ways.
Our first date lasted a week although sex wasnt introduced until probably day 5, I'll explain if you wish. Suffice it to say I thought it was perfect.
Since then (May I believe) we've spent 5 days on our second date and 3 on the third. It got a little more normal time wise after that. We talk almost every day and there seems to be a very special connection, but here's the big issue.
He refuses to let me see his home and acts as if it's a minor detail that I shouldn't be concerned about. He's spent weeks at my home. I have waited outside his apartment for 3 hours in my car when we traveled to Canada together.The reason he gave was that I was too distracting. He live about an hour and a half away and when I've gone there he waits outside or meets me somewhere else.
I've been through a lot in my life and like to think that I treat the fears and worries of others with respect. I know I have some crazy pecadillioes But it's the end of August and I still haven't been to his home.
It has caused me a lot of hurt and confusion and truthfully as of yesterday I blocked his phone and email.
It has been a stumbling block I can't get over.I'm fairly certain it's not a wife or a live in of any kind but.....
What are some thoughts?
I am pretty sure this man loves me but I was sure a husband loved me for 20 years and he was picking up gay prostitutes.
I don't trust my judgment and need some help. | |
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| What to do,What to do?
Posted: 8/24/2009 3:34:25 PM | | All anyone can do is guess as to why he's behaving this way but yes, it's a big flashing red warning light that he would make you wait 3 hours in your car rather than see inside his apartment. I wouldn't even consider spending more time with him until this issue gets resolved. | |
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Posted: 8/24/2009 3:36:25 PM | Huge red flag. It was a big issue.
I don't know why you'd think that a man who refused to allow you into his home restored your faith in integrity, and honesty in relationships. He was hiding something, he was dishonest, and he made you feel a lot of hurt and confusion.
You have no idea what he was hiding. | |
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Posted: 8/24/2009 3:37:33 PM | Hi Annie,
I see you are a piscean. We give our hearts so easily, don't we?
Have you actually asked him openly WHY he won't invite you over to his home? Who does he live with : family, mates?
You see, I feel tempted to break one large prejudice here. Man inviting you to his home and introducing you to his parents does not vouch to his commitment intentions really. My last boyfriend introduced me to his parents and friends soon after we started off and it turned out eventually that he was just a player... and quite a selfish and mean person.
You have two options:
- to ask him openly and trust his answer
- to spy around a little, talk with his friends... investigate.. it may save you a lot of time.
Good luck! | |
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| What to do,What to do?
Posted: 8/24/2009 3:40:14 PM | "Since then (May I believe) we've spent 5 days on our second date and 3 on the third."
Those are some really long second and third dates!
I can understand spending 5 days together when you go away on a vacation with a person you have known for a while, but a 5 day second date is over the top IMHO. | |
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Posted: 8/24/2009 3:47:43 PM | Hi Annie,
Well I am sorry that you met this great guy and he has issue about his house. Of course it would make you wonder, sheesh ... what could you expect.
I just would like to give you a couple of thoughts on this though. I have seen everything, being in real estate for many years. There are people who you would NEVER know by meeting them what their place looks like ... holy crap, and I do mean crap .. all over the place. It can take thousands of dollars to clean some of the places enough just to get them presentable to let a dog roam though, let alone a buyer.
I have a very good friend who lives in the states, he is such a nice guy, smart and has allot going for him. But he had gotten sick, and was unable to look after his home for a number of years. I heard that the halls were so jammed with newspapers, and such it was only a narrow path way to walk through. He would like to date so much but is not able to bring anyone into his home. He is trying to get it sorted out but wow it is just too much for him.
So yes there are two sides to every story, maybe he just can't tell you what is really going on. Do you know if he has or is on medication? Depression is a big cause for not being able to keep a place tidy. Clutter can also be a disabling ... I don't know if the word is addition but some people can not throw anything out ...
Op There could be a number of reasons. I guess you two were just not close enough for him to be able to tell you. Shucks.
Savona | |
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| What to do,What to do?
Posted: 8/24/2009 3:54:01 PM | | The fact that he would have you wait outside his place for 3 hrs because you "distract" him??? The fact that you would do this...yikes! | |
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| What to do,What to do?
Posted: 8/24/2009 3:54:34 PM | A huge malodorous RED FLAG.
He is obviously hiding something. We can speculate, posit and presume all we
want about what that might be, but what is obvious is something he is NOT
telling you.
You can snoop around, you can ditch him, you can give him one chance to come
clean and then make the decision to ditch or stay, or you can continue on status quo.
What other options are there?
I'm smelling something and it sure as heck ain't coffee. | |
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Posted: 8/24/2009 3:55:24 PM | | Serial killer. He has skeletons in his closet and in his hallway. If you don't escape NOW you are next. | |
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| What to do,What to do?
Posted: 8/24/2009 3:56:19 PM | OP... Am I correct in understanding that he made you wait three hours in a car? Outside his home??? Did not invite you in, offer you some coffee while he did whatever had to be done?... WTF
I would have left. I try sooooo hard to be on time and to make sure I meet deadlines... To me it is a complete disrespect...
The fact that he made you wait three hours angers me more than the fact that he would not let you inside his apartment. I gather you know where he lives so what gives?
It could be something as silly as he being a messy messy man. Who knows...
