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| would you date someone who suffers from depression?
Posted: 8/28/2009 9:24:14 AM | I am certain that this question has been asked before, however... I feel that it is a valid topic for discussion because as many as 17% of Americans will suffer a depressive episode in their lifetime.
I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder since age 19. I have attempted suicide only once (in 2003). I am stable on my medication (Paxil) and have only been hospitalized twice in the past six years.
My mood is generally upbeat and I remain an optimist despite my condition. However, in times of stress, I can be extremely withdrawn and moody. The medication works well to limit the number of these episodes but it does not prevent their occurrence.
Occasionally, I will experience some psychotic symptoms along with the depression... this is actually quite typical and can occur in nearly 10% of all who suffer from clinical depression.
What I would like to know is, are there people who are willing to initiate a relationship with someone who suffer from depression or another mood disorder.
Most people wouldn't refuse to date someone if they were diabetic or overweight. Depression has a physical cause just as diabetes and obesity do, so why is there such a stigma attached to the disease?
I do well when I neglect to admit my depression. I have made it into the early stages of several relationships. However, my limited income and the disparity between my intellect (127 IQ on the WAIS-IV) and occupation (temporary bookstore employee and erstwhile janitor) tip most women off to the fact that something isn't quite right.
Add to that my periods of withdrawal and my social anxiety and you'll soon come to realization that full disclosure is my only option.
So, I reiterate... would you date someone suffering from depression? Whether yes or no, offer something by way of explanation.
Thank you and please don't delete this as trolling for sympathy. I honestly want to hear what people have to say on this issue. | |
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| would you date someone who suffers from depression?
Posted: 8/28/2009 10:16:52 AM | Personally, no, because I have, and the biggest problem was, being around it so much was depressing me. I didn't realize how much it was getting me down 'til I broke it off and immediately felt better even though I missed him. Also, the anorgasmia resulting from the medication drove me bats.
However, this does not mean that there's no one for whom this would be okay. Everyone has their problems, and it's a major plus that you're aware of and up-front about yours and doing what can be done in terms of care for it. Mainly, I think a good prospect for you just needs to be a little less easily influenced emotionally than I found that I am.
Good luck!
Editing to add, though there are other topics addressing depression in some aspect or other, I think this is particularly complete and frank, with a fresh perspective, and thus not in fact redundant. | |
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| would you date someone who suffers from depression?
Posted: 8/28/2009 10:31:45 AM | It would be too much for me. I would fear that because of my nurturing ways, the focus of the relationship would always be on my partner. Dealing with someone's major depressive disorder would bring me down terribly. Eventually I would become angry and resentful because my needs were being neglected.
I would not want to be anothers person's sole emotional support ever again, I was married to a man like you for 20 years. It killed my spirit. I always had to be the adult, had to over look mood swings, the job losses, his pain from his under achieving, and his angry outburts. It was a horrible roller coaster. | |
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| would you date someone who suffers from depression?
Posted: 8/28/2009 10:32:59 AM | My situation is almost identical to yours, OP. And I also assume that most people feel the same way as Helen, the second poster. And I don't blame her one bit.
I'm here on these forums as part of my therapy, believe it or not. I'm investigating the world of romantic relationships and trying to manage my feelings about them.
One question I'd ask you, and I've asked it of myself too, is how would YOU feel about a relationship with a woman struggling with depression?
My idea is that it seems like a viable and fair option, but at the same time it seems like doubling the trouble for both people.
It's tough and I can't imagine a solution. You have to be upfront about it and be almost universally unappealing, or hide it for a while and then let it ruin things later.... | |
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| would you date someone who suffers from depression?
Posted: 8/28/2009 11:03:55 AM | I would on the condition they were seeking treatment for it, or were relatively consistent with taking their meds. Also if depression wasn't that big a deal in their life and a major scapegoat for every problem in their life.
Some people only suffer it for a little while, some people have it their entire life due to genetic issues.
It's treatable and not that big of deal.
There are far worse things. Some of them inherent to who a person is.
