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| The "real" problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/28/2009 7:48:09 AM | I definitely think I have this in the correct forum Category. I also think it is a somewhat "new" Topic.
I want to know what people think is the "real" problem with relationships these days.
Is it any of the following or do you have the answer;
Internet Dating
Patience
Narcissism
Greed
Independence
Fear
The economy?
What do you think is a major contributor to our relationship issues?
I personally can only find fault in myself. If I allow any of the above to enter into my concerns or hamper my ability to "connect and stay connected" then I can say that I am to blame as those are but mere outside influences.
So... again, my question is really simple. What is the root cause of the majority of relationship failures today? In your opinion. | |
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| The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/28/2009 8:23:31 AM | | I'm not sure if your emphasis is on "today", as opposed to "good ol' days". I'm usually skeptical when people romanticize the past, especially if they were not even born then. If by "relationship failures" you mean just the number of breakups and separations, the simple reason they have increased over the last decades is the higher social tolerance to being divorced or a single parent. You can't just compare the divorce rates of now and 60 years ago and conclude that people had fewer "relationship failures" back then. The social pressure to stay in a relationship, no matter how dysfunctional, was much larger; nowadays it's much easier to walk away when the sh1t hits the fan or even before. | |
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| The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/28/2009 8:25:45 AM | I think this is a great question, but would leave the word “real” out.
I don’t think we ask ourselves the question or know what makes relationships work. What do people who have loving, committed relationships know that the rest of us don’t know? With most analysis we graph things with a bell curve, when most people fall under the “bell” and of course the exceptions are right or left of the norm. Are the people who have successful relationships in the right or left part or are the people who can’t figure this out there? I think, understanding which part of the curve we live is a good first step. I could write a book on what I have discovered about relationships. My thinking all started with the questions above. So to the OP, don’t make a list of your theories because this limits the mind into thinking or more accurately complaining. This is a question one can ponder for the end of time. | |
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| The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/28/2009 8:43:09 AM | | I think the real problem in relationships/marriages is that people don't hold marriage to the high standard it used to. People don't want to fight and work at their relationship. No relationship is perfect and they take work. Period. | |
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| The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/28/2009 8:49:49 AM | Hi OP....you are spot on in some of your assessments and I can see where some of the things in your list would be of concern.
Internet dating is a wonderful thing for some and a disaster for other reasons. Internet dating makes it possible for people from all over the world to connect with each other, which in and of itself can be a good thing. The negative side, the Internet allows people to paint a blind lie of who they really are and hide things more easily, which can be disasterous.
Patience, yes dating requires patience, this is true. So does anything in life worthwhile. Beings we live in such an instant gratification sort of society, I believe if a person is not 100% fulfilled and satisfied with a relationship it is relativey easy to just disregard that person and move on to the next. Something worthwhile requires time, patience and understanding and for some people these things are not qualities they are inherently born with.
Narcissism...it's own conundrum and quandry. It is a quality many people have and it can be disasterous to any relationship whether romantic or not.
Independence, yes it's true more women are independent, earn their own money (sometimes more than a man), have their own agendas and goals..gone are the days of subservience and male dominance...welcome to the new era of feminism. Women are waiting longer to marry and have a family and are instead focusing on career, life and personal desires, and it can interfere with a romatic relationship.
Fear...divorce rates being what they are...I think everyone harbors a certain amount of fear. However, if people are ever going to move forward it's a good idea to focus on the future, learn from the past and learn from mistakes. We cannot hold others accountable for what some sadist ex did to us in the past or we are truly never going to be able to move forward and participate in a healthy relationship.
The economy??? Not sure how this would factor into the situation other than to say couples fight about money and it is the biggest reason why couples fight, so yes I agree. A man and woman should both have a job and be productive in some manner. Having a job makes me feel good about myself and allows me to contribute to society, both of which makes me feel valued and needed. When in a relationship, I also believe a woman should be able to contribute her share and not be dependent upon someone else for everything. It's a matter of pride and being self-sufficient for me and something I work hard to be able to maintain.
As far as fault, it lies with all parties....everyone makes mistakes and has short comings...we are human, not God. | |
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| The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/28/2009 8:50:20 AM | Great question!
