| I didn't expect this at all
Posted: 8/28/2009 9:06:38 AM | So, here is my story. About a year ago I met Ony. I fell for her. I mean I really fell in love with this girl. I was in a very bad place in my life before I met her. I'm talking on my way out type of bad. She was seriously, the best thing to EVER happen to me in my life. I've never felt so happy. Things were like magic for the first few months. We both expressed how much we loved each other and it was only very, very good times. I treated her the best I knew how and I truly thought she was the one I was going to be with forever. We never fought or treated each other poorly. It was almost too good to be true. I finally found a chill girl and in a way gave my life meaning and a purpose.
Six-months into our relationship she started to feel like we were drifting apart and that we weren't meant to be together. I was devestated. We broke up right before Valentine's Day. Great timing, right? She still wanted to remain friends and I still loved her so of course I wanted her in my life. Even though we didn't have the "label" of being together things didn't really change all too much. We still hung out all the time, had sex all the time, pretty much like how we were when we were together. It was so damn confusing to me. I wanted to get back together, but she kept resisting. Oh, did I mention I was 26 and she was 19 at the time. This had to have played a huge role in this.
This lasted up until a month ago. We stopped talking for about a month. The other day I text her to let her know my sister is pregnant and it lead to me asking if we could hang out sometime. Then she drops the bomb. "I'd love to hang out as friends, and you know I care about you a lot, but I want to let you know I'm seeing someone." My heart broke all over again. I had to leave work, I felt sick to my stomach. I loved her so much that I held onto the hope that things would work out between us. To know that she is with another guy is just the worst. To make it even more worse is that she tells me he is "Amazing!" and "I can see myself having a future with him." I really can not believe she said that to me. You just don't rub salt in the wound like that. So talked to her a little on the phone and expressed how I felt and the conversation ended not-so-well. I sent her a text and this is what I wrote. " Listen, I've come to terms with this and I'm over it. You know for a fact that we both have feelings for each other. But, it is awkward to be friends and deep down you know that. Good luck with what you are doing and what you have found. This is goodbye". She sent me this following text right away, " Chris, YOU are making it awkward. STOP IT. I have your sweatshirt so maybe in a month or so when you are ready and I am you can come get it, but seriously STOP."
Here I am, a day later and just empty inside. I'm not sure what to make of her last text. Why would she mention the sweatshirt? What does it mean? I said this was goodbye and I meant it. It's like she still wants me in her life or something. I can't be her friend right now. There is no way! She is seeing someone else. Why would I want her in my life anymore? I still am in love with her so I am just so confused and don't know what direction to take. It's so hard for me not to point the finger at myself and wonder just what I did wrong, if anything.
Please, help me out here. I'm not sure what I want people to say or what advice I need, but I just had to write this out and get if off my chest. | |
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| I didn't expect this at all
Posted: 8/28/2009 9:15:07 AM | | She's 19. If she has any brains in her head at all, she will not plan a future with a guy until she's at least 25. You need to meet a new girl and stay away from HS kids. | |
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| I didn't expect this at all
Posted: 8/28/2009 10:37:17 AM | Dude,
I feel for you. I really do.
Sounds to me like she did to you what men usually do to women. She separated from you emotionally but kept you around to fill sex / hanging out needs until she met somebody she liked better. Once she did, you were gonzo.
Somewhere in your relationship she made up her mind that you were not for her. It's harsh, it's brutal... and she did NOT do what was best by letting you go at once... she prolonged the agony by giving you hope when it appears all hope was lost. In your mind, you had a shot still but in hers, she may have had her eye on another at that point, and was figuring out the best way to get him... which she ultimately did.
So... now you're jacked up. ALL men have been in your shoes. It's downright empty, every f#cking song on the radio is a heartbreaking reminder of her choosing another...
All I can say is THE very best thing for you is to lose all contact. DO not drunk dial, do not do drive-bys to get the dude's plates... don't sit and pine for hours while life passes you by.
Here's what you do:
1. Write a letter and get everything off your chest... all the love... all the confusion... all you'd like to say to her. Write it all out. Hang onto it for 1 day, sleep on it, then rip it up and toss it in the garbage.