Assuming of course it's not bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. I don't want to deal with that. But depression isn't that big a deal to me.
I personally respect a consistent honest personality. That is completely feasible and realistic with depression.
My personality is compatible with people that go through periods of withdrawal and social anxiety, so I would have no problem dating someone that exhibited that behavior as long as they were honest about it. | |
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| would you date someone who suffers from depression?
Posted: 8/28/2009 11:04:39 AM | I did once, and it was hard. During his good moods, he would tell me never to take his bad moods personally, and I tried very hard to keep that in mind during the bad times, however, it is hard not to take it personally when someone you care for shuts you out.
I cant say I never would again, but I know I would leary for sure. | |
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| would you date someone who suffers from depression?
Posted: 8/28/2009 12:02:11 PM | | In my book it's a plus. Who else can understand it? You have to have been to the pit to know what it is like (and even then some people seem to experience a kind of denial-amnesia). My partner and I both experience depression, so do friends of mine: my favourite people. I would recommend you to look for other people who can cope with and take responsibility for their depression because these are the people who will have the best chance to understand what it is that you experience, what it means and to see who you are rather than to label you with the characteristics of what you are suffering from. | |
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| would you date someone who suffers from depression?
Posted: 8/28/2009 12:12:14 PM | In response to anaglyph... yes, I have dated women with psychiatric issues. My last relationship was five years long with three years of cohabitation. My ex was schizophrenic, though, not depressive. Add to that an addiction to crack cocaine and you have the recipe for one rocky relationship.
Previous to her, I dated a woman who was both bipolar and alcoholic... our relationship ended in disaster when she called the police on me and I tried to fight my way to freedom. We had been drinking together and got into a serious argument. I was so drunk that I fought the police instead of cooperating.
Before the alcoholic, there was another schizophrenic and another bipolar girl...
Invariably, dating someone who is very much worse off than you will drag you down.
I don't consider myself much worse than normal. Admittedly, I am behind the curve financially and socially, but I am relatively stable... much more so than an addict or alcoholic or career criminal and those people seem to have decent luck finding a woman to put up with their crap.
I think it is always good to find people with whom you share common experiences... The five year relationship I ended this May was based on our mutual understanding of what it is like to be mentally ill. Apart from that, and some great sexual chemistry, we had no commonalities. In addition to her obsession with crack cocaine, her IQ was a good 30 points below mine, her lack of ambition was appalling and she smoked two packs a day.
I feel like I have to do better than that. I don't want to consign myself to dating people who are on the margins of society.
Surely, there has to be some woman who will appreciate my intellect and personality as independent of and separate from my illness?
Thanks so much to everyone who responded. I am trying to understand better how my situation impacts others. I don't think it is fair to be judged for something that is largely out of my control but I do realize that my illness can cause pain and suffering for those close to me. | |
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| would you date someone who suffers from depression?
Posted: 8/28/2009 3:09:04 PM | I would date someone with certain kinds of personality disorders, I myself suffered from dysthemia (or some may say cyclothemia) after my brothers had died. I was in a relationship at that time and we were steady for like 3 years (ages 15-18) which we were young but still. I found having that constant helped me be stable, and she found that because I am such an independent person that she actually had a time where she felt like I needed to rely on her. Of course, I didn't take medication for my disorder (as it was temporary) but something I inherited from it would be, I think someone called it Anorgasmia? which eventually drove her to start a relationship with someone else under the table and broke up with me out of guilt.
now, back to the dating someone with depression. Yes, I would, and I have, and it's a handful yes, but as long as you communicate with them, and change their attitude when they're feeling down. If they're bringing you down talking about depressing stuff, you say "Hey, let's go to the park and eat sandies (cookies) and watch the sailboats on the lake" and help pull them out of their depressed mood. Laughter is the best cure, and it's a heck of a lot easier to laugh with someone than laugh with yourself. | |
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| would you date someone who suffers from depression?