I think it boils down to people not owning themselves or their actions. It that simple. People enter relationships, not really knowing who they are and what their very own fundamental core values are, and therefore are not able to seek like minded people. In this, people forget that they actually have a choice in the matter, and don't accept responsibility when the have made a poor choice. By that time they are so far involved, that it all becomes a mess. They often blame the other person for not meeting their needs, when they never knew what their needs were to begin with, or what there non-negotiable beliefs are.
Healthy relationships are those that are born of two givers, who know what is important to them. No relationship survives with a taker. The whole, concept of: My life is so much better with you in it, and I want to wake every day, to adore you and treat you well. I choose you. To be in my life, and I am responsible for that decision." is not very prevalent in today's society. It more about me, me...while the past is romanticized some, there are practices that have become outdated in raising our children, who then become adults. (By outdated, I am talking about teaching kids responsibility, within themselves and the community. We are raising a bunch of narcissistic children, and teens, who don't know how to handle life's curve balls. The phrases in college are now, Life skill deficient kids... General statement, but applies. The family unit today basically sucks and it has nothing to do with single or intact homes. It's all about responsibility, and adults not acting like adults, and raising kids. This knows no socioeconomic boundaries.)
Just my 2 cents worth. 
T. | |
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| The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/28/2009 8:51:09 AM | Actually I think the problem with romantic relationships today is our constant obsession with finding one.
Plenty of relationships are working...I see couples together all of the time and the majority are NOT single. So I'm going to figure that people are establishing relationships all of the time.
There is nothing wrong with "relationships" but there often are a lot of traits in the persons inside of them that impede their ability to create what we might hold as an ideal relationship.
It's funny, we have this image of a "relationship" that "the one" thing in our minds. We want relationships to have all the good stuff but none of the bad stuff. (humanity just doesn't operate this way--you're in lala land) and we want our relationships to conform to our images of one.
Relationships don't fail. People just drift apart or make proactive choices about their lives and decide they no longer want to share it with a particular person they previously thought they did. What astounds me is how we somehow have demonized each other as a result of making these choices. The message here is "he shouldn't leave me or want to leave me" and "she shouldn't leave me or want to leave me" and we have this huge expectation (which is really a very noble idea) that we can decide an individual's life.
Because of the alternatives to marriage now (something that was frowned upon in the past) we have all kinds of relationships now and that is challenging the insitution of marriage. We also have liberated ourselves from having to commit suicide rather than leave our spouse. Things are easier to leave now and we can make transitions like we never could.
Women now can support themselves and their families so they are less apt to tolerate a husband who causes undue stress to the home or her life. We can leave now. We couldn't do that before.
Marriages aren't failing. The institution of marriage is unfit for today's world. The dictates that it tries to enforce are no longer enforceable. Hell, men don't even have to provide for their children now! They can just walk away. I remember when infidelity was the most egregious crime in family court. Now the judge rolls his eyes and refuses to hear the "he said-she said."
I have witnessed something though that really makes me wonder. So many hate themselves so much. They hate their lives, their failures, and everything they see and do is done through the lens of failure as if it was all their fault, as if they somehow control outcomes.
We don't see the level of commitment today that we used to see because the media doesn't sell us that, doesn't want us to be that way. Think cell phone contracts. There is always a way out. Think about life insurance and how the policies have changed. Everything now is transient and fleeting...no more of this "in it for life" stuff. There really isn't a hell of a lot of support for the long haul.
And if you listen and watch closely on these threads, you'll see it everywhere...the disposability of love and dating and sex. Words like "next" and "move on" and "dump her/him" and these finite type of terms that assist us in navigating our relationships.
There's a lot of money in the "love" arena. And they'll be happy to keep you all wondering, scared, insecure, hopeful, anxious to find that mate. To find an idea that doesn't exist.
Consume love-starved sheep! This is their mantra.
Spend money making yourself pretty. Spend money on cars so that you can get the girl. Spend money to get your penis larger or your vagina smaller. Spend money to get new breasts. No problem, want a divorce? Give me a few thousand and I can make it allll go away. Remarrying? Awesome, you'll need a minivan for the kiddies and dog.
Chaching!
And we all fell for it. | |
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| The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/28/2009 8:55:43 AM | | I don't know that there is a catch-all for all the problems, but I think that 'fear' can be the root of many different symptoms - for example: jealousy - it's fear of losing someone. Internet dating could be about the fear of missing out on the person that clicks with us on 80%, if we commit to the person that we click with on 75%. | |
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| The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/28/2009 9:13:01 AM | Yeah, what they said.