2. Get jogging, get to the gym, get biking. Start a self-improving regimen. You need the endorphins and the idea that you are bettering yourself every day so you'll come out the other end, no matter how long it takes, a better man for yourself. It's the best favor you can do for yourself.
3. Lean on friends. Do things with them more often. Keep alone time to a minimum. This keeps you busy and your friends will keep your spirits up.
4. Read... learn... do a hobby you've never done before. Stained glass is one I've done, it's a lot of fun and you can make some $$ if you're good at it.
Hang in there. Your best efforts and amount of love for her does not guarantee she felt the same. It's a cruel life lesson. We all go through it 1-2-3 times. Heal up, get better... then try again with another. | |
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| I didn't expect this at all
Posted: 8/28/2009 10:38:10 AM | hey. i read your story and i just have to tell you that a very similar thing happened to me too.
i was dating a guy i met at work. we had an amazing friendship to start and it blossomed into a relationship. i have never felt so happy and excited to see someone. it seemed like every day i loved him more. in the spring of this year i could feel us drifting apart and i considered ending it, but instead i held on and did nothing but become reliant on his affection/attention to assure me that i was good enough, pretty, funny and smart. this is a bad place for anyone to be in.
at the end of june he suggested we take 'a break'. now i am 30 and he is 23 so i have quite a bit more experience and i know that 'a break' SHOULD be a break up so that you have time to re-evaluate and miss each other, but he wanted to keep in contact. as this was happening, i noticed that he was forming a friendship with another female co-worker and i became intensely jealous. (the kind of paralyzing rage/jealousy that i haven't experienced since high school) he continued to text me all the time and talk to me all the time, the only difference was that we didn't spend time together after work.
after a week i told him it was all or nothing and that i didn't feel comfortable with the new relationship he was forming, that i felt he was moving on. he assured me that was not the case and that this girl was engaged already and that they were only friends. i couldn't believe it and so i told him it was over.
the next week at work was awful for both of us. i noticed how sad he was and i thought he must be feeling like i am. i called him a few times over the next week and poured my heart out. i do not recall another time when i felt so much despair. he talked to me about the way he handles relationships and told me that he loved me but that he felt like he couldn't make the leap. i left every conversation feeling like i was trying to convince him of something. he left the conversations feeling like he had made some head way. i hung in there, i obsessed (still do), i cried my eyes out. i knew it was over, in retrospect.
we attempted again to be together but things were different, he was different and i had lost myself completely. he was saying one thing and acting another. i was so confused and desperate to feel secure again that i fooled myself into thinking it would work out.
we broke it off for good last week and i'm pretty positive that he is dating that girl. he told me that i just am not 'the one'. i sent him a message saying that for my own healing, i'll need no contact at all. it's really awful to have to work with them and see them getting along so well when i feel like the world's biggest fool. everyone knows what's happened and they know that i didn't want it. i also had to leave work multiple times because i couldnt' keep it to together.
i'm sure everyone tells you that it wasn't meant to be, but how can that be true when for a time you were positive that you were exactly where you were supposed to be? in the beginning i felt like i was home...finally home. for once i was full of pure love, no crap. we build dreams on a person and fantasize about the future. when we realize there is no future and we have to take those dreams down, it's devastating. rejection can make a person feel deficient and inadequate. that is intolerable to the ego. it's ego death.
the way i'm trying to look at it is this..for whatever reason this was not right and that now i'm free to find a person that is right. i can't imagine opening up that way again, or loving someone that much again. i still cry every single day...i'm tearing up as i write.
try to picture yourself in the future, what is life going to look like when you've healed (we will heal eventually)? you also have to remember that she will also feel this rejection at some point in her life. all human beings go through pain and suffering at some time.
the feeling of bliss that you had came from within yourself and not from outside...not from her but from you. | |
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| I didn't expect this at all
Posted: 8/28/2009 10:44:43 AM | It sucks but shes 19 and this won't be the last guy shes with trust me..
You're analysing the sweatshirt thing cause you want there to be something there. Some kind of hope she will come back whatever.
You need to break all contact with her and focus on yourself and moving on. It will be hard but NO CONTACT!! | |
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| I didn't expect this at all
Posted: 8/28/2009 11:03:42 AM | People who know you love them want you to hang around in their lives as a convenience . It's not fair to you...