Posted: 8/28/2009 5:03:03 PM | Most people wouldn't refuse to date someone if they were diabetic or overweight. Depression has a physical cause just as diabetes and obesity do, so why is there such a stigma attached to the disease?
it's not a valid comparison and to someone with an IQ of 127 such as yourself, that should be immediately apparent. medical conditions like diabetes don't throw monkey wrenches into the machinery of intimate relationships on a regular basis. there are certain mental conditions that make it extremely difficult if not completely impossible to maintain an intimate relationship for long, and it's disingenuous of you to cast aspersions on the rest of the planet by implication in asking why there's a stigma against people who are afflicted with depression and psychotic episodes. it's your problem, so own it.
once i had a 2-year relationship with someone who is cyclothymic. he's a great guy and we are still good friends, but my god.... never again. in the end i would say that yes, i'm sure there's somebody out there willing to do the maintenance that would be required on this kind of relationship. but you have to disclose, as you are already doing, and then also be willing to accept that most people just aren't going to be able to endure the issues that your problem is inevitably going to bring to the table. "regular" relationships are hard enough, for "normal" people. | |
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| would you date someone who suffers from depression?
Posted: 8/28/2009 8:48:31 PM | well you're honest at least, anyways I dated a woman who was major depressive and I wouldst do it again, and was taking meds for it.
some days she was sweet, some days she would break my balls for what ever reason, I know everyone is different but we always hear from the media the extreme cases of people who are depressed doing some ghastly things, Im sure I dont need to elaborate .
Youre going to have some challenges dating, and if you dont give up you will find a woman who wont mind or has experience and can be a asset. | |
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| would you date someone who suffers from depression?
Posted: 8/28/2009 9:31:18 PM | I have before dated girls with depression, I don't know if I would again though. Mostly these dates don't lead anywhere, as a lot of female's with depression are usually the victims of domestic abuse, which is bad when trying to build relationships with them. Most of these girls will find it hard to trust another man after what happened to them.
There's also another issue - will the person suffering depression ever recover? I too have been diagnosed with depression... but from what I have been told, my form of depression I am experiencing is circumstantial and treatable, whereas with other people suffering the ailment, it may be chemical and genetically inclined. For the latter, there is strong possibility that the individual will never truly recover from their depression, which will undoubtedly cause problems with relationships for a long time, especially from unsympathetic partners. | |
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| would you date someone who suffers from depression?
Posted: 8/28/2009 9:51:48 PM | In answer to depression bringing more difficulties into a relationship than diabetes, I have found the opposite true.
I dated a man for 5 years who was diabetic. He suffered from ED and several other problems that made the relationship truly a test of character, mine.
I have dated someone with depression and have found it to be no more difficult than dating someone without that type of mood disorder.
It is a very treatable and manageable disease process no matter what the cause, genetic, environmental, episodic.
I do, however draw the line at bipolar disease (too much a a swing in moods) or any of the other personality disorders.
Depression is generally but not always more prevalent in conjunction with artistic personalities. I suppose that the degree of emotional and psychological suffering can contribute to being able to express emotions at a greater depth.
It is not a disease process I would wish on anyone, however, it is very manageable and no longer carries the great stigma it once did. However, if I chose to date someone with this problem, that individual would have to be actively involved is managing the mood swings, either with medication, therapy, or meditation (or a combination of these.) | |
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| would you date someone who suffers from depression?
Posted: 8/28/2009 10:10:03 PM | If the man is addressing his depression and managing it, then I would have no problem at all dating him.
This pretty much applies to all similar issues I've seen here, basically all "would you date a guy if he had..." diabetes, MS, heart disease, whatever.
Although, when we get to lung diseases, I would have a hard time dating someone with lung disease like emphysema who continued to smoke.
It's all about taking steps to manage yourself, IMO. | |
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| would you date someone who suffers from depression?
Posted: 8/28/2009 11:59:14 PM | There you go OP, Mirabelle and zephyrmoon are two very exceptional looking profiles and they're good about all this. I can see they both have relatively high IQ's though so perhaps intellectual compatability is a much more positive approach from you. You see similar IQ will inherently approach problem solving with similar perspectives, which of course is a definition of some compatability.