Internet dating: The internet opens up more choices, more options, and thus, more "shopping", "browsing", without really connecting. There's more, but difficult to find quality in quantity.
Patience: Oh, heck yeah--complete lack of patience for anything today. "I want what I want and I want it NOW!" Instant gratification society.
Narcissism: Selfishness. Yep. A relationship is GIVE-and-take. Not TAKE-and-take. A relationship is YOU and me, not ME and me. I want something FROM you? Then I have to give something TO you. Too often, we don't want to (or don't feel we have anything to) give. Then...we shouldn't be in a relationship.
Greed: Lust for MORE. Power, money, love, sex, something greener in the grass across the street. Sure! Greed, like Michael Douglas' ruthless acquirer and then dismantler of corporations Gordon Gecko character says in the movie Wall Street, is "good" in a career sense. In a relationship, unless both can adapt and grow into each other's lust for more, is murder.
Independence: Yeah, we all like doing what we want WHEN we want, "squeezing" each other in for some entertainment diversion. But love is sacrifice, and how much are we willing to sacrifice to be with one another?
Fear: Yep, jealousy is nothing more than fear of loss. If we EMBRACE the possibility of loss, we can conquer that fear, and forge ahead full-bore without holding anything back. Fear of getting hurt. If we EMBRACE the possibility of getting hurt as part of life's experience, it's not so scary anymore, and we can forge ahead full-bore.
The economy: The economy does suck, and it's very difficult to keep a cheerful, happy face and ignore the fact that we may be behind on bills, and not let the economy interfere with our relationship, because economic stress creates relationship stress. Gotta find peaceful time, though. I think we can HELP each other through difficult economic times by being CLOSER and MORE loving. Tough times can create stronger bonds-! If we hold each other tightly, and love fearlessly, we can make it through anything. | |
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| The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/28/2009 9:15:48 AM |
Internet dating could be about the fear of missing out on the person that clicks with us on 80%, if we commit to the person that we click with on 75%.
As a committed married guy with similarly situated friends and family I will say there does seem to be some of that "grass is greener" thing going on - especially since the advent of internet dating.
- And that may be a "problem" or not. Maybe it's a good thing. Perhaps relationships (generally) are being taken to a new level with higher standards. We can't accurately assess today's dating trends until tomorrow. | |
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| The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/28/2009 9:18:53 AM |
What is the root cause of the majority of relationship failures today?
Ooooooh. The ROOT cause.
Here I was ready to get into a spiel about rampant technology changing faster than social values can adopt and adapt, leading to fulfillment of instant gratification and basic human addiction to what makes their life easier.
Not to mention greater, faster, cheaper mobility, information, and communication meaning there isn't a need for people to think before they do. They can do, and then look for ways to justify it. Or at least afford it.
Not to mention increase in government handling things that used to be covered by personal responsibility and/or community. Police, fire, welfare, medicare, medicaid, wic, education, etc.
So who needs a vested interest in a community, when the government will handle it?
Not to mention things like individualization, isolation, and suburban sprawl. People leaving old communities for new ones full of strangers, and they can then turn their backyards into disneyland, as long as their front lawn looks like that of everyone else.
Don't invest into a community with strength of character and will, conform to the community you come to. And then do whatever you want behind close doors. Maintain that facade.
Not to mention movement away from religiously imposed rules towards a more secular model.
I was also going to touch on the dramatic rise of single parents, or kids raised outside of a stable relationship leading to unstable relationships in their future.
One of my main points was going to show that it's pretty basic. Take away all the purpose and reasons for relationships...they then become relatively arbitrary. The types bleed into each other. Incentives are going, and the consequences become greater in a relative way (reward no longer outweighs risk).
Of course all you have left is like god. You can't prove or disprove it. It's a subjective concept. So all the logical reasons to pursue a relationship are slowly eroded, whereas the only thing that is left is the illogical "magical" things that can't really be grasped, you can only have faith in. The thing is there are underlying biological drivers pushing people towards relationships. But that is bad. That is too easy and basic. That isn't magical and special. People want the magical, everything else eroded. So the magical is all that is left.
But you did ask for the ROOT cause. And that's the easiest question to answer.
Here it cooooomes.
What is the root cause of the majority of relationship failures today?