Knowing what I know now, the ones who cut off all contact with me were the ones who did me a favor.
The ones who stopped loving me but still hung around talking to me were the selfish ones. They knew I couldn't get over them as long as they were in my life, but they had no problem moving on and having a new relationship, while they still kept me on the string for times when they needed a little variety.
This was under the pretense of "friends". They were not my friends, they were just people who were using me. | |
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| I didn't expect this at all
Posted: 8/28/2009 1:36:13 PM | OP break off all contact period. Don't read anything into the sweatshirt thing. Ignore the last message and don't respond to it. Any further contact will only string you along and give you false hope.
Time heals all and there are plenty of fish in the sea. She's too young and too immature. Deal with it or continue to be strung along.
Do NOT write her a letter. Why would you? You gave enough of yourself to someone who didn't appreciate it. Don't give anymore. | |
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| I didn't expect this at all
Posted: 8/28/2009 2:06:17 PM | I have a 19 year old daughter... she has a new boyfriend every couple of months. And with each broken relationship, OMG, the world is ending, her life is over... till she meets the next one a couple weeks later.
'nuff said.
At 19 there are very few who are emotionally capable to handle such 'grown up' commitments and face it, at 19 who wants to? | |
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| I didn't expect this at all
Posted: 8/28/2009 3:33:53 PM | I'm in your exact situation atm... its hard very hard so i know what your going through.
There is alot of good advice here for you and i guess for me also, its awful when the person your inlove with one day turns around and says " Look i don't think we are meant to be together" its a proper kick in the heart and stomach it just rips you up in every way possible!.
My ex said just this to me 2 months ago, he felt that because we were in a long distance relationship that we were somehow not meant to be together. Yet at the begining he strongly believed the latter, its really hit me hard! specially as when he broke up with me he told me he loved me to pieces. Would have been easier to deal with if he said he didn't, iv been constantly hanging on to him in the hope of getting back with him.
I love him to bits :(, recently found he was f-ing some so called *FRIEND* of his. Yeah f*ck buddy eh... makes me sick to imagine him and her. Yet we still talk a fair bit on MSN and well we often talk naughty to each other. We are even going to be going to a concert in November and well sharing a room... no need to ask what will happen there.
I'm fighting with my self all the time, i don't wanna be some bit of FUN TIME for him because thats all id be. Guess i answer my own question eh, i hate this situation. Don't wanna lose his friendship, want him back YET can't handle talking to him etc... its F-ed up i know.
Your not alone hun, you had the balls to tell her goodbye tho so your already on your way to moving forward.
Good luck with everything hun and best wishes to you
Take care | |
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| I didn't expect this at all
Posted: 8/28/2009 3:46:45 PM | Ps.
You look gorgeous btw :P her loss!, any lady will be lucky to have such a wonderful guy such as your self in her life!.
Hope you find someone deserving of your love hun, someone who will love you just as much as you do them!.
Once again take care huni and good luck!  | |
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| I didn't expect this at all
Posted: 8/28/2009 4:13:55 PM | OP.....She pretty much says it all in her last text. You are trying to tell her how you feel, that it is over for you, ect. And she comes back with " Oh stop, Just stop ect. " Totally negating your feelings. SO its all about her and what is convenient for her. If she were thinking about you, caring about you AT ALL, she would have listened to what you were saying and then tried to do whatever she could to make the situation easier for you. Instead she seems to be trying to do what is easier for her, i.e. trying to keep you around as a "friend" .
Maybe it's just her youth, I don't know.....  | |
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| I didn't expect this at all
Posted: 8/28/2009 11:43:33 PM | Thanks to all who took the time to read and reply with your own personal views and advice. I truly appreciate that. Today I have been much better and I found what most of you had to say to be VERY TRUE. The whole keeping me around for attention/sex as long as it was convient to her. No wonder she wants me to come and get the sweatshirt. It's a total excuse for her to bring me to her. NO THANKS! I will take the advice and do the NO CONTACT thing.
Now that I'm looking at our relationship in a different light I see how one-sided it was. This girl didn't leave my side the first six-months. It was always about her feelings and less about mine. We spent so much time together it was like our six-months was like a normal two-year relationship. Got too close too fast and after she got her fill she wanted something else, but kept me on the side. I should have known that a 19 year old doesn't want something long-term, but denial sure is powerful.