The problem is (and I understand this with an average 140 myself last check), that IQ is (intentionally an intellectual "age" measurement) relative to a local average of 100. So the further from 100 you score, the less likely it is you can find people compatable to your way of thinking around your age.
At the moment your ca.125 would suggest a 28-34yo demographic relative to an average of 19. edit, oh excuse me you're 35 now and had this since 19, I'm drinking atm, so your demographic is going to be more like...43. And you'll probably find this is a bigger contributor to awkward relationships than clinical depression, which is merely a state of brain chemistry, manageable with medication and personal attention (activites, mental exercises, social support, etc.)
At 15 I had an average 123 which basically meant I continually argued with anyone under about 25 and got frustrated with them. My only friend through to just about my thirties was about five years older and higher than average himself. But this did help deal with some other stuff (lost most of my family).
I had some experience with clinical depression too and found it in fact curable, though for a little time there well it was pretty extreme, outright hallicinations and such. Interesting stuff but, saw angels hehe. | |
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| would you date someone who suffers from depression?
Posted: 8/29/2009 7:58:54 AM |
It would be too much for me. I would fear that because of my nurturing ways, the focus of the relationship would always be on my partner. Dealing with someone's major depressive disorder would bring me down terribly. Eventually I would become angry and resentful because my needs were being neglected.
I would not want to be anothers person's sole emotional support ever again, I was married to a man like you for 20 years. It killed my spirit. I always had to be the adult, had to over look mood swings, the job losses, his pain from his under achieving, and his angry outburts. It was a horrible roller coaster.
I concur with Carolann0308. I was also in a 20 year relationship with a man who was wonderful, when he was up, and hell when he was down. He had an IQ of 151, very smart man, just too much of a rollercoaster ride for me. Most individuals like this manage to meet up with codependents. It is difficult to continually put another persons needs above your own, and yes, in the end you do end up becoming angry and resentful.
I respect that you know what your difficulties are, and I truly wish you luck with that. | |
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| would you date someone who suffers from depression?
Posted: 8/29/2009 7:59:13 AM | So OP are you falling for the "chemical imbalance" theory for your depression? Do you believe that depression is a life long ailment?
You were diagnosed as depressed at age 19 and now you're 35 and still claiming to be depressed.
What have you been doing to improve your life? What has stopped you from going to school and getting a decent job? Its not like you don't have the smarts to do it. Its not the lack of student loans available.
You choice of women for your past relationships was poor. Why is that? Why did you seek these women out?
Have you tried therapy?
Stagnation leads to depression. Work at improving your life and stop using "depression" as an excuse. | |
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| would you date someone who suffers from depression?
Posted: 8/29/2009 9:36:53 AM | I feel ya, brother. I grapple with depression myself, so I'd certainly date (and have dated) another depressed person.
Depression is one thing. Allowing depression to IMMOBILIZE us is another. I choose to push through my depression through exercise and intellectual pursuits. It works. I expect the same in another. If she just lays on the couch in a morose state between bouts of crying...geez, I don't think I could deal with that every day. If she loses interest in life, I'd lose interest in her.
There's always something new to learn, to experience. The weather is different. There's always some new scandal going on in the news...SOMETHING...that we can talk about and laugh about!
And...I've said it before and I'll say it again...EXERCISE. Get those positive endorphins pumping into the brain. | |
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| would you date someone who suffers from depression?
Posted: 8/29/2009 10:22:38 AM |
So OP are you falling for the "chemical imbalance" theory for your depression? Do you believe that depression is a life long ailment?
You were diagnosed as depressed at age 19 and now you're 35 and still claiming to be depressed.
What have you been doing to improve your life? What has stopped you from going to school and getting a decent job? Its not like you don't have the smarts to do it. Its not the lack of student loans available.
You choice of women for your past relationships was poor. Why is that? Why did you seek these women out?
Have you tried therapy?
Stagnation leads to depression. Work at improving your life and stop using "depression" as an excuse.