The "root" cause of relationship failure is....people.
The harder an individual persons life is in terms of struggling against something external, the more they rely on relationships for security and to face that struggle.
The easier an individual persons life is in terms of struggling against something external, the less they need to rely on relationships for security and facing that struggle (it's easier to avoid it).
When an individuals life becomes too easy to maintain individually, the only thing left to struggle against is relationships.
That is the root cause, IMO. | |
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| The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/28/2009 9:20:58 AM | So... again, my question is really simple. What is the root cause of the majority of relationship failures today? In your opinion.
Well, it's a very broad question. It depends on million things.
I'll focus on internet dating and what I think the problem might be. Internet actually works dually: it gets people more closer to each other, connects people all over the planet, it's accessible- right from your home/room, you don't even have to step outdoor. On the other hand, it creates one avenue full of quick connections and quicker disconnections, hectic interactions, haughty, con or incomplete people who see internet as a shortcut or excuse for their laziness etc
Nothing really changed in terms of human nature, it's only the means of communication and technology that changed. Human nature: there is still a greater percentage of shallow, lazy and interpersonally exploitative people than hard-working and committed people capable of appreciating those deep and universal human values. The ratio is the same today like it was in the 16th century. Internet only makes it more visible. | |
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| The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/28/2009 9:24:33 AM | OP - I believe I am one of the contributors to the demise of my own personal relationships.
However on a societal level I think many things contribute to the issues within our relationships.
The most succinct reason that I can derive would be The "ME" Generation.
I think the "Me" generation began in the 50's. Moved forward right along with progress, the microwave, instant food products, divorce, the moon walk and NASA, jazz, rock and roll, etc.,
As we all "progressed" and emerged into this "New Age" people - we became more selfish, want more and more immediacy and simplicity rather than taking the time and effort to do something "the RIGHT way".
Our morals and ethics became paper thin and a handshake? No longer trustworthy or a man's word.
A man's word?
When was the last time you could take anything to the bank by basing it on a "man's word"? | |
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| The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/28/2009 9:29:44 AM |
Human nature: there is still a greater percentage of shallow, lazy and interpersonally exploitative people than there is that of hard-working and committed people capable of appreciating those deep and universal human values.
I don't think of myself as shallow, lazy and interpersonally exploitative. It's just that there is a greater percentage of shallow, lazy and interpersonally exploitative person in me than there is hard-working and committed person capable of appreciating those deep and universal human values. It's all the fault of my shallow, lazy and interpersonally exploitative inner child - which I blame on poor upbringing, my shallow, lazy and interpersonally exploitative parents and my horrible experiences with shallow, lazy and interpersonally exploitative women. | |
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| The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/28/2009 9:40:51 AM | The root cause of relationship failure?
I'm not going to throw big words or get all phylisophical.
There will always be many root causes because not only are people not alike that come together but relationships with different people are not alike.
Take for example you and I. Would we have the same relationship As your last- no because I'm not that girl. My behaviors would be different and your reactions to me and my behaviors would be so to the question-
The root cause for every relationship imploding or lasting is different. Depends on the two people involved.
Wow. I can't believe a got through the question. I will no longer be answering your threads. My eyes are on fire. You are entirely too hot. Please change your picture when you post threads. My thoughts are not on "roots" right now. | |
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| The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/28/2009 9:47:03 AM | | IMO, the two biggest factors in failing a relationship? Dishonesty and lack of communication. People lie to themselves about whether or not they have an issue with something and then instead of talking it out, they let it sit and fester until it becomes a huge problem resulting in a big blow out screaming match. Or...they remain passive about it and just walk away because they're tired of it. Seems to me, had they just sat down and talked about it and tried to come up with a solution, the problem wouldnt be there anymore. Of course this doesn't pertain to EVERY relationship.... but I see a lot of them fail because nobody talks about stuff anymore. | |
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| The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/28/2009 9:59:57 AM | I'm trying to decide if 'lack of effort' falls under 'patience' - I think people nowadays seem to have the impression that everything should be effortless. Maybe it's the age of 'instant everything' or that everything comes with a remote control - but people seem inclined to ditch even a productive relationship when it requires even a modicom of effort. Many seem to have the idea that there's someone out there that's better, thinner, prettier, who requires less effort. What many people who are ending relationships fail to realize is that while; yes, there are plenty of people out there who are thin, pretty, smart, easy going - very few if any are going to find THEM 'thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough, etc.' - ergo they wind up on an internet dating site (see countless posts above).
