| Manners when asking for Messenger ID
Posted: 8/25/2009 8:04:18 PM | Ok...I hope this may doesn't labeled as redundant topic, but just wanted to gather opinons about this situation...Not gonna name any names, but I got email from a guy today...First contact ...He said something to the effect...Do you got Messenger ID ? Let's Chat? Well for me my Messenger ID is reserved for people I know really well...If I gave out my Messenger ID to everyone that emailed me it would be so full I'd never keep anyone straight or be able to find anyone. Anyway, my response to the guy was that I didn't give out my Messenger ID on a first contact and usually I got to know someone REALLY well before doing that. I also made comment I thought it was bad manners to ask for it so quickly without knowing anything about me and first having conversation thru POF...afterall that's what the site is for...I do know alot of ladies I've met on dating sites and in real life that feel the same way I do about asking for messenger id up front so quickly...they feel that is personal information not priviledged to practically strangerst...Okay so after I told him I thought it was bad manners here was his reply
"get over yourself, you are no princess....just a person"
More bad manners...What did I do wrong to deserve a comment like this? Why do women have to put up with this stuff? You would think guys would wisen up and learn...I wrote him a letter to let him know I was doing him a favor by letting him know some people may consider it bad manners...why is the rude response necessary? | |
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| Manners when asking for Messenger ID
Posted: 8/25/2009 8:18:19 PM | | I am skeptical of guys that offer a yahoo ID upon their 1st message. In my experience they are nigerian scammers using a proxie. I limit my reponse to emails to men that are local and we can actually meet. Only after we have met. do I give them my email addie. | |
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| Manners when asking for Messenger ID
Posted: 8/25/2009 8:40:44 PM | I'm going to disagree. I hate the email exchange and would much rather chat on IM. For me, I can get a feel if I'd like to progress from the conversation.
So, I would say this is a matter of preference rather than manners. | |
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| Manners when asking for Messenger ID
Posted: 8/25/2009 8:51:28 PM | How do I ask this without sounding mean? OP: are you new to the Internet?
He asked you for the IM, not your street address. Get over it. It's not THAT big of a deal. Most people rather dislike trying to carry on real time conversations via email. It's slow and annoying actually.
Most of the women I have talked with (for more than one or two emails) have given me their IM without prompting. The fact you're making such a huge deal out of it would be a giant red flag for me - enough of a red flag I'd probably cut communications, wish you the best of luck and move on.
Stop acting like your IM is a sneak peak at your credit report or access to you bank account - it's really not that "secret."
Secondly, you do realize that you can delete and block users from talking to you again, no? If you're not interested in someone, simply telling them typically causes them to withdraw and cease further communications. You simply delete their contact. If they still keep at it - you simlpy block their contact. It's that simple.
He shouldn't have insulted you in his reply - but he's probably think the same thing I KNOW tons of readers are thinking.... "is she serious?" | |
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| Manners when asking for Messenger ID
Posted: 8/25/2009 9:06:04 PM | | I have no idea, but are you able to create multiple Messenger ID's? I think I would have just said something like " I don't have Messenger ID " or something to that. Then something polite to keep convo going for a bit. Also I think guys are tired of hearing women talking about how they "got 180 emails today" or "I've got 685 people on my friends list", etc. Lastly, I wouldn't take it too personally. There are other fish. | |
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| Manners when asking for Messenger ID
Posted: 8/25/2009 9:11:37 PM |
More bad manners...What did I do wrong to deserve a comment like this?
Even though a lot of guys prefer IM to email, its understandable not to give out your IM account to just any random person on the Net; it's similar to having some random person on the street asking you for your number. However, was it necessary to tell the guy that you feel that it was bad manners? Could you have just told him that you prefer to chat via email first? | |
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| Manners when asking for Messenger ID
Posted: 8/25/2009 9:44:05 PM | Cinsav, you can see the date i joined POF next to my picture here...I am not a newbie to the internet however it never ceases to amaze me that a guy will get rude with me because I wouldn't give out my Messenger ID....Always baffles me and is aggrivating especially since I didn't initiate the contact.
All my friends on dating serves do not hastily give out Messenger ID's so quickly. That is female and male friends...So when prior poster says "Most" people prefer this to email I have not found this to be the case...none of the people I've met hastily give messenger id's out...and it does not offend me at all...
NOTE TO ALL: Please pardon my typos above. I typed this thread a bit late and my fingers and brain not in sync tonight and I did not catch them in time to edit them. | |
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| Manners when asking for Messenger ID
Posted: 8/25/2009 9:48:27 PM |
I'm going to disagree. I hate the email exchange and would much rather chat on IM. For me, I can get a feel if I'd like to progress from the conversation.
So, I would say this is a matter of preference rather than manners.
I'm going to disagree with your disagreement. But only on the timing.
I would much rather chat “real time” as well. But, I think it is bad form to ask for it on a first contact.
We guys are rarely (if ever) plagued with vulgar sexual comments from interested persons…but I would say that many (or most) women on here get more than they desire.
Deleting emails is one thing...but once they have your IM.......
I threw it out after about a half dozen emails recently to a potential pal and “poof”….