And this is your medical opinion?
Brain chemistry imbalance is not a theory, it is a medical diagnosis whose terminology is "clinical depression."
You see the tremendous difference between the kind of depression you're talking about, which is where someone claims to be depressed and may be behavioural in nature and require counselling, and clinical depression is that clinical depression is tied to chemical balance in the brain, observed by obtained data from reproducible experimentation and satisfied by peer review.
The entire point about clinical depression is that it is prohibitive to "improving your life" by introducing chemically related circumstances which cannot sustain certain environments, particularly social ones. The physiological effects are very real and quite distressing to experience, ranging from sudden bowel release for no appreciable reason to psychotic breaks in contrary to any genuine effort to control them using willpower alone. You tell your brain to do one thing and it just goes and does something completely different.
See Miss Juli, it goes like this. Your family is killed in a car accident and at the funeral instead of crying you empty your bowels into your underwear. Kind of odd don't you think? And then every time afterwards you want to cry, instead your bowels empty into your underwear.
Kind of distressing to even try to deal with, in fact requires medication to slowly get the chemical balance right again, so that you cry when you want to cry instead of emptying your bowels.
Now let's say we told you to just "get over it" and stop sh*tting your pants like an animal. Well even if you can manage to push those feelings of sadness and loss way down deep so that they make you a totally f*cked up maladjusted individual, there's still this problem that if for any reason something makes you cry you're going to empty your bowels. Get it? Your brain chemistry is out of balance, and instead of responding the way it should, your brain just does something totally wacked out.
That's clinical depression.
Oh you get it now? | |
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| would you date someone who suffers from depression?
Posted: 8/29/2009 11:14:57 AM | All individuals have a choice in how they wish to proceed in their life. Some have a harder battle than others.
Being clinically depressed can be a battle every day to exist, but there are many avenues of help in today's world.
I think that it takes some medication intervention, a lot of self will, therapy, a great support structure (can be just one or two people), and a belief that/want for things will/to get better. No one can do this for an individual. It is every person's own choice.
We as partners/friends/SO's can act as cheerleaders, but in the end, this type of psychic work is up to each and every individual.
There actually is a way of rewiring the neural connections so as not to trigger a depressive incident. It can be physically done and has been shown to happen on many brain scans. Really it is one step in front of the other, but can be done.
The whole thing is about looking at the glass as half full and feeling grateful.
Those that can not do this, will stay locked in their mental prisons. So sad.
"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." - I Ching | |
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| would you date someone who suffers from depression?
Posted: 8/29/2009 5:34:37 PM | Depression is something you don't need to even talk about. Its a label. Everyone gets depressed. Its always triggered and its nothing to worry about.
Its better to be in a relationship with someone when having suicidal thoughts anyway, they give you a reason to live :)
But don't look at being depressed as a bad thing. Everyone gets depressed. Its how we handle it that matters. | |
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| would you date someone who suffers from depression?
Posted: 8/29/2009 6:04:26 PM | I would date someone who suffers from depression, including someone who suffers from the symptoms you describe, but I've had a lot of experience in dealing with people with all sorts of disabilities. The big problem is that, while in a sour mood, they will start making decisions about the relationship: the relationship is worth nothing, I'm not worth anything so anyone who has a relationship with me is a loser too. Trying to get someone who is periodically depressed to have confidence that they can successfully have and raise children is a problem. Then there is manic behavior. Perhaps you do not personally experience this, but that presents some practical problems too.
The only way these relationships work is if you are simply crazy in love with the person. Eyes open going in is real helpful too. So, first rule, be candid in your profile about the situation. And, as you are asking quite a lot of other people, you need to offer quite a lot in return. Which means in practice, being willing to date, and form relationships, with women who have similar problems. I know the prospects are depressing, no symptoms needed to realize that. Relationships with women who think they can straighten you out are deadly; they can't and will eventually move on to some other world saving project; you, after all, don't count in the cosmic scheme. But, of course, you do: love is what makes the world go round. | |
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