I agree with an other poster. Since you seem to be getting attached, it is best to resolve this issue.
By the by... you sure have long dates???
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Posted: 8/24/2009 4:01:42 PM | It should be fairly obvious, he's married.
To a gay prostitute. With pet armidillios.
know I have some crazy pecadillioes
Sorry! I mean pet pecadillios... do those bite? | |
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| What to do,What to do?
Posted: 8/24/2009 4:02:08 PM | He could be a hoarder. Some people have homes that are so packed with stuff they can barely walk around and are deathly afraid of others finding out.
You should unblock him OP. You seem to care a great deal for him. You should ask him what it is IN his home that he doesn't want you to see.
I think you probably have asked him this but failed to explain his answer in this forum.
The one thing I want to address with you was your willingness to sit outside of his apartment for three hours. You could have gone to a cafe or something. I just think you are not treating yourself very kind and blaming him. | |
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Posted: 8/24/2009 4:04:26 PM |
He could be a hoarder. Some people have homes that are so packed with stuff they can barely walk around and are deathly afraid of others finding out
Like that dude in "Se7en" ??
You should ask him what it is IN his home that he doesn't want you to see
We've already solved that mystery... his gay prostitute husband and his pet pecadillios. | |
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Posted: 8/24/2009 4:05:16 PM |
What are some thoughts?
* That he's a weirdo.
* He might be packing some large freezers with body parts strategically placed inside.
* He could be a horrendous housekeeper.
* He might have a collection of old vinyls he doesn't want you to touch.
* He might be harboring a wife, husband or various farm animals.
* It might not have been his place in the first place... (insert singing here) He might have slipped out the back Jack....make a new plan Stan....you don't need to be coy Roy but seriously....
* Get yourself free OP .... there must be 50 ways to leave your lover!
He's a weirdo! | |
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| What to do,What to do?
Posted: 8/24/2009 4:08:54 PM | Awww Annie
Baby you know what the answer is and I know that you know it's gonna hurt to hear it...
You did right by blocking him...you're doing all the traveling back and forth and this guy won't offer you a look inside? Even if his house looks like ass, put you up in a hotel or something.
No sweetie...your judgement is on the nose and you just don't want to admit it. It's ok...we all have issues.
If he's willing to be honest with you and tell you then good...if not...move one. | |
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Posted: 8/24/2009 4:11:07 PM |
Serial killer. He has skeletons in his closet and in his hallway. If you don't escape NOW you are next.
This was my first thought. 
He could be a hoarder. Some people have homes that are so packed with stuff they can barely walk around and are deathly afraid of others finding out.
I once dated a guy like this. I never saw his home. Tis one of the many reasons why the relationship didn't last... | |
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Posted: 8/24/2009 4:15:42 PM | | dude, this blows! i said this chick was fat on here about a month ago, which she was, and now i can't start threads. no more talking of my studliness, no more comic relief, no more good threads. this blows. i'm just gonna hijack other topics when i have an idea. y'all love me! | |
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Posted: 8/24/2009 4:16:51 PM | "dude, this blows! i said this chick was fat on here about a month ago, which she was, and now i can't start threads. no more talking of my studliness, no more comic relief, "
The thing is, no body thinks you're funny except you.
I read your back posts and I know what I'm talking about. | |
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| What to do,What to do?
Posted: 8/24/2009 4:25:45 PM | The OP is fairly certain that he is not married. Or has a live in. And she was married to a guy who turned out to be gay.
So lets see the top ten things he was hiding { letterman style }:
10. A shrine to Bill O'Reilly
9. Being A New York Mets fan
8. Being A Detroit Lions fan
7. His entire apartment is littered in Star Trek memorabillia
6. No matter how much he tried, he still can't make his bed
5. He doesn't do dishes
4. Hiding the urine samples of pro major league baseball player who tested positive for PED's ( performance enhancing drugs )
3. His apartment is used as a studio for making internet porn movies
2. He's hiding his identity as the creator of POF
and number 1 thing he is hiding in his apartment
A high stakes poker game between Elvis, Michael Jackson, Tupac Shakur, Christopher Wallace, Fidel Castro and Osama bin Laden.
But seriously, some people like to keep their personal space, personal. If thats your major sticking point, and you cant let it go, then let it go.
But maybe, just maybe, you might want to stick around til he's comfortable enough to allow you into his private bat cave. And it might be just as innocent as that.
Of course, in this life, we have a tendency to end up being with someone who is just like our ex. So he might be gay. But you'll never know unless you communicate with him. Which is what every person should do. | |
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Posted: 8/24/2009 4:27:30 PM | Sandorb...
I went to banned camp because of you...but it's nice to know that the mods meted out fair justice to you.
You can try and hijack other threads if you desire...you'll end up getting bounced completely.
Then where will you be with your studliness....(cough, cough)? | |
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| What to do,What to do?
Posted: 8/24/2009 4:29:46 PM | | I would confront the guy. If he still refuses to introduce you to the outside world (instead of treating you like you're radioactive) I would ditch him. Chances are he's married, ashamed of you, or a wanted criminal. He has humiliated you enough. | |
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| What to do,What to do?
Posted: 8/24/2009 4:30:33 PM | jealousy is the highest form of flattery.
thank you all. it's nice to be back with my flock. | |
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