I'm not saying every relationship should be saved (Lord knows I wouldn't take my ex husband back if he came with winning powerball tickets!) but I know that my relationship now is worth working at - and I'm more than happy to make that effort. Thankfully, so is he. | |
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| The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/28/2009 10:05:49 AM | The root problem? Aside from the slide from the garden, post apple...
...fear we will be discovered for who we really are.
Not realizing we are both much more than we dare imagine...
(hence we are afraid of our potential for incredible greatness)
and with equal equanimity
we are capable of far less.
(and we are equally ashamed/afraid of our capacity for horrible evil)
Tension between "good" and "bad",
light and darkness.
Blessing or curse.
What will I do with my choice?
What will you do with the choice?
Blame another for failure because of an external device/person?
Abdicate, and not choose? (thats a choice, and assured failure)?
Choose, and realize self, and greatness?
If we trusted that all provision is already here, all prerequisites have been fulfilled....
but we clamor around waiting for another human, a little green alien, or some stroke of magical=god to do it for us...
would we even recognize the greater promise, and sure provision,
for all the squabbling about the little problems we focus on.
We endlessly argue the pointless pollen count on one little leaf...and miss the galaxy of forests innumerable.
Sorry, OK, ya wanted simple. Communication. With self. Other. Creator/source.
If we were ABLE to be honest here....
these others would not confound. Fear..BAHH!@
Economy...nahhh, thats like the tide.
Patience, Narcissism, Greed? Nope...non-existent in state of authentic community/communion/communication.
LOL its GOTTA be the 'internet!
Yeah, THATS it! BILL GATES IS THE ANTICHRIST of relationship!!!!! | |
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| The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/28/2009 10:44:45 AM | Relationships have allways have had problems ever since the beginning, but people have stuck through them becasue that is just how it was.
Today people have more choices and expectations out of relationships. Due to globalization and women working the dynamics of realtionships have changed. People are just demanding more and not settling for less just becaue they can. Every guy wants to be a king and every woman wants to be a princess. | |
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| The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/28/2009 10:50:18 AM | | I think that the real problem with relationships today is rather simple. We live in a disposable society. If its broke, don't fix it- replace it with something shinny and new! We apply the same ideology to relationships that we apply to our material possessions. | |
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| The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/28/2009 10:53:26 AM | | In my opinion, we are all so worried about 'not needing' someone, and being independant that we close ourselves off from being vulnerable. I guess it is because we are afraid we will be left eventually(exiting marriage is very easy nowadays), and need to know we can stand on our own in case this happens...but the dilemma is how do we allow ourselves to be truly open, and vulnerable, yet not actually 'need' that person. | |
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| The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/28/2009 10:56:56 AM | | Whether today or yesteryear, I've contributed many a relationship/marriage problem to money, but that can perceived in a lot of different ways. A couple may genuinely have serious financial concerns and it takes its toll in stress. One may be frugal (or too much so) while the other may spend too extravagantly which would translate into differing opinions/values. Even some independence issues can be rooted in money. | |
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| The real problem with relationships today.
Posted: 8/28/2009 10:57:48 AM | The root cause of relationship failure is the same has it has been throughout recorded history.
Human beings. We carry our flaws with us, and always have.
To those who mistake relationship failure with the statistical increase in divorce, you are beginning with a flawed hypothesis. In centuries past spouses died, left the county or just moved in with someone else, and it was never recorded as a marital breakup, because such a thing was difficult/impossible/expensive to get. The vast majority of the great unwashed, for millenia never were "legally" married, as we understood it anyway. They shacked up, and called themselves husband and wife. The Scots had a unique response to the whole enterprise called "handfasting" which allowed a couple to live together, for up to two years, or until a child was born, without being officially married. It was treated like being engaged, with benefits. Early colonial America and Canada tolerated similar situations because there was often a long wait of a year or more, until a traveling preacher was available.
I have seen scholarly statistics quoted in the range of 25-30% for this type of relationship breakdown fairly consistently right around the world. If you then add in the fact that pre 1900 up to 25% of relationships ended due to the death of one of the spouses with the first 10 years, you can see where our current high divorce rates come into play. | |
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