So, I think the next step is to take time to heal. Work on myself. Surround myself with positive people and do some dating and see what happens. Once again, thank you all. I feel a million times better than I did yesterday. | |
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| I didn't expect this at all
Posted: 8/29/2009 8:54:35 AM | Sweet shirt=ties.Nothing more,nothing less.
19=undisciplined and not ready for a commitment.
Having sex with an ex=trouble.
Buck up,be a man and move on.Let this be a lesson well learned.We all have been there and done that.Your heart will heal.You just have to get this out of your mind.Its extremely hard but this is a must.You'll find a good one one day.Stay strong,stay vigilant. | |
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| I didn't expect this at all
Posted: 8/31/2009 3:19:10 AM | Well? 19 huh? You were cool older guy that got her into the scene. It happens a lot to some guys.
Now, I'm not trying to sound mean but what were you thinking? It's fine to have that age gap when both parties are old enough to know themselves better. She is young and it's a fact that she may not know what she wants for quite some time. You texting her was a fatal mistake because you set yourself up to be hurt again. Sorry that you feel bad but you can't expect a girl this young to fit into the mold you wanted her to. | |
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| I didn't expect this at all
Posted: 8/31/2009 4:19:29 AM | I read your story and the one that followed by msg #4
The funny thing is something similar happened to me. When I broke up with my ex I felt really bad, couldn't study at all!! Didn't do my assignments for uni, basically decided not to go to uni and do a Beauty Therpy course instead. I used to be goal driven and thought finishing uni is a must do. But my ex bf had changed every perspective I had in life. We dated for few months it was like some kind of a movie scene long, long walks on the beach, movies, dinners. At the beggining of our break up I couldn't handle walking around the beach too long, remembering all the conversations I had with my ex. The most funny thing is that I broke up with him, when he told me he is going to jail for 3 months and won't see me. I instantly thought the worst of him "drug dealer" and since I grew up so proper and good I thought It's bad for me to go out with someone who went to jail. He said he had some drug, car theft issues.
I took millions of photos of us, drew his portraits, wrote crazy love letters (which he didn't recieve). Thought my life is a biggest mess and I made a mistake breaking up with him.
I hurt myself a lot by breaking up with him. I think I should have been supportive and wrote to him in jail.
It's been about 4 months since I last saw him. But now everything is very clear again. Although I lost most of my carering emotion. Not really the same anymore. One thing I learnt is not to care, then your head will be a little lighter of all the thoughts. | |
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| I didn't expect this at all
Posted: 8/31/2009 9:43:45 AM | | The sweatshirt is a way to keep ties and control over you. To me, that screams "I'm going to hold onto your sweatshirt for a month just in case Karma kicks me in the a** with the new guy the same way I did to you". It's her feeble attempt at a backup plan. Move on and find a decent girl that will treat you right. | |
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| I didn't expect this at all
Posted: 8/31/2009 10:16:56 AM | OP,
In HER mind, the relationship was over at Valentine's Day. You were put in the friend zone...and you stuck around in the hopes that maybe you'd be able to build that relationship again.
Sorry...once in the friend zone...always in the friend zone.
She's moved on. Do yourself a favor. Delete her number. No contact. No viewing her profiles / blogs. No drunk dialing. You won't heal until you quit contacting this girl.
I'd forget the sweatshirt even exists.
Paul ;) | |
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| I didn't expect this at all
Posted: 8/31/2009 10:36:42 AM | Firstly OP you sound like a real Emo.
Falling in love...having feelings and shit.
Wtf man.
Dating is a game. Its good to take a lot of chances.
Its good to get a young chick because they have less emotional baggage, but young girls are notoriously flaky....especially the really hot ones.
By you posting like this, i'm guessing thats she is ridiculously hot.
That is the only thing that makes a guy fall in love.
If you really like this girl, just ignore her. She will come back if she likes you. | |
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| I didn't expect this at all
Posted: 8/31/2009 10:42:58 AM | Post above is probably the best advice ever. I've fallen for girls, found some who I thought were amazing, but the fact is, if they think they can play you and keep you around, while they are hitting another guy, then what does that say about you? There's tons of women out there, sure, the one you are with might seem more special than the others, but really, she isn't, it's all about how you perceive things.