I’ll not be doing it again soon.
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| Manners when asking for Messenger ID
Posted: 8/25/2009 9:50:39 PM | | Excuse me, but I'd have handled HIM a bit 'differently'. In his TACKY response to NOT GETTING HIS WAY, I'd have informed him that you are indeed NOT a princess but a QUEEN. I would have ALSO brought to his 'attention' that you were, as a MATTER OF FACT a 'person' also who deserves to be RESPECTED. On the OTHER HAND, he was a SLIMY COMMON TOAD and his INFANTILE tantrum of insults could promptly be SHOVED up his A$$ SIDEWAYS !!! It IS rude and presumptuous to THINK that a woman would just HAND OVER her IM address to waste time on SOMEONE like HIM after an obtuse, VERY BRIEF correspondence. Obviously he showed his TRUE COLORS immediately, and lucky for you that you didn't spend any more TIME on his NONSENSE !!! After that is said, the best form of getting your 'point across' is to simply IGNORE him for the duration. I don't get many of these ADULT BABIES and tend to not block people, but when I am messaged by one of that 'TYPE', I just WIPE OUT all of the messages without reading them. When he checks his 'mail', he will see that the message was DELETED WITHOUT BEING READ. The best way to take charge and diffuse an IMBECILE like that, is to pretend he doesn't EXIST, which all in all is NOT hard to do with an immature, EGO MANIACAL, impotent, JERK OFF. ~scowls and brandishes a sledge hammer~ | |
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| Manners when asking for Messenger ID
Posted: 8/25/2009 10:35:57 PM |
What did I do wrong to deserve a comment like this?
You took it upon yourself to correct his manners unasked, as if you were his mother. Here, you are asking, otherwise I wouldn't tell you (at least, not in so many words): that is incredibly rude.
I do think he should have offered you his Messenger ID instead of asking for yours. However, that's a pretty fine point. Either way, you could have just said, "No, thank you." Wouldn't that have been easier anyway? | |
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| Manners when asking for Messenger ID
Posted: 8/25/2009 11:09:49 PM | I strongly disagree with you Helen...I know LOTS of ladies that would have been far more extreme in pointing out his poor social graces...I strongly disagree with your adjective of "incredibly " rude ...that's totally blown out of perspective and wayyy over exagerated....
Apparently his mother didn't teach him manners or he forgot them...
I have in past ignored or simply said " I don't give my messenger out so quickly" and left it at that , but every once in while I point out it is bad manners when you've just had 1 too many emails like this...I would never email someone so quickly asking for messenger id so quickly... | |
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| Manners when asking for Messenger ID
Posted: 8/25/2009 11:16:11 PM | | Why not just create an IM account specifically for this purpose? I dont give any of my personal identifying until I know the person better. But, I have to agree that chatting is more productive versus just emailing. | |
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| Manners when asking for Messenger ID
Posted: 8/25/2009 11:54:12 PM | The rude response wasn't necessary. I don't like to give my IM out either. I think you did the right thing.
The problem I encounter is that men don't want to have an intelligent conversation with instant messenger. They always have to start thinking with their little heads(between their legs) and talk about sex. | |
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| Manners when asking for Messenger ID
Posted: 8/26/2009 4:04:04 AM | I just tell guys straight up "I don't give out my IM, so get to know me the way this arena was set up, or find another fish." I like emailing better than IM. It's just a faster way of textng, so why not just get to know the person, and then talk on the phone. Emailing/texting is too impersonal which is why guys have an easier time doing it, or writing sexually explicit crap which is why women have stopped being nice about IM.  | |
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| Manners when asking for Messenger ID
Posted: 8/26/2009 4:42:41 AM | wait a minute. did he really say, "do you GOT messenger id?"
my answer would have been "i ain't got no messenger id!" and that would have been the end of him. but that's beside the point.
on to your question. really, this guy had absolutely no idea what your personal rules for IM are. for most people, IM is just an easy preference over email, not something they don't do unless they know someone REALLY well. so for you to say that he had "bad manners" because he asked to IM you is ridiculous. no wonder he made the princess comment. so to answer your question.... THAT'S what you did to "deserve" a comment like that. see it? and furthermore, the reason you have to "put up with this stuff" is because you're on the internet. so put on your big girl pants and get used to it.
you should understand that, based on what you've said so far, your prissy manner is likely to lead people in many cases to believe that you think you're not only a princess, but probably have a sense of entitlement too.
last but not least, you should also understand that people you're in contact with on the internet have absolutely NO knowledge of your personal IM rules and protocols; and therefore, they cannot possibly be "rude" if they ask to IM you; and therefore, it is inappropriate for you to insult them by calling them "rude" when they had no intention in the world of offending you.
so hey, get over yourself a little bit.
also i have to add: from your perspective, there's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to get into an IM session with some guy on the internet. i don't blame you one bit for that! wow, especially those pervy cretins with all the panache & grammar skills of your average neanderthal. and yes there are a lot of them out there and they really like IM (and hopefully a webcam too) because email just interferes too damn much with their wanking off to your chat, lol. but if you don't want to IM somebody, either tell him that straight up and just let it go, or if you really feel the need to explain you can say that your IM address is only for friends & family. the end. | |
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| Manners when asking for Messenger ID
Posted: 8/26/2009 5:07:36 AM | Heck forget about Messenger ID, I usually go for a phone number..