Heartbreak sucks. Get over it, then get up and back in the game. Because that's all it is, one big game. | |
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| I didn't expect this at all
Posted: 8/31/2009 10:49:31 AM | Hiya
I know its really difficult but you need to stick to your guns and not let her mistreat you again. If i were you i wouldnt contact her again. Its only a sweatshirt.....by meeting up to get it back again it would mean you have to see her again and give her another chance to make you miserable.
You will meet someone else who will give you the respect you deserve. | |
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| I didn't expect this at all
Posted: 8/31/2009 2:06:15 PM | Just don't do what I did...
I had a girl throw my heart back at me, and I spent the first week in denial, the second week pissing and moaning, and after I finally "got over" her, I basically turned into an ass and was relatively emotionless and hateful to women. Keep in mind I was in my early twenty's then...
Truth is, if you focus on the "what's wrong with me" part, you'll just make yourself more miserable, and you will add self-critical to the list of undesirable traits. On the flipside of that coin, if you focus on the happy times you two shared, that's liable to make you feel sad, so my advice to you is, don't contact her. Not even to check up on her, not even to tell her that her tail-light is out, not even to say "hey you dropped something".
That does two things: It gives you the personal strength to not give in to self-destruction, and it sends the message to her that you will be just fine without her. Ohhhhhh women HATE that. (In MY humble experience, anyway) -- take it easy ladies...
Then, you need to fill your spare time with something creative and fun that you used to like to do alone, whether its hanging out with your friends, having a few beers at the local bar, or what have you. (Don't get too drunk tho, that and loneliness is a bad mix)
Surround yourself with people that care for you like friends and family. Even those bullshit people who only call on you for a favor, use them up.
The last thing this world needs is another arrogant pissed off man who's been trashed emotionally by a female. It gives the rest of us a bad rap. ;) | |
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| I didn't expect this at all
Posted: 8/31/2009 8:59:19 PM | kevgeez,
Your reply literally made me burst into laughter, but you are 100% right. I got all emotional with this girl because she is ridiculously hot. Believe me, I am taking the advice that pretty much everyone said and NOT contact her. Thanks again for the laughs  | |
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| I didn't expect this at all
Posted: 8/31/2009 9:30:09 PM | Sweet heart, Please don't take this out on the next person, If that's you in the pic, Your going to be walking by some guy in Walmart or the likes, and you'll never know he did a second look! and think WOW.
So move on and leave the baggage, and even pray about it. There is a God who loves you more than anything. And If you don't know who to pray to , try Jesus. He'll pick you up and carry you, You have to ask! | |
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| I didn't expect this at all
Posted: 8/31/2009 10:08:48 PM | | Huh????? wowspark, can we come back to this planet for a moment ... what are you talking about ?Is that some kind of new Yoda Lingo????? | |
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| I didn't expect this at all
Posted: 9/1/2009 10:57:46 AM | I really feel for you man. Really I do. I mean, we always listen to how men do women wrong but here we all are reading about a teenage girl basically taking you for a ride.
As for the sweatshirt? In my opinion I see it as a metaphor, it's her way of saying, I still have a piece of you that I control so if this oh so "amazing guy" doesn't work out. I'll use it as a way of getting back into your life to use you all over again.
If I were you? I'd forget about the damn sweartshirt, her, whoever the guy she's with and try my damndest to move on. Easier said than done, I know cos you're constantly thinking about her. But if she was "the one" she wouldn't have hurt you like that and given you the run around. Use this time to reflect, to build yourself up again. Use your pent up feelings to good use. Keep yourself busy. Join a club or painting class, I don't know. You decide. But you have to come to terms with the fact that she is still young and obviously hasn't experienced the facts of life as much as you have. And, I'm pretty sure when other guys begin to do to her what she did to you, she will come knocking on your door to seduce you and remind you of all the good times you both had together, but yah can't let that get to you. She had a good thing and she let it go. You owe it to yourself to be happy and to not have anyone play mind games with you. Do you understand? It's gonna take time but you will find that after a while you'll heal and finally be able to get your life back on track. Good luck to you and all the best man. Be strong. | |
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