She can always say NO, and that would be OK, with me, I would just wait until she is more comfortable.
However, if she starts lecturing me about it, telling me how rude of me not knowing HER rules, and not following HER etiquette, I would told her the same thing.
Because if she making unasked comment about me, telling me that I am rude, that gives me a right to tell her, that not everyone follows HER rule.
I become quite good friends with some who gave me her number after a first email. | |
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| Manners when asking for Messenger ID
Posted: 8/26/2009 5:17:56 AM |
my answer would have been "i ain't got no messenger id!" and that would have been the end of him. but that's beside the point.
That made me LOL. | |
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| Manners when asking for Messenger ID
Posted: 8/26/2009 6:12:02 AM |
I strongly disagree with you Helen...I know LOTS of ladies that would have been far more extreme in pointing out his poor social graces...I strongly disagree with your adjective of "incredibly " rude ...that's totally blown out of perspective and wayyy over exagerated.... Apparently his mother didn't teach him manners or he forgot them... I have in past ignored or simply said " I don't give my messenger out so quickly" and left it at that , but every once in while I point out it is bad manners when you've just had 1 too many emails like this...I would never email someone so quickly asking for messenger id so quickly...
I have to disagree I have been on the internet since 1998 and it's no big deal to add someone their IM. If you don't like the person you can go invisible mode on him or block him. It's not a phone number or address I don't see the big deal. People ask me for my IM ID often. I rarely ask for theirs. I don't longer use it and had it closed so I just tell them I don't use it. I tell them if they want to chat with me in real time I am more than happy to chat on irc.
At your age you should not make a big deal. I used to have around 250 to 300 people on my list, no big deal. Yes there's perverted out there too so what? I just ignore them. Simple! Email is not enough to get to know someone.
The only people I email are my family and rarely my friends. I rather chat in real time. To me someone not wanting to chat in real time is usually trying to hide something.
I knew some people had over 1000 people on their list. I see this is a no big deal, someone annoys you block or delete them. Is that so hard? hehe
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| Manners when asking for Messenger ID
Posted: 8/26/2009 6:28:21 AM | I'll also have to disagree. I probably would think the same thing..."Like ...what? THis girl is too good for me to give me her messenger ID...?" OK, at the same time I would nowhere near react like this fellow, that right there was a little inappropriate. LOL...LIke one of the previous responses, Its just an IM, it's not an address, and yeah, you must be new to the net, if you find it hard to sort through your friends on your messenger, THEY DO have Groups you can sort all your friends in. Make a group for just POF ppl. THat simple. If you don't like them, there's a block and delete button. GOSH.
Same goes for me, I hate exchanging Messages, and would rather IM, way faster, way easier.
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| Manners when asking for Messenger ID
Posted: 8/26/2009 6:28:29 AM |
.Okay so after I told him I thought it was bad manners here was his reply
"get over yourself, you are no princess....just a person"
More bad manners...What did I do wrong to deserve a comment like this?
You insulted the man by accusing him of having bad manners.
I've had Messenger for 10 yrs and have never had a problem with a stalker. If I don't want to continue chatting with someone I delete them or block them from contacting me.
If I'm interested in communicating with someone I'd rather go to Messenger than send emails back and forth. | |
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| Manners when asking for Messenger ID
Posted: 8/26/2009 6:49:30 AM |
The rude response wasn't necessary. I don't like to give my IM out either. I think you did the right thing.
Her response is what SHE felt.
And...showing him how she felt revealed something about him as well. How nice for her that she didn’t have to trade emails and IM messages for weeks to do so.
Another man may have said…”sorry…I hope you didn’t find it offensive or too forward…blah blah blah” and perhaps he would have still had the down the road opportunity to communicate.
Another man could have appreciated the “teaching moment” not been so pushy the next time around. Many women have responded that they felt it was either too soon or that “they” would have preferred to initiate an alternate form of contact.
The problem I encounter is that men don't want to have an intelligent conversation with instant messenger. They always have to start thinking with their little heads(between their legs) and talk about sex.
If this has truly been your experience without exception....then so be it. Otherwise I'd have been happier with:
"Some men dont"
"Some men always think with...."
or
"all men sometimes think with...."
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| Manners when asking for Messenger ID
Posted: 8/26/2009 6:52:14 AM | | I agree with imo73. I mean I am not much of an emailer on here. And my personal information is not attached to my messenger to begin with. I tend to chat more than email myself. | |
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| Manners when asking for Messenger ID
Posted: 8/26/2009 7:21:12 AM | There is no such thing as right or wrong when asking for someones IM on the first contact. Thats because people have different opinions on it. Some people prefer Instant Messages to email and there is nothing wrong with that, it is just a different form of communication.
You were rude to him by saying it was bad manners for him to ask. So you received a rude response in return. Maybe you can use this as a learning experience for next time. | |
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